Michael Beasley Looks Better Horizontal, Or, The Only Draft Preview You Need

What? Don’t look at me like that. He does.

No, it's okay, Mike. You don't have to get up...

It’s that time of year again, kids – the best time of year for nineteen-to-twenty-two-year-old tall-skinny-hottie watching. That’s right. The 2008 NBA draft is tonight, and I’m here to guide you through it, player by player (but not pick by pick, because then I’m always wrong). So, here it is: Your absolutely objective, totally informed, journalistically integritous draft preview, courtesy of your friends here at the Ladies.

Michael Beasley, 6’9″ PF, Kansas State
Michael Beasley may not be picked first. Depending on Pat Riley’s mood, he may not even be picked second. But he is going to be the star of this draft. You mark my words. (Either that or he’s going to flame out epically. It’s definitely an either-or situ with this kid.)

Now, I’ve said I have a crush on him, and I do. And considering how many talented college basketball players there are out there, yes, that crush is based more on personality and sleepy eyes than his play – that I freely admit. However, he had the best statistical season of any college basketball player in twenty years, and his talent is undeniable. Overrated he’s not. A sure thing? Well…that’s a different story.

And hot? You know my opinion on that.

Derrick Rose, 6’3″ PG, Memphis
Derrick Rose, Derrick Rose. Memphis point guard Derrick Rose. Everyone is high on Chris Paul lately (just ask us Ladies!). From the old guard of Nash and Kidd to superlative-laden youth like Paul and Williams, point guards are back in style these days. But something nobody seems to realize, or at least to mention in these discussions of “franchise point guards”, is this: there’s only one Chris Paul. Just ask Deron Williams. I have seen Chris Paul, Derrick Rose. And you, sir, are no Chris Paul.

Derrick Rose is a very, very good player. He was very good on a very good Memphis team, and a good point guard is no doubt a valuable thing. But, as DocSports said, if Derrick Rose went to K-State and Michael Beasley played at Memphis, would we be having this discussion at all? I think Derrick Rose will be a very good, solid pro player. I don’t know that he’ll ever be great. Since I do love the Bulls, I hope that he will. But I don’t think he’s what all the sportswriters want him to be.

This is a talented draft class. It does, however, tend towards the oogleh. Case in point: our man Rose. He (like Bease, for that matter) has all the potential in the world to be hot. I mean, he’s got the high cheekbones, the strong jaw, the body, all the shapes are right. But, I mean… I don’t know. Something in his expression is just not pretty.

OJ Mayo, 6’5″ SG, Southern Cal
Something in me always wants to say O HAI! When I see his name. No, I don’t know why. Ovinton J’Anthony: you’d go by OJ too.

I think these “character issues” during the draft – unless they’re code for “got arrested for selling pot to a cop”, of course – are generally massively overstated. Most of the time, a great player would prefer to play than to fuck up. Guys with a lot of talent and desire for the game, like O HAI and Bease, aren’t all that likely to let you down (although they certainly may not be good drivers, Melo). No, it’s the guys from the Jesuit colleges you’ve got to watch out for. Just you wait. Trent Plaisted is going to pull an Andray Blatche, but with an Eddie Murphy twist. When you see the salacious details in the papers, remember: I’m not psychic, just savvy.

Which brings me to the main reason I think O HAI!’s hot: he’s smart. Or, at least, his ACT is –  a 29, the same that I got – which makes me feel a bit…tingly. I mean, yeah, he suffers from slight GregOdenitis – look at him, does he look nineteen to you? – but I’ll forgive a lot for a pretty brain.

Jerryd Bayless, 6’3″ SG, Arizona
Two r’s and a y? Pulling out all the stops there, huh, parents? That’s almost on a par with “Marreese”. Or “Alliysenne”.

I never watched much of Arizona. Please, forgive me for saying this, but I have a cheap TV and their court’s color scheme was absolute murder on it and my eyes – just oranges and reds everywhere, all smeared together, horrendous. I do like me some Bayless, though. He could be the best PG in the draft. He certainly had better stats than Derrick Rose – on, granted, a far worse team. Keep your eye on him. He could surprise you.

Insert a joke about keeping an eye on him for his looks – or not – here.

Brook Lopez, 7’0″ C/F, Stanford
The big fella seems to have fallen on most people’s draft boards. Which is okay with me, really, though I do think he’s a very good player. But I’ve noticed for a long time that everyone seems to overrate one twin, and underrate the other – Brook is not the third best player in the draft, and Robin is not the thirtieth. But I digress.

I watched a lot of Pac-10 play this season, and I am impressed with Brook. He runs the floor lightly and fleetingly, like Bambi, or maybe I’m thinking of Thumper…okay, I swear this isn’t going to turn into a “the Lopez twins like Disney LOL!” type of profile. But really. To put in the clearest frame of reference in my mind, he’s not Al Horford, and shouldn’t go at number three. He’s definitely no Corey Brewer. He’s just a more offensively-polished Joakim Noah, but with less D.

And hot? Uh…not to put too fine a point on it, but to that I say: meh. This here could be his myspace picture.

Russell Westbrook, 6’3″ PG, UCLA
Hmm. Okay college player from UCLA/Duke/UNC ranked highly in mock drafts. Where have I heard that before?

Really, he was good enough to start for UCLA, so he’ll probably be pretty good in the league. For all I know, he could be the next Baron Davis. However, it seems more likely that he’ll be the next Matt Barnes. (I’m so sorry, Matt. I love you. Please get re-signed. Please get your shot back….)

In his favor, on the other hand, is that he is fairly handsome. Just look at that smile! He’s charming, really.

Eric Gordon, 6’3″ SG, Indiana
I want to play volleyball with his head.

I feel bad for him, really. First his coaching situation was AFU. Then it turns out that, though he’s not fat, his neotene skull gives that impression, and teams are more likely to pick him in the teens than in the early lottery, where he belongs. Poor him. Really. My heart bleeds.

He is cuddly, though. He looks like half the pictures in my kindergarten yearbook. Eh, he’ll do well for himself.

Danilo Gallinari, 6’9″ SF, Italia
Why do all Euros have to have the same hair? With the spikes all over? I mean, really. Is that necessary? That’s so not necessary.

I’m not very familiar with his play, and if anyone tells you that they are, they’re probably lying. His mixtape looks impressive, though, so I hope whoever drafted him does not immediately regret it. Although, if he does turn out to be a bust, I hope it’s Milwaukee that takes him. Nothing against Milwaukee; I just take malicious pleasure in Scott Skiles’ misfortune. It’s a sentiment he understands, I’m sure.

Now, Danilo Gallinari is fairly handsome. That may be enough to make up for the “bust” signs written all over him. Right? Physical attractiveness is what matters, am I right? No? Damn. (I’m just amused that he played for “Armani Jeans Milano.” Euroleague: where somewhat amusing irony happens.) Because couture is what the NBA needs right now. Srsly.

Anthony Randolph, 6’10” SF, LSU
I love Tyrus Thomas fiercely, as though he were a little brother – even though, yes, he is both older and taller than I am. I want him to do well and I think that he can, and  that he’s, to use the appropriate clichés, in the wrong system and misunderstood. That said, one Tyrus Thomas is enough. Sorry, Anthony.

Not as cute as Tyrus, neither. Seems nicer, though. Or maybe just skinnier. Really, he is one outstandingly skinny fellow.

Kevin Love, 6’9″ PF, UCLA
Ha! Ha! No.

Joe Alexander, 6’8″SF, West Virginia
The more I learn about Joe Alexander, the more I dig him. I mean, I already kind of wanted to make out with him, but now I really do, you know? He speaks Mandarin fluently and he’s quite possibly the most athletic player in the draft. And he plays all crazy-like. Sign me up, man.

He’s another one lacking consensus, although to a lesser extent than the Hibbert. Me, I want him to go to Portland, because that would give me another excuse to watch them. It’s kind of chilling when one thinks about it. Brandon Roy, with Greg Oden, L’Aldridge , and Joe Alexander in the front court? Eeeugh. The good chills, believe me. And remember, they have four picks in this draft. Something’s going down with them, I can feel it. Or if the Nets take him – that team could be trouble once they drop the dead weight.

Anyway, like I said, I want to grab Joe by his considerable ears and kiss him soundly. But maybe that’s just me.

DJ Augustin, 6’0″ PG, Texas
Everybody else was watching Kevin Durant. Me, I was watching DJ Augustin. I’ve loved this kid for the last two seasons, seriously. Why else would I ever watch Texas play? Rhetorical question – don’t answer that.

DJ plays both older than he is and bigger than he is, both of which are extremely valuable in short, rookie point guards. He reminds me of a shorter, stronger Acie Law IV, which is a considerable compliment considering how hard I was pulling for Acie last year (and how delighted I was that he was drafted by Atlanta). The other guards in the draft are considerably taller than he, which is probably the reason everyone’s forgetting about him. Speaking of short point guards, another analogy is to Taurean Green – the little guy that creates well but maybe shoots more than he should. However, I think DJ’s going to be a very, very good point guard in this league, and that his height will be more of an issue with squawking pundits than it ever will be on the court.

And he’s handsome. I want to take him to meet my parents. And also have sex with him, though one desire is not related to the other. Perhaps I’ve said too much.

Darrell Arthur, 6’9″ PF, Kansas
Still not the prettiest. Like, at all. Talk to me when we get to Mario Chalmers.

Brandon Rush, 6’6″ SF, Kansas
Good player. Strangely underrated, considering that his team won the championship and all, and that usually does wonders for draft position. At 6’6″, he carries that most dreaded label of good players – “tweener” – and that may be why people tend to forget about him. Like me. I forget what he looks like already…

Oh, right! Yeah, he’s pretty handsome.

Roy Hibbert, 7’2″ C, Georgetown
First he was overrated, now he’s an afterthought. What gives? Some have him going as low as the late twenties; others have him as high as twelve. Strange goings-on with this large Hoya.

Maybe they’re all like me – mad because they had Georgetown going to the Final Four based largely on their size, particularly that of Hibbert. What, that was just me that was that dumb? Darn. Well, you know what they say: you can’t teach tall.

Speaking of things you’ve got or you don’t: good looks. I just post the pictures, folks.

Mario Chalmers 6’2″ PG, Kansas

He’s dreamy.

Marreese Speights, 6’10” PF, Florida
First off: DAMN YOU FOR LEAVING, MO. DAMN YOU.

I really do wish he hadn’t declared. Now all Florida’s got is a bunch of skinny, interchangable white shooters, Jai Lucas’ miniature self, and Nick Calathes. We’re starting to look like Duke or some shit, Mo. Why’d you have to go and leave?

I do love Marreese though. He’s a great kid, and his slight hero-worship of Chris Richard as a freshman was really adorable. The big bangers™ have got to stick together, you know, and I, too, wish to someday be as cool as Chris Richard. I just wish he’d stayed a Gator. I’m glad that he’s projected pretty high – with the inside presence he’d provide, Philadelphia at fifteen could get even more exciting, for example – and I understand that a boy must become a man and feed his family and all that. I just wish he’d given it another year, you know? The Gators could have gone far with the team they had with him.

Appearance-wise, he’s always reminded me of a stretched-out Muhammad Ali. Like, Muhammad Gumby. Good pictures are hard to find, but I do think he’s hot, in his way. He’s quite beastly, at least.

Alexis Ajinca, 7’0″ C/F, France
He’s tall. He’s French. He’s probably gregarious. If he and Andris Biedrins wouldn’t be fighting for playing time, they’d be best friends forever.

As far as looks go: eh, he’s no Boris Diaw. But then, who is?

Courtney Lee, 6’5″ SG, Western Kentucky
If your mascot was a red blob that looked like it belonged on a Happy Meal bag, you’d fight to prove yourself, too.

Robin Lopez, 7’0″ C/F, Stanford
Like I said, I think Robin is underrated, and that the difference between the twins is overstated. Robin is the “defensive” twin, you see, while Brook is the “offensive” twin. A very obvious point that I think a lot of sportswriters miss – perhaps they should hang out with more high school players – is that offense is easy to teach and to learn with an athletic player. Everybody wants to score. Defense, on the other hand, is a lot more reliant on mindset, and even great players like Steve Nash and Jason Kidd sometimes never bother to learn to do it well. The defense Robin plays is not just doing his duty – it’s an inherent part of the way he plays, everywhere on the court. I think Robin, if he gets the focus and the anger with which Brook plays, could become the better pro of the two. All he needs is time. And also the ball, on occasion.

And I know this sounds ridiculous, considering they’re identical twins and all, but I think Robin’s better looking. Something in the expression makes him seem a bit less mongoloid than his brother. Vaguely.

Kyle Weaver, 6’5″ PG/SG, Washington State
Kyle Weaver makes me happy. I do wish that Derrick Low hadn’t sacrificed his own draft position by giving Kyle the ball all the time, because I had a big crush on Derrick Low and would have liked to see him in the pros. Alas, it seems it was not to be.

Kyle’s not exactly conventionally hot, but he’s certainly interesting to look at. I think he’s beautiful, but then, I’m biased.

Chris Douglas-Roberts, 6’7″ SG/F, Memphis
I love CDR. Irrationally. Not to a particularly great extent, but yes, irrationally. Maybe it’s because something in my personality makes me root for the sidekick, maybe because he’s a very good player who does his job quietly and efficiently, maybe because he’s just likable. Or maybe it’s because he’s hot.

Man, I’m a bad basketball fan.

Bill Walker, 6’6″ SG/F, Kansas State
Speaking of loving the sidekick, Bill Walker also holds a place in my affections. Shoving towels into his shorts to piss on so he wouldn’t have to leave? That’s some for love of the game shit right there. Disgust? Yes. Respect? Also yes.

That disgusting act aside, I’m very intrigued by Bill Walker. If he hadn’t been eclipsed by Michael Beasley’s ever-lengthening shadow, how much higher in the draft would he have gone? Or how much lower, for that matter? For such a watched player, he seems to be a bit of an unknown quantity. Considering his number alongside the Beast, I’m going to err on the opposite side of caution and say that he could be a sleeper star.

He’s cute, too, in his way. I mean, unless a game taking precedence over personal hygiene is a dealbreaker for you. In which case I can’t help you.

Trent Plaisted, 6’10” PF, BYU
Hookers and blow. Mark my words.