How Not to Throw A Superbowl Party

(Ed. note – I passed out last night after a post-op Vicodin, leaving open my laptop with the framework of this post up. TheStarterboyfriend, not realizing when I am asleep he’s allowed to clock out from his nursing duties, jumped in with the funny commentary. Thanks TSB! You’re like a magical, 6’3, spinning-gold-from-straw elf!)

‘Tis the time of year for everyone around you to suddenly start caring about football. Where even the casual observer (“Hey! Wasn’t there a Manning in a Superbowl just a couple years ago? What a coincidence!”) becomes a veritable Bob Costas-like conflagration of football idioms and statistics. And somehow, some way you wind up partying with these people, listening to them espouse moronic sports anecdotes, figuring you can suck it up for a few hours because, hey, that 60″ LCD HD TV is totally worth it.

But this year, more so than in the Bowls of yesteryear, we here at Ladies… are telling you now– BEWARE!

When I opened up this month’s issue of Real Simple magazine (I like the recipes!), to my horror I discovered the above glossy photo and accompanying text telling would-be party hosts the “fun” of creating coasters from Astroturf (TM)! Or festooning the living room with cute potted plants and plastic football arrangements! How festive!

After I finished retching, I realized that the Superbowl has suddenly gone “chic”. It appears that Real Simple, in conspiracy with many other websites I discovered, want to take away the grease-soaked, beer-saturated Day of Hedonism we all love. And God help you should your well-meaning, though incredibly misinformed friends, decide to follow any of this advice. So as a possible forewarning to everyone, here are some of the more disturbing things being suggested to do during the Superbowl this year:

Real Simple’s guide to team beers – Colt 45 for Colts fans? St. Pauli Girl for Vikings fans?

From EHow -

Decorate the house in the colors of the team you’re rooting for. If one of the teams playing is “your” team, put on all your paraphernalia.
If you’re going to have guests who are rooting for different teams, establish an imaginary line (or for fun, “draw” one with masking tape) down the center of the room. Decorate each side in one team’s colors.

Since this is a weekend, you may want to set up a kids’ room in the back of the house that’s stocked with treats, games, a TV and VCR.

VCR?! VCR!!! What? Are these kids stuck perpetually in 1985? I dare you to put a VCR in front of a child between the ages of 9-15 and see if they even know how to operate it. Also, here’s an addendum to that idea– draw a line with masking tape down the middle of your room. On one side will be the people who are giggling at the same E-Trade commercials from the 1st quarter and loudly discussing the merits of Tom Brady’s butt. On the other side will be people having fun.

From About.com -

Play football charades.

Divide your guests into teams and give each team five word cards that you’ve prepared in advance. Everyone takes turns trying to get their team to guess the football related word that they’re acting out. The team that guesses the most words wins. Use a timer to keep the game from running into the next quarter. Here are several possible words for your game:

  1. cheerleader
  2. helmet
  3. football
  4. touchdown
  5. referree
  6. coach
  7. team
  8. field goal
  9. beer
  10. buffalo wings

Bonus points for acting out “Phil Simms is a Douchebag” or “Fuck Da Eagles” or “Tony Saragoosa Eating His Own Weight in Dog Biscuits”.

And -

Balloons!
This one is easy and is played at the start and after the game is over. You pick team colors for balloons and in one set of each team colors, you place a slip of paper in each balloon. (Hint: mix up the teams inside the balloons, so people don’t know which team is in the balloons.) At the end of the game, each person pops a balloon. The person who pops the balloon with the slip of paper that has the total score or winning team gets the good prizes, and the losing one gets to clean the kitchen, or what ever you deem as the booby prize. You write things like “Holding, personal foul, penalty take out the garbage.” Of course the penalty is declined if it is the winning team.

I like this one as it acts as decorations, a game, and helps you clean up.

Nothing spells “Good Times” like “Pop a balloon and clean my kitchen!” Also, when did “Holding” become a personal foul? Unless it’s some kind of Troy Aiken post-coital kind of spooning, I see nothing personally befouling here.

From Doc Sports -

XXX
If it’s an adult only party, and make sure you advertise this earlier, but try to have an equal number of men and women at the party and see if you can’t take the rules of strip poker and apply them to the game. “Ooohhh no first down – off they come.” touchdowns will be a true celebration. You might want to suggest a few drinking games before busting this one out.

The very thought of middle-aged swingers using football’s Holiest Day as an excuse to rub each other in baby oil and lay down the rubber sheets is… disturbing. And yes, I realize they don’t mention anything about oil or sex, but you know that’s where it’s going. Don’t look at me that way.

iVillage’s 15 Suggestions for a Healthy Super Bowl Party -

Order pizza without the cheese and ask for extra veggies.
Watch the game while running on your treadmill.

Watch as your guests stream out the door before the National Anthem is finished when they learn all the pizza boxes in the kitchen contain merely warm bread with vegetables.

AskMen.com – no surprise -

Though it seems almost everyone watches the Super Bowl, you simply can’t invite every one. The first way to trim down all the potential guests is to decide what kind of crowd you want: should the dedicated football fans attend, or would you prefer a real party atmosphere and invite the less football-savvy (i.e. women) folk?

We are not aghast or in shock at such an implication. Rather, the Ladies… have decided this year to follow Doc Sports suggestion. But, um, no boys allowed. (Ed. note – Nice move Starterboyfriend. One guy, eight women?)

From TheFunTimesGuide (Located at, guess where? The corner of Good News & Fun Times.)

Make your own yellow penalty flags to throw when a brazen penalty occurs, the ref misses a penalty call, the ref makes a bad call, or for any reason at all! Can you imagine all those yellow flags flying around your party?

I also suggest bringing your own red challenge flag. Throw it liberally and then act irate when people won’t respond to your drunken requests for a replay of the offending penalty. Tip over the punchbowl. Leave for the closest bar with buffalo wings. Repeat as necessary.

Thus, you have been warned. At the slightest suggestion of charades, run like the wind. Popping balloons as halftime hilarity? Sneak out and never look back. Just the mere thought of spending time hanging decorations or preparing anything more taxing than 9-layer dip is driving me to drink.

48 thoughts on “How Not to Throw A Superbowl Party

  1. “OneGuyEightWomen” Isn’t that the name of a blog about house decorating?

    You know what is scary about living here in the hills? No one has Super Bowl Parties. I mean, very few. You’ll see more people psyched about the 500 coming up in a few weeks than a SuperBowl.

    It’s sad, and wrong, and sad and wrong. Then again, I got thrown out of a bar for working the NY Times crossword puzzle during a Steelers Playoff game (and yea, I love the steelers, but I fail life sometimes).

    The Ladies… super bowl party should include every dish featured over the past few weeks, especially the Pizza Loaf.

  2. Please make a note of this moment: I’m speechless.

    I can just imagine the people I watch the Superbowl with every year entering one of these parties, and purposely setting fire to something on their way out, while screaming at the top of their lungs. Almost makes it worth trying. (Insert evil laugh here.)

  3. or would you prefer a real party atmosphere and invite the less football-savvy (i.e. women) folk?

    Because sports are icky. Ew ew ew.

    Seriously, I’m about to go crazy on someone’s ass.

  4. I think we are all missing the point here. The point is located in the balloon popping excerpt, and it is…

    BOOBY PRIZE.

    Give me greasy pizza, real football fans, and bad beer any day. The folks at Real Simple can go shove their Astroturf coasters up their asses.

  5. Note to all women (and men) who think Real Simple’s ideas are good ones: go watch whatever counterprogramming HGTV or Lifetime Movie Network has on and leave us the F*%& alone!

  6. From Real Simple: “Design your table runner to look like a football field; just spread out Con-Tact Chalkboard Contact Paper and draw yard lines with chalk and a ruler. Then leave out the chalk and let your guests strategize their own plays throughout the party.”

    My husband would get into this but I will not be making stupid coasters!

  7. Was the real astroturf Wheat Grass? I realize that players probably do shots of it and all, but I’m pretty sure I’d have my man card revoked for pulling that one at a Super Bowl Party.

    Are TSB and IJMTU two separate people? I’m confused.

    Also, are any of you LA folk (TSW, TSB, Holly, S2N, etc.) going to any of the Garth Brooks shows tomorrow?

  8. If it’s an adult only party, and make sure you advertise this earlier, but try to have an equal number of men and women at the party and see if you can’t take the rules of strip poker and apply them to the game. “Ooohhh no first down – off they come.” touchdowns will be a true celebration. You might want to suggest a few drinking games before busting this one out.

    As much as I love my friends – I DO NOT want to see any of them naked.

    And this is just the Martha Stewart-ization of a Super Bowl Party. Why do you need special decorations or games?

    The three rules to a Super Bowl Party:
    1.Watch the game.
    2. eat greasy food.
    3. drink beer.

    That’s it.

  9. The three rules to a Super Bowl Party:
    1.Watch the game.
    2. eat greasy food.
    3. drink beer.

    That’s it.

    A-men. I have tons of team paraphernalia, but I’d feel weird decorating for a Super Bowl party. Cook up killer quantities of heart-stopping snackage, yes. Hang streamers? Haaayyyyll no.

  10. I used to decorate for the Super Bowl, using my NFL Huddles Print Shop program to make beautifully dot matrixed banners that said “Go LA Rams!”, even though the Rams, um, weren’t ever playing. Damn you Bears/49ers.

  11. I would add a #4 to Metsy list –

    #4 If you are heartbroken that your team lost in the AFC Championship, you’re allowed to be drunk at the start of the game and pass out at the poker table in the third quarter. (Because watching the game without distraction hurts too much.)

    (Or even a divisional game.)

    Doug – TSB is IJMTU. And no we did not go to see Garth Brooks. (Although there is nothing wrong with that.)

  12. No superbowl party is complete without gambling. Nothing big, just $5 squares and strip cards. It keeps the game interesting even if you have no real rooting interest.

  13. Yeahhhh, I don’t do the Superbowl party thing anymore. Not since the time I literally tried to shove the tivo remote down some jackasses throat for blatant overuse.

  14. My limited reserve of domestic ability was spent by early December after a houseguest left behind her copy of Martha Stewart Living and I went on a snowflake cut-out and sugar cookie spree. So I’ll pass on this one but I might be recovered in time for a March Madness Mardi-gras Mingle.

  15. Really, how could the Ravens’ beer be anything but Arrogant Bastard Ale? Though I suppose it’s less apt since Billick got fired. And while I understand my adopted home most commonly connected to Yuengling, wouldn’t Yards (for what I hope is one painfully obvious reason) have been a better choice?

  16. whats the address? Im coming to your superbowl party! Please? Ill bring some hot football fans and as much beer as you can drink??

  17. Will my potted indoor kitty grass suffice? Good grief! It’s the one time of year I want to eat pigs in a blanket.
    Aren’t those the same ‘simpletons’ who suggest cleaning the bathroom mirror with shaving cream to save time??

  18. It’s also interesting that the Real Simple football decorations are all college footballs – cute – and I’d love them for my tailgate – but as LaVar Arrington pointed out on TLC – there are no stripes on an NFL football.

  19. I can’t begin to express my disappointment that this didn’t end with a Foodie on how to prepare fake sugar blood for your homemade Ray Lewis Limo Stabbing cookies.

  20. On a related note, do not make the mistake that I once did in 2004. I thought I was supposed to bring wings for about five people, but when I got there, there were like 15 people. Wings were gone in five minutes, and got so heckled during the first half that I had to go home and watch the wardrobe malfunction and the Pats win on my own. It was terrible, but I’ll never make that mistake again.

  21. I… I… I don’t even know where to start. This is even worse than the “girlie” NFL gear. They publish this crap, and it makes all of us female fans look bad.

  22. Why does “Real Simple” suggest nothing but endlessly complicated ways to entertain?

    Note that men don’t need a version of “Real Simple.” Invite friends; stock beer; order pizza at halftime. Good times!

  23. Real Simple magazine, or, anti-consumerism irony in magazine form.

    As for the strip Superbowl party idea… as a general rule of thumb, I find that it’s best not to inform the missus of which of our friends I’d like to see naked. That’s for the old inner monologue, not a guest list.

  24. Pingback: Mayhem Ensues » Blog Archive » links for 2008-02-05

  25. Pingback: Party ladies | Promotegod

  26. Pingback: Jenna Jameson Birthday Party, Naomi Campbell, Power Dating, Sharapova

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