Midwest Pants Party: So Many Hotties

Friday morning I had my car packed and ready; I practically had it sitting outside my classroom building with the door open and the engine running. As soon as I finished a final, I was off for the Windy City. I put the iPod on the Country playlist (old school country, none of this faux-country crap) and I made it to downtown Chicago in excellent time. I was staying at the same hotel as Mr. Deadspin himself (I know! It’s like staying at the same hotel as The Beatles!), so we cabbed it out to Schaller’s Pump together around 2:00 pm. Also, I need to be upfront about this on the front page of the article: Will, I’m sorry I’ve been pronouncing your name wrong all this time. You’re right, it’s like the blood-sucking parasite. I looked it up: it’s Scottish, not German. Sorry Will.

Update: We now have video of Raskolnikov’s performance of the night and  Goathair’s awesome rendition of “Hey Ya.” Will Leitch’s (Leech) video is over at DeadOn.

Anyway, it turns out Schaller’s Pump is a total dive bar. However, all we needed was a place that served beer. Will and I immediately met Jim (Raskolnikov) and Sachin (jwalton), as we all arrived together, and as soon as we went inside PeteJayHawk, Pants Party Planner Extraordinaire, was sitting at the bar. In the corner, we grabbed a nice round table that is supposed to seat 6. Heh heh. By the time we left for the game, it was “seating” 13.

Within the next hour or so, we added Trey (Goathair), Adrian (HipHopNerd), JB (JB*), Dennis (Tuffy), Justin (AnalRapist), Michael (MDS), Paul (PurduePaul), Matt (Suss), Geoff (the Bad One) and (finally) Matt (289). He and his giant camera eventually did crawl out of bed and meet up with us. It was quite a motley crew, but I have to say that everyone was extremely nice, charming and totally not “creepy guy from the internet.” So, good job guys!

Sachin, Trey, Jim and JB.

Quick story: turns out AnalRapist is not a large black man, as I have been thinking for months now. Awhile back, I mentioned my alma mater, Truman State, on Deadspin and AR said that his brother played football for TSU. I said well I worked for the football team for two years as videographer, so I imagine we know each other. AR didn’t want to say his name on DS, so he described him as a RB from Chicago who graduated in 2002 (or 2003, I can’t remember right now). That led me to believe that the brother was a RB named Mike, who is a large black man from Chicago. Turns out, AR’s brother is Brian, a white Italian from Chicago. So when AR sat down at our table and wanted me to guess who he was, I had no idea. And when he said “AnalRapist,” apparently I got a very strange look on my face. AR and I had a good laugh about it later.

Adrian, Justin and me. Analrapist? (middle)
Not, in fact, a large black man.

We left Schaller’s around 5:00 pm and walked the mile to the stadium, then got into the “patio” area. It turns out the patio is more like a high school cafeteria (thanks for that one, Raskolnikov), but the beer, wine and food were free, so we didn’t care. Yinka Double Dare, Mrs. Yinka, Fornelli and Yostal all met up with us at the patio, so our group was steadily growing. And yes, I had noticed that no other women were there. Pete, I was promised other women!

At one point, Will, Pete, Fornelli and Purdue Paul were lucky (lucky?) enough to be present for the parade of dogs as they went to their seats. It was Bring Your Dog to the Park night. It was incredible, I’ve never seen so many. There were a few that I think I could saddle and ride and I swear to god, one of them was not a dog and was, in fact, a bear.

Furries! RUN!

We managed to corral the gang in time to get to our seats for the bottom of the 3rd inning. Pete thinks we missed our Deadspin shout-out on the jumbotron, which is very sad. Maybe he’ll reveal the secret message in the comments. We managed to have seats right next to two rows of frat guys that were there together, so that was “fun.” They actually turned out to be pretty entertaining, but they were giant turds at first. The game was fine, but I don’t think anybody paid too much attention to it. We all just hung out, enjoying each other’s company. I could not get over how great everybody was. Not that I thought they wouldn’t be great, but I kept waiting for That Guy to emerge. The guy who got too drunk and was a jerk or the guy who thought he was too cool for school. But everybody was incredibly fun and chill.

Sachin and Pete, chillin’ out max


Matt, me and Trey. Everybody leeeean back.

I flitted around during the game, sitting with different people and then poof, the game was over at like 9:40. Crazy. So, we all walked back to Schaller’s to pick up people’s cars. While we waited, there was an old man and a keyboard inside the bar to keep us entertained. The barmaid also tried to find the Warriors/Jazz game for us and we ended up watching about 10 minutes of Addams Family Values. Sweet.

Finally, we had a plan in place, though. And then the real awesomeness of the night began. Tuffy directed us all to a bar called the Pontiac Cafe. We piled into cars, with AnalRapist riding in the way-back or “trunk” of Trey’s SUV. That seems appropriate. 30 minutes later we were at the bar, where they were having LIVE BAND KARAOKE! Outstanding.

At first, the band wasn’t set up yet and we were kind of milling around. I started to worry that people would get bored and go home. But eventually the band got it going and the first 5 or 6 songs were great (non-Deadspinners, though). However, the first DSpinner to sing was yours truly. It brought chants of USA from the DS guys (which is weird cause I’m Canadian) and it also brought them down to the dance floor area. WOO! (Oh, I did “Goodbye to You” by Scandal. There is video evidence and I am posting it here, in the hopes that some of the other guys will buck up and post their videos somewhere).

Will was up next with The Misfits’ “Last Caress.” It was…..a little scary. He screamed a lot and jumped into the crowd at one point. But I think once the fearless leader showed his stuff, it got everybody else motivated.

Tuffy brought it down for a bit with “Ain’t No Sunshine.”

Yinka “Billy Idol” Double Dare ruled the school with “White Wedding.”

Then we come to the performances of Raskolnikov and Goathair. Raskol did The Hives’ “Hate to Say I Told You So” and I believe I told him afterwards that it was awesome and terrifying. He was shaking and slamming around and screaming and I think I watched the entire performance with my hands up by my face, saying, “Oh my god” over and over again.

He may look all cute and innocent, but he is not.

Goathair followed that with an OUTSTANDING version of “Hey Ya.” Dude can shake it like a polaroid, I’ll tell ya that much. He tried to dance with the female guitarist, but she really wasn’t having any of it. (Sorry Trey, you’ll have to settle for dancing with me during “Back on the Chain Gang”).

That little popped hip? There was much of that happening

Yostal and Suss brought it home with “Desire” and “Too Much Time on My Hands,” respectively. All in all, we had a very good showing at the Pontiac Cafe. I’m sorry for the guys who didn’t get to sing, but if we ever go back, you’re up first.

After the bar closed down, the group dwindled. 10 of us (myself, Will, Trey, Jim, Dennis, Sachin, 289 Matt, JB, Pete and Adrian) headed for the Hollywood Grill, which I was led to believe was a bar. The walk was kind of long and I kept teasing 289 about being short and he kept grabbing my ass.

That 289, what a pimp.

Alas, it was a diner and it did not serve alcohol, so that’s when some of us called it a night. I believe Sachin, Dennis, Trey, Will and I all took off for home. I have no idea what the other 5 ended up doing, but I have seen them all comment on Deadspin since then, so I know they are all alive and well and not in a gutter somewhere. My only regret of the entire weekend is that I did not take a picture of the 10 of us before we grabbed a cab back downtown. This is my group picture from earlier at Schaller’s, right before we left for the game:

Raskol called this the ultimate “yes, no, no, yes, no” picture

Overall, it was an amazing night. All the way back to the hotel Will and I kept talking about how much our expectations were totally blown out of the water. All the guys were cute, sweet, hilarious and kind. I thank all of them for a great time. This post can’t even do the Pants Party justice because how do you convey the humor of the cellophane-packaged rolls? The Mirrored Aviator Shades frat guy? How awesome the band was, especially the drummer? Taylor Hicks singing “Teenage Wasteland?” Anyway, thank you all from the bottom of my heart for an amazing time.

70 thoughts on “Midwest Pants Party: So Many Hotties

  1. I can’t decide was Lady Andrea the 10th wheel inthis sausage party or was she playing the role of the fag hag?

    Regardless, I’m sorry i missed it. By the way, nice legs.

  2. Shave the side-burns?

    Nay! Grow ’em out, down really, & connect at the chin. Amish-style… beard.


  3. I’m with Sarge. Super jealous. Thanks for the recap, Andrea. When is the next Midwest Pants Party? Me and Cinammon are in for sure!

  4. Wonderful recap Andie, next year we just have to make sure the MWPP isn’t on the day of the AP test so I can take the whole day off and not just make it in the nick of time. It was wonderful to meet so many good people.

  5. After the group split at Hollywood Grill, the Pete, Jim, Matt, and myself tried to go to a 4 am bar on the recommendation of our cab driver… and realized it was one of those clubs that guys in jeans and t-shirts don’t get into.

    Wonderful recap, Andie – and it was a pleasure to meet all y’all as well. Everyone was exceptionally cool and it didn’t deteriorate, as Mrs JB* predicted, into a series of “You’re with me, ______” and “Run, you _______, run!” jokes.

    Pete, once again, deserves a rousing round of applause for the organization.

  6. Holy Christ, I look exactly like Pete except I have a poorly-formed Jim Neidhart goatee.

    I can only hope the East Coast Pants Part is as fun.

  7. I bet those boys knocked the bottom out your cooch, didn’t they honey? Having trouble waking this morning? Boom Chicka Bow-Wow.

  8. Standing ovation for Pete for setting it all up.

    Happily, my wife enjoyed herself. I figured I’d have a good time but didn’t know how it would turn out for her, but a quality performance by the Deadspin crew.

  9. As the evidence clearly shows, I wasn’t even the shortest one there by far. Therefore any (sadly forgotten) ass grabbing was deserved.

    And Ohio and Indiana should immediately cease operation as states. You’re worthless.

  10. Yinka, I think we have to meet and have a snobby beer party. And hire that live band to play karaoke wherever we go.

    P.S. I don’t want to post this on Deadspin where I will have to suffer the wrath of Iracane. Thanks to everyone for the compliments about my performance. We all kick ass in different ways; mine is pure, unadulterated rage.

  11. I also just noticed that the dog in the Sox jacket does not appear to have a paw/hand sticking out of his sleeve. Was he copping a squeeze, Andie?

  12. Rask/Yinka – can you send me either email or MySpace messages to let me know how to get you videos of your karaoke performance, please?

    Oh, and I am think Midwest Pants Party 2008 could be a Blackhawks game. Sure, we’re the only Hawks fans on the site it seems, but Deadspin would dominate the UC for the night we were there. We’d probably double the actual attendance.

  13. Since the Pants Party, my thoughts have been dominated by “What would my life be like if I WERE a large black man.” The possibilities are endless.

  14. goathair – there is an option I selected when I uploaded them. I was waiting for everyone to see their own video and give me a thumbs up/down before unleashing them on the world.

  15. GHABB,Y: The NYC Pants Party is going to rock!

    (June 22nd, Shea Stadium, Mets vs. A’s – as if the game matters!)

  16. That crumpling sound you hear?

    It’s my heart breaking into a million little pieces that I couldn’t go to the Pants Party. SO! JEALOUS!

  17. Analrapist, you could be an Office Linebacker. That would be cool.

    Your tag-line could be, “I’m gonna level this twat”… (Also, that effectively gets the Streets stuck in theStarterWife’s head again.)

  18. Wow, it looks like it was an amazing time.

    I’m incredibly jealous yet hopeful for the Austin and/or West Coast Pants Party. The bar has been set pretty high.

  19. Andie – if this is going to be the definitive record of the MWPP, maybe you could add the links to everyone’s flickr photosets at the end of the post?

    JB* – Where did you guys try to go? Tell me it wasn’t the a block away from my apt…

    Also I’m disappointed that I was so drunk and oblivious to everything that I wasn’t able to a) inform people ahead of time that Hollywood was just a diner and not a bar, and b) suggest the slinger as hangover food.

    And as everyone’s already said…it was a ridiculously fun night. Thank you all for attending, and thank you Pete for organizing.

  20. I’m sorry, Koala Bear. Maybe it’s cause it was set to private? I changed it, you can try it now. It’s nothing as exciting as any of the other guys, though.

  21. Andie- your courage is inspiring. I have to say your worst nightmares would have come true in a Miami rendition. Sorry, my home is too Rico Suave for that many “nice” and safe guys to be in one place.

    Nice little set of moves in your video- that singing in the shower does pay off. I would suggest a south beach trip for you Andie and you will have forgotten that Chicago is actually populated.

    Cheers to the Deadspin folk for treating a Ladie so well.

  22. The karaoke video is actually decent. I was hoping for hysterical over-the-top vocals and random screaming. I guess that’ll have to wait until guys start losing the Hot Blogger contest. :-p

  23. Hey, Miami isn´t THAT bad…

    Ok maybe it is. But you just have to choose your spots, like away from most people.

  24. @MattMillen

    Get out of my head. 2 years ago my friends and I dressed up for Halloween as a Cub scout troop. One of our friends went as the scoutmaster and dressed himself to look like an absolute pedophile.

  25. what’s this about Taylor Hicks singing “Baby O’Riley”?

    looks like you kids had fun!

    someday I’ll make it to a bigger party with the pantaloons

  26. what’s this about Taylor Hicks singing “Baba O’Riley”?

    looks like you kids had fun!

    someday I’ll make it to a bigger party with the pantaloons

  27. Awww, it looks like so much fun….Wish i could have been there..now all of you better be at the NYC pants party. I have an apartment that can be used as a crashpad:)

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