If only the ESPYs had been done MY way…

So the ESPYs came and went Sunday night, and I must say they were quite disappointing. I have been a Justin Timberlake fangirl since my formative years (I’m talking 13) but his song and dance numbers were a little over the top. Is this the MTV awards now? His “I love sports” song was pretty funny, but some of his other moments were just plain awkward. Hugging Aaron Rogers in front of the whole crowd? Aaron was clearly uncomfortable, and well, it really wasn’t that funny. Although, if they had panned to Brett Favre’s disgruntled face, that would have been GOLD. But no, ESPN missed that prime opportunity. Also, note to JT: We get it, you are a Memphis fan and they lost and you are sad and Mario Chalmers crushed your dreams and they sucked at free throws, etc, etc. BUT OMG that joke got reallllly stale after the 3rd reference, and I was about ready to drop dead at the 700th. Get funnier material next time, KThxBai. On top of the whole event itself, some of the awards were total crap! I really think if they could have, they would have given all the awards to the Giants. What did they win like 6? Unacceptable. So here are the awards where I think they got it really right or otally got it wrong, and what my much more awesome and correct choice would have been.

Best Male Athlete– Tiger Woods. Really no argument here. Although Tom Brady was in this category, and I love me some Dreamboat, after that whole SuperBowl disaster he obv can’t win this one over the indestructable Tiger Woods.

Best Team– Boston Celtics. THANK GOD. The one award I was so afraid would go to the stupid Giants, but yet the right team won. The Celtics had the greatest one season turnaround in NBA history and won the NBA Championship. It doesn’t get much better than that.

Best Game– SuperBowl, Giants over Patriots. My Pick: Game 4 NBA Finals, Celtics over Lakers. Yeah Yeah, I know, the run for 19-0 was left hanging at 18 and 1. Ohhh the drama. But I had money on this game, and that money was NOT on the Giants. And it’s not even that I dislike the Giants, but they weren’t better than the Patriots, the Patriots just blew it. Whereas Game 4 of the NBA finals was absolutely riveting for the exact same yet opposite reasons. I wanted the Celtics to win. The Lakers not only crumbled but the Celtics CRUSHED them. Overcoming a 24 point deficit to take the series to 3-1, and eventually on to a National Championship.

Best Championship Moment – Tiger Woods at the U.S. Open. Now it’s really hard to argue this one. Tiger, injured, indestructable. Will Ferrell came up and accepted the award for Tiger as the best athlete of the year, pretending to be Tiger Woods. Actually one of the funnier moments of the show. He said something to the effect of I purposely severed my ACL and broke my own leg just to show you how awesome I am. Which may have actually been true. My other pick for this category would have been Rafa stomping all over Roger Federer to win his 4th French Open title. He did it so easily, it was a pretty clear indiciation that the changing of the guard is imminent. Plus, Rafa is hotter than Tiger. See example below.

Best Upset – SuperBowl, Giants over Patriots. My Pick: Appalachian State over University of Michigan. I just think this game was way more of a shocker. There was a definite possibility that the Patriots would choke under the pressure of 19-0 looming over their heads, and they did. No one saw App State pulling out a win over the then 5th ranked Michigan Wolverines. Best part of this story, App State officially became the other fave team of Ohio State fans. In fact so many orders were put in by Ohio State fans to local App State merchandise retailers that some archaic North Carolina law had to be enforced which allowed only students, alumni or relatives of students or alumni to buy the shirts and have them shipped out of state.

Breakthrough Athlete– Adrian Peterson, Minnesota Vikings. Yeah Adrian Peterson had a really good season, but you know what, I don’t really care about football, so my pick for this award would have been Stephen Curry of the Davidson Men’s Basketball team. Who had ever heard of Davidson before this season? They had an improbable run through the NCAA Tournament, (another George Mason perhaps??) with Curry putting up ridiculous three pointers and scoring 25 or more points every game. It was magical to watch. Plus, he looks like he’s not a day over 12, so half the time he’s playing you are sort of wondering how this middle school kid managed to sneak onto a D-1 men’s basketball team. Unfortunately they lost to that most wretched Kansas team. Sigh.

Record Breaking Performance – Brett Favre. Ugh Brett Favre. You are old. You threw so many touchdown passes because you wouldn’t freaking retire already. And now that you have retired, you want to come back. I’m starting to hate you. My pick for this award? Tom Brady and Randy Moss. Those two were unfreakingbelievable to watch this season. Brady tosses some ridiculous long ball to Moss, who has three defenders clawing into his back, but yet he leaps out of and above their gubby mits to catch the ball, with just one hand mind you, then sidesteps the remaining defenders to run into the endzone. Beauty. I dont even like football and even I could appreciate how awesome these two were. Randy Moss caught a record 22 touchdown passes, and Tom Brady threw a record 50 td passes. Mmmm Dreamboat.

Best Sports Movie – Semi Pro. My pick: Leatherheads. The combined hotness of George Clooney and John Krasinski easily outdid yet another formulaic Will Ferrell comedy. (I’ve never seen it, but I’m sure the movie  goes something like: Funny scenes where Will Ferrell is on top of the world,  bathroom and/or homoerotic humor ensues, some sort of incident happens and Will Ferrell loses everything, plummeting into despair, he then goes on a path of self discovery (boooring) and then he returns to his former glory, although having learned a valuable lesson and perhaps picking up a hot girl along the way and a few more funny scenes to wrap it all up.) For those of you who have seen it, am I close?

Best Male College Athlete – Tim Tebow. My Pick, obv Tyler “future father of my kids” Hansbrough. How did he not win this? I smell conspiracy. Winner of every player of the year award that they give out. Shear excellence wrapped in a gorgeous 6 foot 9 inch package. Plus he happens to play for the best college basketball team in the universe. How did he not win??? What did Tim Tebow do? Heisman, Schmeisman. He’s weird looking. Although, I was watching reruns of the short-lived MTV show, Two-a-Days, about football at some Birmingham Alabama high school, and in their first game of the season they play Tebow and his Nease  (sp?) high school squad. And they beat them. So yeah, moral of this story is that Tebow couldn’t even beat a bunch of kids who were distracted by MTV camera’s filming their every move, hence, Tim Tebow sucks. Double hence, Tyler Hansbrough was the best male college athlete last year (and possibly ever).

Best International Male Star – Rafael Nadal. No complaints. He is an amazing athlete, and from all accounts a pretty stand up guy. He is gracious, his girlfriend is cute and normal looking, he doesn’t dress like a girl despite being European, oh and he’s really, really hot. What’s not to like? I possibly would have voted for Cristiano Ronaldo, because I still love him, but then I saw this pic, and I’m glad I didn’t. Pretty sure this wins the award for most awkward pairing at the ESPYs and for the two players who quite possibly have no idea who the other person is, nor what sport they play. Oh and C-Ron, could you stop with the whole white on white (or off-white) outfits. They are not cute.

Best NBA Player – Kobe Bryant. My Pick: CHRIS FREAKING PAUL. Omg. We here at Ladies… love us some Chris Paul. Look at that smile! Plus look at the way he totally motivated (and at times carried) that Hornets team and revitalized basketball in New Orleans. He deserved this award way more than, Kobe “I cheat on my wife, and can’t carry a championship team without Shaq” Bryant.

Best Male Tennis Player – Roger Federer. BOOOOOOOOOOO. My pick, ovb Rafael Nadal. Now I know that Roger is still technically “the best”. He’s still number one in the world. But he can’t and probably never will win the French Open, and Rafa just pwnd him at Wimbledon. He’s on his way out my friends, and all I can say to that is THANK GOD!

Best Female Tennis Player – Maria Sharapova. Yeah yeah I get it, dudes think she’s hot. Don’t get me wrong, I would probably kick puppies to have legs like hers, but she’s kind of a butterface IMO. The real winner in this categorie should have been Ana Ivanovic. She’s number 1 in the world AND I think she’s actually hot. As in I am legimitaley attractive. Not, I’m just the cutest thing to hit tennis since Anna Kournikova so everyone has latched onto me and pretends I’m good looking because I’m tall and blonde.

End Notes: WTF, gorgeous Candace Parker is still dating Sheldon Williams?? Why is she still with that fugly troll?? He looks like a creature from a Star Wars movie! Admiral Ackbar to be precise. (Plus he went to Duke so he inherently sucks) Also, whats with the camera only panning to Tyler Hansbrough ONCE. Ugh, clearly his gritty determination and will to win should have put him on the screen atleast 3 times.

18 thoughts on “If only the ESPYs had been done MY way…

  1. I don’t even know where to start commenting on this. I laughed several times.

    I thought Timberlake was funny. I too would have taken the French Open victory over Tiger at the U.S. Open but that’s probably because I don’t do golf.

    I don’t understand, you think Tim Tebow is funny looking but Tyler Hansbrough is not? Really? There is something a little off about both of them.

    I also think missed something in the best female tennis player category. It does cover the entire past year correct? So then shouldn’t Justine Henin win? Granted yes Ivanovic is number one but only because Henin retired. She was number one when she retired and yeah she wasn’t her best just before she retired but she could have till made the quaters of the French if she would have played.

  2. @ Janalee: Tyler Hansbrough is beauty. And yes I realize that some people may not see him the way I do, but that is irrelevant! Haha. Also, for the tennis thing, I was never a Henin fan and hence was totally okay with her not winning in this category. I don’t think many people were Henin fans, so she wasn’t winning this category either way.

    @orlandobeck: That, along with her hideous hair, was like the most hilarious part of the show. I love when people look pissed for not winning. Note to Danica, you’re not that great. You’ve only won one race. You are just a cute girl so dudes like you, that doesn’t mean you are good enough to garner ESPY votes.

  3. I saw Semipro once. I don’t think Jackie Moon was ever really “on-top”.

    [bathroom and/or homoerotic humor ensues] I think the team wore eyeliner either as eye black or to look intimidating and it ended up burning their eyes… I think one guy was comfortable wearing it

    [some sort of incident happens and Will Ferrell loses everything, plummeting into despair, he then goes on a path of self discovery]… the team gets a chance to get incorporated into the NBA but even though they’re on their way to accomplishing what they were told they’d have to do, they find out there won’t be the chance to get in even if they win the amount of games they were told they’d have to.. some of the teammates have moments of self-discovery

    [and then he returns to his former glory] Jackie Moon finds his true calling

    [although having learned a valuable lesson and perhaps picking up a hot girl along the way and a few more funny scenes to wrap it all up.]… I don’t remember.

    One of the main sources of humor was the crude language.

  4. Note to our beloved commentors:

    I hate that I even have to say this, because this place is usually great and we’ve had surprisingly few problems with people coming on here and being ridiculous. But if you are going to post a comment which threatens violence or other hatred towards the Ladies or fellow commentors, then your comment is going to be deleted. We don’t have a strict policy here, mostly because I dont think we’ve ever had to, but if you are going to come on this site and tell people to put a gun to their heads and kill themselves, just know that your comment is going to be taken down. We don’t want to have to police people on this site, and dont feel like expressing your opinion (even if its negative) is going to mean your comments get deleted, but ridiculous violent assholeness might.

  5. haaaaaahhahahahahahahahahahhahahah

    now that is ONE sad xcuse for an article…

    the ESPY awards are awarded based on performance in sports…not how athletes LOOK…..r u CRAZY???

    and watz wit the last comment from christina? wat the hell is she talking about?
    ooo yeah by the looks of it christina has deleted a comment that probably contradicted her silly immature views……now datz pathetic,lady…..people will say what they want to say…just like you did….and you know damn well that deleting our comments off ur page just coz u dont like them doesnt change what people think of u and ur crummy article…

    get a life SUCKER!

  6. whiz500, feel free to disagree with or dislike any article here. And feel free to SAY that you disagree with or dislike an article. But don’t go threatening violence to people who do like this site. What got deleted was just someone taking their disagreement a little too far, and being violent. That’s it.

    Your comment won’t be deleted, because (like Christina said) we have no interest in policing anyone or squashing anyone’s opinion. Just be civilized, is all we ask.

  7. “Whiz,” is that what you call yourself? Here’s the thing, dear. When you call people immature, crazy and lacking a life, you should do things like:
    A) show that you have a fifth grade education, and spell correctly.
    B) Write coherently-unless the voices are telling you to do something differently.
    C) Not spend most of your weekend commenting on a blog you think is awful.

  8. The hilarious bit has to be the ‘get a life SUCKER!’ part. Rich advice when it’s coming from someone who spends theirs leaving multiple indecipherable comments on blogs like this.

  9. god how annoying is JT? he got grating around 2003 and now is just utterly unbearable. and Best Upset should have definately gone to Fresno State, so many hot guys, so many close games, so fantastic a run. I love them Dogs!

  10. and yes Hansbrough is a Greek God but probably the most hated player in college basketball, that’s what happens when you are white and good and play for UNC or Duke……

  11. Tebow & Hansbrough are both male beauties!! Tim Tebow is the perfect man. That sweet face on that studly body. Timmy’s charisma and gentleness off the fiield are just iceing on the cake of this perfect man. As for Tyler Hansbrough. Hes also very sweet and holesome. The “boy next door” type. And the way he slammed dunked that giant (kenny george) is a big turn on. A white boy who can slam a giant and with good looks. I would defintly have his children!!

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