Your Monday Morning Nightmare

NHL Hotness Preview Numero Trois will be along later this evening. In the meantime…did you catch Sunday Night Football last night? I had my head down working on my NHL post, so I assume they were doing a segment on Favre (well, OBVIOUSLY!) when they started flashing Photoshopped stills of sports legends wearing unis of their respective team’s arch rivals. Bird. Jordan. Elway.

Derek Jeter.

There is not enough wine in the world to erase this horrible, horrible image from my memory.

(via @bubbaprog via @amandarykoff. Really, you guys. You shouldn’t have.)

Five Words.

Dick. Move. Hall. Of. Fame.

Okay, look. I’ve devoted a lot of time and energy into hating the ever-loving hell out of Brett Favre for the monumental screw-job he handed Green Bay fans by first doing the ‘I MAY RETIRE OR I MAY NOT WOULDN’T YOU LIKE TO KNOW’ dance and then the ‘LOLOLOLOL I AM SIGNING WITH YOUR RIVAL’ swan song. I really, really thought there couldn’t possibly be a bigger dick in organized sports than Brett Favre. I mean, the man singlehandedly held up football in Green Bay for a solid three years, and I’m pretty sure Aaron Rodgers still has Favre voodoo dolls in every room of his house.

That said? I’ve never seen an athlete so tone-deaf as to think that a nationally televised hour-long special to announce his free-agency decision smacked of anything beyond rampant egotism. That was horrifying in and of itself.

But a nationally televised hour-long special to break up with his hometown team in the most public manner possible? That’s an unprecedented level of douchebag.

Congratulations, LeBron James. You’re 2010’s entry into the Dick Move Hall of Fame. Good thing I don’t care about basketball.

NFL: I have to root for WHO now?

Do not try to win me over with those abs, Jason. I'm not that kind of girl.

I hate Jason Taylor.

I am a Jets fan, so hating Jason Taylor is as natural as breathing.  Moreover, Jason Taylor has been a Dolphin since 1997, and I have only been a Jets fan since 2002. The Jets have been through 2 GMs, 3 head coaches, 5 starting QBs, and a whole mess of punters in that time — which means hating Jason Taylor has been one of the few consistent things about my Jets fandom.

So you can see how the past week has been a bit difficult for me.

Oh, look! Another lesson in how to train your girlfriend-bot!

So on my commute home, I decided to play around on Twitter, where I stumbled across this gem. How to Get Your Girlfriend Into Sports.

Now, leaving aside that the obvious answer to this time-honored problem of being a sports nut partnered with someone who doesn’t enjoy the old athletic display is to just date someone who likes sports. God, men (and women) of the world, if sports are important enough that you have to condition your partner into liking them, FIND SOMEONE WHO ALREADY LIKES SPORTS. Your partner is not a puppy. Don’t train them like one. God.

Let’s address this nonsense point by point, shall we?

15 Yards for Fugliness: A Photographic Survey of Nike’s New Football Uniforms

Over the last few weekends, Nike has been previewing their latest attempt to “improve” athletic apparel on several premiere NCAA Division I (yeah, that’s what I still call it) football programs.  Now, perhaps these uniforms, designed to be ultra light and form fitting, are functionally a worthy advance, but from a sartorial viewpoint, well, my inner Tim Gunn was making this face. A lot.

A brief survey of some of Nike’s designs after the jump.

Yes, Again: The (Last-Minute) Case For Tim Lincecum

There is a statistically-inclined rant after the jump that I think you all need to hear.

What’s Your Fantasy? The Ladies… talk Fantasy Baseball

Smart move: Drafting Grady Sizemore. Bad Move: Losing your job over it!

So if you’re like me, not only do you love sports, you love fantasy sports, as well.  Personally, I feel like managing a fantasy teams helps me be a better fan.  But that’s a topic for another day.  Today, I’m going to let you in on my drafting strategy.  I know we’re just past the All-Star break, but it’s never a bad time to discuss the make-up of your team and how it came to be.  Now is the time in the season where you take a step back and evaluate your talent. 

It’s make or break time, people!  If you’re looking for the answers to your fantasy team woes, this post may not be the best answer, but I can sure help you with some strategy for the future after the jump.

The Complete Statistical List Of Pitchers More Deserving Of An All-Star Selection Than Tim Wakefield

I am going to take so much flak for this, and you know what? If I cared, then I wouldn’t be writing this post. Good morning. I think I’m going to go take it out on the street while the rain still falls.

Listed with RAR and FIP are all AL pitchers who 1) didn’t make the All-Star team, 2) have BABIPs over .250, and 3) have a greater RAR than Tim Wakefield.

After the jump…

It’s good news/infuriating news day here in Phillies country.

Well, it’s all over, including the shouting. Voting in the Final Vote contest has ended and the results have been tabulated. This year’s All Stars, after days of furious campaigning (more on that later) are Philadelphia center fielder Shane Victorino (and his million kilowatt smile) and Detroit Third Baseman Brandon Inge. (This lady is convinced that Inge is actually thirteen years old and potentially ineligible to work, much less in the Majors, but that is neither here nor there.)

Victorino finished with the greatest amount of votes for any single player in the history of the Final Vote campaign with 15.6 million. (The previous record holder was Evan Longoria with nine million. Once again, the Phillies roll to victory over the Rays. Suck it, Tampa.)