The quarterback. The team leader. The play maker. The American symbol of all that is intelligent, strong, and virile. And as such, the quarterback is the ultimate fantasy position for the Ladies.
We thought we’d mix up the usual fantasy football draft this year and select just the hottest quarterbacks in the league. QB’s we can cheer for all season, not based on what they do for our team stats, but what they do to stir our passions both on and off the field.
Oh sure, we will have the rest of the team to think about too, but we are only really concerned with our football boyfriends. Our boys will play head-to-head in a two-division league, 14 week season with a three week playoff. Each Lady will select her main squeeze and the man she keeps on the side.
Serpentine draft order: Texas Gal, TheStarterWife, Andrea, Clare, Metschick, Holly, GordonShumway, and SA.
Texas Gal – On the clock –
Texas Gal – Of course I pick THE MAN, THE LEGEND THE GOD… Vince Young. Lucky for me he is hot as well as being master of the universe.
TheStarterWife – What about the Madden curse? Does that cancel out the hot?
Andrea – Madden, schmadden! Pick pick pick pick pick…..
Texas Gal – Vince busted the SI curse… multiple times. He laughs at your silly Madden curse.
TheStarterWife – By the way, Texy has opened the door for blatant homerism, so I am rethinking my pick.
EDITOR’S NOTE – The next email apparently was only sent in my mind as I cannot find it, but in response to a threadjack from Clare about baseball, I picked Ben Roethlisberger.
TheStarterWife – Andies up.
Andrea – Here’s some trash talk: how am I up? Did you pick Humpty Dumpty Roethlisberger?
TheStarterWife – Texy did a homer pick, which allowed me to. I was going with someone hotter, but really, who’s hotter than the man who has already taken you all the way to the end? If you know your QB can get the job done, you stick with him.
Holly – Wait, so what do the Steelers do, then?
Andrea – That’s a yes then? Sweet.
Alright, here I go. I really, really wanted to pick Peyton Manning b/c I’ve always thought he was really cute and the SNL thing really sealed the deal. Plus, I enjoy the Colts b/c they’ve got my boys Dallas and Bob. HOWEVER: I remembered how upset I was when, in a CFB team draft, the guy right before me picked Iowa. So, Manning shall remain untouched and I’m taking my hottie from The Lou, Marc Bulger. Clare-bear, Infamous Chutley Plunker Blogger, is on the clock..
Holly – *re-sheathes concealed stabbing implements….for now*
Andrea – I-I-I’m not a-skerred of ya.
Holly – *whistles, unconcerned*
GordonShumway – ARRRGH! Bulger was going to be mine! He’s a WVU Mountaineer…we’re practically related.
Andrea – Sorry J-money. But I like the Rams and I LURVE Marc Bulger.
Clare – Even though Donovan McNabb is still up for grabs, I’m going to have to take Rex Grossman. The period of time since I last Did It is a lot longer than the last time Donovan Did It, and I know the Sex Cannon is a sure thing. (“It” in Donovan’s case means “played football.”)
Plus, he looked so cute in that suit with the sweater vest underneath.
TheStarterWife – DO NOT BELIEVE THE HYPE. THE “REX CANNON” is neither Sexy or Rexy.
Clare – Oh, me and the Sex Cannon are on, TSW. Like Donkey Kong.
Holly – Hey, some people dig troglodytes.
Clare – I TOLD YOU, I’M IN A DRY SPELL. I HAVE NEEDS, PEOPLE. God, you bitches are mean sometimes.
Andrea – That purple sweatervest is HIDEOUS. BLECH.
Holly – And your needs couldn’t be addressed by, say, Carson Palmer? You’re dry, not blind, right?
TheStarterWife – See, I think the purple sweatervest is the best he’s looked. It’s like he was trying to be a PL Footballer hot.
Clare – HA! I knew it. And now that the sex talk has commenced, it’s time for me to get a drink.
TheStarterWife – You take Carson Palmer and then you’re stuck with his delinquent teammates hanging around drinking all your booze and trying to sleep with the babysitters.
Clare – That’s exactly what I thought. He looked kind of dashing and Euro. Plus, I’ve seen a photo of Chase Utley with those same sunglasses on and I could pretend I’d be doin’ it with him instead.
Holly – Is it too early to take any of Detroit’s boys for the sole purpose of using the phrase “fuck lion”?
TheStarterWife – I KNEW IT! I ALMOST SAID, “I wonder how Clare is going to manage to draft a baseball player instead.”
Clare – Guilty as charged :)
Andrea – Calvin Johnson can be my fuck lion. He’s hot. There are better looking and more talented QBs available, Clare. It’s like I don’t even know you! : )
TheStarterWife – So do we get fuck lionesses?
Clare – To go back to Carson Palmer, ew, no! His Bengal friends are a bunch of thugs, and he’s losing his hair. I think we ARE the fuck lionesses.
TheStarterWife – First Lady to make Kenny Mayne joke is going to get a beat down.
Holly – Not in a sex thread, not even as a joke, ever. Not even me.
Andrea – I move that we hereby change our blog to www.fucklionesses.com
TheStarterWife – Only if our men wear pith helmets.
Clare – Hey, at least I called us Fuck Lionesses and not just straight up Cougars. A fuck lioness chooses who she’ll bang; a cougar bangs indiscriminately.
Andrea – Well, also Fuck Lioness doesn’t necessarily imply age. I mean, if SA is a cougar…..she’s probably also a felon. : )
Holly – Also, SA at least is too young to be a cougar. (Lucky.)
TheStarterWife – I’m the oldest and I am still a good 10 years from being cougar age. We’re safe. Since we have time to kill, anyone want to lay money on who Metschick picks?
Holly – Mr. Met.
TheStarterWife – I bet Philip Rivers. Don’t ask why, but I do.
Clare – I got $5 on Leinart. Just a feeling.
Andrea – Gotta be Eli Manning, right?
Metschick – Hells no. I have no use for that waste of space. Chad Pennington is at least cuter, but again – another waste of space with an arm held together with gum & rubber bands.
I was going to pick The Dreamboat, but then I realized that just having him on my fantasy roster might impregnate me (my fertility+ his virility = Brady on Board), so with the 5th pick in the Ladies… Fantasy Draft I select: Philip Rivers.
Mostly for this look:
Metschick – I couldn’t pick Leinart for the same reason I didn’t pick The Dreamboat. (And yes, I realize that Rivers has 3 daughters, but he’s also married – and all I crave for right now is a little domesticity.)
TheStarterWife – Dammit I just realized we’re at Holly and no one screwed her on her pick.
Holly – Spoken like yesterday’s news. Peyton “Jesus Football Christ” Manning. A big grownup goofy kid who can throw a football a godzillion yards? Sign my ass up.*
*My love for Peyton is, as documented elsewhere, largely cerebral, not physical, but that’s just how I roll–smart = HOT.
Metschick – We play nice with Stabby, er, Holly.
Andrea – I really, really wanted to. I like Peyton. But I am a nice girl.
Holly – *beatific smile*
TheStarterWife – How do you feel about your brother in law?
Holly – Well, Archie and Olivia couldn’t expect the same luck twice, now, could they?
TheStarterWife – Which is why it is such a shame the hot one cannot play football anymore…
GordonShumway – Is it my turn? I want Drew Brees.
Just in general. But also as my QB. I dig the older men and he’s got me by 6 months. Plus, he was a video Jeopardy question once and let’s face it, I’d really like to ride him hard enough to unscramble HBO.
TheStarterWife – DAMMIT. (I was hoping everyone forget about him and he could be my back up.) His final year at SD he was fantasy gold for me.
Andrea – He was the one I was debating between with Bulger. We’re running off with our Wrestling Buddies, Bulger and Brees, J-money.
SA – Like my first pick is any surprise. And yes, I would let him get me pregnant. We could raise a family of future Michigan QB’s. The Dreamboat-Tom Brady.
SA – OK, y’all gotta give me a minute for the second pick. I was hoping Brees wasn’t taken yet.
TheStarterWife – Take your time. I was just thinking how well this worked out for you. This has to be one of the first drafts in history where Brady goes 8th.
Metschick – Only cause we’re the realest bitches alive.
SA – I want my future son to be able to say that about me. I think that would be a proud moment to be called da realest bitch alive.
Ok, next pick. Matt Hasselbeck. He’s such a cutie. And I have a thing for bald guys.
GordonShumway – My #2? Jake Delhomme.
He’s not THAT hot, and he’s not THAT bright, but due to his endorsements he probably gets free Bojangles and Time Warner Cable for life. For that alone, I’d let him put greasy fingerprints all over me.
Also, he’s not the most mobile of QBs, so I like to think he wouldn’t be able to resist my advances. Or grab the last biscuit.
Andrea – Oooooh, I think Delhomme is cute. Daylight Come and Me Wanna Go Home, indeed.
GordonShumway – Yes, Jake is cute, but in that “please don’t ask me hard questions about global warming or carbon footprints or what sound a cow makes” kind of way.
Andrea – He doesn’t have to be smart, he just has to be pretty.
Holly – David Carr. Love is patient, love is kind, love means HAVING A GODDAMNED O-LINE.
TheStarterWife – GODDAMIT.
Holly – *preen*
Metschick – Alright, my #2 is… something of a homer pick. My boyfriend is a Niners fan (don’t ask), so I’ll go with Alex Smith.
Metschick – I know this is gonna come back to bite me in the ass…
Holly – much like Smith himself… notthatthere’sanythingwrongwiththat.
TheStarterWife – The good news is that he is hella hot. The bad news is that he is a Niner. [redacted] is getting me drunk tonight. Sorry.
Metschick – That’s always a good thing… (getting drunk)
Clare – Since I’m on the clock, for my second pick, I choose Jon Kitna. Yeah, I know you’re all jealous because I got my very own fuck Lion.
TheStarterWife – Shit. Clare’s got the fuck Lion. Shit.
Andrea – WOO! Tony Romo is MINE!
Holly – Watch it with the lube.
Andrea – I dont’ mind if he’s slippery.
Holly – But he might have difficulties if you are.
TheStarterWife – WAIT???? AM I DRUNK ENOUGH TO SEE THAT ANDIE JUST TOOK TONY ROMO? ANDIE?!?!? Really. Is it the Carrie Underwood thing. I know you love that song… but really??
Andrea – And what is wrong with Tony Romo? He’s better looking than Roethlisberger……
Holly – He won’t hang onto her for long, if it makes you feel any better
(SEE WHAT I DID THERE?)
(this one time, he dropped a football.)
Andrea – What is with the attacking???? Also….what song?
TheStarterWife – I thought I saw you talk about liking Carrie Underwood.
Clare – Andrea = Romosexual
Holly – Oh, I thought TSW meant she wanted Tony Romo for herself.
TheStarterWife – IN A MILLION YEARS NO. Sorry, drunk. Blame [redacted].
Andrea – No, I do like Carrie Underwood. I was just wondering what song you were talking about. Did you want him for yourself or are you that disgusted? I cannot tell now.
TheStarterWife – <WAVES ARMS WILDLY> i AM DISGUSTED ANYONE WOULD TAKE ROMO.
Andrea – I maintain: he’s better looking than some of the other pics. And a solid back up.
Holly – *pets TSW* sshhhhhhh. nappytime!
Metschick – Are we gonna have to tickle fight this one out?!
TheStarterWife – Shhhhh. No. i BLAME [redacted] FOR GETTING ME DRUNK. Seriously, the Cowboys could have gone to the play offs for the first time since 1996 and he blew it.
Andrea – Well, sorry for being a big freak. I don’t care about the Cowboys. I think Romo’s cute.
TheStarterWife – Well no one cares about the Cowboys. Romo is their only good quality.
Holly – Stand your ground, A. I get a feeling this is not the last trash talking thread we’ll have this season….we might as well start sparring now, right?
Andrea – So…..who are you going to take? Vinny? Brady Quinn? : )
TheStarterWife – Don’t think I have not thought of taking Quinn. He’s on the list. I need 3 minutes to look at my sheet.
Clare – I’m really surprised you didn’t pick Brady, Andrea. I thought about taking him, just to hate-fuck the ND right out of him.
(But I have a feeling he isn’t interested in the vadge anyway.)
(I’m saying he’s kinda gay!)
Andrea – I thought about, I find him very attractive. And I think he likes the vadge just fine.
Holly – Quinn, hot? Neigh. (I AM CARRIED AWAY WITH MY OWN CLEVERNESS)
Clare – Are you saying “neigh” because he has horsey teeth? ‘Cause he does, kinda.
Andrea – I think it was about his sister, Secretariat. Brady has beautiful teeth. You be quiet.
TheStarterWife – Ok. I needed my three minutes to get past the pain. I knew it where I was going this whole time. I mean, who am I going to take Leftwich? I think not.
THESTARTERWIFE WITH HER SECOND PICK TAKES CARSON PALMER.
TheStarterWife – You guys think I am ripped, I cannot wait to see the iPhone message from Texas Gal tonight.
Andrea – Ugh, I hate Carson Palmer. I’m still bitter about the 2002 season.
TheStarterWife – OK… We’re set as soon as Melly comes to…
The next morning.
Texas Gal – Jesus. A girl goes away for a couple of baseball games (and 6 hours of drinking afterwards), and all hell breaks loose.
Andie doesn’t pick Brady Quinn?
Ben R. is somehow labeled “hot”?
Tony Romo is somehow labeled “not hot”?
Dreamboat isn’t selected until #8?
And I get accused of homerism for drafting Vince Young? VINCE YOUNG?!? Have you SEEN him? He is HOT. Like, hot of the smoking variety.
With the sixteenth and final pick, I’m going to draft the hottest man alive- he’s rough and he’s tough and he’s got a drawl that’ll knock you out at 100 paces.
My all-time greatest sports crush, and the most perfect man to walk the planet… BRETT FAVRE.
Andrea – Thank you on the Romo backup. Wily Texy strikes again!
Texas Gal – He is UNBELIEVABLY hot. Like WHOA. If he could just lose the butterfingers, he’d be pretty much perfect.
Andrea – Where were you last night when Drunk TSW was having a fit? *whispers* She drafted Roethlisberger!
Texas Gal – No, I missed it. But if she was drunk drafting, seems like she and Benny Boy are perfect for each other. Geddit? BECAUSE HE LIKES THE HOOCH.
Andrea – BECAUSE HE LIKES THE HOOCHIES. fixed
Texas Gal – Can I just say how extremely happy it makes me that no one drafted Leinart? (no one drafted him, right?) Because I hate that guy.
TheStarterWife – You know what is hot? A SUPER BOWL RING. What was drunk drafting was my pick of Carson Palmer. How can I live with myself all season now, knowing that when I am weak, I will go to the enemy?!?!?!?
Texas Gal – Two words: HATE SEX.
TheStarterWife – Hate sex with Palmer? His knee will go out.
Texas Gal – He is a fragile snowflake.
Holly – Now be honest, who ranked their players in order of hottness and who did it by skill?
TheStarterWife – Ben is hot/homer. Carson Palmer I was drunk and all the hotties I wanted were taken. (Rivers, Brees, Carr. )
Andrea – Holly, I did a mix. I definitely put hot/talented players at the top, dropped talented uglies down, brought up a few hotties who aren’t that great.
TheStarterWife – What is funny is that when you took Carr it meant that the two Carolina QB’s were taken back to back.
Holly – He is my A#1 hot-tay. Fuck the Houston front office right in the face.
Clare – Truth? The only homework I did before the draft was google “fantasy football qb ratings.” Then I marked off who was chosen, when, and by whom, and just picked from whoever was left over.I really did want Rex though, because, well, he’s the sex cannon!
SA – I did the same thing Clare.
Yahoo’s autodraft decided that we all needed a third string QB on the bench, or as I like to to call them, “QB’s our mothers would pick out for us”. If any of the Ladies end up starting these gentlemen during the season, expect to hear endless taunts involving curfews, bobby socks, and heavy petting. They are –
Pick # 1: Texas Gal – J.P. Losman
Pick # 2: TheStarterWife – Steve McNair (Ed. note – Obviously I need to collect all AFC North QB’s like Hummel figurines)
Pick # 3: Andrea – Had Chad Pennington, but dropped him. Either she never listens to her mother or Chad and the Jets are that repulsive.
Pick # 4: Clare – Matt Schaub
Pick # 5: Metschick – Eli Manning
Pick # 6: Holly – Donovan McNabb
Pick # 7: GordonShumway – Jay Cutler
Pick # 8: SA – Matt Leinart
No one takes Joey Harrington? A hottness draft is the only thing that QB could excel in and you ladies take it away.
Mmmm, Peyton. Good Lord, I would do very dirty things to that man.
I do so love to read these conversations. And I’ve learned now that Alex Smith has got it going on, but if it were pure hotness-based, I’d have to take Carr.
My friends and I have an ongoing joke about how hard it is not to call Philip Rivers by his full name. This means that he sounds like a character out of an early-’60s musical or teenage girl book. “I hear Philip Rivers is going to ask you to take his pin! What are you going to wear?!” It’s getting to be a pretty involved little world.
no one decided to pick up the mid-american housewives wet dream?
you know who im talking about
the bachelor himself…mr jesse palmer
i guess he’s hot…if you’re into slightly cleaned up geico cavemen
Brett Favre gets 16th overall?! Behind Romo and Ben Rottentosser?!! Ah, well, you got it right, Texy. Brett can drive his tractor through my yard anytime.
I’ll take Jason Street and Matt Saracen! (nice Friday Night Lights pic)
sweet, no one took Brady Quinn!
HE’S MINE THEN
I would like to establish my prior claim on Riggins at this time.
Also, per Ladies…bylaw, I am contractually obligated to shriek, “SERPENTINE!!” for no goddamn reason.
Pam/ZPS, are you looking for someone to advise you on haircuts or someone to go shoe shopping with?
My PSA for the day is: Drew Brees is super nice and smells delicious. He went to my high school. (I know these are the hard hitting facts that the Ladies… and their fans need to know)
“fantasy gold” takes on a whole new meaning in this context.
And now, since I’m ineligible by virtue of marriage, I’m going to find someone worthy to end Clare’s drought.
Great job, TSW…….right up until you mentioned the goddamn Hummel figurines. Those things scare the shit out of me.
Clare, Brady Quinn likes women! You stop that right now!
MUST COLLECT ALL OF THE AFC NORTH QBS! AND PUT THEM ON MY MANTLE.
TSW-don’t feel bad, I’ve had a serious crush on Ben..er, The Enemy for years. (Although, to be fair, it started when he was still at Miami) Damn, that’s a good picture! *drools on keyboard*
Oh hell, I didnt get here fast enough to claim Riggins?! Boooo!
Why did we think to set up a commenter hottie league?
Maybe I’ll still track the points.
This is how all drafts should be…although…so many options….God I missed the NFL….
2 votes for seneca wallace’s facial hair
Even after claiming my disdain for him, Yahoo Autodraft still gave me Eli Manning.
It’s like the world’s trying to tell me something.
SERPENTINE, HOLLY! SERPENTINE!
No residual love for Vinny Testaverde? None of you Ladies have Daddy issues?
What about poor, poor ol’ Kurt Warner? He’s kind of got that “I could be your daddy figure if that’s what you’re looking for?” thing going on.
And if Michael Vick were playing this year, would he be included? Surely one of the Ladies… might have gone for him for the “Bad Boy” effect, alone. [REDACTED all jokes about “doggy style”]
Why didn’t anyone take Kyle Boller?
Also, Romo is a decent looking dude. Anyone that can get Carrie Underwood is alright by me.
Jeff Tedford quarterbacks may not turn out well in the pros, but at least he knows how to choose hot ones. See: Kyle Boller, Joey Harrington, and David Carr.
My mom did shots with Drew Brees once. She said he was a nice boy, and she recommended that I marry him immediately. I don’t know how we didn’t get that worked out.
I’m still bitter about the 2002 season.
It’s not Palmer’s fault that the Iowa D couldn’t follow through on their claims that they were going to level him.
Of course Brady Quinn likes girls – they have much better recommendations for who does the fastest waxing work in town.
(heads into exile, it’s been nice visiting…)
I think Kurt Warner’s cute, but he looks too much like my cousin’s husband. That would just be too creepy!
Is that an authentically enjoying it or irono contrarian allusion to “Welcome to the Jungle”?
If he weren’t injured and out for the season, Drew Stanton. Hello, lovely.
I can’t believe Rivers didn’t go first. I almost locked myself in my best friend Jay’s bathroom after seeing that ESPN issue on his coffee table. The ARMS. The sex stare. My god.
Dear God. You Ladies just earned a Visionary Thinking Hall of Fame nomination at the Laminated List Fantasy Draft. I’m conferring with the rest of The Starting Lineup about your candidacy. Also, you’re officially invited to serve as male athlete correspondents from here out. Keep doin how you do.
The Friday Foodies have been outstanding. They are quite handy for the weekly dinners I’m now in charge of.
Laura: I’m using my limited powers of deduction to guess that we went to the same high school. But probably not at the same time as I have no idea how Brees smells.
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Thanks for a great article.