The Gold Glove celebrates superior fielding. The Silver Slugger recognizes outstanding offense. The Cy Young honors the highest caliber pitching. All distinguished awards, with rich histories and illustrious lists of past winners. But no one has stepped up to honor the real “most valuable” asset in all of baseball: the sweet baseball player asses showcased by those lovely baseball pants.
I’m here to fill that void, with a countdown of the 25 hottest asses in baseball. The butt that tops the list at #1 earns the inaugural Mickey Mantle Award, representing the finest ass to be found inside a pair of major league baseball pants.
First up: #25-21 on the list. We’ll ogle our way through all 25 on the countdown, 5 at a time (ahem). Let’s take a dip into the shallow end of the pool…
#25: Grady Sizemore
Cleveland Indians, CF
Staring out from the cover of SI this week with those beautiful brown eyes (in eye black!), I was almost convinced to rank Grady higher. Almost. But this Award is for the hottest ass, and while Grady’s butt is definitely Top 25 material, I cannot reward him for wearing such loose pants.
#24: Jarrod Saltalamacchia
Atlanta Braves, C
Jarrod is the brand spankin’ new rookie (called up May 2nd) representing’ in the Top 25 for all the new guys in the league. He may be shiny and new, but that ass has been honed for years on the diamond. Welcome to MLB, darlin’ – we’re glad to have you… and your lovely ass.
#23: Barry Zito
San Francisco Giants, P
Z may have downgraded himself from the hottest roster in baseball to the other team across the bay, but his butt is still just as beautiful as ever. He’s also only one of two pitchers to make the list- so his ass should be prized even more. Hot outfielder ass and hot catcher ass are a dime a dozen– but hot pitcher ass is to be treasured.
#22: Ryan Theriot
Chicago Cubs, 2B/SS
Am I allowed to make a “coon-ass” joke here about Louisiana hottie Ryan “The Riot” Theriot? Because if that’s a the type of coon-ass Nick Saban was referring to, it’s no wonder they’re recruited so heavily. Good news for Cubs fans and hottie fans alike: The Riot may soon earn himself a permanent starting slot on the Cubbies’ roster. The view in Wrigley just got a whole lot hotter.
#21: Brad Ausmus
Houston Astros, C
Our second catcher on the list (it’s a recurring theme- catchers develop the sweetest asses from all that crouching down and springing up), Brad is also the only guy from the two Texas teams to make the list. And look at him here, all coy- don’t be shy, Brad. Don’t hide your light under a bushel, baby- let it shine!