The Dame’s Football Tour o’ Sex: Euro 2008 – Hotness XI – Pt. I

Ouch.

Euro’s still happening.

I’m still watching.

[Dame's note: In fact, I've got one eye on the TV right now. Spain v Russia - 75 minutes in and David Villa's pulled a hat-trick for the Spanish. He skipped straight into the open arms of a grinning Fernando Torres after his third goal. Straight out of a telenovella, I tell you.]

Euro action and the Dame’s Euro Hotness XI after the jump….

So, what happened in Euro this week, you ask?

Well, first, I was made to sit through an opening ceremony that even the Cirque du Soleil wouldn’t have bothered with: people dressed in boxes side-stepping around the pitch, other people dressed in wire costumes waving to the crowd. It was all very bizarre and seemed to go on forever. For a moment, I wondered if it was all a big joke that I didn’t quite get. Maybe the Swiss just have a peculiar sense of humour.

Anyhow, after a few minutes of weirdness, Switzerland v Czech Republic finally kicked off. And as if the funny costumes weren’t enough tragedy for one evening, 44 minutes into the match Switzerland’s Alexander Frei limped off the pitch in tears.

[Dame's note: Later on that night, what Frei seemed to realize the moment it happened was confirmed: he was out of the tournament with a ruptured ligament in his knee. Fabulous. Now everyone can officially write off the Swiss.]

Mr. Please Buy Me Real Madrid and his now completely faceless and nameless Portuguese sidekicks took on Turkey later in the evening. Hair matted with enough hair product to last a normal person a few decades, Cristiano looked a teensy bit self-conscious as the camera panned down the Portuguese starting XI during the anthems. He must have been aware of the zillions of times the commentators were going to say his name before the end of the match — they must’ve set a new record.

On Sunday, Austria lost to a downright lame Croatian side while Lukas Podolski back-stabbed the Polish.

[Dame's note: ...After which Keven Kuranyi and Psycho-Lehmann took off their shirts to reveal the truly annoying vests they were wearing underneath. Shirt removals are no fun when vests are involved. They really should be be banned.]

The Dutch took Italy to school on Monday night, shocking the Italians into a 3-0 defeat. Only the lord knows how the Dutch were finally able to put aside their constant bitchy squabbling to actually play a game of football – regardless, it was a real romping. Granted, the Italians didn’t turn up to play at all — how many times exactly did Luca Toni cock it up in front of the Dutch goal again? — so it’s difficult to tell if the Italians were just totally, completely and disgustingly terrible or if Holland are now looking like the ultimate champs. If I had to put money on either, I’d put it on the latter.

France v Romania is not even worth talking about so I’m not going to bother. It was people just hoofing the ball about and running aimlessly up and down the pitch. I actually shocked myself by sitting through the whole thing. I didn’t watch it live though and I knew the result going into it – I think that made it worse.

Here’s your first Euro Hotness XI:

The Oddly Normal One

Iker Casillas a.k.a. Remember When Becks Used To Touch Him
Team: Spain
Position: Goalkeeper

There’s something not quite right about Iker. Dawning the keeper gloves and standing in goal is supposed to automatically turn you into some some sort of freak and I don’t think I’ve ever seen Iker shove or punch one of his teammates and we rarely ever see him get “overly vocal” with his defenders. Is he really a keeper? I mean really.

[Dame's note: I like my keepers a little more angry so Iker's a bit too mild for my tastes. But that's just me.]

The Kiss Me Lips

John Heitinga a.k.a. A Bit Of Lip-Gloss And We’re Good To Go
Team: Holland
Positon: Right Back

I don’t really know much about Heitinga other than the fact that he is the owner of the third* most prettiest lips in football. Let’s hope he spends a lot his time on the pitch pissed off just so we get to see that pretty pout as often as possible.

[Dame's note: *first prettiest: Freddie Ljungberg; second prettiest: Miguel Torres]

The Long Hair Works For You

Andrea Barzagli a.k.a. I Bet Your Hair Smells Like Roses And Strawberries
Team: Italy
Position: Centre Back

Much like Heitinga, I don’t really know a whole lot of Barzagli either but I’ll tell you what I do know: he has really pretty hair. If there’s anyone that’s going to rock long hair with style it’s going to be Barzalgi. His hair doesn’t look greasy or out of control (looking at you, Carles Puyol) it looks pretty, maintained and oh so touchable.

[Dame's note: When I say that I don't know a whole lot about Barzagli, I'm being quite serious. I've not once ever seen him play for his club (Palermo) and now I hear he's skipping off the Wolfsburg a team that I care even less about. I'll just have to drink in as much as I can now and then dash him aside for another two years, I suppose.]

The It’s Time To Shave Now


Christoph Metzelder a.k.a. Metze
Team: Germany
Position: Centre Back

Cristoph Metzelder has a huge problem. You see, Metze, is a fan of the North American style “play-off beard” or as I like to call it, the Metze Hotness Reducer. At the last World Cup, Metzelder obnoxiously popped up at a press conference and announced that “the beard will only come off when it’s over for us.” I wanted to punch him then and it appears that I’m on track to feeling the exact same emotions this time round. So, if you notice a scruffy looking man playing in the centre of the Germans’ defense this summer see if you can spot the hotness

The So Not Gross-o


Fabio Grosso a.k.a. The Other Fabio
Team: Italy
Postion: Left Back

You probably remember Fabio Grosso from when Italy thieved their last World Cup off France – Fabio slotted in the winning penalty for the Italians. The mysterious left back wasn’t really on my radar before then and he skipped off to Lyon straight after that summer – grew out his hair (let’s just not talk about the braids okay?), picked his nose, whatever. I don’t really know or care. The point is he’s back and I’m going to be paying attention.

The Dutch Man-Child


Ibrahim Afellay a.k.a. Afie
Team: Holland
Postion: Right Midfield

At the grand old age of 22, Ibrahim is being tipped for big things. But the boy’s such a newbie that it’s not likely that he’s going to clock many playing minutes this summer which, is a real shame. Then again, Dutchies are flailing injured all over the place so there is hope. Keep your fingers crossed, girls.

The Doomed


Cesc Fabregas a.k.a. Is Legal Now
Team: Spain
Position: Centre Midfield

This Ladies… favourite is heading into Euro a bit of a doomed man. Anything less then a berth in the final will be seen as a disappointment for the Spanish and now that Cesc’s been handed the number 10 to wear on his shirt, he may end up shouldering most of the blame should they fail. The Spanish press started squabbling about him letting the team down before he even played a single match in the tournament. Don’t they know that hotness like this never let’s you down?

[Dame’s note: And failing is likely, unfortunately. People seem to think that the Spanish are some sort of "favourites" when in fact, they've built a legacy upon screwing up major matches. And bizarrely, Cesc's not been given the start today - call him a super-sub, I suppose. It's all very confusing.]

The He’s Much Better Now


Xabi Alonso a.k.a. Xabi
Team: Spain
Positon: Centre Midfield

Hair issues stopped many ladies (read: me) from fully committing to Xabi until sometime last year when he finally decided to listen to sense and get a decent hair cut. He’s managed build quite a following since then. Want to now the way to tell? Check how pissed the lady fans were when they heard he’s got a baby momma. His lady gave birth to their first child earlier this year and I, for one, was outraged.

The Next One


Ricardo Quaresma a.k.a. Ricky
Team: Portugal
Position: Left Midfield

Ricardo appears to be the next Portuguese baller in a long line of over-tweezed, over-gelled and over-primped men. It’s enough to make you think that there’s some sort of secret Portuguese NT contract that directs all these boys to dump a vat full of hairgel over their heads before their boots hit the grass. Ricky’s one of those ballers who will, very often, cause you to think: I could really fix him up.

The Old Stand-By

Alessandro Del Piero a.k.a. Ale
Team: Italy
Position: Striker

I don’t really get around to watching much Juventus these days. Trezeguet’s constant whinging annoys me (Domenech doesn’t like you, sit down now) and ever since they did the drop down to Serie B, I sort of just lost track of Juve and by way of Juve, Alessandro. It turns out that Ale’s had a weird season with both club and country: he was booted from his club’s starting line-up for a bit and then was left off the Italian side for a few matches. He’s now made his way back into the squad though and, of course, you can never count Ale out of anything, can you? He’s the pin-up of Italian pin-ups** after all, even if I do HATE his bizarro sideburns.

[Dame's note: **Second to Fabio and Luca, of course. But we'll get to Mr. Bust Myself A Week Before, in Pt II. I can't stomach talking about it right now as I'm still wiping away tears.]

The First One


Thierry Henry a.k.a. Titi
Team: France
Position: Striker

Thierry, my first ever footie crush, first came to my attention in 1998 when France went on to win the World Cup. He lit the world (psycho fangirl moment: And my heart. Barf.) on fire that summer with his extreme beauty and talent. The Frenchies also won Euro two years later. It was fun being a France fan then but it’s been a rollercoaster ride ever since. Regardless, Thierry’s been there giving us something really, really hot to look at the whole way through.

[Dame's note: Titi earned his 100th cap for the French last week in a friendly against Columbia. The Frenchies actually had the nerve to boo him. How dare they? I mean would you boo this man? LOOK AT HIM.]

19 thoughts on “The Dame’s Football Tour o’ Sex: Euro 2008 – Hotness XI – Pt. I

  1. What? No C-Ron??? Blasphemy! :) You know how I feel about the other Xtina. He can cover me in hair product any time he chooses!

  2. Haha there are no complaints. I love the tour o sex posts. I’m new to the footie fan club and hence any chance to meet new cute boys is always welcome. I’m in sort of C-Ron obsession mode (with all the dramz and the countless things to read about the Madrid scandal etc) so for me it in unfathomable to see a football post with no Cristiano :)

  3. Del Piero and Grosso should’ve been playing in the game on Monday!!! Grrr… I can’t believe they lost 3-0.

    They pretty boys almost make up for it. GREAT POST! =)

  4. Hair pulling? You bitch! (Are you sure that’s not from a match against Italy?)

    I wouldn’t boo Henry, but maybe it’s French tradition to play through sciatic nerve issues.

  5. Iker yells! I don’t think he’s quite as psycho as Jens (but who is?), but Sid Lowe, the Guardian Spanish league correspondent, habitually refers to Iker and his “Iker Casillas face.” (See here.) Though maybe that’s more glare-y than yelly. Anyway. Yay Euro!

  6. Oh, poo, Amanda. He’s mild. Iker cries. And sure he glares but DOES HE EVER SHOVE PEOPLE? NO. HAS HE EVER TRIED TO PUNCH UP ONE OF OWN TEAMMATES DURING A MATCH. NO.

    He needs to take a few lessons from Boruc, Lehmann and take a look into the Schmeichel and and nutty-Barthez archives.

  7. The best thing about Iker is watching him celebrate when his team scores. THEN he gets yelly.

    There are a few other players that I think deserve a place in the hotness XI, but I will reserve judgement until I see Part II. ;)

  8. Christoph Metzelder is quite lovely… i like the beard, although i’ll admit he needs to trim up a bit on the neck beard part of it. but the glass? that kind of got to me. what’s going on there? “i’ve got this half empty glass… isn’t it sexy? doesn’t it make you want to watch me play football?” wait, maybe it’s half-full…

  9. @ Amanda – ….and he’s crying.
    And come on, no one’s ever gonna be as nutty as Lehmann. — Very true. The bar has been set quite high.

    @ Jen – I love me some Iker pose, I’ll say that – him kneeling on the grass all ‘YESSSSS!!! I winnnn!’

    @ Cosmic Anna – Because then they made him do this with the water.

  10. the italians sure are drama queens…but i will watch them hit the pitch and cry about it anytime. yummm

    i hope i can land a hot football star during my month-long sojourn in the land of pasta in july.

    thanks for another great post!

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