Never mind that it was Easter weekend. Opening Weekend made it more like Christmas Day at the Bee Household, just as I expect it may have been for you this past long weekend. (True story: we spent Sunday morning watching the replay of Yankees-Army at West Point on MLB.tv via Apple TV. And it was glorious.)
While it wasn’t such a great day for my Yankees – and please, let’s all just calm down, alright? – there was so much to celebrate. For one, I was glad to see Francisco Cervelli back in the regular lineup and having a decent outing at the plate, and hearing the Yankee faithful bellowing YOOOOOOOOUUUUK! (Suck it, Boston. He’s OURS now!) For Boston fans, seeing a strong outing from Jon Lester at Yankee Stadium was likely pretty uplifting. Maybe we don’t need to relegate them to the AL East basement just yet.
Here are a few other moments that may have brought a smile to your face:
It rained all day Tuesday in New York, it was cloudy all day Wednesday, and by the time this posts we’ll be in the middle of yet another snowstorm/frozen rainstorm. I really can not deal with talking about sports played on snow and ice today. Let’s look in on spring training again, why don’t we?
In this installment of our weekly exercise in the agony of defeat, we head south to Texas. The heart of the Bible Belt, the home of Matthew McConaughey, Lance Armstrong, George Foreman, Nick Jonas, and the live music capital of the world; if the great fans of these teams can survive the Dust Bowl and bang bang McCoy, they can endure a few more years without championships!
A.k.a. the “Complete MLB Rundown (To The Exclusion Of Everything Else)” edition. Why? Because I can. Yesterday’s scores presented BBC-style for extra hilarity and confusion.
Red Sox 3 – 5 Blue Jays. Sevven sollid innings from Tallet (see what I did there?) provide a lead for Scott Downs to preserve, bringing them back into 2nd place in the mighty AL East. Go Jays!
Marlins 7 – 3 Mets. Tim Redding sucks. Josh Johnson doesn’t. Go Fish!
Braves 2 – 3 Diamondbacks. There are a lot of 3s today. Eric Byrnes finally does something good; namely, driving in the winning run in the 11th. No, wearing awesome socks doesn’t automatically mean that you’ve done something good.
Dodgers 0 – 7 Cubs. Eric Stults fails as Dodgers get shut out for the first time all year. You know, I like the guy, but hey dude, put up or shut up. As in, put up zeros on the scoreboard, or shut the hell up when the reporters interview you and ask why you sucked. Go ahead, say, “I sucked”. David Ortiz did, you can too! Ugh. STULTS. My boy Brent Leach faces 1 batter, records 2 groundouts, because he’s cool like that. Go Dodgers.
Twins 2 – 5 Rays. David Price blah blah blah 11 strikeouts blah blah blah 1st Major League win blah blah blah Free Rick Porcello!
Reds 5 – 9 Brewers. Some dudes hit some home runs.
Tigers 6 – 3 Orioles. Is Luke Scott on steroids? Naw, he’s just in an un-slump.
Astros 4 – 7 Pirates. Hey guys, the Pirates just won another game. Meanwhile, the Astros lost another one and are hopelessly out of contention. Kind of like the Nationals.
Yankees 10 – 5 Indians. Your first double-digit scoring game of the night was notable only for the fact that CC Sabathia gave up runs. I really hate that guy. Oh, and Nick Swisher (perhaps better known simply as AJ Burnett’s new boyfriend) hit a home run. I’m sure they celebrated in an entirely appropriate fashion that didn’t involve ice cream or maple syrup or leather and chains. No, I didn’t just imply that.
Nationals 6 – 9 Phillies. Cole Hamels gets shelled but gets the win anyway. Disgusting. Lidge doesn’t implode, but his ERA is still above 8. Good luck with that, buddy.
White Sox 5 – 3 Royals. Gil Meche gets no love from the bullpen. Which sucks.
Athletics 1 – 14 Rangers. The average Leverage Index for this game was so low that it actually may have caused a Fangraphs implosion. Seriously, check it out:
Padres 7 – 8 Rockies. This game is actually so boring that there’s no proof it happened, so I can’t tell you what happened, although I’m sure if you really want to know you can look it up somewhere.
Mariners 4 – 3 Angels. If you’re a Mariners fan, then Jose Lopez is your saviour. On the other hand, if you’re a Mariners fan, then you probably have bigger problems, including the fact that your #5 starter is actually a vampire. That’s my clever way of saying that I sort of have a crush on Jason Vargas.
Cardinals 6 – 2 Giants. Zito was doing fine until he gave up 3 consecutive doubles in the 7th. Actually, on a team that didn’t epitomize suckitude, he would’ve had an easy shot at winning this game, except that 1) Albert Pujols is on steroids and 2) The Giants suck, ergo, their bullpen sucks, ergo, their starters don’t win unless they pitch complete game shutouts. Except for that one time, but I’m pretty sure that was an accident. Oh, and Albert Pujols did do something good; namely, he struck out looking on a curveball from Zito that came thisclose to making me scream in delight. (I did actually sort of whimper, but the sexual power of a pitch like that is a discussion for another time. Just watch any Roy Halladay start, or a good AJ Burnett start. You’ll understand.)
Some teams are blessed with an overabundance of hotties (I’m looking at you, Oakland). Some teams are cursed with a complete absence of lookers (I’m talking to you, Anaheim).
And then there are the Astros.
The Houston Astros don’t have a ton of fug, they don’t have a ton of heat. They’ve just got a roster full of nice-looking chaps, guys who look like the type you’d take home to meet mom (and who’d remember to bring along some flowers for her). Plus one really, REALLY smoking hot dude.
So rather than post a bunch of bland pictures, I’m gonna post random pictures of all the cuties, doing random things, to keep it interesting. And then I’m gonna give you a whole mess of pictures of the hottie. Deal?
Take a gander at the Gulf Coast boys after the jump…
My love for Biggio started way back in the days when he was a catcher (remember that?). Back in the rainbow-hued Astros times. Back when the games used to be played in the cavernous Astrodome. Back when Mike Scott and Jim Deshaies were on the mound, Ken Caminiti and Glenn Davis and Billy Doran were on the diamond, and Kevin Bass, Billy Hatcher and Eric Anthony roamed the outfield. Back when he got called up to The Show as a fresh-faced kid playing for the Tucson Toros. He is an institution in Houston- he’s played his entire career here (not many ballplayers like that anymore)- revered as a hero, and a guy who tirelessly gives back to the community. For almost my entire life as a baseball fan, he’s been a fixture of baseball in Houston… and you’ll be hard-pressed to find a single person, major leaguer or otherwise, with a bad word to say about him.
Craig and his son Conor (son Cavan in the foreground)
* Brett Favre may look hot in football pants- but I’m betting he looks just as hot in a baseball uni. OK, so technically it’s a softball uni- but still… I get to ogle Brett’s legs in shorts AND help charity at the same time! [It’s a win-win situation]
* New to the big show, hottie Hunter Pence got called up from Triple-A to claim a starting CF spot on the Astros roster this weekend just in time to get some great hits, a fabulous face-first slide… and to be part of a win and a loss to the Brewers. [Better get used to that losing feeling, Hunter]
* Todd Walker, last seen being spurned by the evil Padres, has taken up the company line in Oakland quickly, and is now apparently the A’s number one cheerleader. I think he’s just happy to finally claim his rightful slot on the hottest roster in baseball. [Todd Walker + A’s = Tru Luv 4ever]