This weekend more or less marked the first 1/3 of the baseball season. The Cubs and the Rays are the only teams at .600 or better. Which makes me want to scream, “Old testament … real wrath-of-God type stuff. Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling! Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes! The dead rising from the grave! Human sacrifice! Dogs and cats, living together…MASS HYSTERIA!”
Ahem. But I am here not to dwell on the success of the Devil’s Team. Or the Rays. [ba dump ching] [Ed’s note: Andrea spent 5 minutes snickering to herself at the cleverness of the previous joke. No, it does not take much.] I am here to bring you the Hotties of the First 1/3 of Play:
Batting Average Hottie, Chipper Jones. Wood “Chipper” Jones leads all players with a smokin’ .405 batting average. The AL leader is Hideki Matsui, but his measley .330 wouldn’t even crack the NL Top 4 plus his melon is enormous. He’s like the freakin’ Elephant Man. Do not want.
Home Run Hotties Chase Utley and Carlos Quentin. Chase (he can *chase* me) leads the NL with 20 homeruns, while the AL runner-up is South Side Hottie Carlos Quentin. (The leader is Josh Hamilton, but he gets his own recognition for RBIs in a moment.)
RBI Hottie Josh Hamilton. His 63 RBIs crushes all the competition, just like he crushes our hearts. Or something.
Walks Hotties Albert Pujols and Jack Cust. These two Patient Patties have wracked up 47 NL and 41 AL walks, respectively. Pujols also leads the league with 14 Intentional Walks, double that of AL leaders Milton Bradley and Raul Ibanez.
Fielding Hottie Jeff Francoeur. This outfielder has started 56 games this season and has a fielding percentage of 1.000. No errors. Well done.
ERA Hotties Cliff Lee and Edison Volquez. The great state of Ohio has the only starting pitchers with sub-2.00 ERAs. Huh.
Wins Hottie Brandon Webb. The Diamondbacks may have cooled off a little, but B-Webb keeps racking up the Ws. He’s at 10, making him the only starting pitcher with double-digit wins. He’s quite the Webb Gem. [Ed.’s note: She snickered some more.]
Strikeouts Hotties Javier Vazquez and Tim Lincecum. Edison Volquez actually leads all pitchers with 83 Ks, but since he’s already been featured we went with the AL leader Vazquez and the NL runner-up Lincecum, who should be able to buy porn and cigarettes any day now!