Welcome to Miami: Meet the Marlins

Billy the Marlin What can I possibly say about the Marlins as an intro? They’ve been around for like a day and have already won two World Series. In that same span of time, my Mets have won none. Boo.

In between celebrating World championships, however, there have been some god-awful teams down in Miami. While this year’s team might not be god-awful (although, they were just swept by the Nationals), they’re just not very good.

And they’re kind of ugly. There, I said it. The Marlins are sorely lacking the Hottness. (Sorry, Marlins fan.)

Don’t know why I’m apologizing. There are more
people in my house right now than shown in this picture.

As hot as the Oakland A’s are, the Marlins are the exact opposite. They are U-G-L-Y (you ain’t got no alibi, and all that).

But they do have one or two gems among the muck. Join me as I showcase them.

Here we have Sergio Mitre. (The placement of that pen is quite unfortunate, but I think he looks cute here.) He came to the Marlins from the Cubs. And that’s all I know about him. Why is he cute? He has a nice face, a good mouth, I like his hair and he has a great mouth. (Disclaimer: he now looks totally different with longer hair and a goatee.)

The only thing is that the kid behind him is creeping me the fuck out, so let’s move on, mm-kay?


This here’s Josh Willingham. He’s an okay looking guy, but after looking at guys like Renyel Pinto and Alfredo Amezaga, okay starts to look like gorgeous. And he does have nice forearms. And I’m a sucker for nice forearms.

I know some probably find Miguel Cabrera attractive. I’m just not one of them. I think he’s gotten too big for his britches. Yeah, he’s talented as all get out, but he just has this smug ass air about him.

But he could totally get it. Especially if he looks at me with that look he has in that picture. The hate sex would be stupendous.


Dammit – are there no cameras in southern Florida? It took me forever to find one decent picture of Mike Jacobs. I don’t know if it’s residual feelings from when he was a Met (4 HRs in 4 games, dudes!), but I still carry a torch for Mr. Jacobs.

And my favorite Marlin hottie is:

He’s so cute. Need I say more?

And he’s a fan on the eye black! Rock on, Aaron, rock on.

Boone’s good looks almost make up for the fact that the rest of his teammates are fug.

And how could I forget the New Hotness: Billy the Marlin. Smokin’.

And for the guys:
Marlins Mermaids

And don’t get used to it. (This goes out to MattMillenFanClub.)

28 thoughts on “Welcome to Miami: Meet the Marlins

  1. MC – nice job on sidestepping a Dan Uggla reference… don’t know that I could’ve been that strong myself.

  2. Sadly, that pic at the top is the norm. When I lived in SoFlorida, we’d go a ton or Marlin games because we’d get free tickets from my boss. (Who felt very badly that we were so poor.)

    Anyway, those upper decks are wastelands.

  3. With that Mitre shot, I initially thought he was in some swank South Beach spot that has hookahs for patron use. Rest assured, that would have upped the cool factor quite a bit.

    As is, one of the best names in sport. & he seriously just needs to go full-on pimp & call himself “The Bishop”.

    (Six years of Catholic schools, plus a year in Hank Stillman’s European History class, & all I can think of all miter jokes.)

  4. Aww, I love the Marlins. I find both Dontrelle Willis and Scotty Olsen strangely, intensely attractive. But maybe that’s just me…and yes, I was happy to mostly miss those last three games. Because, ouch.

  5. Dtrain has to be hot? – urinating on the wheel of your Bentley in the “wee” hours of the morning (sorry about the pun) Come on?

    I pointed out to Lady A in discussions about the Heat (Dwade seems to be popular with the L’s) and about her recent “party” in Chicago that the rules are different here in the Tropics. She would have had a far different experience here.

    I have to take issue with a Met Fan evaluating our Fish, she is skewed and skewered. None of the rules for the rest of the nation really apply here. Our population migrated (or escaped) from the north and immigrated from the south. Niether group attends games unless they are about to win ANOTHER (dig-dig) title so we do not even know who is good or not on our team.

    The point is we have a lot of things competing for our visual entertainment (not even mentioning an environment that is never covered in brown slushy ice 8 months of the year) Those mermaids are b-c quality.

    We feel as though we spawned the baseball winners of tomorrow (see the all-star roster and the time they had in South Florida?)

    Please cast a bigger net Ms. Met. We are not contained on one team if you think about it?

  6. cdbarney: I kid, I kid. I’m just jealous that in the past 20 years, the Mets have won nothing, and the Marlins (who’ve been around, what 15-16 years?) have won 2 World Series.

    And Miami has South Beach, so you guys come out ahead any way we cut it.

  7. Funny you mention South Beach… I was thinking “which are the most exciting cities in the U.S.?” while at work on the weekend, in light of the poor reviews of Lucky You (including the ONION’s assessment that it was quite odd that Curtis Hanson was not able to capture the vivacity of Vegas, when local colour is his strong-suit), & I came to the realization that Vegas got just the treatment it deserved from that film. NBA All-star Week-end aside, Vegas is a pokey little town in a desert. (Sure, lots of people reside there, but who lives there? Who’s born there?) The excitement, when it happens, is entirely pre-fab & bland… Meanwhile, you have a city like Miami, where you have a have a similarly transitory population (Cuban emigres, gays, Haitians, Nicaraguans, the occasional Jew) but a warmth that’s lacking in all but the asphalt in Vegas.

  8. Disco Stu: yup!

    When I was in Houston in Dec., this guy at the club asked me if I was enjoying myself. I told him I was okay, and he says: “But you’re in Houston!” It took all I had to gently tell him that I’ve been in Vegas, Miami and live near NYC, so Houston was no big deal.

    I had an amazing time in Vegas, but there really is nothing quite like South Beach.

  9. Male perspective – Unless you have had a recent signing bonus in the millions I would pick Vegas over South Beach. 1) You get what you pay for in Vegas in all capacities. In SoBe, you have to make it rain on a regular basis just to be on the guest lists then you have to toss at least $500-1,000 on Crystal and maybe get a few b list hussies and a bad phone number when they see you valet a Toyota Camry 2) there are odds (albeit losing odds) that you could win money in Vegas – SOBe it is a guarantee you will lose!

    NYC is a #2 and I would rank Houston along with various prison sentences.

  10. CDR Barney, what you just said is one of the reasons I only lived in SoFlo about two and a half years. People laugh about how shallow Los Angeles can be, but it really has nothing on the scene down there. My girlfriend only talked about how their boyfriends “took care of them”, and if that didn’t include a rent check and a brand new Navigator, then he was worthless to them.

  11. This is exibit A why i want to go some where else already. I´ve lived here my whole life and i want to see what its like to live somewhere where the freshmen in highschool dont have gucci purses, and the parking lots at the uni (FIU for me, yes that FIU) aren´t full of Beemers and Benzs and what not, and where people make damn sure that you know that they drive said Benz. And also, the biggest thing with me, is somewhere where i dont have to go to a club and spend 75 just to have 4 drinks every weekend because there is nothing else to do. Although the weather is great.

  12. What? The flying roaches are the best, except not so much. And i’m so used to the humidity that if i go anywhere else the air feels too dry. I can’t argue with the rain everyday though, this Miami thunderstorms have been coming down for the last few days. Those, its pouring for 5 minutes and then completely sunny and then pouring again for another 5 minutes, showers.

  13. It takes getting used to and I am a native. Ivan and I were probably classmates at the FIU?? No Fighting this year ok?

    TSW- My wife (starter and hopefully finisher) is ala Midwest-Wisconsin. I could not handle the attitudes of the local options.

    I actually grew up in Ft Lauderdale where it was very pretentious and gold digging in the downtown scene (now add surgically enhanced) I counter that normal people live here and have a very nice life. They just are under the radar. There are unlimited options everyday if you have your life together. Roach Hunting with the 12 gauge in your backyard and gun fire goes unnoticed….

    One can be anyone they want here without scrutiny. Terrorists and criminals find it suitable for that reason? With 12 months of outdoor weather and a zillion restaurants to choose- it is like vacation all the time.

    I do enjoy the diversity which not everyone has the mind set….

  14. cdrbarney: I don’t know, the fight was the most interesting thing that happened to our sports program all year. I’m kind of hoping for a repeat, thats the only reason people are going to go to the game next season. And also i’m still enrolled there, so if you went in the last 2 years then there is a possibility.

    I agree that you do have normal people here, we’re just on the outskirts. Not the “Miami” most people think of when they picture South Beach. And i’ve actually been to Ft Lauderdale only once or twice, i’ve been meaning to go to Las Olas for a while, but it just seems really far from where i live, granted everything in the Greater Miami area is hella far. part of the problem really.

    And the diversity is great, especially if you’re looking for diversity within different central and south american countries. But i agree, its great.

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