Good morning. Please bear with me as I present you with my ESPN-implosion-inducing All-Star team.
1B (a.k.a Base the First, because I’m feeling medieval tonight): Justin Morneau (MIN). I dislike Mark Teixeira. I dislike Kevin Youkilis. I don’t care about Miguel Cabrera. Justin Morneau is both 1) Canadian, and 2) Totally hot.
Hit the jump for more.
Base the Second: Brian Roberts (BAL). I know I should probably go with Ian Kinsler here, but since I’m madly in love with Roberts, I just… can’t. Plus, have you seen the strange way that Kinsler wears his pants? They’re like 10 sizes too big. You look like Ollie Perez, dude, and that’s not a good thing this year.
Shortstop: Marco! Scutaro! (TOR). Although he appears on the horrifically misguided FOXSports list of the 10 Hottest Players In Baseball, the reasons that I love him are entirely statistical. You see, he’s only swung at 8.6% of pitches outside of the strike zone this season, easily the best in baseball. Observe:
Base the Third: Brandon Inge (DET). I can’t even tell you how much I love this guy. He might be one of my 5 favorite hitters. Yeah, he’s not really that cute. So what. He’s a career +6.5 UZR/150 at third. His .406 wOBA is fifth-best among 3B this season, and his .387 OBP ranks fourth-best (but I call shenanigans on David Wright’s 3B-leading .461 OBP, because his BABIP is .486, which is just absurd. That’s right, I’m straight-up dissing David Wright’s on-base skills. Deal with it.)
Catcher: Joe Mauer (MIN). Okay, so this one’s obvious. Although Jarrod Saltalamacchia (TEX) might be a bit hotter (blasphemy, I know), Mauer has actually been hitting well this season. So he gets the nod… but you have no idea how tempted I was to pick Gregg Zaun (BAL), just for the hell of it. (No, seriously.)
Outfielder the 1st: Jason Bay (BOS). Holy crap, people! I picked someone from a big-market team! Stop the presses!
Outfielder the 2nd: Grady Sizemore (CLE). Because all y’alls would kill me if I didn’t. And plus, his name has a “Z” in it! How cool is that?
Outfielder the 3rd: Travis Snider (TOR). Because I didn’t pick Gregg Zaun to catch, and now I feel like I’m getting boring.
Pitcher, the starting (okay, now this medieval thing is just getting silly): Roy Halladay! (TOR). Because he’s the best pitcher in all of baseball and everyone should know it. (Calling shenanigans on Johan Santana and his lower sIP/GS).
Leave your complaints in the comments, please.