Ladies… Look at Touch

Thank God they're not selling this one

MLB’s favorite arm candy Alyssa Milano has designed a new line for MLB, Touch. It’s not like she has anything else to do, right? (Wait, I say arm candy like it’s a bad thing! Who among us wouldn’t want to date Carl Pavano, Barry Zito or Brad Penny?) Ms. Milano knows that as fun as it is to go the park to scope out the hotties, it’s also important for a Lady… to look good doing so.

Join me as I review Touch…

There are five basic items of clothing in the line (if it’s only five, does it qualify as a line? Whatever): a T shirt, a tank top, a a short sleeve hoodie, a long sleeve hoodie, and a pair of jeans. 

We’ll start with the jeans (AKA the ugliest item of clothing):

fug jeans

These jeans are fug. I mean, look at them! They’re certainly no Seven or Paper Denim & Cloth. Those pockets are going to make even the smallest ass look wide. These jeans scream Jersey mall rat (and I know me some Jersey mall rats!). They retail for $64.99 (or $40 more than I would pay for them if I didn’t find them hideous).

Alyssa...

This is the rhinestone foil v-neck top (sounds like something a 63 year-old would wear to a buffet in Vegas) is actually kind of cute. Of course, if you’re going to wear this to the ballpark, you better keep the accessories simple. And you need a little makeup to balance the glitz. This tee is better for a night game, especially one where you’ll be bar-hopping afterwards (for example, the Deadspin East Coast Pants Party, on Friday, June 22nd, at Shea – just sayin’). I think our resident Cards fan would look fabulous in this tee. (And I really like the Mets version.) This top sells for $49.99.

Alyssa, again

Here’s the tank top. What I like: the simplicity of the front – nice clean design, just the logo (in the team’s colors and no bullshit pink), and it has a shelf bra! Good job on that. What I don’t like: I’m not crazy about the criss-cross straps. I think the top would’ve been better without the net of straps. It makes the top look tacky. This top sells for $29.99, which is okay.

More Alyssa

This was my favorite item: the short sleeve French terry hoodie. I love the blue that they use for the Mets version. It would look so good with a ribbed tank top and khaki shorts. Or with some dark rinse jeans (not the ones above!). I think I’m buying this (to wear to the East Coast Pants Party on June 22nd at Shea – what?!). Although I think it’s a bit pricey, at $49.99.

Jesus Christ, Alyssa, could you have found another model?!

This would be cute if she had a tank top on underneath (I know most male and lesbian readers just disagreed with me). I like the colors used, and the design. It looks like it’d fit a woman’s curves nicely, instead of the hoodies that seem to be designed to cover any signs of being female. Guys, you like to see our female signs, no? This hoodie sells at $49.99.

And since I’m covering clothes, I may as well share my favorite tee shirt by Soft As A Grape:

It looks like a plain tee with the Mets logo, you say? That’s exactly why I like it. No pink (blech), no busy patterns, just the logo, on a great-fitting white tee. It’s classic and it was cheap – $22.99. And they have it for most, if not all, teams (and no, I’m not going back to the Modell’s page to look it up).

All in all, I like the idea of MLB trying to reach out to more female fans through cute clothes – and thankfully, there is no bullshit pink. However, we don’t really need glitz for the ballpark. All we ask for are well-cut clothes, that don’t swallow up our curves, in our team’s colors.

Is that too much to ask for?

Oh, and the Touch line is only available for fans of the following teams: Angels, Athletics, Cardinals, Cubs, Dodgers, Giants, Mets, Red Sox, Reds, Tigers, and Yankees. The rest of you? Well, to hell with y’all. You’re a fan of a team Alyssa doesn’t care about.

[Alyssa Milano debuts clothing line]

57 thoughts on “Ladies… Look at Touch

  1. The only time pink is OK is if it’s going to a charity. Other than that, I want to slap women who wear them.

    I like the Cards shirt except for the rhinestone. I just cannot bring myself to wear anything with rhinestones on them.

  2. Like: the foil top (thanks for the shout-out Metsy), the hoodies

    Dislike: the trashy tank top

    Can’t wear: the jeans have a 32″ inseam. What the hell is that? Also, they are totally fugly, you’re right.

    Scared by: the NY Yankees poncho from the first picture

    Love: Metschick’s picture

  3. Nothing brings class to the ballpark like a shelf-bra tank with half the back cut out.

    I am in love with the idea of cute clothes for female sports fans that actually come in the teams colors (which would not be pink, marketing geniuses) just not these ones.

  4. Alyssa Milano knows a lot about checking out hotties, which is why in the early 90′s half the the NHL banned her from their locker rooms for stalking too many players.

    Some ok pieces, but Antigua and 5th & Ocean still make the cutest woman’s licensed sports gear.

  5. I’m an Indians fan and they aren’t good enough for her either. Not that I would spend that much money on her clothes anyway.

    Apparently she has to have dated someone on the team to make clothes for them. The only way an Indians one would be made is if she suddenly hooks up with Grady Sizemore (I would then proceed to call her a nasty name and have a heart attack if that happened).

  6. I agree Baba, but its for everything. Anything marketed to a girl which can be given as a gift is ridiculously overpriced.

  7. I don’t understand paying more than $40 for a pair of jeans in general.

    Most of this stuff passes the BS test in the fact that it’s at least in team colors and none of that pinked-out crap. But really, to limit it only to those few teams is bad form.

  8. So, am I the only one who used to enjoy the lovely Teen Steam videos?

    or am I saying too much here?

    The clothes are so-so, the model is worth it. I think i’ve seen better Ladies… designed sportswear. In fact, I bet it can be done.

  9. Am I the only bothered by the first photo, in which that silky thing clearly does not fit her chest properly? I can’t even look at it.

  10. I like: Mets’ breastesses shirt.

    I dislike: Everything else. I think these clothes are just awful, although Alyssa Milano still looks pretty hot.

    And, sidebar, NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Why does the Pants Party East need to be at Shea the night before I have to throw a bridal shower in Woodbridge, VA?!?!

  11. I think the tank top is hot!

    I’m kinda surprised that you ladies don’t like it. The front is nicley downplayed and looks like it is designed well for a ladies figure and the straps at the back, while perhaps a little bit too much, add a bit of feminine sexiness to it.

    And really, how often do you look at someones back for? Oh wait, acutally there are times you might spend a while looking at someones back… but the straps would probably work in that situation…

  12. So. Apparently Alyssa agrees with your comments about the jeans, because she can’t even wear them in her other model photos. Those were awful

  13. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

    Also- I totally ordered the French terry hoodie last week, and am hoping it’s waiting for me when I get home tonight.

  14. When I saw the Mets t-shirt, I thought I had left my 3-D filter on. Then I realized that my computer didn’t have a 3-D filter and decided that I am ready to forgive your team for 1986.

    So, huzzah to your chest-icles, Metschick…huzzah!

  15. See, I like the leggings retro-trend, but only on certain people. Hipsters in Silverlake and Echo Park? Rock ‘on.

    Me? No, not so much.

    (Plus, it is worlds better than the “jeans under your dress” trend of 2003-2005.)

  16. I have no idea what Silverlake and Echo Park are. But I would lump in jeans under the dress with the new leggings under skirts trend. Blech.

    However, this is coming from the girl whose main fashion is jeans and a t-shirt, tennis shoes or flip flops and my Cardinals hat.

  17. I just realized what the blouse-y Mets shirt made me think of… because you know that is who would wear it –

    (Andrea – Silverlake and Echo Park are the hipster havens of LA. Like Williamsburg in Brooklyn.)

  18. Correct me if I’m wrong, correct me if I’m wrong (alright, alright, alright, alright) but havn’t Silverlake & Echo Park been hipster enclaves for much longer than Williamsburg? I thought that Neil Young wrote (& recorded?) “After the Gold Rush” at a house in one of those neighbourhoods… & that was thirty years ago. Thirty years ago, Brooklyn was decrepit & almost all black; hell, even ten years ago (quoth Dirty, “B-b-bed Stuy, dirtiest place to be…”). I don’t even think there were any blipsters (blech… stupid neologism) (& yes, I just wrote gism) there then.

  19. Not that I’d be able to get my wife to wear any of it anyways (though I think progress is being made on making her a Sox fan), but since there’s nothing for the White Sox it looks like it doesn’t matter. I was just happy when I’ve had a few games on so far this year that she recognized that The Punter, Aardsma, Danks, Masset and Sisco weren’t on the team last year. I mean, we did go to at least 13 or 14 games last year, and I had others on TV, but now I know she was paying attention too.

    If anything, I’m shocked that they are making these for the Reds and Tigers. I know for a fact that she could sell plenty of those trashy-ish tanktops to certain elements of Sox fandom. I understand all of the rest of the team choices though (the A’s don’t have the big fan base but Alyssa’s personal past makes it pretty obvious why she threw them in there, no?). Has she dated any Tigers or Reds that I’m not remembering?

    I have no idea why there are jeans in this line. Who the hell wants jeans with a team logo on them? I would think 99.9% of women who want attractive looking teamwear would be pairing their own nice jeans with a teamwear top of some kind. Jeans just seems like overkill. Does any woman want to be the female version of Ronnie Woo-Woo, decked out in Cubs gear from head to toe?

  20. Disco Stu – It depends. For old ‘hipsters’, like my Aunt who is a noted artist and at age 60 still rocks clothes hipper than anything I’ll ever wear, Silverlake is “home of the gays”.

    So if you can interchange “hipsters” and “gays”, then yes. (Echo Park maybe no, depending on how you look at the Latino population.)

    The LA shift of “cool” had been more centered on the Westside, (Santa Monica, Venice, etc), and then shifted to the Eastside not that long ago.

  21. Ah, I see. & your mention of the gays & Latinos gives me a chance to pimp a pretty good film — “Quinceanera”. Saw it at the local art-house about eight months ago, maybe ten, & was impressed. Prolly got overshadowed in the grand scheme by titles like “Little Miss Sunshine” & “Mad Hot Ballroom”, though.

  22. It got points from me for making me hate myself for being white… I thought the application of gentrifying impulses was given a thorough & fair hearing, & it just made me less favourable to it. I don’t mind increasing property values & beautifying an area, but forcing out ALL that gave the neighbourhood the character that drew the gentrifiers is a bit much.

  23. Most European countries have banned models who have starved themselves to become the size Alyssa has achieved for these photos. It looks like she weighs less now than when she and Tony Danza were a thing.

    Back “in the day” (1990) the uniform for the ‘Canadian National Women’s Hockey Team’ was pink. But that got fixed pretty quick. A few weeks ago Team Canada wore retro-pink sweaters during the recent World Cup of Women’s Hockey that were then donated to a breast cancer charity and sold on eBay.

    Shouldn’t there also be a designer line of makeup in our favourite team’s colours? Some kind of non-zit giving paint-your face orange and blue stuff that won’t run when the dude behind you spills his beer all over your head as he’s trying to steal that flyball you just caught out of your hands? You know… the practical stuff.

  24. Where can I find the Mets V-neck shirt. I’m looking everywhere and have absolutely no luck. Can someone help me out?!?! Thanks!!

  25. Pingback: Damaged Tees

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