Southland Conference Panty…Wait? Who?

FunyunsFirst, if you tell the IT department that their new “We block WordPress” policy is stupid, you’re guaranteed to spend the afternoon locked out of your computer. But now I’m home so I can write what I want, and unlike the IT department, I don’t smell like feet, Funyuns, and virginity.

I saw a Hertz commercial that said “Hertz rents Fords and other fine cars”, which is kind of like saying the Southland conference features Stephen F. Austin and other fine colleges. Most of them have admissions standards noted as “least selective”, which means if you don’t bleed on your application, you’re in.

Thanks to IT’s PC cockblock, three of the first round games have already been played but I’m willing to bet that if you live outside of, um, the south…land, not only are the scores new to you but so are the schools. My personal favorite team, the UT-San Antonio Roadrunners, were eliminated from the tournament after they disappeared into a tunnel that the coyote painted onto a rock. Continue reading

Big Sky Hangover – A recap in MSPaint

Congratulations Weber State, you managed to hold on to your 21 point lead and defeat Northern Arizona 88-80.  Your invitation to the Big Dance is now secure.   (Although hand it to the Lumberjacks.  The fought back and came to within in 2 points of tying the game up late in the second half. Pity, because I was kinda rooting for Northern Arizona.) 

So join me and hit Start->Programs->Accessories->Paint.    And we ain’t resizing a thing.

Your winning Hottie MVP –  Juan Pablo Silveria.

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Atlantic Ten Panty Raid

Forget it. I’m not wasting time asking “Why does the Atlantic 10 have fourteen teams?” Twelve of those teams will be in the tournament and half of them are Catholic schools, so I’m ready for some hot Jesuit-on-Jesuit action…and I’m hoping that never shows up as a search term. Grab your fish sticks and take a look at Wednesday’s matchups.

#8 University of Dayton vs. #9 UNC-Charlotte
One of the University of Dayton’s most notable alums is author Erma Bombeck, who wrote a lot of books that were irresistible to women over forty, things with titles like Is it Hot in Here or Is It Just Menopause? or I’m Tied Up But My Fallopian Tubes Aren’t. I’m pretty sure I read both of those while using the bathroom at my aunt’s house. Junior forward Charles Little was named the conference Sixth Man of the Year and will be immortalized in Erma’s next book, You Drive the Lane, I Drive You Wild, But Who’s Driving Me to the Gynecologist?

Christmas Story According to their website, UNCC was named one of two North Carolina universities where students can get an Ivy League education at a state university price”. The site also notes that the majority of campus buildings are now air-conditioned, that the campus has sidewalks, and that the new phone books are here. Suck it, Dartmouth.

Unlike the Ivy Leagues, however, Charlotte is actually good at basketball. Freshman Ian Anderson averages 4.7 points per game, despite shooting his eye out with a bb gun. Ian, you should’ve listened to your mother, your father, your teacher, and Santa. Continue reading

Mountain West Panty Raid – (Thank heavens for Jack in the Box)

BYU Jordan CameronThis post almost killed me.   No hyperbole, no exaggeration, no whining.  God love you if you are a beat reporter covering the Mountain West Conference, because you are made of a stronger mettle than I.   It took me three days to come up with my all hottie MWC team, (I did manage to go work, see a movie, go to the gym, and play too much Wii in that time), but I swear to you I looked at the team rosters SEVERAL DOZENS OF TIMES to come up with five players.

I blame several things -

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A “Hot Men” Sportscaster bracket? A response in two parts: Part One: “Would you do Berman?”

Our first dip into the mailbag! In this edition, we address reader Becky’s suggestion that we do Men’s Sportscaster bracket in a response to the “Would you do…” tourney going on over at The Big Picture.

Since there are eight of us, you can imagine how the responses went. Take it away Becky…

Hey girls, Just had a g-chat w/ Dan Shanoff about something, and wanted to pass it along to you.

Daniel: have you seen that “Would You Do?” Tournament of women of sports TV?Daniel: Well, I thought that it’s time for you to launch your own sports blog, with the “Would You Do?” Tournament of men of sports TV. it would be huge. even if you never posted on the blog again, you would create a sensation.

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Big Sky Panty Raid

We should all thank the Portland State Vikings, (9-7, 18-12, 4th seed), for bringing a stylist to their team photo shoot. Not only do they have some of best looking guys I have ever seen in college sports, but they have some of the best looking photos in college sports. Good job. It became nearly impossible to eliminate any players from their team to make room for anyone from the rest of the league. (Which is really a bad thing, considering that some of the other teams have severe vitamin H-ottie deficiencies .)

Hello, Paul Hafford. Can I get you something? A beer maybe? I love playing Madden football too you know…

Ladies… Please try not to drool too much on yourselves now as we go plundering for a few more Vikings.
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NHL Hotties – Southeast Division All-Stars

Kovy Russian CosmoOne of the hardest aspects of picking a divisional all-star hottie team is… well.  Let’s face it.  Way too many hotties.  Big all-American boys that have been rowdy from birth.  Enough rough and tumble Canadians to make a girl start to say, “eh” at the end of every sentence.  Lots of sweaty, fit, Europeans who maybe don’t speak that much English, but who cares.  This is not a blog about “small talk”.    So let’s get to the hotties.

 

 

Atlanta Thrashers  – Ilya Kovalchuk – Left Wing

“Kovy” to his friends.   I won’t lie.  I spent so much time  reading Russian fan-sites about Kovy, I’ve picked up a fourth language.   Pics of Kovy at Russian MTV, pics of Kovy dealing blackjack, pics of Kovy in every different state of play.  Kovalchuk is the first Russian to ever be taken first overall in the draft in NHL history.  Currently is one of the top ten goal scorers in the league.

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I’m a 2 Handicap, But I’d Still Give Him Strokes

So by now you’ve read this site—quite possibly every day, because we are awesome—and have noticed that it exists to celebrate not only sports, but also the delicious packages of ManCandy that play said sports. Right before we launched the site, all of the writers suggested hott-with-two-t’s athletes for the banner so our site radiated more heat than a defective electric blanket. All of the writers but me…

See, my long-standing athlete crush is a bit odd. Maybe it’s because he’s been alive longer than Alaska’s been a state. Or maybe because he plays a sport that some of you would consider to be a hobby, like cross-stitching, double-dutch, or setting small fires. But I think he’s hot and at least 2 of his 3 former wives would agree with me.

Allow me to preface this post with the confession that, well, I like old guys. Not creepy ‘is that an erection or is it rigor mortis’ old, but old enough to remember when a sport was a sport, when groovin’ was groovin’, when dancing was everything, and Ted Kennedy’s head wasn’t large enough to control the tides. Continue reading