The Ref

Keep your “Pro vs. Con”. Colbert can have his “Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger”. We’re gonna reward points and penalties to people based on their genius decisions and boneheaded moves.

INCOMPLETE PASS: Kentucky Wildcats
UK tries to go long with Billy Donovan, but he’s staying put in Gainesville. An audible to Rick Barnes was also rejected. But it looks like the Sexy Rexy of college bball will just say fuck it, and throw downfield to Billy Clyde Gillispie. Bye, bye Aggies.
[Turf Toe]
CLIPPING: Pittsburgh Pirates
For cutting my Astros’ season off at the knees, only 3 games in. Maybe the ‘Stros need to take a page from the Buccos’ playbook, and pick up some draft strategy tips
[Where Have You Gone, Andy Van Slyke?]
TIMEOUT: Phillies Intro Music
It’s always fascinating to see what major leaguers pick as their batting intro music (“Dirty Laundry” for Pat Burrell is genius) and it gives you some insight into their pesonality, but the songs imagined by the We Should Be GM’s crew are brilliant.
[700 Level] & [We Should Be GMs]
PERSONAL FOUL: Don Imus
For calling the primarily African-American women’s basketball team from Rutgers “nappy-headed hos”. Bonus racist remark: referring to the Tennessee-Rutgers game as the “the jigaboos versus the wannabes”. Classy much?
[Media Matters] via [Loser With Socks]
TOUCHDOWN: Cole Hamels
He may have had a rocky time of it pitching this week, but the guys at Our Book Of Scrap seed him first in their Beer Pong Tournament projections. Chad Johnson gets the 8 seed, and contemplates changing his name to just plain “Ocho”.
[Our Book Of Scrap]

Hottie Hit and Run – Wednesday is for Winners

My new Pirate boyfriend Xavier Nady hit one home run and the go-ahead RBI in last night’s 3-2 win over the Astros.   (In Monday night’s opener, he hit the top of ninth homer that took the game into extra innings that ended with a Pirates 4-2 victory)  OMG WE HAVE THE SAME BIRTHDAY! We could share cake and ice cream!

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Thank you Saint Jesse Owens! March Madness against the KSK Mafia

Sometimes, all you need is the box score…

1 Vesper Lynd – Holly 139  
2 Roger Moore – MMP   121
3 Jaws – UM   118
4 Honey Ryder – Texas Gal 117  
5 M – TheStarterWife 99  
6 Christmas Ape    96
6 Octopussybasket – Flubby   96
8 Kissy Suzuki – Metschick 94  
9 Jinx Johnson  – SA 90  
10 Solitaire – Andie 86  
11 Lousy 20th Amendment – CC   75
12 Sally Ann Rottencrotch – BDD   66
13 Plenty O’Toole – J-Money 57  
       
  Subtotal 682 572
  Minus lowest Ladies Score -57  
  Total 625 572

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1-2-3-4, Get Your Booty on the Dancefloor

Who among us is immune to that damn “Jane Fonda”song? Musically, it’s somewhere between “Barbie Girl” and the Teletubbies theme song but if you’ve heard it, I’ve just guaranteed that it’ll be pingponging around your head while you try to watch House.

We’re down to our Final Four hotties here, so enjoy this week’s bracket. And yeah, sorry about having to create a Jonathan Mitchell-Gator hybrid. You try finding any other pictures of him online.

Four

We Ladies try to be objective (save for our undying desire to cover Bryce Taylor in syrup and devour him like a Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity), but if the Bruins could prevent this from ever happening again, we would certainly appreciate it.

Nightmare Fuel

Now. Work it out. Shake it, little mama. Let me see you do the Jane Fonda.

Winning Over the Dicks – MM with the KSK Mafia – Final Countdown

Sixty-three games will be played in total in this NCAA Tournament. Sixty-three games.

And who wins and loses our bet with the KissingSuzyKolber Mafia comes down to these last three games. Sixty-three. Now three. Why even have the other sixty?

Hey Holly, no pressure here. You and Unsilent Majority are in the lead and the rest of your picks could be difference between Maxi-Pad slippers on KSK, or them peeing with the lid down over here Ladies.

First the standings, and then the breakdown of the Final Four picks.

1 Vesper Lynd – Holly 107  
2 Jaws – UM   102
3 Honey Ryder – Texas Gal 101  
4 Roger Moore – MMP   89
5 M – TheStarterWife 83  
6 Octopussybasket – Flubby   80
6 Christmas Ape    80
8 Kissy Suzuki – Metschick 78  
9 Lousy 20th Amendment – CC   75
10 Jinx Johnson  – SA 74  
11 Solitaire – Andie 70  
12 Sally Ann Rottencrotch – BDD   66
13 Plenty O’Toole – J-Money 57  
       
  Subtotal 570 492
  Minus lowest Ladies Score -57  
  Total 513 492

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Spring Training Report – Non-Baseball Variety

Day 2 : Tampa, Florida – ACC Basketball Championship
@ St. Pete Times Forum

Yeah, I know- with a “Spring Training” title, you’d expect to see pictures of baseball hotties in their sexy baseball unis. Instead, there’s a picture of a basketball arena, which signals that the only pictures you’re going to see will be of gangly dudes in big, loose shorts. Just thank the stars that I’m reporting in on the ACC championship- otherwise, if it was the SEC, you could be faced with pictures of gangly dudes in big, loose shorts with weird alligator-print jerseys.

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Winning Over the Dicks – MM with the KSK Mafia – I forgot what 8 was for

When will I learn that the vodka tonics at Big Wangs, (served in pint glasses), always seem like they don’t have any booze in them but really do?  When will I realize that drinking while watching the Sweet Sixteen games, the Cavs-Knicks game, and the Sabers-Leafs game while talking shop with my guy pals is going to lead to sensory overload?  When will I stop trying to involve strangers in my Bryce Taylor cheers?

When will I feel comfortable with our lead? 

Honey Ryder – Texas Gal 77  
Vesper Lynd – Holly 75  
M – TheStarterWife 75  
Roger Moore – MMP   73
Jaws – UM   70
Lousy 20th Amendment – CC   67
Kissy Suzuki – Metschick 62  
Sally Ann Rottencrotch – BDD   58
Jinx Johnson  – SA 58  
Plenty O’Toole – J-Money 57  
Christmas Ape    56
Octopussybasket – Flubby   56
Solitaire *  – Andie 54  
     
     
Subtotal 458 380
Minus lowest Ladies Score -54  
Total 404 380

Read here for all the dirt on the inital bet and results of the first two rounds.

It’s a Midwest Thang, It’s a Midwest Swang

Both of the Midwest games tonight featured one of the only real underdogs left in the tourney, 5-seed Butler and 7-seed UNLV. Neither one of them came away with a win. Butler looked good at times, but it’s hard to win when you get to shoot 13 free throws and your opponent gets to shoot 28. Why don’t we just crown Florida’s asses and be done with it, eh? Also, I’m so sick of the visage of Joakim Noah that rather than feature a hottie here, I’ll feature a picture that reminds me of Noah. I’m warning you, though, it’s pretty scary.

In the second game of the night, UNLV was down for the majority of the action. However, at the end they pulled within 4 of Oregon and it was close down the stretch, none of which I got to see because effing CBS kept me on the UNC 10-point game over USC.  Dumbasses.  However, this does mean that Bryce Taylor of Oregon advances and he is quite the cutie-patootie. It also means that Oregon becomes the Scrappy Underdog. They are the lowest seed remaining. We have all 4 #1 seeds and 3 of the 4 #2 seeds in the Elite Eight, which is just insane. Go Ducks!  QUACK!  QUACK!  QUACK!  DUCKS FLY TOGETHER!  And here’s some Bryce-peeping:

The West – “Two men enter, one man leaves.”

Kansas, it came down to the final possession against Southern Illinios an you should feel lucky you got out alive.  UCLA, if Pitt would have not blown so many layups and had been closer at the end, you too would be going home.

One of will not be so lucky next game. 

 (Confidential to O’Keefe – I’m glad I picked you as my hottie, even though you only ride the bench.  The scruff you are growing looks good with with your warm-ups.)

You’re 16, You’re Beautiful, and You’re Mine

OK, so the tournament’s two rounds deep and by now your bracket’s a bigger mess than Kirsten Dunst’s smile. Not to worry, little Badgers…the Ladies have a quick fix. Behold our Sweet (Ass) Sixteen, a work of art more timeless than anything ever released by the Franklin Mint (including all 3,500 Princess Diana plates, except for the Magic Eye one), classier than the collectibles from the back page of Parade magazine, and perfect for making out with before you leave for work.

Sweet Ass 16

Click here to download the full-PDF verison.

 

I have already stapled mine to the front door of my refrigerator and oh yeah, I’m taking those Lunchables out of the package one cracker at a time, just so I can prolong my face time with Brian Ligon. And Jamaal Tatum. And you, guy from A&M who never takes your warmups off…except in my head.

Now. Don’t you feel better about being 4% accurate? About being last in your Facebook pool? About eating a tiny slice of ham and tongue kissing a piece of paper? I thought so. Who loves you, baby?

Winning Over the Dicks – MM with the KSK Mafia – Round Two

You can read about the inital bet here and check out the results of the first round, (including the mishap), here.

Ladies, I don’t know about you, but I am worried. Sure we are leading the KSK guys, but this is when brackets always go to poop. A few of us, including myself, have lost at least one of our Final Four Teams. I’ve watched enough basketball this weekend to question every single choice I have ever made. (Including my then high school crush on then Pitt superstar Sean Miller to now Xavier coach Sean Miller.) I just do not feel confident.

Ladies… What have we gotten ourselves into?

1 M – TheStarterWife 51  
2 Honey Ryder – Texas Girl 49  
2 Roger Moore MMP – MMP   49
4 Vesper Lynd – Holly 47  
4 Lousy 20th Amendment – CC   47
6 Jaws – UM    46
7 Sally Ann Rottencrotch – BBD   42
7 Kissy Suzuki – Metschick 42  
7 Jinx Johnson – SA 42  
10 Plenty O’Toole – J-Money 41  
11 Christmas Ape    40
12 Solitaire  – Andie 38  
13 Octopussybasket – flubby   32
       
  Subtotal 310 256
  Minus lowest Ladies Score -38  
  Total 272 256

I Was There: North Carolina-Michigan State

Beads OK, first, I didn’t go to Michigan State. But I would rather eat a bag of aquarium gravel than cheer for UNC, so yesterday I was all “Go Green! Go White!” all the time, even though my entire family was decked out in a shade of blue that they call “Carolina ” while I defer to J.Crew’s description of “Rich Peri” in a sad attempt to feel better about the tees I just ordered.

MaskThere were about 10,000 other unique snowflakes rocking the light blue, since the game was in Winston-Salem which is only about five Cracker Barrels away from Chapel Hill. From all the seersucker, the Topsiders, and men named Worthington Fenimore Tartarcontrol “Whitey” Textilemill, it was obviously a Tarheel crowd.

We got to our seats right when Carolina was warming up and Tyler “They Call Me Psycho T Because I’m Real Psycho and T is my Favorite Color” Hansbrough was alternately taking jumpers and fidgeting with his mask. I tried to get chants of “Cher’s Your Mom” and “Eric Stoltz” started but they didn’t catch on. I like to think that maybe it was just too early. Continue reading

The West – Not so wild

 

Resident Ladies Hottie and Missouri Conference Player of the year, Jamaal Tatum, scored 21 points in Southern Illinois 63-48 over Virginia Tech.  Dreadlocks, always sexy.

 

  • Apparently the idea that Michael Jordan was in the house was enough to inspire Kansas to trounce Kentucky 88-76.  I would like to formally ask Sir Air to become the Jayhawks’ #1 groupie and follow around Kansas through next weekend. 
  • In a defensive struggle that you would never see in the NBA, UCLA managed to outlast Indiana 54-49. 
  • Despite Pitt blowing a 19-point lead and having the game go into overtime, they were able to hold off VCU 84-79.

For the first time ever, USC and UCLA are in the Sweet Sixteen at the same time.  It is going to be a looooonnnngggg week here in Los Angeles.

Midwest March Sadness

>>The Bulldogs of Butler knocked off the (in my opinion) too-highly seeded Maryland Terrapins yesterday in a close one.

>>I officially LUV Chris Kramer from Purdue. He played his little heart out and is only a freshman. The Yahoo headline is “Gators Get Away.” YEAH, WITH A LOT OF EFFING FOULS! Between the homer officiating and the freakin’ announcers, this game was gross. Purdue almost pulled it off but freaky alien Joakim Noah could not be contained.

>>Wisconsin overcame a 12-point halftime deficit to at least get back in the game, but then promptly coughed it up and lost to the Runnin’ Rebels of UNLV. I am sad to see 2 Big Ten teams go down, that’s my conference.

>>Oregon took on the role of Cinderella-killer, knocking Winthrop out of the tourney and keeping us in fugly uniforms for at least one more game.

East Teams: Looking Pretty Damn Good

Look, if you read Ladies… you’re watching the tournament. And I don’t need to say how fucking good North Carolina and Georgetown look. I didn’t buy into the Georgetown hype, but I am now. And Vandy? Where the hell was this all year? Seriously, where was it? Yeah, you beat Florida, but that was when they were bored with SEC play. Thank you for making me look smart and taking you to get to the Sweet 16. Thank you. Oh yeah, and giving us a good game.

But with winning comes losing and we won’t be seeing Washington State, Boston College (go to hell BC), and Michigan State anymore this year. Aww, that’s too bad because Drew Neitzel’s cute headshot will be put away for the next eight months. See people, yet another reason to hate Carolina.

Drew Neitzel

Oh Drew. I can make things better for you. I can make the pain go away.

UNC 81 Michigan State 61
Georgetown 62 Boston College 55
Vanderbilt 78 Washington State 74 (2OT)

Winning Over the Dicks – MM with the KSK Mafia – Round One – ‘Mistakes Were Made’

First round results of the Ladies… v. KissingSuzyKolber pool 

1 Vesper Lynd – Holly 27  
1 M – TheStarterWife 27  
1 Roger Moore MMP – MMP   27
4 Honey Ryder – Texas Girl 25  
4 Lousy 20th Amendment – CC   25
6 Jinx Johnson – SA 24  
6 Christmas Ape    24
6 Sally Ann Rottencrotch – BBD   24
9 Plenty O’Toole – J-Money 23  
10 Kissy Suzuki – Metschick 22  
10 Jaws – UM    22
12 Solitaire  – Andie 20  
12 Octopussybasket – flubby   20
14 Miss Moneypenny – Clare 0  
       
  Subtotal 168 142
  Minus lowest 2 Ladies Scores -20  
  Total 148 142

Holly and TheStarterWife need to set the record straight!

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The West – Can we look into a ‘Mercy Rule’?

  • Hottie and Patriot League Player of the Year Keith Simmons from Holy Cross was 0-5 from the field and only had 4 free throws in their 51-61 loss to Southern Illinois.   Fun fact: The last time Holy Cross won an NCAA tourney game there were only 48 States.

   Keith, smile when you play to distract the other team.

  • The Wildcats managed to hold on in a close one and beat the Wildcats 67-58.    F-you NCAA for not only matching up team names, but also the team colors.

  • Kansas decided not to mess around this year, (they’ve gone out in the first round the past couple of seasons – destroying my bracket each time), and took Niagara to the woodshed, winning 107-67.

  • In one of the most exciting games of the day, Virginia Tech edged out Illinois 54-52 after being down 10 points with 4 minutes to play. 

Midwest: No Chalky Aftertaste for Winthrop

6 games in the Midwest Region today, so here are the highlights:

UNLV holds off GTech. At one point the Rebels had a 14 pt lead, but only squeaked out the win by 4.
Winthrop takes down Notre Dame, winning their first NCAA game ever. ND tried to make it a game, going on a 20-3 run at one point, but couldn’t finish down the stretch.
Wisconsin goes down by 18 (18!!!) in the first half and comes back to win by 13. That’s a 31-pt swing, which is pretty ridiculous. Texas A&M-CC gets voted back on the island. The tenacious little Badgers and my Hottie Tourney pick Michael Flowers move on to face UNLV in the second round. Look, he’s so cute —->
Oregon survives a scare from 14-seed Miami (OH), and takes their John Deere uniforms to face the larger-than-life Eagles of Winthrop next round.
Purdue and Arizona seesawed for awhile, just like a good 8-9 matchup should. Purdue’s freshman guard and freshman HOTTIE Chris Kramer had 16 <—- pts that included a clutch shot with 2 seconds left on the shot clock that he made from his knees. Indeed.
–At halftime, Florida only had a 5-point lead on Jackson St. They then remembered they are Florida and got out the beatin’ stick.

Look Away, Look Away, Look Away, Dixieland

Our South Region Correspondent has become stranded somewhere down that there way and we wish her a speedy return home. Also, if you hear the opening strains of “Dueling Banjoes,” J-money, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

The first two days in the South region saw all the higher seeds win except 9-seed Xavier. We saw the first OT of the tourney with Creighton/Nevada but Dane Watts’ 220 lbs of HOTNESS could not contain Nevada’s Wolfpack. We also saw Tennessee pour in, at last count, ELEVENTY THOUSAND points. Besides Xavier, Nevada and Tennessee, the round of 32 will also include Ohio State, Virginia, Louisville, Texas A&M and Memphis out of the South.

The West – Was I so drunk I cheered for Duke?

This is why I am not a sports reporter.  It is just too much fun to toss back too many drinks, share some fried snacks, and yell at multiple TVs. (Although I guess for some guy it is considered “reporting”.) I know I watched a lot of basketball, I just don’t quite remember all of it.  

I do know that I was so worried about my bracket that I actually yelled “Laettner shot!” as Duke tried to tie their game against VCU in the final second, thus proving drinking really does impair one’s judgement skills.   Congrats to VCU on their major upset and CAA for turning into the league to talk about come tourney time.

  • Pitt looked like they woke after the end of season slump and handily beat Wright State by 21 points.
  • In they might have been high news- 10 seed Gonzaga lost to 7 seed Indiana.
  • My boys at Weber State lost to UCLA in a 70-42 blow-out, which was beyond painful to watch.  Don’t worry, you’re still the hottest, Juan Pablo.  

East Teams: Loving The Taste of Chalk

Jerel McNeilSix out of the eight games in the regional was played Thursday and all the higher seeds won. Except 9-seed Marquette who lost to 8-seed Michigan State. And let’s be honest, there is no way in hell that’s an upset. Too bad we won’t be seeing Jerel McNeal anymore this season. Stupid opposable thumbs and their injuries. Anyhoo, here are how the six games broke down yesterday:

  • Carolina was given a scare by Eastern Kentucky in the second half when the Colonels pulled within four points, but the Tar Heels pulled away after that eventually winning by 21.
  • Marquette never got in to the game.
  • Boston College let Texas Tech hang around way too much in this game, but in the end they finally took over.
  • Georgetown, Washington State, and Vanderbilt showed Belmont, Oral Roberts, and George Washington exactly how the big boys roll.

Midwest Teams: The Highs Have It

Jason Richards and the Kentucky Villanova Arizona Davidson Wildcats made a valiant stab at pulling the upset. Davidson’s Hottie Tournament Rep Richards played 39 minutes, had 11 points and 7 assists but that could not help Davidson keep their 8-point second-half lead once Stephen Curry’s 30-point smackdown dried up when he fouled out.

Butler’s Bulldogs must’ve had their Wheaties at halftime, because they scored 200% more points in the second half to put away their Monarchy foes of Old Dominion. I really think the problem was due to the fact that Old Dominion’s Hottie Tourney Representative, Frank Hassell, did not play a single minute. Clearly, they were lacking the Hott Factor and that is why they lost. Julian Betko for Butler had the stunning line of 17 minutes, 1 assist, 2 turnovers, 1 steal and 1 foul, but look! Isn’t he cute?

(Five-Day) Hangover: Southeastern Conference

peekaboo.pngWho remembers their AP Psych? You know how if you show a toy or something to a really young kid and cover it up, they’ll think it’s actually gone? They lack the grasp of something called “object permanence”, and it’s why games like peek-a-boo have such an effect up to a certain age. Anyway, as far as I’m concerned, my leaving for vacation on the eve of the SEC tourney means that none of what followed was real. Tennessee did not make another ignominious first-round exit; Florida did not cruise to another title, and Noah was not an unmitigated asshat about it. World without end, amen.

Winning Over the Dicks – March Madness with the KSK Mafia

cavemanMarch Madness manifests itself in many strange and wonderful ways.

A sudden pride in a school that not only did you not attend, but you didn’t even consider it as a “safety”. Days on end of not leaving the sofa. Going from hating Dickie V, to thinking of calling him grandpa, back to cursing his bald head, finally ending at acceptance that you’re both at the same party and since neither one of you are leaving it would be best to just ignore him as much as you can.

The best two parts of the tourney? Rampant gambling in the form of office pools and the endless hours of smack talk.

Which means the Ladies day has come.

We have challenged the the Men of KissingSuzyKolber to participate in a battle of the sexes NCAA tourney pool. Winner gets to take over the loser’s site for the day.

Imagine, a whole day on KSK talking about The Joy Luck Club, our WNBA picks, the hot men of Australian Rules Football, “What the 19th Amendment means to me”, and kicker penises. An entire day without a single homophobic reference. The day we’ve been saving our “How to make slippers out of MaxiPads” post for. A day on KSK where Peyton Manning and Ben Roethlisberger are shown some respect. A beautiful, sweet day that will be.

Our picks don’t matter until tomorrow,  so we have all day to do some trash talking about the KSK Mafia. Let’s see what’s buzzing in the Ladies office…

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Mid-American Conference Hangover

This post is the product of an actual hangover which is so bad, it’s lasted 3 days since the MAC Championship game actually happened. I blame the state of Florida and its lovely beaches and bars, the ACC and its conference championship basketball game (from which I promise to make a full report, pictures and all), and all the baseball players down here for spring training that have distracted me from the computer. Stupid, sexy spring training.


The Miami boys are camera shy…

What a game, though! Possibly the most thrilling finish in a year of thrilling conference finishes, Miami (OH) came from the #4 seed to defeat #1 seeded Toledo in the semis, and then #2 seeded Akron in the championship game on a last second 3-point buzzer beater. I’m so glad I got the chance to use the phrase, “buzzer beater” – so thanks to you, Miami, for that. And if that wasn’t exciting enough, there was the added kerfluffle when Miami had a case of premature celebration, and (after much heated discussion at the officials’ table) .6 seconds were put back on the clock. But Akron couldn’t capitalize on the .6 and Miami got to experience a full-on case of celebration and an automatic bid to the Big Dance.

Congratulations, Redhawks of Miami (OH) – and please don’t hold that whole prejudging your school against me- I have learned the error of my ways.

Big Ten Hangover: A Real Hangover

The plan was to attend Friday’s games, get tons of pictures, come back with exciting stories and watch Iowa make their 4th trip in 7 tries to the finals of the tournament. Somehow, we manage to get our shit together for the Big Ten Tournament. However, we ended up being so bad in our quarterfinal match-up against Purdue that we didn’t even make the NIT. Seriously, as my friend Jebus put it: that’s like being turned down by a hooker. So, no fun stories, no great pictures. Just a helluva real hangover. (That picture came up when I searched for “suicide watch” and it made me laugh really hard).

The Hottie MVP is OSU’s Michael Conley Jr. He’s just a lil’ fella, but he’s a cutie. To the surprise of, well, no one, the Big Ten tourney final was a rematch of Ohio State and Wisconsin. I thought this game would be hotly contested and close the whole way; the regular-season meetings were decided by a total of 4 points. However, OSU handed Wisconsin a huge beat-down and secured themselves a #1 seed. I’ve already shown you the hot guy, so if you’d like to hear more of my thoughts about the NCAA bracket, come on in…. Continue reading

Mountain West Hangover – Tacos for all! (Including you Matt Leinart)

BREAKING NEWS CONNECTION – We just finally put the pieces together and realized BYU Hottie Jordan Cameron’s sister is Brynn Cameron, USC Woman’s basketball player and mother to Matt Leinart’s baby. Thanks to LenBias’s Connection and Lady Andrea for putting that together tonight!

Huzzah! UNLV and BYU gets invited to the NCAA tourney as 7 and 8 seeds! Air Force and San Diego State get to go to the NIT! Tacos for all! (New to the site? Welcome aboard! You can read about BYU’s Jordan Cameron’s love of Jack in the Box tacos here.)

But we’re taking UNLV’s Wendell White as our Hottie MWC MVP, because well… he’s hot and his team won the tourney championship. UNLV was able to snatch the title from outright season-league title holder BYU, (I never got that. Pick one winner. Not two.) in their 78-70 victory.

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