Independence Bowl Poetry Slam: A lot of tongue and no cheek.

I jumped to cover the Independence Bowl based on the wide margin of hate available. Nowhere else in the 2007 postseason is a team that’s been such a large part of my life (Colorado and the MAJESTIC BUFFALO) facing a team I so loathe (Alabama, and the presence of Saban in Tuscaloosa is only exacerbating things). The prospect of a lovely pink soapbox from which to broadcast my everlasting disdain for the Crimson Tide was a delicious one. I had planned to award these guys some sort of medal.

And then I read Spencer Hall’s Sporting News column on the matchup. And he took (seriously, seriously mild) shots at Shreveport. And the people of this fine metropolis rose up, pitchforks in hand, to write their Congressperson ululate about it on the internet, which fixes everything, and that’s about where the trouble started. As one commenter put it,

The Independence bowl was only singled out because if you say POULAN WEEDEATER BOWL out loud, it’s kinda funny. What is certain, though, is that people in Shreveport are passionately proud of their city and their culture, and they are just a bit touchy. A bit. Touchy….

As an added bonus, several clever trolls figured out how to make LARGE!RED!LETTERS! in their comment boxes. It was positively FanHousian. And it was time to bring back the Poetry Slam.

Standard disclaimer: I swear, I did not make any of these up. Original spelling, grammar, and punctuation have been preserved. All [sic]s implied.

Alamo Bowl: There’s No Crying In Football

Your designated Big 10 representative for the evening (Lady Andrea) and the only Big XII representative around these parts (me) were both tasked with a difficult job: watch the Alamo Bowl. Doesn’t sound hard- except that every single other person in the country was watching the Patriots take on the Giants. But Lady A’s allegiance to the Big 10 and my hatred of the Aggies is so strong that we persevered.

Since I’m 99% sure no one else watched the Alamo Bowl- here’s our play-by-play of the important action. You will notice we did not make one single “Remember the Alamo!” pun.

My country ’tis of thee, sweet land of Liberty (Bowl)

Of 10-3 I sing.

Nuthin’ But Nuts – The Emerald Bowl: Oregon State 21 Maryland 14

Sometimes you watch college football and think, “Gee willikers! This is so exciting! Balls are just a’flying every which way! Anything can happen!”

Sometimes you watch college football and think, “Jesus fucking christ,  it is the opening kickoff and they cannot catch the ball.  MORE. GIN. NOW.”

Champs Sports The Musical: Once More, With Feeling!

Michigan State and Boston College both tried their damnedest to lose this game. 7 turnovers in all, 5 by Michigan State. And yet, at the end, the Spartans had a real shot to win it. They kind of pissed it down their legs, though, with “tricky” plays like the QB running backwards for 12 yards on a 4th and inches instead of handing the ball to the damn fullback and punching it through. Big Ten Bowl record: 1-1. Sigh.

In part 2 of what is sure to become a regular series here at Ladies where I ogle barely-legal football players (seriously, these fellas are born in ’87 and ’88), I’d like to share with you the festivities from the Champs Sports Bowl Kickoff Luncheon. Following the Quiche Course, Spartan freshman linebacker Jon Misch played the piano. I don’t recognize the piece; I’m assuming it was written by some gentleman who wore a powdered wig at one time or another.

Wow…is it hot in here?

Texas Bowl: TCU vs. Houston

This is the logo for the Texas Christian University Horned Frogs. You do not need to see the bowl logo, or to know anything else about tonight’s matchup (because it’s at 8:00 on a Friday night on the NFL Network; you won’t even see the damned thing), apart from the following:

Horns’ Happy Hottie Holiday

Why, hello, Colt McCoy. Aren’t you looking all fine with that Offensive MVP trophy and those awesome Texas guns? I’m so glad to see you show up in San Diego at the Holiday Bowl without bringing along those friends of yours Mr. Int and Mr. Erception — you know, the ones that have been hanging around you all season. (Although I did notice that you couldn’t get rid of the other member of the Suck Trio, Mr. Fumble – but considering the scoreboard, I’ll forgive you.) You’re like our own Matt Saracen, all grown up – wide-eyed and full of small-town boyish charm. I am required by Texan law to lavish schmoopy praise on our QB- especially when his name is Colt McCoy, as clearly he was destined to lead us to victory with a name like that. (See? There I go again!)

Heck, now that I think of it, just about every member of the Longhorns team that stepped on the field last night looked pretty darned hot– winning will do that for you. Why don’t you all take a step forward so we can appreciate your hotness. NOT SO FAST, CHRIS JESSIE.

I’m pretty sure that you should never, ever, EVER step foot on the field of play again, unless you are specifically instructed to do so by a member of the coaching staff who is not your stepfather. I’m also pretty sure we need to outfit you with one of those child leash things, so that the coaches can yank you backwards like Phillip the Hyper Hypo if you try to run up and grab a live ball again.

Now that we’ve covered that unpleasantness, we can move on to all the pictures of hotties, after the jump…

Revin’ My Motor At the Motor City Bowl

So, I’m suddenly very familiar with Dan LeFevour. Hello you. I’m sorry your second-half surge fell short and you lost to Purdue on a last-second field goal. But you still threw for almost 300 yards and had 4 touchdowns. And you’re hot. Here’s my tribute to Mr. LeFevour. Because I’ve got a fever and the only prescription is…more LeFevour.

The New Mexico Bowl, featuring…New Mexico.

I feel like the delivery boy in Big Daddy, except instead of screaming, “He get all da easy ones!” I’m screaming, “They get all da exciting ones!”  Seriously.  So far we’ve had a great Utah/Navy that came right down to the wire and last night BYU tips a game-winning field goal to hold on against UCLA.  Very exciting stuff.  The New Mexico Bowl?  Not so much.

Why do they put the logo over the skyline of Albuquerque?
That is so ugly!

Las Vegas Bowl: Battle of the Intangibles

Few things give a sports blogger greater pleasure than a team roster that lists personal tidbits on players.    Join us after the jump for a bowl prediction based entirely on bio supremacy.  UCLA versus Brigham Young.  Tonight, 8 PM, ESPN.

Papajohns.com Bowl: The pizza I ordered from Papa John’s was better

 

It’s kinda hard to recap a game you didn’t see.  You see, it all started when I lent my car to my teenage nephew.  He ran into another car, resulting in a minor fender bender.  None of this happened today, but I finally had a chance today to go out and get an estimate, and that errand snowballed into another, and I’m finally getting back home, and I just checked to see that the Cincinnati Bearcats mauled the Southern Mississippi, um, something or other (what are they? Ah, they’re the Golden Eagles).  Well, they didn’t really maul them, they won 31-21, but don’t Bearcats maul thing?  What does a Bearcat look like? 

Football Players Can Write. Who Knew?

Denver Broncos Kicker Jason Elam…has written a spy thriller novel. It was released last week and is titled: “Monday Night Jihad.” See, like Monday Night Football only…Jihad. I’m kind of hoping that when you open it, a stirring theme composed by John Williams starts playing. Maybe the audio book will be read by Tony Kornheiser.

San Diego County Credit Union (at least it’s not .com) Poinsettia Bowl

Navy’s tricky triple option work was no match for the solid play of Utah tonight. The Midshipmen fell to Utah 35-32 in the inaugural bowl of 2007-08. The first half wasn’t much to look at (I honestly chose to watch this game solely because of the potential for Holtz on-air dementia fun), but aside from this being the beginning of the end of life-giving games to sustain us through the winter (and spring…and summer….*gulp*), it’s not a good time to turn your back to the screen. I spent most the fourth quarter packing for Christmas break and missed four touchdowns.

A good six minutes of the halftime show was devoted to an “eye on the street” feature that they kept cutting back to, asking random middies to pronounce the name of their new head coach, Ken Niumatalolo. Results were predictably disacouraging, but seriously, gentlemen: Say Navy QB Kaipo-Noa Kaheaku-Enhada’s name correctly twice in a row before you commence to too much snickering.

Wire photos of gridiron boys in mildly compromising clinches, after the jump. Welcome to the postseason, ducklings.

Programming Note: Bowlin’!

It is with pride and trepidation that we announce our bowl season coverage:

Every one.  

Yes.  We’re covering them all.  What could go wrong?

From the Poinsettia this afternoon to the mythical title game in January, we’ll be bringing you a preview or wrap-up of every single Division I-A postseason match.   Stay tuned!

‘Tis the Season

Here, dear readers, is our gift to you…suitable for framing, using as wrapping paper, or just licking until your tongue dries out. Click here for a big ‘un.

God bless ’em, every one.

Hump Day Hottie Hit and Run: Pro Bowl Edition

There are a number of different ways I could go with today’s Hit and Run. I could talk about Danny Haren’s “Hi, I’m a D-back now” press conference,

or The Great One’s Phoenix Coyotes clowning my Flyers, or Shaun White being cited for setting off a fire extinguisher in a hotel while he was drunk (and really, who among us hasn’t done that?) or The Rocket vehmently denying the claims in the Mitchell report that he used The Steroids, but since the 2008 Pro Bowl rosters were announced yesterday, let’s take an in-depth look at the hotties who’ll be getting a free trip to Hawaii this February.

Stand By Your Man Fantasy QB Results: Week 15 – Dreamboats are out!

Like every other fantasy league, the two top quarterbacks picked a hell of a time to shit the bed and ruin the the playoff runs for their hotshot owners. (Please let this happen in the real playoffs, please let this happen in the real playoffs, please let this happen in the real play offs.)

Favre squeaking by Manning leaves him as the highest remaining seed in the post-season and faces a tough match up in Week 16 as he plays a demoralized Bear team while Kitna looks to walk over the league’s doormat in KC. Brees will not get by so easily this week as he plays Philly while Rivers continues to drive for the playoffs against Denver.

NCAA Soccer: Wake Forest > Everyone

If you listen closely (or you’re so drunk you can no longer feel your palms), it does sound kind of like Freddy Mercury’s singing “Deeeeeacs are the champions, my friends!”. Or at least it did to me for a couple of hours yesterday after watching Wake Forest’s insanely hot men’s soccer team win their first national title with a 2-1 victory over Ohio State.

Junior Marcus Tracy and sophomore Zach Schilawski each scored for the Deacs in the second half, with Schilawski netting both the game winner and a 40 point Scrabble score.

Jump with me, readers, for more about the game, more Wake Forest trivia sure to impress…um…other Wake Forest graduates, and for some delicious pics of men who aren’t allowed to use their hands.

Leaked: LoDuca Pictures from the Mitchell Report

My phone is toast!

My source (remember him?) just gave me some new photographic evidence of Paul LoDuca’s steroid use. They’re right after the jump.

Santa Baby, Hurry Down The Chimney Tonight

Just over a week left before Christmas and you’re still not sure what to get the sporty woman in your life?

Tired of at least four “diamonds for the journey” during every commercial break? Does your brain shut off the second you walk into the local mall? Does your wife grit her teeth every time she remembers the year you bought her a boom box for Christmas, which was returned on December 26th at 9 am?

We here at Ladies know how hard it can be to pick out the perfect gift, so we’ve made ours lists and checked them twice, and figured out which presents are naughty or nice for the female fans in your life.

AND IF THERE IS REALLY IS A SANTA CLAUS THAN HE CAN MAKE SOME OF OUR WISHES COME TRUE!

Jimmy Baseball is Moving On

The longest-tenured Cardinal is not a Cardinal anymore. Jim Edmonds has been dealt to San Diego for an infield prospect named David Freese. When I read the story at the Cardinals website, I actually teared up a little. I love that old guy. Yeah, I know he’s 37. And yeah, I know his jump on the ball isn’t what it once was. And yeah, we have an outfield corp of Chris Duncan, Rick Ankiel, Ryan Ludwick, Skip Schumaker, and Rule 5 Draft selection Brian Barton, plus minor league center fielder Colby Rasmus (one of the most sought-after players at the winter meetings, reportedly). But I’m still sad! Edmonds was part of the heart! The heart of the Cardinals for a long time has been Pujols, Edmonds and Rolen. Those 3, along with Larry Walker, were our 2004 Murderer’s Row!

Friday Football Foodie – Christmas Lites: Low-fat veggie dips, lite mixers, and seasoned popcorn review

You know how way back in the beginning of the Friday Foodies I said –

“It is the one time of the week you don’t have to worry about calories, fat, and never have to say, “Oh, no. I cannot possibly eat another bite, I’m full. And can I have a water, please? Beer makes bloated.” It is in fact, a perfect day

And I meant it. I really, really, really meant it.

Except for around the Holidays. If your office is anything like my office, you have not had to worry about breakfast, lunch, or your 4pm snack due to the massive amounts of cakes, cookies, and candy that show up in the kitchen each day. Rarely do I crave sweets, but put free mini-muffins by the coffee maker? I’ll stab an assistant who thinks they are going to get the last lemon poppy seed muffin before me with their own letter opener.

Put that together with a few parties each week – anything from your friends tree decorating gathering complete with egg nog to the work parties that by 2am you’re splitting the last bottle of Patron with the blonde in from Annex while gobbling up the last of the Coconut Shrimp – and you’re looking at packing on 5-8 pounds before Nate Washington has dropped his first ball of the game.

New Year’s Eve is only sixteen days away, so eat healthy this Sunday. Give your stomach and your skinny jeans a fighting chance.

This Week: Veggie Dip, Creamy Roasted Red Pepper Dip, Lite Drink Mixers, and Popcorn Seasons

You will need for the Veggie Dip:

The Men of the Mitchell Report

Ladies…is proud to introduce the one and only 2008 Men of the Mitchell Report Calendar: All ‘roids, all year ’round. This morning, we invite you to join us for exclusive previews along with excerpts from our liveblog of yesterday’s circus.

Roll call! What are we drinking, Ladies?

[10:27] Andrea: yeah, I gotta get my wine. I have some X Y Zin, heh heh
[10:28] TheStarterWife: I have some coffee
[10:28] TheStarterWife: but am eying the booze in the bar
[10:28] Texas Gal: I’m drinking Abita Christmas Ale
[10:28] TheStarterWife: or the beer in my fridge
[10:28] Holly: I have…water and Emergen-C. Sigh.
[10:28] Texas Gal: Louisiana swamp water beer = yum

Without further ado…I give you…Mr. January. U-S-A!!

“Oh, god, I made eye contact.”

BILL MARTIN: Congratulations on the conference championship, Les.

LES MILES: Bill, Michigan and I broke up thirteen years ago.

BILL MARTIN: It doesn’t mean we can’t go out.

LES MILES: Well, it does, actually. That’s what “I’m not a candidate for that job and I will not be a candidate for the job” is.

Hit n Run: Good MLB News Before the Storm Breaks

Cy Young Hottie Jake Peavy has just inked the biggest deal in San Diego Padres history. According to the article, here is the payment schedule: Peavy will make $6.5 million in 2008 and $11 million in 2009. The new money kicks in in 2010, when he’ll make $15 million. He’ll earn $16 million in 2011 and $17 million in 2012. The club holds a $22 million option for 2013, or a $4 million buyout. If he remains with the Padres through 2013, he’ll make $87.5 million. [Holy Crap, That is a Lot of Money]

The five stages of Bacon Pants grief

The Ladies… count two Phillies homers among their ranks, so Texas Gal and I were hoping that our meaty, darling, grinder Aaron “Bacon Pants” Rowand would resign with the Phillies. His face-smashing entusiasm and team-first attitude were part of what made the Phillies so much fun to watch this season. Also, he wears his uniform pants really tight. We liked that.

2007 was a banner year for Bacon Pants, and with the cheapskates in the Phillies front office shying away from long-term contracts, Bacon Pants signed today with the San Francisco Giants. He’ll patrol the outfield for the next five years, taking home a cool $12 million per year.

The fans of the San Francisco Giants have to be happy — there’s somebody fun to watch out in the outfield again.

I, however, am taking this news a little harder. I am — if you will — a sad panda.

Dear Hockey – It’s not you, it’s me.

Dear Hockey,

It’s not you, it’s me.

No really, don’t be upset. I know that look. Yes, that look. The puppy dog eyes look.

Hump Day Hottie: Mr. Heisman

Picking the hottest Heisman finalist from the field of official photos this year was an easy task- the hottie favorite Colt Brennan disqualifies himself by sporting a wicked bad haircut (and looking like that doofy receptionist guy from Private Practice), Chase Daniel manages to look like an unemployed hobo and/or psycho shop teacher, and Tim Tebow could be a member of the Geek Squad from your local Best Buy. Darren McFadden reigns supreme and wins the official photo battle in a walk.

But Tim Tebow emerged victorious from the Downtown Athletic Club on Saturday, claiming the actual Heisman hardware – which, oddly enough, was not awarded based on how hot he looked in his official press photo. So I’m calling uncle, Mr. Tebow. You won the Heisman fair and square (and were the first underclassman to ever win the award), and so I’m finally giving you your very own HDH post. Even though you play for the hated Florida Gators, I must grudgingly acknowledge that you’ve got gorgeous baby blues and a body that just won’t quit. And when you add in the Heisman hardware (whether I thought you deserved it or not), that’s one mighty appealing package. I might even be able to overlook the Florida colors- as long as you promise not to do that stupid Gator chomp thing with your arms.

Just please, please quit taking hair styling tips from Urban Meyer, OK? Less gel and spikes, more natural tousle.

Lots more Heisman-y goodness after the jump…

Stand By Your Man Fantasy QB Results: Week 14 – The Playoffs Are Set!

It feels like just yesterday that we held our Fantasy Quarterback Draft, but here we are after Week 14 facing the playoffs. Interestingly enough, half of the top eight draft picks spent most of the season on the bench. (More on the ratio of hotness-to-stats-to-wins once the season ends. Hopefully by then I’ll be able to figure out how to properly weigh the strength of draft selections in the formula without using a dartboard.)

But first, the results of Week 14.

Hit & Run: I think the Falcons were a teensy bit distracted, no?

The New Orleans Saints walloped the Atlanta Falcons, 34-14, in the Monday night game. I, of course, didn’t watch the game because (wait for it) I went to Walmart to look for a toy. Also, I was a bit bored. Sometimes, when I’m bored, I head to Walmart to see what sticks. I really prefer Target but eh, Walmart’s okay in a pinch. Yesterday, I picked up some tapioca pudding, some PlayDoh, a few pairs of trouser socks, a package of gel pens, a pair of Tinkerbell slippers (for Baby Mets) and a loaf of bread. I love being able to pick up all kinds of crap in one place. But I did not find the toy I was looking for. That damn Little Tikes Sing Along CD player is sold out everywhere.

Anyways, Drew Brees passed for 300+ yards and 3 TDs in an impressive performance. I forget which of the Ladies… has Drew, but those are some pretty numbers right there.