Bad Baseball Beards: The True Threat to our National Pastime

Oh, Jayson. No.

Dear Major League Baseball Players,

We need to talk.

I know we all like to make fun of the old school owners who forbid facial hair, and most of you can probably recite the relevant parts of The Simpsons‘ softball episode by heart.  The baseball season is long, and  required uniforms can make it hard to find an outlet for personal expressions of style other than your hair.  (Or so I’m told by friends who went to Catholic school.)

Still, this beard thing is out of control this season. Minda tried to warn you last year that things were getting a little too scruffy in the chin region, but did you listen?

Jason Motte. I think he has a face under all that, but I can't be sure.

No. No, you did not.

Now, I am not saying all of you have to be perfectly clean-shaven for every game.  It’s a long season, and sometimes you have a night game that goes to extra innings and a 1:00 pm start the next day and you just need to cut a few minutes out of your routine.  A little scruff can be appealing, actually, as can a neatly groomed beard.  But some of you reported to spring training looking like this:

Ryan Franklin in late February

Then apparently lost your beard trimmer between Arizona and St. Louis.

Franklin last week.

Of course, some of you just showed up to spring training with your beard in mid-season form.

Way to clean up for picture day, Danny Haren.

I just don’t get it, guys. Is there a razor shortage?  Maybe major league clubs are cutting back on their toiletry budget to save money?  I know these tough economic times call for sacrifices, but surely you Red Sox could find a way to save money that doesn’t require us to look at these:

Love the hitting, hate the hair. (TM Crane)

And attention, guys, a beard only on your jawline and neck is not attractive. Plus, that thing’s going to itch like crazy come July.  Corey Hart was smart enough to shave his off recently, but take this as an example of how not to wear a beard.

Sal Fasano, I … I kind of can’t believe a baseball player actually looks like you, but maybe if your moustache wasn’t so cartoonish I could take you seriously.

Seriously? This isn't a new Sacha Baron Cohen character?

But guys, the worst thing about all of these neckbeards and bushman beards and porn staches is that you’re starting to influence the younger players on your teams. Look at what you did to cute Daniel Murphy:

DANNY, NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Thankfully, he has since shaved.  You should do the same.  Before someone else gets hurt.

Much love,
Games Mistress