So if you’re following me on Twitter, you’ve discovered that I have a bit of an unhealthy obsession with figure skating. (Okay, okay, that’s like saying John Mayer has an obsession with saying spectacularly stupid things in public.)
Given that I hate most girly aspects of sports (pink anything and everything, Ladies Nights, and the existence of Alyssa Milano’s Touch line, to start) like burning, some of the other Ladies…were mildly confused when I started shrieking about toe loops and salchows. I mean, it’s figure skating, right? I should like manly things, like the biathlon and moguls. I should frown on feathers and sequins and Dick Button.
But here’s the thing. I love figure skating. I loooooooove figure skating.
Why? Because during the Olympics, when everything is about pomp and circumstance and tradition and records, figure skating is the one chance to bring the crazy. I dig on the crazy.
I mean, really. Did you see that picture? That’s a picture of a German pairs team dressed up as clowns and skating to Sondheim’s ‘Send in the Clowns.’ Germans! Clowns! Sondheim! I’m pretty sure that’s an avant-garde film.
When figure skating brings the crazy, it brings the crazy. Is hockey going to bring the awesome that is What Would Brian Boitano Make? Would cross country skiing bring you something as epically comedic as Be Good, Johnny Weir? No, no, it would not. The most the moguls give us is a silver medalist that made millions on a spam e-mail empire. That’s practically boring.
The best part of Olympic figure skating is, and will always be, the costumes. We had clowns. We had some kind of floofy Smurf/seaweed combo. We had some inexplicable mixture of Tron and Star Trek. We had…swans.
LOOK AT THAT! The man’s wearing fins on his forearms! There’s a swan growing out of his left hip! It would be phallic, were it not directionally challenged!
Someone better tell Johnny Weir about the swans. I’m pretty sure Camille (Oh, yes, he named his costume) could kick those wimpy swan asses. I mean, they don’t even have a beak-manifested-in-a-glove!
In conclusion, I offer you La Weir’s exhibition skate routine. It’s Johnny Weir skating to Lady Gaga. I’m pretty sure this makes my point for me.