It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

Because, you know, this wasn’t painful enough.

Will Dimitar Berbatov ever actually go anywhere? Is Thierry Henry about to break my little United-hating heart? Wouldn’t it be awesome if Diouf spat on Keano?

A brief rundown of done deals and transfers that may never actually happen after the jump…

(Hateful) Rumours

Thierry Henry to Manchester United

Once upon a time — um, last week — I was beginning to feel emotions scarily similar to sympathy for Man Untited, if only for the weird-ness that the Ronaldo/Real saga was turning into. Now, I have this special rumour to thank for returning me to my rightful state of ‘god, United is SOO douchy’. I’m home bitterness, I’m home!

[ Dame’s note: There’s no way this can actually happen right? I’d need approximately 10 zillion tubs of ice cream to get over it if it did. And um, as much as I love my Titi, Fergie can’t possibly be this stupid.]

Cesc Fabregas to Real Madrid/Barca/Hleb’s loving arms

So many people need to just shove a sock in it right now. Hleb, mostly, but it’s looking more and more like Fabgregas needs to shut his sexy little yap as well. Also, getting back to training and the hell out from under the wing of the ‘OMG we wonnnnn!!!!’ Spain wagon may be a good idea.

[Dame’s note: While Cesc likely won’t leave this summer, if Arsenal don’t bag at least one trophy this season, he’ll probably be headed for the door next time round. It’s feeling slightly inevitable at this point. We’ve heard the Real/Barca ‘maybe one day’ quotes — and subsequent back-tracking — far too many times.]

Louis Saha to PSG/Monaco/Sunderland

I remember being really excited about Saha a while back and then all of a sudden, I forgot he was still alive. What happened to this guy?

[Dame’s note: Time to go.]

Xtina to Real Madrid

The latest hilarity to come out of this situation is Fergie coming out and saying the club has got some sort of chaperon following Cristiano around in LA. The crap UK tabloids then followed up with suggestions that this special United chaperon was walking in on Cristiano’s multiple hoochie-sessions in LA.

[Dame’s note: Real have backed off apparently. Perhaps after realizing that there are other people who play football aside from Ronaldo. I read they’re trying to pick up Van der Vaart. He should go great with Van Horseface.]

Dimitar Berbatov to Manchester United

Here’s a rumour that’s gone deafeningly silent over the last few. Spurs are looking to squeeze something like £38m out of Man U which Fergie’s simply not having. Another season at the Lane for Berba?

[Dame’s note: SNORRRREEE.]

Dah-veed Villa to Spurs

The emo striker’s agent is talking again, ya’ll: ‘David likes London and likes how Tottenham play with Juande Ramos [the manager]. This is a club that excites him.’

[Dame’s note: Valencia needs money. Pony up more cayash than Real and you’ve got your boy. Cue Blatter’s slavery drivel.]

Andy Johnson to Fulham

As of tomorrow morning this will likely be a done deal. The Guardian says that Fulham may end up paying the moronic amount of £13m for this man. To put that in perspective: Spurs signed Gio dos Santos for around £5m; Nasri cost Arsenal £12m earlier this summer.

[Dame’s note: This is dumb. End of convo.]

Done deals

El-Hadji Diouf to Sunderland
Fee: £2.5m

Sorry but can anyone think of Diouf and not have their mind immediately float to that fabulous ‘Diouf spitting at an 11 year old’ story? I think it’d be pretty fun if Diouf tried to pull the old spit-er-roo on Roy Keane, don’t you? For that reason alone, I vote yes to this transfer.

[Dame’s note: The man is probably ecstatic at the prospect of not having to wear the wreck that is Bolton’s home shirt next season. Well done, Keano.]

Robbie Keane to Liverpool
Fee: £20.3m

After half a century of Liverpool sneaking around and Tottenham crying foul, this saga finally comes to a close. The fancy-pants at White Hart Lane are saying that since Liverpool have apologized for breaking league rules in their pursuit of Keane, they’re no longer going to take legal action. Instead, Liverpool are going to make a donation to Spurs’ main charity. Levy sounds pretty bitter: ‘I don’t regard it as a transfer deal – that is something which happens between two clubs when they both agree to trade – this is very much an enforced sale […]’

[Dame’s note: Meh. I don’t have very strong feelings for him either way but I suppose you can call this a good signing. Especially when you consider that after Crouch left, Liverpool’s go-to striker would have been Voronin. A frightening thought.]

Sulley Muntari to Inter
Fee: 14m

While Muntari isn’t hot in any sense of the word, I’m going to miss watching this guy. He was pretty amazing with Portsmouth last season — they’ll definitely miss him. Apparently, Harry Redknapp is looking to pick up Shaun Wright-Phillips as his replacement. If that means shorty-Shaun logs more playing minutes, sounds like a good plan to me.

[Dame’s note: So, I guess this means Lampard is officially not going to Inter. In fact, Inter have come out and said that was their last signing. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, I suppose. Barf.]

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