The Men of the Mitchell Report

Ladies…is proud to introduce the one and only 2008 Men of the Mitchell Report Calendar: All ‘roids, all year ’round. This morning, we invite you to join us for exclusive previews along with excerpts from our liveblog of yesterday’s circus.

Roll call! What are we drinking, Ladies?

[10:27] Andrea: yeah, I gotta get my wine. I have some X Y Zin, heh heh
[10:28] TheStarterWife: I have some coffee
[10:28] TheStarterWife: but am eying the booze in the bar
[10:28] Texas Gal: I’m drinking Abita Christmas Ale
[10:28] TheStarterWife: or the beer in my fridge
[10:28] Holly: I have…water and Emergen-C. Sigh.
[10:28] Texas Gal: Louisiana swamp water beer = yum

Without further ado…I give you…Mr. January. U-S-A!!


[10:30] Texas Gal: Clemens still looks hot, even in the ESPNNews report on him juicing
[10:30] Texas Gal: Oh now they’re showing him working out at his giant-ass sports complex at his house in Houston
[10:31] Texas Gal: Ah, and Andy Pettitte is there, too – roid brothers
[10:31] Texas Gal: Seriously- this report is from 2002… right in the middle of them juicing. FUNNY
[10:31] Metsy: it must be DEFCON 4 over there
[10:31] TheStarterWife: I tried to schedule the conference room this morning so I could watch TV at 11… of course someone had “meeting”
[10:32] Texas Gal: i bet that person is watching espn, too
[10:40] Andrea: so, what’s the format of this press conference?
[10:40] Andrea: is he just going to read a list?
[10:41] Andrea: that really would be kind of like Santa
[10:41] Texas Gal: I bet we get lots of pontificating
[10:42] Metsy: ugh, I hate pontificating, but I KNOW that’s all we’ll get in the next few days
[10:42] TheStarterWife: I think they should have had a pay per view
[10:42] TheStarterWife: some sort of ring
[10:42] Texas Gal: it’s funny to see fat John Kruk talking about roids
[10:42] Texas Gal: but if El Guapo is on the list, I guess anyone’s game
[10:43] TheStarterWife: yeah, how did he not make the list
[10:43] Texas Gal: Kruk is way too fat and out of shape to have ever used
[10:43] Andrea: I’d like to see it done like a Royal Rumble
[10:43] Andrea: each guy comes out every 2 minutes
[10:43] Texas Gal: AWESOME
[10:43] Andrea: into a big ring
[10:43] Texas Gal: like, with a fanfare and theme music
[10:43] Holly: COTILLION!
[10:43] Texas Gal: WWF style
[10:43] Holly: (I always want a cotillion.)
[10:44] Texas Gal: we need to have one, just for you
[10:44] Metsy: that would be awesome
[10:44] Holly: That was my original idea before we did the bracket, remember?
[10:44] Holly: Blogger Cotillion.
[10:44] Holly: Nerdy boys in elbow gloves.
[10:44] Andrea: so, when the Ladies get together: wine, bad horror movies, sports, cotillion
[10:45] Texas Gal: I’m really surprised ESPN doesn’t have a “COUNTDOWN TO DESTRUCTION” clock on the side
[10:46] Texas Gal: 15 minutes until doom
[10:46] Holly: Cowherd?
[10:46] Holly: kept using the verb “apprehending” this morning
[10:46] Holly: like, “we’re apprehending names fast as we can”
[10:46] Holly: I don’t think it means what he thinks it means.
[10:46] Andrea: I like the idea of apprehending the offenders…with a lasso
[10:47] Texas Gal: if we get to wear boots and spurs, I’m down with that


[10:48] Holly: Don’t we have two unwinnable desert wars and a collapsing economy to deal with?
[10:49] Holly: Can we maybe, um, work on that?
[10:49] Texas Gal: It’s the classic Prestige, right – look over here everybody! Don’t look at what I have in my right hand- look here at my left!
[10:49] Holly: It’s just so bizarre that the guvermint is involved in baseball in any way.,
[10:50] TheStarterWife: Holly – not really that weird. The govt gives them anti-trust exemption
[10:50] Holly: <–learning!
[10:50] Metsy: what’s so bizarre about the guvermint being involved in MLB is that NFL athletes look like the poster boys for steroid use, and yet they’re not all up in the NFL’s bidness like they are in MLB’s.
[10:51] Andrea: Kip Wells to the Rockies….I don’t know how the Mitchell Report will get ANY press now….
[10:51] TheStarterWife: and if you consider how many stadiums and arenas in this country are built with local and state funding
[10:51] Holly: God, I cannot imagine this kind of thing in football. no no no no do not want.

[10:53] Texas Gal: They’re handing it out….
[10:53] Texas Gal: There is paper moving around….
[10:54] Andrea: Jason Priestly!
[10:54] Texas Gal: I KNOW
[10:54] Andrea: on steroids!
[10:54] Texas Gal: 90210
[10:54] Andrea: I can’t stop laughing
[10:54] Texas Gal: Luke Perry- I hope you didn’t juice
[10:54] Andrea: Steve was a total juicer
[10:54] Andrea: Ian Ziering was HUGE on that show
[10:54] Holly: I’m so excited–I’M SO SCARED
[10:54] Texas Gal: Kelly did the clear, I know
[10:54] Holly: (wrong show)
[10:55] Metsy: dude, Brenda totally roided!
[10:55] Andrea: her roid rage was terrifying


[10:55] Texas Gal: I love the dork in a bad suit reading from the report
[10:55] Texas Gal: like he scanned and found the name “Clemens” and they put him on air before he even knew what it said
[10:56] Texas Gal: 300 PAGES
[10:56] Texas Gal: with appendices and photographs
[10:56] Texas Gal: PHOTOS OF CHECKS
[10:56] Holly: [Alice’s Restaurant joke]
[10:56] Holly: circles and arrows
[10:57] Texas Gal: Do you think Paul LoDuca’s checks to his freshmen girls are in there?
[10:57] Andrea: “please come back to us.” ESPN’s so needy.

[10:57] Texas Gal: HERE WE GO
[10:57] Texas Gal: STRAP IN
[10:57] Andrea: yikes
[10:58] Texas Gal: why is he smiling?
[10:58] SA: i still say, that’s one scary man
[10:58] Metsy: ugh, hurry up MLB box!!!
[10:58] Texas Gal: STOP SMILING
[10:58] Andrea: where’s the canary he’s going to eat first?
[11:00] Texas Gal: For a second I thought he was going to say Charlie Sheen
[11:00] Texas Gal: If Charlie Sheen was on the committee, it would be so much more fun
[11:00] Metsy: hookers for all!
[11:00] Texas Gal: WILD THING
[11:01] Metsy: did he thank God already?
[11:01] Texas Gal: here’s the part where they try and justify why MLB got to see the report 3 days early
[11:01] Holly: and Home Depot?
[11:01] Metsy: blah, blah, blah, get to the dirt
[11:01] Andrea: here’s the sermon
[11:01] Texas Gal: Not yet, Metsy – I’m sure we’ll hear a lot about God from those named guys
[11:02] Texas Gal: Pontification, AHOY!
[11:02] Holly: If I were in that room
[11:02] Holly: I’d be in the back with a zippo hollering FREEEEEEE BIRRRRD!
[11:02] Texas Gal: I think I would randomly throw things at Mitchell’s head
[11:02] Holly: PLAY SOME SKYNYRD!!
[11:02] Texas Gal: spitballs, paper airplanes, my shoes- whatever

[11:03] TheStarterWife: 409 pages
[11:03] TheStarterWife: fuck
[11:03] Clare: i have never been so excited for a pdf in my life
[11:03] Texas Gal: VARITEK ISN’T IN THERE!!!!!!!!
[11:03] Andrea: neither is Pujols
[11:04] Texas Gal: I don’t see Nomar, either
[11:04] Texas Gal: Ankiel is all over the place
[11:04] Andrea: we knew about Ankiel
[11:04] Andrea: (sad face)
[11:04] TheStarterWife: there are checks all over the place
[11:05] SA: wait, is he just reading the first couple of pages of the report?
[11:05] Texas Gal: well- he got busted for HGH. This report can name guys for that- PEDS or steroids
[11:05] Texas Gal: so there could be all new stories
[11:05] Holly: LET’S READ ALONG!
[11:05] Metsy: he should def. be using some shadow hand puppets
[11:05] Clare: i can hear some asshole on a speakerphone in the background
[11:05] Holly: Oh, way to cast aspersions, Senator Crankypants.
[11:05] TheStarterWife: just an aside – you know what is great? If anyone walks into my office, I just have a PDF open
[11:06] Clare: OMG, lo douchebag’s in there


[11:06] Holly: oh, of course, IT’S ABOUT THE CHILDREN.
[11:07] Texas Gal: Think of the children!
[11:07] Holly: He should have a choir behind him
[11:07] Holly: humming the star spangled banner
[11:07] Holly: and waving American flags.
[11:07] Texas Gal: That’s all these guys think about when they’re charging 200 bucks for autographs
[11:07] Texas Gal: THE KIDS
[11:07] TheStarterWife: And they are also using pot, coke, LSD, and OxyContin you asshole
[11:07] Holly: Americans should be shocked into action?
[11:07] TheStarterWife: and they are having sex
[11:07] Holly: About ANYTHING?
[11:07] Metsy: americans don’t give a fuck
[11:07] Andrea: Steroids are worse than terrorists
[11:07] Texas Gal: Well, LoDuca thinks about the kids – but he thinks about them as potential dates
[11:07] Clare: BA-ZING
[11:08] Holly: ESPN is breaking in over Mitchell to list names.
[11:08] Holly: THANK YOU ESPN.
[11:08] Metsy: nice
[11:08] Andrea: wow, ESPN did something right
[11:08] Holly: aww fuck, back to Mitchell
[11:08] Holly: BABY COME BACK
[11:08] Holly: (No one has ever said that before.)
[11:09] Texas Gal: dude cannot let a major baseball event happening without breaking in with his own news
[11:09] Andrea: what did ARod do?
[11:09] Holly: A quadruple pirouette?
[11:09] Texas Gal: finalized his contract!
[11:09] Metsy: A-Rod is such an attention whore
[11:09] Texas Gal: LIKE WE CARE
[11:09] Metsy: when’s he gonna get his own reality show?
[11:09] Holly: I’LL SLEEP SOUNDLY!

[11:09] Texas Gal: I like that every single club is implicated
[11:10] TheStarterWife: well, some players were on multiple teams
[11:10] Texas Gal: Each of the 30 clubs had a player or players involved
[11:10] Andrea: wow
[11:10] Texas Gal: I bet 60% of these are McNamee
[11:10] Texas Gal: that fucker
[11:11] TheStarterWife: I mean, Raul Mondesi would have tainted about 9 teams
[11:11] Holly: He’s our Typhoid Mary.
[11:11] Metsy: sweet, I just found my place in the PDF
[11:12] TheStarterWife: Metsy dopes?

[11:13] Texas Gal: YOU’RE BORING US, GEORGE
[11:13] Texas Gal: he needs visual aids
[11:13] Metsy: or shadow puppets!
[11:13] TheStarterWife: He should do a demonstration
[11:14] SA: power point presentation
[11:14] Clare: “this is how you use steroids, which are something you put in your butt”


[11:14] Metsy: how is mike piazza not named?
[11:14] Texas Gal: just because they’re not named doesn’t mean they’re innocent
[11:15] Texas Gal: it just means the rats they found didn’t rat them out
[11:15] Metsy: ok, Kapler’s another name I expected to find here
[11:16] Texas Gal: Brady Anderson isn’t there – that guy is a POSTER BOY for roids
[11:16] Metsy: boo, it seems like all the people they’re gonna name are names we already knew
[11:16] Texas Gal: Shea Hillenbrand isn’t there – I was hoping roids explained why he was such a fucking asshole
[11:16] Clare: this guy sounds like the teacher in “peanuts”
[11:16] Clare: wah wah wah wah wah
[11:18] TheStarterWife: Aggregate Data?
[11:18] TheStarterWife: “best practices”?
[11:18] TheStarterWife: way to use every business buzz phrase
[11:18] TheStarterWife: that will make people tune out
[11:19] Texas Gal: So we got…. the same guys we already knew, plus Clemens and Pettitte.
[11:19] Clare: i know, this is a real snoozefest
[11:19] SA: the cited sources are more interesting to me right now
[11:19] Andrea: I think I would’ve preferred just reading of a list, Santa-style
[11:20] Clare: that would have been far more amusing
[11:20] Texas Gal: Andie really needs to be in charge of these things in the future
[11:20] Texas Gal: We could have done it Broadway-style: with song and dance routines!
[11:21] Holly: Kickline!
[11:21] Clare: the inquisition/let’s begin/the inquisition
[11:21] Andrea: I love kicklines
[11:21] Andrea: fan kicks and jazz hands
[11:21] Texas Gal: One! Needle in the butt! Every little day of the season!

[11:21] Clare: jason grimsley has the GAYEST checks
[11:21] Clare: they have a motif of a bunch of tulips on them
[11:22] Texas Gal: OH JESUS
[11:22] Texas Gal: Now he’s bringing in the Troubles
[11:22] Texas Gal: yes- steroids in baseball is like a hundreds-year old religious and political conflict
[11:23] Metsy: LoDuca’s sometimes cute… B&T brows and all
[11:23] Texas Gal: yeah- what’s with your Mets and their immaculately groomed brows?
[11:23] Metsy: there’s a waxer on staff?
[11:26] Andrea: there are TON of Orioles
[11:26] Clare: if only the colbert report wasn’t on reruns.
[11:27] Clare: YOU’RE ON NOTICE
[11:27] Andrea: there’s a NOTE from Paul to a supplier
[11:27] Andrea: “my phone is TOAST”


[11:27] Clare: GOD, Lo Duca is so twee
[11:27] Texas Gal: I wish LoDuca’s checks had puppies and kittens on them
[11:28] Holly: Anne Geddes
[11:28] Metsy: what page are the gay checks on?
[11:28] Clare: go to section D
[11:28] Texas Gal: I think that should be the title of the post: What page are the gay checks on?
[11:28] TheStarterWife: WE MUST DEAL WITH OUR PAST
[11:28] TheStarterWife: they are mixed all in
[11:29] Clare: they’re all at the back of the pdf as well
[11:29] Clare: as an appendix
[11:29] TheStarterWife: GO TO PAGE 259


[11:29] TheStarterWife: “Call me if you need anything”
[11:29] Clare: SO TWEE
[11:30] Metsy: such amateurs
[11:30] Metsy: you would’ve thought they’d be smart enough to use cash
[11:30] TheStarterWife: ok the FAN guys are hurting my head now
[11:30] TheStarterWife: what is on ESPN
[11:31] Holly: Mitchell talkypants.
[11:31] Clare: OMG, I’m totally going to make a sign for next season’s phillies-nats games “call me if you need anything! –Paul” somebody’s got to make a sign to bring to
[11:31] Holly: But Herbstreit’s gonna break in!
[11:31] Holly: So that’ll be awesome!
[11:31] Holly: Or should I say
[11:31] Holly: Brahsome.
[11:31] TheStarterWife: that picture is the best thing ever
[11:31] TheStarterWife: or at least in the last 2 minutes
[11:31] Holly: I’ll include it as part of a stationery package with the calendar
[11:32] Holly: supplies are limited.


[11:32] Texas Gal: we’re back to the children
[11:33] Texas Gal: Gagne is in there – hahahahahahahahah
[11:34] TheStarterWife: he was traded the other day right?
[11:34] Holly: yup
[11:34] Clare: oh, i hate this “oh, i’m human, i made a mistake” bs
[11:35] Holly: “I tripped, and plunged this syringe into my ass!”
[11:34] Texas Gal: and there’s emails from Theo about Gagne’s steroid use
[11:34] Texas Gal: WHOA
[11:35] TheStarterWife: what page?
[11:35] Texas Gal: start at 265
[11:35] Texas Gal: he “lacks the poise and commitment to stay healthy”

[11:36] TheStarterWife: so this is what I don’t get – the fedex slip sending it to Dodger Stadium
[11:36] TheStarterWife: was no one worried the mail room would open it?
[11:36] TheStarterWife: I mean really
[11:36] Holly: can we put Gagne in the Calendar out of spite?
[11:37] Texas Gal: YES
[11:37] Holly: If you like your men rugged, intellectual, and full of chemicals…
[11:36] Texas Gal: I think everyone knew about it and no one would have batted an eye at it – that’s the problem
[11:37] Texas Gal: who cares if mailroom opens it
[11:37] Texas Gal: they wouldn’t have been shocked at all
[11:37] TheStarterWife: But still – what if it was some wacko sending anthrax or something
[11:37] Holly: oh, totes
[11:37] Texas Gal: George. Mitchell. Always. Talks. In Soundbites.
[11:38] Metsy: prob. comes from all the senatoring he used to do
[11:37] Holly: I just said totes someone slap me.
[11:37] Texas Gal: SLAP
[11:38] Holly: I CAN SEE!
[11:38] Texas Gal: it’s a miracle!
[11:38] Holly: +1 for use of senator as a verb.

[11:38] Texas Gal: I still can’t believe he brought up Northern Ireland. That pisses me off, actually.
[11:38] Holly: I MISSED THAT.
[11:39] TheStarterWife: I think the audio feed is behind holly
[11:39] Holly: oh, of course.
[11:39] Andrea: I had already thought this was a lot like Northern Ireland. And Darfur. Didn’t you guys?
[11:39] Andrea: our chat room speaks to its seriousness
[11:39] Texas Gal: Well, now that you and George mention it… yes!
[11:40] Metsy: where are the car bombs? If this is like Northern Ireland, I demand to see car bombs!
[11:40] TheStarterWife: “Senator – Do you think if we had better border security would stem the tide of HGH? And follow up, would you vote for Lou Dobbs for President?”


11:41] Texas Gal: Chad Allen is in there – I guess “Our House” didn’t pay well
[11:41] Texas Gal: had to juice to keep up with Brimley
[11:47] Metsy: “…and the guys not on the list were smart enough to use cash.”
[11:47] Metsy: so true
[11:48] Texas Gal: “everything I see in the report is stuff we already knew”
[11:48] Texas Gal: weren’t you charged with following the investigation wherever it leads?
[11:48] Clare: who is asking this?
[11:48] Texas Gal: a reporter
[11:49] Metsy: “Dave Bell must have bought his shit from the dollar store” – awesome
[11:50] Andrea: oooh, Northern Ireland again
[11:50] Texas Gal: roids are definitely the Troubles of the 00’s
[11:51] Texas Gal: (seriously- he did do amazing work in N.I. – but it pisses me off that he’s talking about that here)
[11:51] Texas Gal: RED SOX
[11:51] Texas Gal: I knew his bias would come up
[11:51] Texas Gal: people are going to bitch more Sox weren’t named
[11:51] Clare: well, i’m surprised that so few sox are in there
[11:51] Clare: why lie? i am?
[11:52] Andrea: I was relieved at how few Cards are in there
[11:52] Andrea: though Ryan Franklin surprised me, I forgot about his past positive test
[11:52] Texas Gal: there are hardly ANY names in there – it’s all O’s (Bigbie as the source) and Yankees (McNamee as the source)
[11:52] Texas Gal: it’s not “no Sox” it’s…. no anyone
[11:52] Metsy: god, I’ll remember to replay this press conf when I need to fall asleep later on tonight
[11:52] Andrea: yeah, it’s not quite as “juicy” as I hoped, Mel
[11:53] TheStarterWife: No one is going to be happy with this report
[11:53] TheStarterWife: either side
[11:53] Texas Gal: It’s all O’s and Yanks… with a few Dodgers thrown in.
[11:53] Clare: OMG, I’ve wasted an hour on this

[12:02] Texas Gal: “I don’t believe this was a comprehensive report”
[12:02] Texas Gal: Oh really, genius?
[12:02] Texas Gal: What gave you that idea?
[12:08] Andrea: uhh, did I just hear Cossack say that Northern Ireland was EASIER than this?
[12:08] SA: yeah, i heard that
[12:08] Metsy: well, Northern Ireland may have been easier, but Darfur’s a tad more difficult
[12:09] Texas Gal: I don’t know that N.I. should ever be described as “easier” than anything
[12:09] Andrea: asshat
[12:09] Clare: “you’re about as easy as a nuclear war”
/Duran Duran
[12:09] Texas Gal: STEROIDS IS HARD, y’all
[12:10] Metsy: yahoo has “Is MLB doomed” under the story
[12:10] Metsy: please, as if anyone cares all that much
[12:11] TheStarterWife: That is fucked – because Yahoo had “Take their Medicine” earlier


[12:14] TheStarterWife: much like christmas morning … always a lull
[12:14] TheStarterWife: and a let down
[12:14] Texas Gal: so right
[12:14] Clare: yeah. i need a nap now
[12:15] TheStarterWife: and I don’t even have special hot chocolate to drink now
[12:15] Metsy: please, this is like when you’re so hyped to sleep with a guy, and then he comes too quick. Or so I’ve heard…

[12:21] Texas Gal: They’re staking out Clemens and Pettitte’s homes in Houston
[12:21] Texas Gal: hilarious
[12:22] Clare: in order to get the nasty taste of the mitchell report out of people’s mouths, is showing a nice piece about hank aaron’s 715th homer
[12:22] Metsy: it’s like, let’s go back to when MLB’s only problem was death threats to their home run king

[12:24] Clare: toast phone. and that’s how internet memes get born.
[12:25] Andrea: Toast phone and Bacon pants
[12:25] Andrea: we need something that can be “Eggs”
[12:25] Andrea: Egg Purse or something
[12:25] TheStarterWife: I love the toast phone
[12:25] Andrea: Egg Clutch
[12:25] Andrea: Egg Hobo Bag
[12:26] Holly: I’m referring to my ovaries as my Egg Clutch from this day forward.
[NOTE: Approximately two hours passed before the first mention of ovaries. This is some sort of record.]
[12:26] Metsy: Egg Clutch is awesome
[12:26] Andrea: My Egg Clutch is going to have sequins



[12:30] TheStarterWife: I am wondering how long it will be before we see Jose at the Bike again
[12:31] Texas Gal: He admitted to juicing long ago- this shouldn’t affect him at all.
[12:32] TheStarterWife: I heard he got kicked out of the press conference
[12:32] TheStarterWife: from one of my coworkers
[12:32] Andrea: that’s what ESPN reported
[12:32] Andrea: he got blocked at the door
[12:33] Andrea: and then the ESPN cameras chased him
[12:33] Andrea: and the last thing they saw
[12:33] Andrea: was him crossing the street in the snow
[12:33] Andrea: that’s a direct quote
[12:33] Texas Gal: so poetic
[12:33] Andrea: I know, right?
[12:33] TheStarterWife: that is kinda sad
[12:33] Texas Gal: I like how he just shows up – like, it’s a Steroids Event, I must be invited!
[12:33] Clare: [single tear rolls down jose’s cheek]
[12:34] Texas Gal: I see Gagne has now joined the Headline Of Players Who Juiced
[12:34] Texas Gal: Clemens, Pettitte, Bonds, Tejada, Gagne

[12:37] Holly: Anyone gonna stick around for Das Selig?
[12:37] Texas Gal: why not!
[12:59] TheStarterWife: ESPN’s headline is Culture Shock
[12:59] TheStarterWife: OMG SO SHOCKING
[12:59] TheStarterWife: AND THERE IS NOT SANDY CLAWS

[13:16] Texas Gal: Union and their lawyers come on at 6 – that should be the best conference of them all. Those MLBPA lawyers are gonna be PISSED.

[13:22] TheStarterWife: I just heated up my lunch in the kitchen
[13:23] TheStarterWife: and this assisant that works here
[13:23] TheStarterWife: was telling me how he and his friends had a fantasy Mitchell draft this morning


[13:29] Texas Gal: Selig is on
[13:29] Texas Gal: but he’s just introducing people
[13:30] SA: more introductions. that’s…still boring
[13:30] Andrea: does anybody feel like “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch” should be playing?
[13:31] Texas Gal: he even looks like him
[13:31] Texas Gal: just turn up the “green” filter on your TV a touch
[13:31] Andrea: that’s what made me think of it. He needs a little dog named Max with a branch strapped to his head.
[13:31] Texas Gal: Max = Barry Bonds
[13:32] SA: why does Bud dress like he just got out of a thrift store?
[13:32] Holly: And not in a hip way.
[13:33] Clare: how priceless would it be, though, if selig showed up in a threadbare tee and a vintage snap-front cowboy shirt?
[13:33] Texas Gal: I think he’s wearing shoulder pads
[13:33] Texas Gal: like, Dynasty, Alexis Carrington-sized ones
[13:33] Holly: oooh, three step plan!
[13:33] Andrea: maybe he’ll get in a catfight with someone and fall into a pool
[13:34] Clare: oh really? you’ll “deal with them”? ooh, they’re scared.
[13:34] TheStarterWife: does he have a cold?
[13:34] TheStarterWife: he keeps sniffing
[13:34] TheStarterWife: or are those tears?
[13:34] Holly: COKE!
[13:34] Texas Gal: here we go
[13:34] Texas Gal: MLB is responsible for the decline in steroid use among kids
[13:34] Holly: I’M THE DECIDER
[13:35] TheStarterWife: the present plan is effective?
[13:35] Texas Gal: I’m calling bullshit on the HGH stuff – they’ll fake concern for 6 months, until everyone forgets… and then they’ll go back to indifference
[13:36] Clare: ooh, a summit! that’ll show ’em! [eyeroll]
[13:36] Holly: He just said “Youngsters”.
[13:36] Texas Gal: bolt the doors, they’re holding a SUMMIT
[13:37] SA: what is this, 1952? who says youngsters anymore?
[13:37] TheStarterWife: I would like to thank the little people who got me here
[13:37] TheStarterWife: the stylists
[13:37] TheStarterWife: the drivers
[13:37] TheStarterWife: and local 33
[13:37] Texas Gal: close your mouth, Selig – you look like a bass
[13:38] Clare: in the name of integrity, the father, the son, and the holy spirit, amen.
[13:38] TheStarterWife: Do it for the fans… they deserve it
[13:38] TheStarterWife: Lower ticket prices?
[13:38] Texas Gal: “you said you would investigate every name” — no, what I’ve said was I would REVIEW the report
[13:38] Texas Gal: nice backpedaling, Selig
[13:38] TheStarterWife: “will not rest’ line made me think of batman
[13:38] Andrea: why does he keep bending down?
[13:38] Andrea: is there a little person under the podium tickling him?
[13:39] Texas Gal: little person injecting him with steroids?
[13:39] Texas Gal: he needs one of those old-timey ear megaphone thingies
[13:39] Clare: SELIG SMAAAAASH
[13:42] TheStarterWife: the big cone to his ear
[13:42] Texas Gal: Hah – asking about the players who just signed multimillion contracts in the last few weeks, and now are revealed to be cheaters
[13:43] Texas Gal: HE HASN’T READ THE REPORT
[13:43] Texas Gal: What was the point of letting him have access to it three days ago, then?
[13:44] Clare: are you fucking kidding? i printed this thing out to take home and read with a cup of hot chocolate, bud!
[13:44] TheStarterWife: THAT was an amazing reveal
[13:46] TheStarterWife: hahahah
[13:46] TheStarterWife: “Barry Bonds Situation”
[13:46] TheStarterWife: “situation”
[13:47] TheStarterWife: is that like being pregnant?
[13:47] TheStarterWife: “Considering her situation… ”
[13:47] Texas Gal: Will they send Barry away to a convent for 9 months?
[13:47] TheStarterWife: and suddenly he has a “little’ brother?
[13:48] Clare: oh this is priceless. “i wished more guys had come forward” (paraphrased)? UM THE MLBPA TOLD THEM NOT TO SAY ANYTHING FUCKTARD
[13:49] Holly: unfunniest great uncle EVAR
[13:49] Texas Gal: the MLBPA was absolutely right – no one should have cooperated with this sham of a witch hunt
[13:49] Texas Gal: it’s ridiculous
[13:49] Texas Gal: /soap box
[13:50] Andrea: there are some things in life you have to do b/c it’s the right thing to do. For instance, fix Northern Ireland, Darfur and steroid use.
[13:50] Clare: bud’s chin is quivering like he’s going to cry
[13:50] Texas Gal: I didn’t say they shouldn’t clean up baseball – I said the Mitchell investigation is horseshit. Incomplete, inaccurate, hearsay-filled nonsense with no teeth.
[13:50] Texas Gal: I believe the roiders should be outed- this was the worst possible way to go about it
[13:51] Clare: then how would you suggest they do that, mel?
[13:51] Texas Gal: If I knew that, I’d be on the MLB’s payroll
[13:51] Holly: TEXY FOR COMMISH!
[13:52] Texas Gal: If I was commissioner, I would never have let the AllStar game end in a tie


[13:53] Texas Gal: Selig and the other MLB execs do not give a shit about finding out about who did steroids. That’s the whole problem.
[13:53] Texas Gal: They’re faking like they do.
[13:54] Texas Gal: I’m glad most of the dead guys (read: Darryl Kile) weren’t named.
[13:54] Clare: sure they wouldn’t be on there…you can’t libel a dead guy.
[13:55] Texas Gal: Trying to libel dead guys is my favorite thing to do
[13:55] Texas Gal: If I can’t libel them, I at least try to slander them
[13:55] Texas Gal: I never, ever, ever want to hear Selig say “thrust” again

[14:10] Texas Gal: What are your holiday plans, Andie?
[14:11] Andrea: just going home
[14:11] Andrea: seeing friends and family, birthing 6 puppies in 2 weeks
[14:11] TheStarterWife: birthing puppies?
[14:11] Andrea: well, not ME
[14:11] TheStarterWife: Do you have a Bonds situation?
[14:11] TheStarterWife: tell me know
[14:12] Texas Gal: that’s what I’m calling it from now on

[14:12] Texas Gal: “tin roof rusted” is so 1989
[14:12] Andrea: is THAT what that means?
[14:12] TheStarterWife: FUCK now that is going to be in my head
[14:12] TheStarterWife: baby love shack
[14:12] TheStarterWife: dammit


[14:13] Andrea: this was fun! bye ladies
[14:14] TheStarterWife: study hard
[14:14] Texas Gal: bye and have fun studying
[14:14] TheStarterWife: don’t worry about your bonds situation
[14:14] TheStarterWife: we will not tell
[14:14] Andrea: thanks for your discretion

The holidays are just around the corner…order your 2008 Men of the Mitchell Report calendars today!

21 thoughts on “The Men of the Mitchell Report

  1. Wow. This was amazing. I have never been sorrier that I scheduled a 2:00 appointment for a flu shot.

    Also, I love that the default picture of Gagne is one that signifies “turkey”.

    Finally, I always swore that Clemens was on steroids and all of those “I’m just waiting half the season to decide whether I’m coming out of retirement” years were actually suspensions for ‘roids that were kept quiet.

  2. Ha. That’s excellent. love the wrapping in the flag bit for Clemens. I miss Lenny Dykstra and the entire bad boy 96 Mets. They were a spirited group. That said, the roid think makes everything from that year make more sense.

  3. I always swore that Clemens was on steroids and all of those “I’m just waiting half the season to decide whether I’m coming out of retirement” years were actually suspensions for ‘roids that were kept quiet.

    Me too! I thought the exact same thing!

    And I always thought Brian Roberts was juicing too. I don’t know why. He doesn’t totally look like it.

    I’m surprised Luis Gonzalez wasn’t mentioned. I guess he paid for his ‘roids in cash. Smart move.

  4. OK, I’ve read through all of these comments. (You each have a very good sense of humor that comes through BTW) :)

    But I’m still not sure if you think baseball has a problem. And if you do I’m not sure what you’d have them do. On a post mentioning Barry Bonds I got ecrucified for implying the man was juicing… something I felt was obvious to anyone who’s been around those who use them.

    So what’s the verdict? Is it something you care about or just a distraction?


  5. But I’m still not sure if you think baseball has a problem.

    Good. There are enough sites out there wringing their hands over that. Did you see the calendar pictures and still think you were getting a serious post?

  6. It does not matter. I was just curious.

    The prospect of athletes and their lawyers parading in front of the cameras to convey their shock, SHOCK!, at being implicated is sure to bring more comic relief.


  7. I’m glad I didn’t read the report or watch the coverage. In fact, I so enjoyed this, that henceforth, I would like the Ladies… to liveblog all major news stories, sports and otherwise, for me.
    You really should have your own channel. It would make this much easier.

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  9. This was high comedy, and I’m glad I took the time to read it all. I had told another friend to live-blog the event, but this was even better. Great job, ladies!

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  11. I think you should also put together one of those “quote of the day” desk calendars, which you could accomplish my merely pulling out everything said by every player and his attorney in the next few months.

    My vote for the 4th of July page: “McNamee injected Clemens in the buttocks four to six times”

  12. Sweet commentary, you girls straight up no your shiat! Too bad Mitchell sold out to his corporate masters and absolved the owners. I think the players should unite and form their own league. They could have new mascots like HGH-zillas, Pill-Junky, or Shoot-me-in-the-ass-Conseco!

    Huckabee ’08

  13. The toast phone is GENIUS. I think that could be my favorite part.

    Big kudos to Holly for the hard work on the calendar- I expect Barnes & Noble to call to place a big order soon.

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