Weekly Rankings: Mother-effin’ Snakes at the Top

1^st: Arizona Diamondbacks at 18-7. I keep waiting for this to drop off, but it hasn’t. Arizona is the only team in the majors over .700. They’re on pace to win 116 games. And considering the rest of the National League West, where no team is over .500 other than the Dbacks, that isn’t out of the realm of possibility. They already have a SIX GAME lead. Even if that only keeps up by 50%, they are going to have a 18 game lead by the end of the season. Yikes.

Stephen Drew. So much hotter than his brother.
And he can actually play baseball.

2^nd: Chicago Cubs at 16-9. Cubs schmubs. The Showdown in The Lou starts Friday.

3^rd: Oakland Athletics, Los Angeles Angels, and St. Louis Cardinals at 16-10. The Athletics and the Angels start a 3-game series today in Los Angeles. I’ll be interested to see how that shakes out. The Cards can hopefully take 3 from the Reds before the Cubs come to town.

6^th: Florida Marlins at 15-10. The Florida Marlins have a 1.5 game lead in the NL East. Umm…what?

7^th: Chicago White Sox at 14-10. The White Sox have a 2.5 game lead in the AL Central. I know it’s early but a 2.5 game lead at the end of April is pretty decent. Last week I said, “The White Sox are about to host 3 games with the Yankees and then 4 with the Orioles. That will be very telling about whether or not they are legit.” They’ve gone 3-3 so far, so…jury’s still out.

8^th: Tampa Bay Rays, Baltimore Orioles and Milwaukee Brewers at 14-11. The Rays and Orioles are starting to look like they are going to be pesky all season in the AL East. Hopefully that means no Wild Card for that division and maybe a division winner who is NOT from Boston or New York. That’d be sweet. The Brewers are about to take on the Cubs for 3 games. Everybody ready? ME-TE-OR! ME-TE-OR! ME-TE-OR!

Matt Garza may have a huge ERA, but he sure is pretty.

11^th: Boston Red Sox at 15-12. They have a six-game home stand with Toronto and Tampa Bay. They have the potential to really take control of the division but personally I hope the AL East just stays a giant hot mess all season long.

12^th: New York Mets at 13-11. Getting to floss their teeth with the sinewy shreds of the Pirates for 3 games oughta help them out…before they go get their clocks cleaned for 3 games by the Dbacks.

13^th: Philadelphia Phillies at 14-12. Last week I said this about the Phillies, “about to go on a fairly easy road trip to Colorado, Milwaukee and Pittsburgh. By next week’s rankings they should be 14-12.” I’m psychic, y’all! If I don’t find a job soon, I’ll go be a gypsy fortune teller.

14^th: New York Yankees at 13-13. I just realized we don’t have another Yankees/Red Sox fellatio fest until 4^th of July weekend! YAW-HOO!

15^th: Cleveland Indians, Atlanta Braves and Los Angeles Dodgers at 12-13. Cleveland needs to take some games from Seattle and Kansas City before the division gets away from them and CC Sabathia gets recruited to play d-line for the Browns. Atlanta is 4^th in their division and I just can’t think of anything good to say. The Dodgers just tapped the Rockies for 3 games, but have to go on the road against The Buzzsaw that is the Florida Marlins.

18^th: Houston Astros and Seattle Mariners at 12-14. Houston should be 11-15, Jason Isringhausen. If the Mariners can just stay afloat during their six-game road trip, they can then feast upon the lowly Rangers for four games. Here’s hoping, Seamen.

20^th: Kansas City Royals and Minnesota Twins at 11-14. Speaking of feasting upon the Rangers, the Royals could jump right back in the hunt if they can take 3 in Arlington. The Twins are most likely going to drop right off the radar after 5 games against the White Sox in the next two weeks.

At least the Royals have Brian Bannister…

22^nd: Cincinnati Reds, Detroit Tigers, Toronto Blue Jays, and San Francisco Giants at 11-15. 1. Prepare to be dominated by the Cardinals, Cincinnati. 2. Detroit is only 11-9 after their 0-6 start. If they really want to make a go of it, they’re gonna need to do better. Luckily Cutie Granderson is back. 3. The Blue Jays went 1-6 over the last week to fall to last place. But they do have Rolen back in their lineup and he’s hitting .364 with a homer and 4 RBIs in his first 3 games back. Maybe he’ll give ‘em the spark they need. In a weird symmetry, Rolen hit his first homer on the same day Glaus hit his first homer for St. Louis. Creepy. 4. I don’t care about the Giants.

26^th: Pittsburgh Pirates and Colorado Rockies at 10-15. I am surprised by one and unsurprised by the other. Wanna guess which is which?

28^th: San Diego Padres at 10-16. They went 1-6 over the last week. Way to go, Fathers.

29^th: Washington Nationals and Texas Rangers at 9-17. Hey, the Nats have some company down in the cellar.