Why must you insist on breaking my heart?

I’m sure many of you have heard that Andy Roddick recently got engaged to Sports Illustrated swim suit model Brooklyn Decker. I’m not quite sure what he sees in her…

There is also a rumor floating around that Dreamboat and that supermodel he refuses to break-up with are making it official. Now, I doubt the Roddick thing is going to work out (the girl is only 20 after all) and chances are Bunchface is just another womb in which Tom Brady can implant another illegitimately beautiful baby. But I am saddened nonetheless. Hot pieces like that shouldn’t just go off the market! How dare they find beautiful, successful, women to settle down with when they haven’t even met ME yet?? So I decided to compile a list of the top 3 male (pro) athletes that it would break my heart to heart to hear that some wench has made off with them.

1) Dale Earnhardt Jr.

Junior has sort of become NASCAR’s ultimate bachelor. He’s 33 and never been married. He even admitted on 60 Minutes a few years ago that he usually breaks things off with gf’s at the 3 month point because “[he] drives the boat.” And it’s at that point that the women, they get a bit too comfortable and start making outrageous demands. Surely of the sort like, “Hey can I not follow you around the country all the time, maybe let’s hang out with my friends this weekend.” Well I’m here to tell you, Junior, I will follow you wherever. You can drive the boat/car/plane/golf-cart/jetski/anything that moves and I will be content. You live in North Carolina; I live in North Carolina. Seriously, geographically speaking, it’s fate.

I also have an all-consuming, inexplicable love of gingers. I don’t know where it came from, but I heart me some red heads. I want red-headed babies, unfortunately my dark brown hair will probably kill this dream, but by mating with a ginge I exponentially (or maybe just fractionally) increase the chances of that happening. So, Junior, help me out. Donate to the Mistress Christina wants to have ginger babies fund. And by donate, I mean marry me. Thank you.

2) David Wright

I’m sort of hoping when David and I finally get together, that Jose Reyez comes along as some sort of package deal.

I don’t know if I should admit this so early on in my Ladies… career, but here goes: I don’t like baseball. Not even a little. I have watched games on TV. I have gone to games in person. I just can’t do it… But, David Wright, now him I could do. Despite my lack of love for the diamond, I watched no less than 5 Mets games last year just to see him play. Look at him. I mean my god, he looks like a total fruit in the picture above and I’m not dissuaded in the least! If I go to New York to visit one of my friends this summer, I’m going to make her take me to a Mets game and buy me binoculars, just so I can stare at him in person. And then I’m going to make her show me where Tribeca is, so I can find the giant loft he purchased there last year. (Why do I know that? Because I’m crazy. I thought that was pretty clear…)

When some model/actress/wannabe model-actress finally lures him into her evil grasp, it’s going to devastate me and just about every female Mets fan (and female in general). David if you must date, please pick someone who does not aspire to get paid for being hot and talentless. Perhaps pick a nice female sports blogger, who is witty, cute, and in school for a legitimate profession. (This could really describe each and every one of the Ladies… although some are finished with school, and honestly if it’s not me, I’m okay with it being them!)

3) Rafael Nadal

I have loved Rafael Nadal since he first burst on the tennis scene by totally dominating all things covered in clay. That included Roger Federer. (I cannot stand Roger Federer. Stupid, neutral, wins-everything, Swissman.) Rafa has everything I’m looking for in a man; athleticism, well muscled arms, hotness, and a super awesome ass. It’s beautiful. My only regret in life, as of this moment, is that Google didn’t have any good photos of it for me to share with you. (If you can find one PLEASE share it in the comments, I beg you.) But as I was engaged in this futile search, I realized that he does have a lot of pictures of him with his shirt off. I could hardly choose which ones to post.

The arms, mother of God, his arms! Hold me. No serious, Rafa, please hold me.

This only cemented my love for the man. He is so hot that I had problems narrowing down the pictures I posted of him. (For the record, #1 was because he’s shirtless AND looking pensive, #2 Shirtless and intense, and #3 THE BICEPS!!!) His accent is also adorable. He lives on (in?) Majorca, and has that fabulous Spanish lisp. I really really love him. If he could just wrap me up in those massive arms of his and speak to me in Spanish (which I wouldn’t understand, but also wouldn’t care), I could die a happy woman. So come on, Rafael, why don’t you make me a happy woman?

What about you guys, any athletes that you hope fate/God/circumstance keeps single forever, or at least until they meet you? :)

39 thoughts on “Why must you insist on breaking my heart?

  1. David Wright if you must date… please date me.

    Curtis Granderson… ditto.

    I was devestated when I found out Miguel Cabrera was married (!!) with a kid (!!!!). I really thought we were made for each other.

  2. @Sisanator
    Seriously? Can we get into the building? I swear that I am not a stalker either, but I do own night vision goggles and I’m pretty sure I could get my hands on a grappling hook, to ya know, do some late night climbing…

    Seriously, athletes should have to disclose these things. I don’t want to waste hours planning our wedding in my brain, only to find out that you’re taken! They should have to wear a sign or something… have it stitched on their uniform under their last names.

  3. Yes, although goggles probably wouldn’t be necessary – considering his hallway is entirely glass – now if he’d only start using his roof deck.

  4. Have you ever wondered why it’s only Nadal’s one arm that is so ridiculously large? No, okay it’s just me then.

  5. @Janalee
    YES! I say that all the time. The one is freakishly small! (I don’t think the other one is freakishly large; it’s perfection) My mom gets mad, she’s like it is not freakishly small, they’re the same. She’s clearly blind. I think it’s because the big one is his racket arm so it does more work, and hence gets larger than the other.

  6. You can never tell by the way they act which ones are married/single/whatever. They all act single….UGH. I think a patch sewn on the arms would be a great thing.

  7. my dad works with someone whose sister used to date david wright.
    i keep trying to get him to find out details and/or get her to set me up with him but he doesn’t seem to think those are such great ideas :(

    and huston street, why are you not available to me? even though i only became aware of your existence this year (in all fairness, cali is really far away from jersey), i really think it could have worked out.

  8. @Dame
    Yeah, man I miss the old baseball pants, they were way tighter and hence showed off those beautiful bubble butts so well. Now they have those baggy full length pants things that totally obscure the view of the backside. So unfortunate. Sigh. One more reason for me not to watch…

    Thank you. I like to think I have excellent taste.

  9. Dame, Christina-I was the exact same way from all of my existence until last year. What changed for me was actually picking a team. That helps A LOT in following a sport you’re not really a fan of.

    Tiff-having a kid doesn’t matter. You can be step mom. That way you don’t have to give birth to any.

  10. I don’t think Jr. is that hot, but he cracks me up. Awhile back, there were two females (girlfriends/wives of two drivers) who got into a shouting match because one of the drivers got bumped. Jr. was later asked about it and he was laughing and giving the impression that he wouldn’t mind seeing the females fight it out.

  11. Roger Clemens? ;) No, seriously though, if I’d known he was in the market for teenagers back then I’d have moved to Boston in a heartbeat!

    Oh, and there should be a law passed abolishing those baggy baseball pants – went to a Royals/Indians game last week & every player on the field had baggy pants – even Grady Sizemore. Didn’t he used to know better? I want tight pants & stripey socks!!

  12. Back in January of this year, David Wright was seen on the arm of some model named Molly Beers at charity event(?). Which really made me mad!!! But David has said they’re friends and was only supporting her a this event. But I’ve read that David doesn’t like to date during the season.

  13. @mistresschristina, you get the goggles and the grappling hook and I’ll bring the net. But we’re going have to share him when we catch him. I heard he lives in the Flatiron District, according to Wikipedia.

  14. @Gradavid
    I’m sure we could work out some sort of schedule. Although really our biggest problem is going to be how to keep him. Cuz eventually were going to have to let him go play some baseball so he can keep buying us shiny things…

  15. My boyfriend will always be James Blake. He’s such a nice guy, and even though I don’t like the bald head as much as the dreads, that smile kind of makes all of that go away.

    I would also holler at Chris Paul, especially the way he’s been playing in the playoffs. And my ex from high school (!!) looked a lot like Tim Duncan.

    Rafa is an excellent (and delicious) pick. I tried to find pictures of his booty but no luck. Supposedly this blog post has a link to him talking about his famous ass.

    Unsatisfactory picture of his ass (sort of):

  16. Pingback: spanish athletes

  17. I’m totally with you on the red-haired boys. Have you seen Mariners closer J.J. Putz? *sigh* He bears the OTM mark, but a girl can still ogle, right?

  18. Model-dating is to be expected, but it really busted one of my fantasies when I saw Justin Verlander’s girlfriend. She’s gorgeous, but normal and cool-looking. Damn.

  19. If I lived in New York I’d be right there with you at David Wright’s loft… I went to a Mets game here against the D-backs behind the visiting dugout (literally 3 rows behind) so I didn’t even need binoculars. It was awesome. My sister made fun of me.
    What’s not to love about baseball? Grady Sizemore is another one of my current obsessions. Along with pretty much the entire lineup of the D-backs. Went to UofA and spring training in Tucson was always a good time :)

  20. i heart rafael nadal. i didnt know much about tennis but i watched the french open. it was my first time to watch a tennis match ever. i got hooked. i watched the semis, the finals and the replay. all because of nadal’s wonderful ass.

    christine, my heart was broken to pieces after finding out that nadal has a girlfriend. check out this site:


    they even put pictures of them hugging and kissing. heartless editors.

  21. nadal is so hot. i want his babies!!! has anyone else noticed he always pulls his shorts out his fine butt when he is playing, either he wears really tight undies or he just wants us to stare even more than we already are lol.

  22. @ delirium
    those pics look really fake on that site. i wouldnt take any notice. plus the girl isnt all that he could do much better… so we still might have a shot

  23. Sorry to burst your bubble, ladies, but our dear Rafa has been dating his lady for 3 years now– he’s just been keeping it under wraps. They were apparently childhood friends. Well, we can still ogle from afar and keep our fingers crossed, no?

  24. i fell in love with rafa cos of his arms too! i was saying t a friend the other day “i just want him to hold me”
    she thought i was crazy, buit then shes a federer fan. i totally agree with ur opinion of him too!

  25. @ Lily,
    My roommate was supporting Federer in the match last weekend. She nearly died. You should tell your friend not to mess with a Rafa fangirl! :)

    sadly the pics are very real. I think his gf is pretty, in a very normal he’s probably going to marry her way. Sucks a lot, but better her than some dumbass model.

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