The Dame’s Football Tour o’ Sex: Euro 2008 – Hotness XI – Pt. II

This is Rustu Recber.

When a lady finds herself subscribing to the ‘I started it; I might as well finish it’ philosophy to get through a match or is reduced her lowest possible ‘well, someone better take of their shirt, at least…’ moment, there are issues with a tournament.

Especially when no one does.

[Dame’s note: Or does and is wearing an undershirt.]

All I’m saying is that it hasn’t exactly turned out a classic so far, has it?

Turkey may have produced a few memorable moments when they dumped Czech Republic out on their asses with that ridiculous come back, but other than that this thing has veered more towards the boring than anything else.

The Group of Death officially turned into the team of WTF when Italy defended their way into oblivion on Sunday night. The Dutch didn’t manage much better when their defense pretty much imploded at the first sign of Hiddink.

This is also around the time when the English would be crashing out in spree of hilariously missed penalties and tears and I seem to be missing that obligatory portion more than I thought I would. Forgive me but Euro just doesn’t feel like Euro without some Beckham tears.

Semi-finals will kick off today: Turkey v Germany. The Turks, once again, have half their starters missing and their main keeper is still out on suspension — although it should be said that their second-string keeper, Rustu Recber, is a pretty serious dude. And looks like he just stepped off the set of Pirates of the Caribbean.

I’m going to be live-blogging the match once again over at This Is Extra Time at 2:30PM ET — come keep me company if you like

Euro Hotnesss XI – Pt. II:

The Shit Stir

Artur Boruc a.k.a. Catholic
Postion: Goalkeeper
Team: Poland
Artur, who plays his club football at Glasgow Celtic, first began exhibiting bizarrely douchy behavior back in ’06 when he thought it would be a clever idea to ‘gesture’ and bless himself to Rangers fans at Ibrox. Since then he’s gloated and instigated fans at just about every turn in addition to attempting to punch one of his defenders in the middle of a match last season. Good stuff, Artur! Unfortunately, no such antics were seen from the man this summer which might actually explain why Poland were such a snore.

[Dame’s note: And failed to win a single game in their group.]

The Sub

Raul Albiol a.k.a. Speaking of Raul…
Positon: Right Back
Team: Spain

A Spanish defender who is not Sergio Ramos? Being called hot? The earth is shifting below us, everyone! Armageddon is surely on it’s way!

The Broken

Fabio Cannavaro a.k.a. Mr. Bust Myself a Week Before
Position: Centre Back
Team: Italy

Dear Fabio’s ankle, you and I are not on happy terms. I don’t like you and you clearly don’t like me. Why else would you decide to snap right before the start of the tournament and thus deprive us of Canna’s essential beauty and charm? I do have a favour to ask you, however. No, don’t give me that look. Could you, by some miraculous work of God, find it in yourself to start working again? Yes, and then time travel back to when Italy were still in this thing and propel lovely Cannavaro back to being awesome in the Italian backline? Small favour, Canna’s ankle.

[Dame’s note: And yes, that photo is slightly ancient. Do I care? Hardly.]

The Beard

Olof Mellberg a.k.a. FIGHT!
Postion: Centre Back
Team: Sweden

Why is it that whenever I see Olof in a Sweden shirt, that my mind immediately drifts off to that hilarious training ground bust-up between him and Freddie Ljungberg back in ’02? It’s actually gotten to the point where I literally cannot look at him without thinking, ‘FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!’ Sure, that may have more to do with the fact that I have the mind of a ten year old than anything else but, I do think that it’s about time they down again, don’t you? One more time for old times’ sake, boys!

[Dame’s note: Apparently things actually did kick off between the two again at the ’06 World Cup but there isn’t any hilarious video footage like last time. No fair.]

The Double

Michal Zewlakow
Position: Left Back
Team: Poland

Michal has a twin who also used to play for the Polish NT. Can you imagine? Double the hotness?

[Dame’s note: And doesn’t he look a tiny bit like Casillas? A little?]

The Other Larsson

Sebastian Larsson a.k.a. Blondie
Position: Right Midfield
Team: Sweden

This one is blond, small and looks like you could fit him in your pocket. Portable is good , right?

The Captain

Michael Ballack a.k.a. Micha
Position: Centre Midfield
Team: Germany

On the other hand, here you have Michael who is not blond, not at all small and looks like he could could fit you in his back pocket. And did you see that free kick? Oh my, beauty. Seriously, can he call me please?

[Dame’s note: Not at all likely, unfortunately. Ballack’s set to marry his longtime girlfriend and mother of his three kids this July. I wish them a happy divorce.]

The Underground

Torsten Frings a.k.a. FRINGS?!
Postion: Centre Midfield
Team: Germany

Ladies who crush on this fellow tend to do so in a very underground fashion. There are several reasons: First, Frings is in dire need of serious hair chopping. I say ‘chopping’ because the last time a pair of scissors came near his head the Spice Girls were still coming out with hits. Second, Torsten appears to enjoy the b-boy style of dress which, is terribly unbecoming on a 31 year old German man. Like can we stop wearing baseball caps backwards now?

[Dame’s note: No need to mention handball ’02, right, USA? Right. Also, Torsten’s formerly busted rib is all better now so he’ll be fine to line up against Turkey today.]

The Oranje

Wesley Sneijder a.k.a. Wes
Position: Left Midfield
Team: Netherlands

What impressed me about Wes this past week, was the fact that he seemed one of the only players on the Dutch side that kept his wits about him after they went two goals down to Russia in the quarterfinal. At some points, it really did feel like Edwin van der Sar was being made to play on his own.

The Going-Going-Gone

Cristiano Ronaldo a.k.a. Real Madrid
Position: Striker
Team: Portugal

Including him in the XI does feel slightly redundant but since he’s managed to take off his shirt after every single match he played in this tournament it’d be unfair not to give him his due. It should be said, however, that his vanity and undeniable beauty certainly hasn’t help his team any. The Portuguese spent more time talking about transfer dealings then they did actually trying to win the championship. It’s no shock that they’ve already been booted from the competition.

[Dame’s note: Are you happy, MC?! Are you?! ]

[Dame’s note II: As MC pointed out Cristiano plays on the wing. I know that. In fact a few of the positions on this list have been slightly fudged with — because I’m fun like that.]

The One Bad Photo Did Him In

Mario Gomez a.k.a. Gomez Is Totally a German Name
Postion: Striker
Team: Germany

Don’t judge him on his Euro team photo. Please, just don’t. He cleans up really, really well and looks even better shirtless, I promise. Now, only if we could do something about those should-have-been-goals non-goals of his…