How To Make Love To A ______ Fan: The St. Louis Cardinals

cardinals.jpeg We are, respectively, pleased as punch and moderately alarmed to present the third and fourth installments in our How To Make Love To A ______ Fan series. Today we give you St. Louis Cardinals darling Lady Andrea while Rocky Top sweetheart Holly files her dispatch at EDSBS. This continuing malarkey brought to you by the Ladies… in partnership with the mad genius of Every Day Should Be Saturday. Take it away, LA…

How to Make Love to a Cardinals Fan:

Oh, the illustrious Cardinals fan. The nicest, most giving lover in all of major league baseball. So sweet, so knowledgeable. He’ll know things about your body that even you didn’t know. His eagerness to show off his….know-how….is only topped by the way he’ll snuggle with you afterwards.

He’ll start by peeling away your clothes until you’re only wearing your Rolen jersey, conveniently unbuttoned so he has access to your entire body. He’ll work his way down to South City, turning a double-play while hitting Pujols-off-Lidge homeruns until you almost go unconscious.

If you want to make love to a Cardinals fan, you better be ready to submit. He’ll micromanage everything from the lighting to the music to the positions he flings you around into. But you won’t mind. The Cardinals fan rarely makes a mistake and if he does, his charm and sweet disposition will have you laughing about it. Until it’s time to get serious again.

When the Cardinals fan gets serious, he’ll start slowly. Kissing your neck to put a man on first, using his hands to get a double to left field, and then rocketing one past the second baseman where the lead runner slides head first into third to load the bases. The Cardinals fan will have a huge lead, working all the corners of the diamond and just when you think you can’t take any more, he’ll lay down a suicide squeeze to score the first run.

But he isn’t done. No, the Cardinals fan is nowhere near being finished with this late-inning rally. He changes positions like LaRussa changes pitchers, all the while skirting the edge between pleasure and pain. The Cardinals fan’s utmost concern is for your happiness. Just when you think the sensory overload can’t get any more intense, he’ll back you into the postseason. You’ll be skeptical at first; all the experts have said it’s no good. But soon, you’re enjoying yourself. The come-from-behind entry into the NLCS is new for you, but the Cardinals fan will make you love it. As he reaches around for the pennant, he brings you victory after victory. Finally, he flips you over like a Wainwright curveball and gets to the final out. It culminates in a World Series-esque celebration where you and your Cardinals fan are clutching at each other and cheering together, covered in champagne and sweat, in disbelief of how miraculous it was.

He’s still not done, though. The Cardinals fan then takes you in his arms, kisses you so sweetly and takes you to Ted Drewes for custard.

54 thoughts on “How To Make Love To A ______ Fan: The St. Louis Cardinals

  1. rocketing one past the second baseman where the lead runner slides head first into third to load the bases Jesus Christ!

  2. As a Yankees fan, I know nothing of backing into the playoffs, I know everything about backing out though.

    You should consider writing steamy novels.

  3. Don’t forget that us Cards fans are also known to run into the bedroom and do a triple flip with a perfect landing before taking the World Series to seven long games.

  4. LA, that is very strong writing. Let me know if you need a copy editor…I mean, I would never read something like that!

  5. If it involves a Phillies or St. Louis J.D. Drew jersey he’ll fall off the bed and proceed into a scene of self-inflicted violence like Nordberg in Naked Gun.

  6. MMMMCardinals Fans. Next time I see a boy in an STL hat, I will be certain to get a whole hell of a lot closer to him than I ever would have in the past. Nicely done, chick.

  7. As a Houstonian, I am prohibited from applauding any post that uses the implosion of Brad Lidge as foreplay.

    (but if I was a Cards fan, I’d totally high five you for this)

  8. Goodness…

    I had to look over my shoulder reading this at work.

    I really enjoyed “the Cardinal fan will have a huge lead.” Men in St. Louis are jumping for joy.

  9. Sorry I’m a late comer and everything, but, great work Andie. The only thing that I don’t like about it is that you probably wrote this while day dreaming about Julian Tavarez ravaging your body. Frankly, that scares the shit out of me.

  10. I feel sorry for the ladies looking for a celebrity to envision in this scenario. You’ve got Billy Bob Thornton and the Sklar brothers. I guess it just leaves room for the unfamous fandom.

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  14. Wow…It’s been a day and a half since I first read this and I still can’t get over how much I need to thank you, Andie, for the mental image you’ve created…

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