The Best Bracket Ever – The NCAA Tourney Hottie Bracket

It is glorious. It puts all other brackets to shame.  It is the Ladies… Hottie NCAA Tournement Bracket

hottiebracket.jpg

hottiebracket.pdf (Click the PDF for full page download)

If you thought that all the previews and wrap-ups were hot,  wait until you see them all in one place.

Tonight, we drink to J-Money for putting together all of the Ladies selections.

It is, without a doubt, better than we ever imagined it could be.

 

ACC In Progress Panty Raid

Wasn’t it the Full House theme song that started
What ever happened to predictability?
The milkman, the paperboy, or the A-C-C?

Let’s get to it…and we’re starting with my school.

#11 Wake Forest 114
#6 Georgia Tech 112 (2 OT)

Make Out with Me Deacons walk-on Mike Lepore said that his favorite quote by coach Skip Prosser was “Don’t worry about us being good”. That’s something that the Deacons obviously took to heart this season as they teeter on the edge of their first losing season since 1990. Author’s note: I wrote that before the game yesterday, when I was thinking “Fuck it, we’re a football school now” and making out with a newspaper clipping about QB Riley Skinner.

Sophomore guard Harvey Hale scored 21 of his 22 points in overtime to lead the Deacs to a 2OT win over the Yellowjackets. Hale said he chose Wake Forest to “get away from New Mexico”. The Land of Enchantment sometimes called him in the middle of the night, breathing heavily and asking “Hey baby, you want me to make you feel good?”

The Demon Deacon mascot comes from Wake’s previous affiliation with the Baptist church. It is no longer a Baptist college so the students are free to dance, a mixed blessing considering that the campus is predominantly white.

Georgia Tech’s Jeremis Smith scored ten points last night and the author of his bio takes note of Smith’s big hands, big feet, and that his nickname is Big Worm. Jesus, we get it.

Confidential to Jeremis Smith: Call me. Continue reading

Southland Conference Panty…Wait? Who?

FunyunsFirst, if you tell the IT department that their new “We block WordPress” policy is stupid, you’re guaranteed to spend the afternoon locked out of your computer. But now I’m home so I can write what I want, and unlike the IT department, I don’t smell like feet, Funyuns, and virginity.

I saw a Hertz commercial that said “Hertz rents Fords and other fine cars”, which is kind of like saying the Southland conference features Stephen F. Austin and other fine colleges. Most of them have admissions standards noted as “least selective”, which means if you don’t bleed on your application, you’re in.

Thanks to IT’s PC cockblock, three of the first round games have already been played but I’m willing to bet that if you live outside of, um, the south…land, not only are the scores new to you but so are the schools. My personal favorite team, the UT-San Antonio Roadrunners, were eliminated from the tournament after they disappeared into a tunnel that the coyote painted onto a rock. Continue reading

Atlantic Ten Panty Raid

Forget it. I’m not wasting time asking “Why does the Atlantic 10 have fourteen teams?” Twelve of those teams will be in the tournament and half of them are Catholic schools, so I’m ready for some hot Jesuit-on-Jesuit action…and I’m hoping that never shows up as a search term. Grab your fish sticks and take a look at Wednesday’s matchups.

#8 University of Dayton vs. #9 UNC-Charlotte
One of the University of Dayton’s most notable alums is author Erma Bombeck, who wrote a lot of books that were irresistible to women over forty, things with titles like Is it Hot in Here or Is It Just Menopause? or I’m Tied Up But My Fallopian Tubes Aren’t. I’m pretty sure I read both of those while using the bathroom at my aunt’s house. Junior forward Charles Little was named the conference Sixth Man of the Year and will be immortalized in Erma’s next book, You Drive the Lane, I Drive You Wild, But Who’s Driving Me to the Gynecologist?

Christmas Story According to their website, UNCC was named one of two North Carolina universities where students can get an Ivy League education at a state university price”. The site also notes that the majority of campus buildings are now air-conditioned, that the campus has sidewalks, and that the new phone books are here. Suck it, Dartmouth.

Unlike the Ivy Leagues, however, Charlotte is actually good at basketball. Freshman Ian Anderson averages 4.7 points per game, despite shooting his eye out with a bb gun. Ian, you should’ve listened to your mother, your father, your teacher, and Santa. Continue reading

Midcontinent Conference Panty Raid

Oral’s HandsThe actual center of North America is in Rugby, North Dakota. There in the parking lot of a Conoco station you’ll find a fifteen-foot tall rock statue denoting it as, um, the middle of the continent. Just don’t tell that to Tulsa, Oklahoma, home to both this weekend’s Midcontinent Conference Championship and the world’s largest bronze sculpture, a 60 foot tall pair of praying hands. The bronze behemoth was commissioned by televangelist Oral Roberts, outsourced to Mexico, and originally placed in front of his faith-healing center…until it went bankrupt, proving that his prayers for funding (or domestic labor) haven’t exactly been answered. Currently the hands stand at the entrance to Oral Roberts University where they inspire both the student body and countless NBA tattoos.

On to the matchups.

#8 Centenary vs. #1 Oral Roberts

Tiny Centenary College names their sports teams like most places name their restrooms. The men are the Gents, the women are the Ladies, which at least is straightforward. I hate going to cutesy restaurants where I inevitably find myself standing in front of the door, legs crossed and jaw clenched, as I debate whether I’m a Hunter or a Gatherer. Regardless, after the first round of this tournament, you can pretty much flush the Gents’ season too. Continue reading

Where ACC is Pronounced “Ack”.

Shitty Game 2

We can’t all be winners. Just ask Roger Federer’s opponents, Peter O’Toole, or France. So for those of you loser-lovers uninterested in Texas A&M-Texas Texas-Texas A&M (per the Longhorns faithful), Maryland-Duke, or the TCT Praise-A-Thon, I would encourage you to turn your attention to tonight’s stellar Wake Forest-NC State matchup. Both teams are an embarrassing 4-10 in conference play, so this is a game that promises to feature blood, sweat, and more turnovers than a Romanian gymnastics meet. Tipoff’s at 9:00, tears by 9:08.

UPDATE: NC State wins, 73-66.  Don’t worry, Wake.  Tom Petty says that even the losers get lucky sometimes.  Although with a 33% shooting percentage, the Ladies…aren’t sure you could hit our, um, baskets either.

Horizon League Panty Raid

Tonight is the night you’ve all obviously been waiting for. No, not a new episode of Miami Ink although that’s what I’ll be watching, because nothing turns me on like well-muscled men with the potential for hepatitis. But those of you with Sirius satellite radio or a broadband connection (or both, if you like to party) can spend the evening catching the hot first-round action in the Horizon League tournament.

Horizon LogoThe Horizon League, I just learned ten minutes ago, is the home of the number #15 Butler Bulldogs, as well as eight other colleges with incongruous logos and mascot names. The League itself has been crowned with an icon that I know I’ve seen in the yellow pages advertising either a computer training center or a drug treatment facility.

The one thing to consider when filling out your Horizon League bracket (stop snickering…that’s not a joke) is that much like Sigourney Weaver in Copycat, these teams freak the hell out when they leave home. Since the current tournament format was instituted in 2003, the home team has gone 10-2 in the first round. Not only that, but overall this season the road record for the conference is a wretched 41-84. Agoraphobia is a bitch. And so am I for referencing a movie that starred Harry Connick Jr. Continue reading

I’m a 2 Handicap, But I’d Still Give Him Strokes

So by now you’ve read this site—quite possibly every day, because we are awesome—and have noticed that it exists to celebrate not only sports, but also the delicious packages of ManCandy that play said sports. Right before we launched the site, all of the writers suggested hott-with-two-t’s athletes for the banner so our site radiated more heat than a defective electric blanket. All of the writers but me…

See, my long-standing athlete crush is a bit odd. Maybe it’s because he’s been alive longer than Alaska’s been a state. Or maybe because he plays a sport that some of you would consider to be a hobby, like cross-stitching, double-dutch, or setting small fires. But I think he’s hot and at least 2 of his 3 former wives would agree with me.

Allow me to preface this post with the confession that, well, I like old guys. Not creepy ‘is that an erection or is it rigor mortis’ old, but old enough to remember when a sport was a sport, when groovin’ was groovin’, when dancing was everything, and Ted Kennedy’s head wasn’t large enough to control the tides. Continue reading