Saturday Morning Hate Sex

Can it be we’re a month into the season already? That’s a lot of ticks on the scoreboard. A lot of swigs from smuggled flasks. A lot of stolen kisses in the quad, and a lot of notches on our bedposts from our Saturday morning purge romps.

Most of the Ladies’ teams had good outings, but Andrea’s Iowa Hawkeyes fell in a tooth-and-nail slugfest to Wisconsin…and two weeks later, it’s time to move past Florida and the throttling they handed down to my Tennessee Vols. Get comfy, boys, I’ll want to be on top for this.

Pink Locker Room

The tables have turned for the Ladies, some for the better and some….not so much. Metschick seems to be cruising along swimmingly and we all completely hate her and the Scarlet Knight she rode in on. (Just kidding, Metsy! Haha, don’t hurt me!) Follow me after the jump for contemplations, crying and cleavage….

More Saturday Morning Hate Sex

Last week SA’s Wolverines and J-Money’s Demon Deacons were vanquished by Oregon and Nebraska.

But it’s a new week. A new slate of games. Time to conclude the healing process by vanquishing a few Ducks and Huskers of their own.

(Hey, Nike, all those Oregon uniforms you’re churning out? Any of them include tearaway pants? Because, um, it might help them break a few more tackles. Yup. That’s why. What?)

More hailing to the victors, after this.

Friday’s Hottie Hit n Run: Ladies Edition

First off, the Ladies would like to extend thoughts and prayers to one of our baseball finds this year, Jarrod Saltalamacchia of the Texas Rangers. He has told the Rangers he will not be available to play winter ball because his wife Ashley is already having complications with the pregnancy of their second child. We hope everything turns out just fine for the Saltalamacchias. [That Must Be a Heckuva Last Name to Consider When Naming Your Children]

Hot Hot Hits

Any girl who says barfights are anything but a) hilarious or b) hilariously awesome is a) a liar, or b) not someone I want to be friends with. We’re not waving our hands and yelling “STOOOOOOPPIT BOYS” to affect the action; it’s kind of a war cry and mating call. We’re declaring that THAT IS OUR MAN OUT THERE BY GOD LOOK AT HIM GO. This is all by way of saying: Nothing gets me hot and bothered like a football rival getting his ass leveled.

I give you Rico McCoy, via preeminent Tennessee blog Rocky Top Talk. Is it hot in here, or is it just Jeremy Young’s jersey melted to his back?

It’s like a palate cleanser, but it’ll get you dirty.

Last week Holly’s Vawls, SA’s Wolverines, and J-Money’s Demon Deacons were dealt body blows by Cal, Appalachian State, and Boston College. But that’s yesterday’s news. Let us move on, brothers and sisters. Let us celebrate week two of the season, beginning in just a few hours. Let us heal. And what heals like a little morning hate sex? Nothing, that’s what.

Join us after the jump for a little “Hail to the Victors”, if you know what I mean.

I Was There (And It Hurt): Tennessee-Cal

I was thrilled to my orange-painted toes to learn my beloved Vawls were playing Cal for their season opener. Since they had come all the way to the west coast (like they were coming just to see me!), I thought the least I could do was make the trip up to Berkeley to meet them.

Hot Hot Hits

Any girl who says barfights are anything but a) hilarious or b) hilariously awesome is a) a liar, or b) not someone I want to be friends with. We’re not waving our hands and yelling “STOOOOOOPPIT BOYS” to affect the action; it’s kind of a war cry and mating call. We’re declaring that THAT IS OUR MAN OUT THERE BY GOD LOOK AT HIM GO. This is all by way of saying: Nothing gets me hot and bothered like a football rival getting his ass leveled. Expect a lot of material about jacked-up guys in tight pants getting (sorry) jacked up once the season really gets underway. To whet your appetite, here’s the greatest hits of seasons past, via the incomparable (and handsome!) Sunday Morning Quarterback:

Blood Makes The Grass Grow

I have a kind of tunnel vision when it comes to sports, and I wear it proudly. I have mountains to fling myself down in the spring and tennis to occupy me in the summer, but there’s nothing gets my blood going like the divine brutality that is football season. (What? Our god is a vengeful one. Look it up.)

During the offseason I spent an inordinate amount of time composing lists of ways to make baseball more compelling (“Article I: Infielders can tackle baserunners. Article II: But that’s fine and dandy, since the baserunners can take their bats with them.”), but not even Bacon Pants could ease the pain of the waiting game for me. Maybe if he’d taken a swing at the catcher’s dome.

So welcome back, fall. Welcome back, sunburn and frostbite and concussion hits. Welcome back, tailgating and GameDay and Coach O. Welcome back, blood season. Welcome back, football.

And, because this is Ladies…, after all, in honor of tonight’s SEC kickoff, look after the jump for some current and former LSU hotties in those tight yellow pants we so adore. Oh, and there’s a tiger. Rrrrrowwwr.

Hit and Run: A change was made uptown/And the big man joined the band

Today’s Hit and Run is all about the big dudes, so stock your fridge and don’t be surprised when you find canoe-sized shoes at the foot of your bed.

Ry Ho and Shane share a tender moment.

Let’s start with Ryan Howard’s walk-off two-run opposite field blast to lift the Fightins over the Mets 4-2. (Yes, I know Metsy started with a Phillies item yesterday, but it’s my Hit and Run, I’ll do what I want!) I was there for last night’s game and to say the mood in the CBP was euphoric would be an understatement of the highest degree. I high-fived people I’d never met and I heckled a group of kid Mets fans. It was fabulous.

Before the game, I hung over the bullpen railing and watched Tom Glavine warm up. (I refuse to hear you say I’m a turncoat. How many times in your life do you get to watch a 300-game winner warm up from 15 yards away?) Dude is INTENSE. From where I was sitting, it looked like he p4wned the Phillies over seven strong innings, but according to the NYT’s article about the game, he was gassed: “Glavine scattered eight singles in seven scoreless innings but had thrown 102 stressful pitches, he said, and could not go out to start the eighth.”

Bang-Bang Play

Got links you want included as a Bang-Bang Play? Got an athlete you think would make an excellent Mail Bag Hottie? Email us!

Pros and cons of the various Big TEleven contenders. Take Baylor- you can have them for free! [MGoBlog]

The Babes feel Chase’s pain (and the pain of Clare and me and all other Phils fans at losing him). [Babes Love Baseball]

A look at local Baltimore legend- and personal guest of Cal at Cooperstown- Ernie Tyler. Love getting to highlight some good news! [Foul Balls]

You’ll shoot your eye out with that, Emil Brown. Or that lady reporter’s eye. [The Dugout]

The O-lineman of Denver better start talking… or else! [Signal to Noise]

Upper deck Yanks fans in their native habitat. [Home Run Derby]

What’s tastier than a college football cupcake? Just ask Arkansas- they’re the experts. [Extrapolator @ Loser With Socks]

The All-Smith team has been named- which of the 142 Smiths to play baseball made it? [UmpBump]

Welcome to the blogosphere, Donovan. [Donovan McNabb’s Yardbarker Blog]

Apparently, girls who like the NFL are not date material. And girls who actually know something about football are the worst. [Mr. Irrelevant]

The underlying literary themes of the Big XII. No, really. [Sunday Morning Quarterback]

The 2007 Douchebag Open has begun. Why am I not at all surprised to find Cowherd and Pierzynski on there? How am I supposed to decide? [Turf Toe]

And our Mail Bag Hottie this week is…

Bang-Bang Play

Got links you want included as a Bang-Bang Play? Got an athlete you think would make an excellent Mail Bag Hottie? Email us!

Philly Pants Party folks can blame the Cardinals for not getting to see loss #10,000. And the hot bats of Bacon Pants… and Pat Burrell?!? [Zo Zone]

Everything you ever wanted to know about Rickey Henderson. [100% Injury Rate]

Did Nick Swisher, like Samson, lose his powers when he cut his hair? [Home Run Derby]

ESPN forgets the White Sox exist. [Foul Balls]

OU football is busted by the NCAA, has to forfeit the entire ’05 season. Relive the hilarity. [Every Day Should Be Saturday]

What the hell has happened to nicknames in baseball? [UmpBump]

Take a gander at what’s playing on Brady Quinn’s iPod. [Ghosts of Wayne Fontes]

The All-Superstition Squad has been named- and Big Papi’s plate antics don’t even make the list. [Bugs & Cranks]

A look at all the fashion choices on display at the ESPYs. [Leave The Man Alone]

Closing on a sweet note, with a story about a lifelong sports dream come true. [The Jaunt]

And our Mail Bag Hottie this week is…

Bang-Bang Play

bang-bang play (noun): in baseball, 1. An attempted tag or force play at a base when the ball and runner arrive simultaneously. 2. Any defensive play accomplished with precision and speed.

We’re putting a twist on the old bang-bang around here. Our bang-bang plays post every weekend will be fast links to great articles and features found at some of the best sports blogs around the interwebs- a speedy way to bring the best of the best to you. PLUS every Bang-Bang Play post will also feature, behind the jump, a Mail Bag Hottie– pictures of a hottie athlete nominated by our readers. Double the bang, double the fun.

Got links you want included as a Bang-Bang Play? Got an athlete you think would make an excellent Mail Bag Hottie? Email us!

I would definitely buy a ticket to see Pittsburgh Pirates: The Movie II. I’d even pay full price. [Mondesi’s House]

Barry Bonds fans are cheaters? Inconceivable! [The 700 Level]

Taking a look at Michigan Football. [Sunday Morning Quarterback]

We love a man with stamina, too, Sooze. Especially one who looks like that. [Babes Love Baseball]

Get ready for the All-Star Game, Dugout style. [The Dugout]

Reasons why the All-Star Game sucks. [Yankees Chick]

After this week’s outing, Julian Tavarez was last seen strumming a banjo in the backwoods of Georgia. [Surviving Grady]

The NFL wants you to think they give a crap about retired players with health problems. They don’t. [I Dislike Your Favorite Team]

Three reasons to care about the Reds. [Sports Frog]

Will Vince Young face the dreaded sophomore slump? [Burnt Orange Nation]

And our first inaugural Mail Bag Hottie is…

Thursday’s Hottie Hit n Run

This headline was just too good to resist: Case of Beer Gets the Best of Parnevik’s Toe. It was about how pro golfer Jesper Parnevik went running into the cabin of his boat and jammed his toe on a case of beer. Seriously. That’s the whole story. It made me laugh too hard to pass up for the Hottie Hit n Run, so Jesper Parnevik, the Ladies salute you. We all like beer. It could have happened to anyone. [I Ran into a Case of Beer Once. It was called Case Races]

Thursday’s Hottie Hit n Run (Caption Contest below)

One of the top college football stories at Sports Illustrated right now has the headline, “Size Matters for Wide Receivers in the Class of 2008.” And because I am a 12 year old girl, that made me snicker. Then I clicked on the article and came face-to-face with Alabama boy Julio Jones (pictured below). Holy moly. He’s 6’4, 215 lbs and just completed his junior year of high school. Plastics, Julio. [Uhh, That Kid’s In High School?]

Hump Day Hottie: Erik Ainge

For the first time, a college kid is getting the call up to our big leagues… Erik Ainge, this is your time to shine. This senior QB for the mighty Volunteers of Tennessee has overcome lots of adversity- namely, that he was born and raised in Oregon, and not anywhere in the South. This didn’t hamper his development into a fine example of what a Southern QB should be- just check out how well he fills out those white game pants. As a freshman, he broke Peyton Manning’s freshman TD record at UTenn. But in this offseason, he underwent surgery on his knee- and Vol fans have some concerns what that means for the 2007 season. I know of at least one Vol around these parts who’d be more than happy to help him rehab…

Oh, and yeah, he’s related to Danny Ainge- he is Erik’s uncle. More Erik loveliness after the jump…

The Ref: Jinxed Edition

	TOUCHDOWN: Alex Rodriguez It has come to our attention, after Torii Hunter got pegged by a fastball to the face not long after he was featured here, that there may be a Ladies… curse. If this is the case, my heartiest congrats and well wishes go out to A-Rod, for his continued dominance in the “Mr. April” title race. Many happy (jinxed) returns, buddy. [Baseball Analysts]
	PERSONAL FOUL: Gary Thorne First he claims Schilling’s bloody sock was a fake. And now, that he’s gotten called on it, he’s backpedaling faster than you can say, “Schilling will eat you for breakfast” — and now claims that it was all a big misunderstanding. Sure it was. Why wouldn’t we believe exactly what you say, Gare-Bear? [Over The Monster]
	OFFSIDES: Nick Saban Convert to the ways of the Saban. Resistance is futile. 92,000 Bammers have already paved the way, if spring game attendance is any indication. There are just a few simple rules you need to learn. 10 to be exact- you might even call them commandments. [Digital Headbutt]
	CLIPPING: Craig Biggio Haters Leave my first baseball boyfriend alone. Quit wearing that pin on your hat for cancer kids, Craig! You’re getting old, Craig! I’m gonna plunk you with this pitch, Craig! Your poor production at the plate and horrible OBP remind me of Chase Utley, Craig! Give the guy a break- or he’ll bring the AARP down on you. [UmpBump]
	TIMEOUT: Sidney Crosby Public service announcement: TSW and all other Sidney Crosby fans across the land would like me to solicit everyone (no, not in that way) to stop by and throw a few votes his way in the Time 100 voting. He’ll reward everyone by continuing to be ridiculously HOT. [Time.com]

I Was There: ND Blue & Gold Game

Oh, college football, how I’ve missed you. It’s been months since I’ve been able to breathe in your beautiful smell, a combination of chewed-up turf, sweaty linemen and smuggled bourbon, hear the sound of 200 band geeks playing Darth Vader’s theme or a drunk frat boy cussing out the coaches’ play calling, or watch my team take the field to battle for a chance to play in a faux-championship system for a mythical national championship title.

College football- you’re my first, my last, my everything. I may have a lustful fling with baseball every spring, and every two years I may run away for a few weeks with the Olympics, but baby, you gotta know you’re my number one. There’s no contest- you’re my one true love, and nothing else could ever really take your place.

Until we can meet up good and proper in September, darlin’- I will just have to make do with the wham, bam, thank you ma’am of a spring game. It’s not real football, there are no opponents and no victory on the line, but I’ll take what I can get. Baby, I’m so desperate for some of your sexy action, that I was actually worked up about seeing Clausen’s emu spikes. That should show you my devotion. It’s not Texas football, but it’s the best I can do up here in Chicago.

I love you, college football. Call me anytime.

(P.S. If you wouldn’t mind keeping those drunk texts I sent you from the tailgate to yourself, I’d really appreciate it)

(P.P.S. I’ve got all kinds of pictures of our short, but sweet, time together- you can relive it with me after the jump)

(P.P.P.S. If there’s any way you can get Colt McCoy the Heisman, and Tom Zbikowski to play with his shirt off, that would be great)

Hottie Hit and Run

* I’ve got blue and gold on the brain, which I blame entirely on Tom Zbikowski and his fantastically gorgeous body. In addition to looking lovely at this weekend’s spring game, it seems Tommy has gotten a tattoo. Don’t worry, like he said, “It’s not like I have some stupid barbed wire on my arm.” [I respectfully request a private showing]

* David Wright was quite the fashion plate this weekend, wearing his pants above the calf (which is the right way, I might add) to show off his brand new Wright cleats from Nike. [He really should compensate Metschick for wearing a “Wright” shirt to the game yesterday (talk about attention grabbing!)]

* With the NFL draft looming, let’s check in with Chicago’s favorite guy, Rex Grossman. Guess the Bears’ front office is as enamored with Rexy as most of the female population in the lower 48 (and certain Canadian provinces)- because there’s little chance they’ll draft a QB in the first round. [So there’s plenty of the Sex Cannon to come]

* I like a guy with a bit of meat on his bones, but for patriotic reasons I must note that American runner Ryan Hall broke the US athlete’s debut time record this weekend at the London Marathon. [U.S.A.! U.S.A.!]

* Scott Podsednik has hurt his groin again, this time injuring himself on his day off. While doing agility drills. Normally, injuring a groin might indicate a guy has gotten extraordinarily lucky- but Scott’s injury history begs to differ. [Scotty, please protect that region a little more carefully. Love, the women of Chicago]

Curse: Reversed

RIP Madden Curse, 1998-2007. You’ve left a slew of former greats in your wake: Marshall Faulk, Eddie George, Daunte Culpepper, Michael Vick, Donovan McNabb and Shaun Alexander. Well, no more- because much like Matt Leinart and the ’05 Trojans, you’re about to get shredded by Longhorn hottie Vince Young. He’s defeated much stronger opposition than you, including (but not limited to): Michigan, Oklahoma, USC, Ohio State, the NFL Draft, the Texans, the Colts, Merrill Hoge, communism, and evil everywhere… not to mention the SI Cover Jinx (six times). Farewell, Madden Curse! It’s been real, and it’s been fun- but it hasn’t been real fun.

The Ref

Keep your “Pro vs. Con”. Colbert can have his “Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger”. We’re gonna reward points and penalties to people based on their genius decisions and boneheaded moves.

	PERSONAL FOUL: Oklahoma Sooners As the Sooners prepare for their day of reckoning with the NCAA tomorrow, 82 Sluggo Win goes inside the peace talks between Bomar and the Okies. Note: the NCAA had to hire special interpreters to translate from “Uneducated Hick” to English. [82 Sluggo Win]
	HOLDING: Jeff Francouer Atlanta totally hearts Jeff, local boy done good. UmpBump wonders why- and compares him to your favorite underachieving asshole and mine, Pat Burrell. I’ll give you a hint as to why I think they love Jeff: he is really, unbelievably good looking. Isn’t that enough? [UmpBump]
	TIMEOUT: Brad Lidge Lidge loses his closer role and is relegated to the bullpen as middle relief. The Big Picture listens in on a session with Lidge and his therapist. Lidge could have saved the money- even this armchair therapist can tell you all his problems can be attributed to the 1-2 punch of Pujols and Podsednik homers. [The Big Picture]
	ILLEGAL MOTION: Mets Fans A Mets fan gets injured after being hit by a flying object at Shea. A really large flying object. Like, a person-sized flying object. True to form, the always courtly Met fan ran away without apologizing or checking on the woman he nearly knocked out. Chivalry lives! [Our Book Of Scrap]
	TOUCHDOWN: NFL Mock Draft Awful Announcing has gathered together a motley crew of sports bloggers to do our own mock draft, and show up all those punks who do that kind of thing for a living. 5 of the Ladies are joining in- and we may or may not make our picks based on how cute the guys’ butts are. We’re (man) handling the Rams, Steelers, Jets, Saints and Colts– any suggestions? [Awful Announcing]

Thursday’s Hottie Hit n Run

Quarterback Drew Bledsoe has decided to retire after 15 years in the NFL. He’s not necessarily a “hottie” in the strictest sense of the word, but I find him cute. He keeps losing his job to hotter men, that’s gotta be frustrating. His Super Bowl experiences are also less than stellar.  He played in the 1996 Super Bowl and got intercepted 4 times. He did not get to play in New England’s 2001 Super Bowl win. Also, I just really, really wanted to use this picture I found of him. I think Gramps and Tony Dungy’s assistant should hang out. [Perpetual Bridesmaid Leaves Church For Good]

This really isn’t news, Per Se, since every guy with a microphone or a pad of paper has been talking to him for weeks, but my boy Brady Quinn believes he should be the #1 draft pick and could help turn around an NFL franchise. Do these people think if they keep asking him, he’ll eventually just say, “No, I really shouldn’t go in the top 3. JaMarcus Russell is way better than I am.” Again, really just wanted an excuse to post a picture. SO. HOTT. [Quinn’s Answer Unchanged Since the Last Time You Asked]

Hottie Vision – Kirk Herbstreit

Kirk Herbstreit was not always the ESPN analyst/raging Ohio State homer he is today. Back in his glory days (1989-1993), Kirk Herbstreit was the QB for the Buckeyes (he was actually the first player to commit to then newly-hired head coach John Cooper)- and that was the genesis for the non-partial “impartial” commentator you see now. But Kirk of yesteryear has something in common with Kirk of today – they are both really freakin’ hot. Piercing blue eyes hot. All-American good looks hot. Tall, broad shoulders hot. Take your breath away hot.

After the jump, see a video of Kirk back when he used to wear the tight grey football pants of tOSU, running the ball against Minnesota in 1991. Awww, he’s got the tOSU attitude down pat! (and go Buckeyes! beat the hell outta Georgetown tomorrow!)

Hit and Run

* Chase Utley is a dirty, dirty boy. [Packer gives his annual thoughts on the Phillies] Also, how awesome is it that sunflower seeds are counted as part of the team’s “equipment”?

* Beware: David Aardsma keeps handcuffs in the bedroom- and he’s not afraid to use ’em. [Be careful snooping on Sox pitcher — you might get cuffed]

* Brady Quinn is bored with your photoshoots, Nike- but gets excited when talking about a Hummer. [Notre Dame’s Quinn finds photo shoot a bit odd]

I’m not very popular with the females- maybe it’s my ugly face?

* Screaming girls is just a hazard of the job for Nick Markakis. [Markakis silences critics, elicits yells from ladies]

* Ryan Howard does not have time for your silly questions, reporters. He’s got to celebrate (self-proclaimed) Ryan Howard Day. [Frustrated with slump, Howard snaps at writer]

* Farewell to the Victors – Lloyd Carr dismisses three lawbreakers from the Michigan football team, as expected. All the Buckstache wearers in Ohio gleefully burn their couches. [U-M’s Carr dismissses 3 players from team]

Homer Hotties: Texas Independence Day Edition

¡Feliz Día de Independencia de Tejas! For those unlucky souls in the other 49 states (and beyond), March 2nd is the official state holiday celebrating the Republic of Texas’ independence- not from Britain (we were still speaking Spanish and/or French at the time), not from the evil Yankee North (that will come later), but from Mexico. Yes, Texas was its own nation for almost 10 years- and we still act like we are today. This was the fourth flag of six to fly over Texas (hence the Six Flags themepark chain name), and we fly all six flags over the capitol building, at sports stadiums, etc. We are a funny people.

Pssst – the answer: Texas (of course)

I am using this day and the history lesson above as my excuse for a special edition of Homer Hotties- because rather than pick one guy, I’m going to give you a rundown of ALL the hotties that play for the Texas Longhorns. Don’t mess with Texas, y’all.

College Football – Offseason Pangs of Withdrawal

Things I learned from watching the 2007 College Football All-Star Challenge, from the Orange Bowl in Miami and broadcast on the World Wide Leader:

1. Not just suburban dads from Middle America wear pleated khakis, Kirk Herbstreit does, too. Wait, never mind- Kirk *is* a suburban dad from Middle America. After lusting after him for years, it’s hard to remember he’s a dad.

2. Darius Walker is not “short”. He’s “diminuitive”.

3. The best way to measure relative strength of college QBs wanting to enter the draft? Some blue-chalked footballs and a moving piece of cardboard with an oversized picture of a football player on it. Very realistic.

4. And speaking of college QBs- they’re hot. No, really. Troy Smith? Hot. Chris Leak? Hotter. Drew Stanton? Hottest. Even Boise State’s Zabransky is good looking. Is this a new draft requirement for NFL quarterbacks- a minimum hotness level? If so, I give it my seal of approval.