Why must you insist on breaking my heart?

I’m sure many of you have heard that Andy Roddick recently got engaged to Sports Illustrated swim suit model Brooklyn Decker. I’m not quite sure what he sees in her…

There is also a rumor floating around that Dreamboat and that supermodel he refuses to break-up with are making it official. Now, I doubt the Roddick thing is going to work out (the girl is only 20 after all) and chances are Bunchface is just another womb in which Tom Brady can implant another illegitimately beautiful baby. But I am saddened nonetheless. Hot pieces like that shouldn’t just go off the market! How dare they find beautiful, successful, women to settle down with when they haven’t even met ME yet?? So I decided to compile a list of the top 3 male (pro) athletes that it would break my heart to heart to hear that some wench has made off with them.

1) Dale Earnhardt Jr.

Junior has sort of become NASCAR’s ultimate bachelor. He’s 33 and never been married. He even admitted on 60 Minutes a few years ago that he usually breaks things off with gf’s at the 3 month point because “[he] drives the boat.” And it’s at that point that the women, they get a bit too comfortable and start making outrageous demands. Surely of the sort like, “Hey can I not follow you around the country all the time, maybe let’s hang out with my friends this weekend.” Well I’m here to tell you, Junior, I will follow you wherever. You can drive the boat/car/plane/golf-cart/jetski/anything that moves and I will be content. You live in North Carolina; I live in North Carolina. Seriously, geographically speaking, it’s fate.

I also have an all-consuming, inexplicable love of gingers. I don’t know where it came from, but I heart me some red heads. I want red-headed babies, unfortunately my dark brown hair will probably kill this dream, but by mating with a ginge I exponentially (or maybe just fractionally) increase the chances of that happening. So, Junior, help me out. Donate to the Mistress Christina wants to have ginger babies fund. And by donate, I mean marry me. Thank you.

2) David Wright

I’m sort of hoping when David and I finally get together, that Jose Reyez comes along as some sort of package deal.

I don’t know if I should admit this so early on in my Ladies… career, but here goes: I don’t like baseball. Not even a little. I have watched games on TV. I have gone to games in person. I just can’t do it… But, David Wright, now him I could do. Despite my lack of love for the diamond, I watched no less than 5 Mets games last year just to see him play. Look at him. I mean my god, he looks like a total fruit in the picture above and I’m not dissuaded in the least! If I go to New York to visit one of my friends this summer, I’m going to make her take me to a Mets game and buy me binoculars, just so I can stare at him in person. And then I’m going to make her show me where Tribeca is, so I can find the giant loft he purchased there last year. (Why do I know that? Because I’m crazy. I thought that was pretty clear…)

When some model/actress/wannabe model-actress finally lures him into her evil grasp, it’s going to devastate me and just about every female Mets fan (and female in general). David if you must date, please pick someone who does not aspire to get paid for being hot and talentless. Perhaps pick a nice female sports blogger, who is witty, cute, and in school for a legitimate profession. (This could really describe each and every one of the Ladies… although some are finished with school, and honestly if it’s not me, I’m okay with it being them!)

3) Rafael Nadal

I have loved Rafael Nadal since he first burst on the tennis scene by totally dominating all things covered in clay. That included Roger Federer. (I cannot stand Roger Federer. Stupid, neutral, wins-everything, Swissman.) Rafa has everything I’m looking for in a man; athleticism, well muscled arms, hotness, and a super awesome ass. It’s beautiful. My only regret in life, as of this moment, is that Google didn’t have any good photos of it for me to share with you. (If you can find one PLEASE share it in the comments, I beg you.) But as I was engaged in this futile search, I realized that he does have a lot of pictures of him with his shirt off. I could hardly choose which ones to post.

The arms, mother of God, his arms! Hold me. No serious, Rafa, please hold me.

This only cemented my love for the man. He is so hot that I had problems narrowing down the pictures I posted of him. (For the record, #1 was because he’s shirtless AND looking pensive, #2 Shirtless and intense, and #3 THE BICEPS!!!) His accent is also adorable. He lives on (in?) Majorca, and has that fabulous Spanish lisp. I really really love him. If he could just wrap me up in those massive arms of his and speak to me in Spanish (which I wouldn’t understand, but also wouldn’t care), I could die a happy woman. So come on, Rafael, why don’t you make me a happy woman?

What about you guys, any athletes that you hope fate/God/circumstance keeps single forever, or at least until they meet you? :)