The Ladies Wax On about Waxing Off

Slash fiction... geddit?

This week’s Waxing Off topic at Deadspin was… disturbing. And gross. And demeaning to the women asked to write about it. If you didn’t read it, here’s the email sent to the women asked to contribute:

Michael Phelps Slash Fiction.
The inspiration for this comes from two sources. First, this post, which is pure nightmare fuel. Then there’s this, about how Phelps is being pursued by Lindsay Lohan (equally terrifying). We’d like to follow things to their logical conclusion, and figure that you guys would be the best to do that. Make it read like an excerpt from a steamy, filthy book. Put Michael Phelps in the situation of your choosing … male on male, male on female, Phelps on llama … the aristocrats! Nothing is too over-the-top or depraved; it’s slash fiction. Let ‘er rip. Keep to 250-350 words, if possible. And don’t forget the short graph at the end about yourself, where you can plug your site and/or projects if you wish.

Here are our collected reactions to this request:

Heckle this man

An odd item out of Clearwater in today’s Chester County Daily Local News:

As he walked off the field after six innings, [Cole] Hamels was greeted with a standing ovation from fans in the left field bleachers. A little over an hour earlier, the 24-year-old pitcher was being serenaded with a different kind of fan reaction.

“I had some great heckling in my bullpen, loved it,” said Hamels, who said both Rays and Phillies fans were yapping his way.

What are you trying to tell us, Colbert? That you like it when we say things like, “HEY HAMELS, NICE 12.60 ERA. AND YOU WANT ADAM EATON MONEY FOR THAT SHIT?!” and “DUDE, DID YOU GET YOUR HAIR HIGHLIGHTED IN THE OFF SEASON? WHAT THE HELL?!” and “I’VE SEEN YOUR WIFE’S COOTER!” OK, then. I’ll be sure to remember those gems for when I’m in Clearwater this weekend.

The annals of cool vegans: Pat Neshek

That’s one hot vegan.

I saw this tiny item at the bottom of Paul Hagen’s Baseball Notes today:

Twins reliever Pat Neshek was dominant early last season, but had a 4.83 earned run average in the second half. He thinks the fade might have been caused by an unhealthy lifetsyle, so he’s become a vegan.

I couldn’t believe what I was reading, so I went to Neesh’s blog and sure enough, it’s true! From the March 13 entry:

The last time I ate a whopper jr. was in 2004…the article never gave a date but people might have thought I ate those things last year…not the case. I didn’t go Vegan to do better on the field or improve my game, the article makes it sound like I was looking for answers and this is what I came up with, not the case. I feel like the article was suppose to be about me getting stronger and how I struggled late last season and in some odd way the vegan thing got tied in. … For the most part of the season last year I was vegetarian (didn’t tell anyone) if I had the choice and when we were on the road I really didn’t have a choice and ate what the clubby had or whatever restaurant was close…who cares. This really isn’t new to me its just another step that I’m trying out. I’m not telling anyone to go out and go vegan, I’m not here to say this is the best thing in the world, as is everything I do on here I’m telling my story and shedding light into the life of a ballplayer…

Aside from the defensive tack he takes, this is a really cool news item. How many major league pitchers are vegans? Pat, you have to come to Citizens Bank Park–PETA says we have the best vegetarian ballpark food!

If the shotputter wants his money y’all should give him his money

An article in today’s New York Times (sidebar: where Ladies BFFs and all around awesome dudes Enrico and Matt P of The 700 Level are holding down the fort this week at the Fifth Down blog) talks about the recruiting challenges faced by nonrevenue athletes and coaches.

It’s an enlightening read; the glamour sports, basketball and football, have changed the college sports recruiting landscape and now even nonrevenue athletes are approaching the process as aggressively a linebacker or a power forward would.

And now for something completely different: Hot shotputters.

NOM NOM NOM!

Um, I live 15 minutes from UDel. I think I need to start going to track and field events. You know, to see how UDel’s spending their scholarshop money.

Kicking ass, taking names 1986 style

Checking in with the Ladies’ Blue Jays in the Sporting News’ 1986: Take Two challenge, we find that despite a few recent struggles, the Ladies’ still remain first in the AL East with a record of 65-49. I also note with no little amusement that the Ladies are kicking the shit out of Curt Schilling’s Red Sox, who’re languishing in fourth with a record of 58-54.

Mitch Williams: He’s spicy

I’m running this item because a) Tuesdays are my day, b) Mitchy Poo had a sweet, sweet ass in the ’90s and c) that photo still makes me smile.

An article in today’s Philadelphia Inquirer details Mitch “Wild Thing” Williams’ involvement in a CYO basketball game.

Wild Thing thought his daughter’s basketball team was getting jobbed, and “[t]he former Phillies hurler cursed at a female referee who was calling a basketball game in which his daughter, a fifth-grader, was playing for St. Mary of the Lakes against Our Lady of Good Counsel.”

You stay classy, Mitch.

Be Mine

People ask me what I do in winter when there’s no baseball. I’ll tell you what I do. I stare out the window and wait for spring.

~Rogers Hornsby

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, and that’s certainly true for baseball fans who have to endure the long and lonely offseason that stretches through the cold, unending months of winter. But those dark days are officially behind us now: it’s P&C day, y’all.

It’s positively poetic that pitchers and catchers report on Valentine’s Day, because quite a few of the Ladies have ongoing torrid affairs with baseball. And let’s be honest- we’d much rather be treated to the boys of summer than yet another lame box of candy. So we’ve put together a few love letters to baseball – little Valentine’s treats for our favorite teams and players, and the game itself… all after the jump.

Super Bowl XLII: The Ladies React

Holly: NOW IS THE SEASON OF MANNING.

TSW: Short of the Steelers winning SB XLII, this is best outcome. (And I am proud that three out of the four Ladies who made picks, picked the Giants.)

Clare: I cannot believe what I have just seen.

TSW: So glad it wasn’t a blow out. I cannot believe how many people said this game was going to be lame.

Andrea: WOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Best Super Bowl since Rams/Titans! Holy crap! WOOOOOOOO!!!! [falls over, asleep]

Rocking it out with Dwayne Johnson

A few weeks ago, the good people at Disney contacted us to tell us Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s movie The Game Plan was coming out on DVD today and did we want to do a little something about it?

In about five minutes, our afternoon email round robin took a decidedly “OMG THE ROCK!! SQUEEEEEEE!!” tone. So today and tomorrow, we’re grooming our eyebrows and sharpening our People’s elbows to bring you Rocky goodness in review, flashback and quiz form.

And you can win stuff! That’s right! We have real, honest to blog prizes to give away.

Smell what the Ladies… are cooking after the jump.

For 2008 I Resolve…

Ah, the first of the new year. It’s that great day to kiss your sweetie (or that really hot guy standing to your left) at midnight, watching the bowl games (or outdoor hockey), and to make a fresh start in your life.

Or something like that.

Yes, last week was that time to make a whole bunch of resolutions to yourself. I know, you’ve already resolved to lose weight and to stop drinking as much and finally start saving your money for a rainy day. Let’s be honest, you’re not going to do any of that. You would have already. How about making some logical resolutions this year? I will not hate the Yankees with a white hot fire. I will appreciate Alabama for its continued devotion to a dead coach. I won’t defecate in a cooler. All the things you know you can do.

If you’re at a loss as to what you should resolve this year, read the Ladies… 2008 resolutions for some ideas. I’m sure you’ll be able to adopt some of our ideas. And if not, good luck with that whole less drinking thing.

My country ’tis of thee, sweet land of Liberty (Bowl)

Of 10-3 I sing.

Hump Day Hottie Hit and Run: Pro Bowl Edition

There are a number of different ways I could go with today’s Hit and Run. I could talk about Danny Haren’s “Hi, I’m a D-back now” press conference,

or The Great One’s Phoenix Coyotes clowning my Flyers, or Shaun White being cited for setting off a fire extinguisher in a hotel while he was drunk (and really, who among us hasn’t done that?) or The Rocket vehmently denying the claims in the Mitchell report that he used The Steroids, but since the 2008 Pro Bowl rosters were announced yesterday, let’s take an in-depth look at the hotties who’ll be getting a free trip to Hawaii this February.

Santa Baby, Hurry Down The Chimney Tonight

Just over a week left before Christmas and you’re still not sure what to get the sporty woman in your life?

Tired of at least four “diamonds for the journey” during every commercial break? Does your brain shut off the second you walk into the local mall? Does your wife grit her teeth every time she remembers the year you bought her a boom box for Christmas, which was returned on December 26th at 9 am?

We here at Ladies know how hard it can be to pick out the perfect gift, so we’ve made ours lists and checked them twice, and figured out which presents are naughty or nice for the female fans in your life.

AND IF THERE IS REALLY IS A SANTA CLAUS THAN HE CAN MAKE SOME OF OUR WISHES COME TRUE!

The Men of the Mitchell Report

Ladies…is proud to introduce the one and only 2008 Men of the Mitchell Report Calendar: All ‘roids, all year ’round. This morning, we invite you to join us for exclusive previews along with excerpts from our liveblog of yesterday’s circus.

Roll call! What are we drinking, Ladies?

[10:27] Andrea: yeah, I gotta get my wine. I have some X Y Zin, heh heh
[10:28] TheStarterWife: I have some coffee
[10:28] TheStarterWife: but am eying the booze in the bar
[10:28] Texas Gal: I’m drinking Abita Christmas Ale
[10:28] TheStarterWife: or the beer in my fridge
[10:28] Holly: I have…water and Emergen-C. Sigh.
[10:28] Texas Gal: Louisiana swamp water beer = yum

Without further ado…I give you…Mr. January. U-S-A!!

The five stages of Bacon Pants grief

The Ladies… count two Phillies homers among their ranks, so Texas Gal and I were hoping that our meaty, darling, grinder Aaron “Bacon Pants” Rowand would resign with the Phillies. His face-smashing entusiasm and team-first attitude were part of what made the Phillies so much fun to watch this season. Also, he wears his uniform pants really tight. We liked that.

2007 was a banner year for Bacon Pants, and with the cheapskates in the Phillies front office shying away from long-term contracts, Bacon Pants signed today with the San Francisco Giants. He’ll patrol the outfield for the next five years, taking home a cool $12 million per year.

The fans of the San Francisco Giants have to be happy — there’s somebody fun to watch out in the outfield again.

I, however, am taking this news a little harder. I am — if you will — a sad panda.

Pink Locker Room

What a PERFECT ending to the craziest college football season I can remember. The best comment I saw right when the game ended was “You just got WANNSTACHED!” Heh. I think I’ll let Clare do the talking on this one:

Clare: [jumps around living room like an autistic child] WoooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo! Light the golden lamps of victory! What? Pitt went 5-7 on the season? And 3-4 in the Big East? Oh. Uh….

WOOOOOOOOOOOOO WE WON WE BEAT WEST FUCKIN’ VIRGINIA WOOOOOOO!!!!!

Ed.’s note:  There is no Dana, only Zuul.

Stand By Your Man – Week 7

Is there anyone more crushing to Fantasy Football owners than Tom Brady? (That is, unless you drafted Tom Brady?) His 188.10 total points for the season smoke second place Tony Romo (150.46) in the league.

Let’s just take a moment to acknowledge what geniuses we are by not drafting Brady Quinn in our all-hottie league. Not only is he still riding the pine, but the Browns starter Derek Anderson is in third with his 120.84 points. And, QUITE FRANKLY, he’s hotter than Brady in my book. More rugged. More manly. Poised even.

Pink Locker Room

Howdy everyone. I’m filling in for Lady A this week. Something about breaking team rules or whatnot. All I know is that as the backup, I’m just being asked to not lose the game. Or whatever the blogging equivalent is.

After a kickass week of none of our teams losing, fate was not with us this past Saturday. Maybe some of our teams didn’t get the memo of what can happen when you don’t lose. Oh well. There’s always next week, right?

Lady Andrea: I tried to ride my “streak” by not watching Iowa or wearing any Iowa gear today. Clearly, that did not work because Purdue took us out behind the woodshed to the tune of 31-6. I got a text message from a friend of mine who goes to Purdue that said, “Your QB is laughably bad.” Here he is, possibly about to fall down. Sigh. At least the World Series starts soon.

Week 6 – Shaking up the Stand By Your Man Posts. Again.

TSW – Hey Holly and SA – Did you see this headline yet?
*wonders what the sound of two exploding heads is like*

Holly – HISSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

In all seriousness: No surprise this year, really, with all the new receivers the Pats acquired and the resurgence of the Colts’ running game. They’re basically running our 2005 offense, the premise of which is: Of the eleven guys on the field, be able to throw to about eight of them. Should be a lot of fun to watch.

And yes, it’s nice for Tom to finally reach Peyton’s level. A lofty aspiration for a Wolverine–I’m happy for him! ;)

SA – OH. NO. YOU. DIDN’T.

Friday Football Foodie – Dave’s Hot Beef Dip, Kahlua and Coffee, and Salt & Pepper Pita Chips

This week’s Friday Football Foodie dish was submitted by Dave’s Football Blog, home to anything foot and ball. Soccer of every color and stripe, rugby, Aussie rules, CFL, and of course, American gridiron. (Dave also runs a chill music podcast over at Dave’s Lounge, which I highly recommend.)

Dave first posted the recipe for the Hot Beef Dip back for Super Bowl XL – predicting a Steelers’ win, naturally – but this recipe is really too good to wait for a special event game, especially as we head into fall and heartier football snacking.

You will need…

For Whom The Babe Roots: NLCS

A phenomenon known as “base-ball” has been making headlines around these parts since the inception of the site. The alleged “National League Championship Series” is upon us…time to pick a side or go home. In the red corner: TheStarterWife and Clare, freestylin’ for the Diamondbacks. In the purple corner: Lady Andrea, Metschick, and surprise special guest star tap the Rockies, if you know what I mean. (Don’t feel bad. There is no force in the universe that could have stopped me from making that joke.)

Leading off, the lovely TSW, with her plea for the boys of Arizona:

Why does Stephen Drew smile, other than the fact he is the talented Drew brother? Fucking hit .500 against the Cubbies with two homes and four RBIs, that’s why.

Stand By Your Man – Fantasy QB Results: Week 5

Week 5. Really. It is already Week 5. One-third of the regular season is done and gone.

Tom Brady remains the only undefeated QB (surprisingly in head to head QB match-ups Peyton Manning is 2-3 in this league), and Clare’s Speckhosen finally come back to earth with a loss this weekend leaving her tied with SA and myself at 4-1.

This weekend also saw GordonShumway’s Jake Delhomme go out for the season, so she might want to consider sending her third stringer Jay Cutler a few casual, “How’ve you been” emails while Drew Brees proves to be the flakiest date of the season.

Ladies University 1st Annual Screw Your Roommate Dance

October at Ladies U. Summer tans have all but faded away. The air is finally cold enough to pull favorite sweaters out of storage. Too late in the semester to drop Legends of the PGA without getting an “incomplete”.

And it time for the annual Screw Your Roommate Dance. As is tradition, each Lady selected her roommate’s date for dance. Pick someone too perfect and you miss the fun of watching the gal who keeps using your special lavender mint lotion ($36 a bottle! Buy your own bitch!) squirm. Choose someone too heinous and you’re apt to find your macroeconomics textbook being used as a bong in revenge.

Stand By Your Man – Fantasy QB Results: Week 4

Short and sweet as we go into Week 4 of the Ladies “Stand by Your Man” hottie QB fantasy league. I’m exhausted from seeing my main squeeze play in person – more on this later in the week – and let’s face it; October is when all hell breaks loose in sports. Some of the craziest baseball in ages, (Rockies, Cubs, Phillies, and Diamondbacks? Who the hell had that in the pool?), hockey has dropped its first puck, and now that we are 1/4 through the regular season, the NFL story lines are in place. Favre’s record setting season. Peyton Manning and Tom Brady continue to walk on water. Romo is for real. Grossman rides the pine. And Philip Rivers is secretly txting Marty every time Norv turns his back.

Hit & Run: Celebration Times Three

Today ain’t any normal Monday, and this ain’t gonna be your normal Hit & Run- because we have some serious celebratin’ to do. Perhaps you haven’t heard- but the Boston Red Sox, Chicago Cubs and Philadelphia Phillies all clinched their division titles over the weekend… and as you might expect, GordonShumway, Clare and I are a tad bit excited about that.

OK, we’re freakin’ ecstatic. We’re bouncing off the walls, rally towel waving, champagne swigging, hugging random strangers, put an empty Bud Light case on our head and dance around in our underwear ECSTATIC. And we’re triple tag-teaming this H&R to share a little bit of our excitement with you.

And, of course, I’ve gathered together plenty of pictures of celebratory ballplayers covered in champagne after the jump…

Stand By Your Man – Fantasy QB Results: Week 3

Apologies to all the Ladies this morning for my delay in posting this this week’s Fantasy Football results. I went to do the post last night, but WordPress was down for repairs and I ended up falling asleep to “My House Flip” before eventually making it to bed.

What a sleep it was though. I never ever – EVER – dream about making out with hot celebrities in my sleep. Ever. (Ok, maybe once, but I think it has been quite some time since it last happened.)

Last night? I dreamt that George Clooney was running a abs-fitness boot camp and that I was taking the class, only to have George work me harder than the other students. After the training session, we ended up kissing for a bit, and he looks at me and says, “Don’t you remember me?” This teasing goes back and forth a little bit, and then he acts all hurt that I don’t remember hooking-up with him at the premiere party after-party for The Rundown. (Note – George Clooney was not in The Rundown, nor did I go to that premiere.) Anyway, he walks me back to my car and we make plans for later that day, leaving me to call my friend Jeremy and figuring out how to explain to TSB how I made out Clooney in summer of 2003 because that was about the time we stopped seeing other people and made our whole deal exclusive. (By this point in the dream, Clooney was looking more like Billy Zane, but I could have cared less. Both hot.)

So back to the Fantasy Football post.

Friday Football Foodie: Cucumber-feta dip, PUDDING SHOTS! and the Dunkin’ Donuts Extreme Bacon Extravaganza

This week, TSW has a bye and I’m calling the plays on the Friday Football Foodie.

It might be heresy to some to include vegetable matter in their football food plans that a) doesn’t come on top of a pizza or b) doesn’t accompany a bratwurst, but I cannot have a party without putting out veggies and dip. Besides, you’re getting a jump on the “eat veggies and fruit for the rest of the week” edict that usually comes with the FFF.

Not to worry, though: There’s no cooking — just chopping and stirring — and the Drink of the Week doubles as dessert!

Stand By Your Man – Fantasy QB Results: Week 2

Week 2 of the Stand By Your Man fantasy football league had two Ladies, (Andrea and Clare), already looking to their back-up boyfriends and featured hottie QBs that were going against each other in the Sunday Night Football game.

Metschick (De)Jesus’ Homies	vs	SA Woodson over Manning
Philip Rivers 11.76	Starting QB	Tom Brady 22.36
Alex Smith 4.94	Backup QB	Matt Hasselbeck 13.84
Eli Manning 13.44	“Just a friend”	Matt Leinart 14.56
113.06	Overall team score	221.56

Winning QB and Game winner – SA

Metschick – I hate you, Philip Rivers. Yeah, you played better this week, but you only got me 11 points, and the QB your team faced netted my opponent 22. Whatever, just get out of my sight.

SA – DREAMBOAT!!!! That’s all.

Hit and Run: LOUD NOISES!

JIM THOME IS NAUGHT BUT A HOPELESS ROMANTIC

THOOOOOOOOME! Pictured here smooching his wife Andrea (note: not our Andrea), Ol’ Hambone Thome hit No. 500 yesterday, and did it in grand fashion: a two-run walkoff jack, and on Jim Thome bobblehead day. The fellow who caught the milestone ball gave it right back to Jim, and Thome announced after the game that he and his father would deliver it to Cooperstown together.

Excuse me, but it’s gotten dusty in my office all of a sudden. [Sniffle.]

Friday’s Hottie Hit n Run: Ladies Edition

First off, the Ladies would like to extend thoughts and prayers to one of our baseball finds this year, Jarrod Saltalamacchia of the Texas Rangers. He has told the Rangers he will not be available to play winter ball because his wife Ashley is already having complications with the pregnancy of their second child. We hope everything turns out just fine for the Saltalamacchias. [That Must Be a Heckuva Last Name to Consider When Naming Your Children]