I’m back with the MLB rankings. The Cardinals have faltered lately, but I’m still delighted at the strength of the NL Central this year. My division isn’t a joke this year! See if you can decipher my code to read the rankings. It’s like a puzzle. You can leave your guesses in the comments if you like.
1. Cordelia: Well, you’ll be okay here. If you hang with me and mine, you’ll be accepted in no time. Of course, we do have to test your coolness factor. You’re from L.A., so you can skip the written, but let’s see. Vamp nail polish?
2. Ross: I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid.
Joey, Chandler: That’s nice.
Ross: No, no, with him. I’m on this field, and they, they hike me the baby. I know I’ve gotta do something ’cause the Tampa Bay defense is comin’ right at me.
Joey: Tampa Bay’s got a terrible team.
Ross: Right, but, it is just me and the baby, so I’m thinkin’ they can take us.
3. Larry Fisher: Hey, kid! How’d you like to play for the Chicago Cubs?
Henry Rowengartner: Great! But I gotta ask my mom first.
4. Eddie: Can I ask you something? Do you know where Harvard is?
A.J.: It’s near Boston.
Eddie: No I mean, do you really know where Harvard is? It’s another planet man- another universe. Totally unlike the one we know. Filled with big blond guys who eat ivy and row boats.
5. Malone: Ah, don’t waste my time with that bullshit. Where you from, Stone?
George Stone: I’m from the south side.
6. Alice Cooper: Well, I’m a regular visitor here, but Milwaukee has certainly had its share of visitors. The French missionaries and explorers began visiting here in the late 16th century.
Pete: Hey, isn’t “Milwaukee” an Indian name?
Alice Cooper: Yes, Pete, it is. In fact , it’s pronounced “mill-e-wah-que” which is Algonquin for “the good land.”
Wayne Campbell: I was not aware of that.
7. Carrie: Miranda was a huge fan of the Yankees. I was a huge fan of being anywhere you could smoke and drink at two in the afternoon without judgment.
8. Ariel Truax: Heterosexual or homosexual?
John Gustafson: Geez Louise!
Ariel Truax: Well, it’s a perfectly legitimate question.
John Gustafson: Well, maybe in California, but here in Minnesota… Who-ho-ho-ho!
9. Charlie Wheeler: First, I have to see the Met!
Joey: Ok, let me stop you right there, the Mets suck. You wanna see the Yankees!
Charlie Wheeler: No not the Mets, the Met, singular.
Joey: Which one, they all suck!
Charlie Wheeler: The museum.
10. Del: I guess this is probably a good time as any to tell you this. Our tickets are only good to St. Louis. St. Louis to Chi-town is booked tighter than Tom Thumb’s ass.
11. FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper: Diane, 11:30 a.m., February Twenty-fourth. Entering the town of Twin Peaks, five miles south of the Canadian border, twelve miles west of the state line. I’ve never seen so many trees in my life. As W. C. Fields would say, I’d rather be here than Philadelphia.
12. Troy: Let’s see. From eight to nine, we brainstormed on how to overthrow Kim Jong Il. From nine to ten, we deleted the records of the black voters of Florida. So after that was all donkey shows.
13. Bartlet: “After it, therefore because of it.” It means one thing follows the other, therefore it was caused by the other. But it’s not always true. In fact it’s hardly ever true. We did not lose Texas because of the hat joke. Do you know when we lost Texas?
C.J. Cregg: When you learned to speak Latin?
Bartlet: Go figure.
14. Kobayashi: Get your rest, Gentlemen. The boat will be ready for you on Friday. If I see you or any of your friends before then, Miss. Finneran will find herself the victim of a most gruesome violation before she dies. As will your father, Mr. Hockney. and your Uncle Randall in Arizona, Mr. Kint. I might only castrate Mr. McManus’ nephew, David. Do I make myself clear?
15. Data: Hey any of you guys ever hear of Detroit?
Mouth: Sointenly! Where Motown started. It’s also got the highest murder rate in the country.
Data: Well, let me tell you what. That’s where we’re going when we lose the house tomorrow.
Mikey: You shut up about that stuff, it’ll never happen. My dad will fix it.
Brandon: Yeah sure he will. If he gets his next 400 paychecks by tomorrow afternoon.
Mikey: That’s wrong Brand! It won’t happen.
16. Raoul Duke: In some circles, the Mint 400 is a far far better thing than the Super Bowl, the Kentucky Derby, and the lower Oakland roller derby finals all rolled into one.
17. U.S. President: I want to say to Prime Minister MacDonald: Surrender her pronto, or we’ll level Toronto.
18. Missy: I transferred from Los Angeles, your school has no gymnastics team, this is a last resort!
19. Raymond: I get my boxer shorts at K-Mart in Cincinnati.
20. Wade “Cry-Baby” Walker: Grandmother, Uncle Belvedere, you’ve made me the happiest juvenile delinquent in Baltimore! And guess what? I met a girl!
21. Julia: Marjorie, that Suzanne was not just any Miss Georgia, she was the Miss Georgia. She didn’t twirl just a baton, that baton was on fire. And when she threw that baton into the air, it flew higher, further, faster than any baton has ever flown before, hitting a transformer and showering the darkened arena with sparks! And when it finally did come down, Marjorie, my sister caught that baton, and 12,000 people jumped to their feet for sixteen and one-half minutes of uninterrupted thunderous ovation, as flames illuminated her tear-stained face! And that, Marjorie – just so you will know – and your children will someday know – is the night the lights went out in Georgia!
22. Jim Lovell: Houston, we have a problem.
23. Rita: What about me, Phil? Do you know me too?
Phil: I know all about you. You like producing, but you hope for more than Channel 9 Pittsburgh.
Rita: Well, everyone knows that!
Phil: You like boats, but not the ocean. You go to a lake in the summer with your family up in the mountains. There’s a long wooden dock and a boathouse with boards missing from the roof, and a place you used to crawl underneath to be alone. You’re a sucker for French poetry and rhinestones. You’re very generous. You’re kind to strangers and children, and when you stand in the snow you look like an angel.
24. Ms. Garrison: Now Marjorine, that’s not very lady-like. Us Colorado girls love to get pounded in the snizz just like any woman but we keep it to ourselves.
25. Kathryn: “Why I Plan to Wait” by Annette Hargrove, Kansas City, Kansas. Jesus Christ, is she for real?
26. Quint: On Thursday morning, Chief, I bumped into a friend of mine, Herbie Robinson from Cleveland. Baseball player. Boatswain’s mate. I thought he was asleep. I reached over to wake him up. Bobbed up, down in the water just like a kinda top. Upended. Well, he’d been bitten in half below the waist.
27. David Kantor: In 1971, after the breakup of the Main Street Singers, Chuck Wiseman moved up to San Francisco where she started a retail business with his brothers Howard and Dell, the Three Wisemen’s Sex Emporium. It was very successful for a year until they were sued over something having to do with a box of ben wah balls.
28. Mitch Martin: True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend…
29. Cher: So, this flannel thing. Is that a nod to the crispy Seattle weather, or are you just trying to stay warm in front of the refrigerator?
30. Wadsworth: And monkey brains, although popular in Cantonese cuisine, is not often to be found in Washington D.C