Many years ago, the Kansas City Royals were no-hit by Jon Lester, and they haven’t won a game since. Wait, that was like 11 days ago but time has dragged by while Royals Nation waits for the team to pull out some kind of non-failure. It’s been a voyage of suckitude not seen since the infamous 19-game losing streak of 2005. You want to know how it feels? I’ll show you:
The team, from the front office all the way down to the bullpen, looks really different than it did three years ago, but the team that’s losing now and the team that lost back then have something in common: creative losses.
I have felt for days on end that my Royals will never win another game. If that holds true, I hope the team can at least keep losing creatively. Tonight’s loss, a pedestrian affair against the Twins, only gets creativity points because it was one of four complete games thrown against the team during the streak. One of those complete games, of course, was the no-hitter thrown by Jon Lester.
Jon Lester pic, just because I can. Smoldering.
On Tuesday night, the team was down 3-0 going into the bottom of the 9th. Joe Nathan came in to wrap it up for the Twins, at which point KC fans would have been justified in shutting off the TV. Nathan is a certified Royal-killer, so even with two runners on base it seemed like a Minnesota victory was assured. Instead, Mark Teahen hit an inside-the-park home run that tied the game. What kind of team could possibly waste a play like that?
You guessed it; the Royals can. They went on to lose that game 4-3, and blew a 5-run lead in the 9th to lose the next night. But if they want to make things really interesting, they’re going to have to find new ways to lose games. Here are some ideas to get them started:
- Take a cue from their AAA team, and split up a game into two days on account of a chemical spill. (Important difference: The triple-A guys won that game)
- Have the entire lineup – not just David DeJesus – break out in hives.
- David DeJesus, sans hives
- Involve the whole family and host a “Royals Wives At the Bat” night.
- Righties bat left-handed and lefties bat right-handed. (Infielder Alberto Callaspo, a switch-hitter, would have to sit.)
- Pick two opposing hitters and cork their bats before the game
- Have some infielders play in the outfie–oh wait, they tried that. (Joe Posnanski on the fly ball that would have given the Royals a victory: “And then Brendan Harris loops a fly ball to right field that looks like it very well could be the third out. David DeJesus should run that down and … wait a minute. David DeJesus is not in right field. No, that’s, um. Ross Gload in right field. Why is Ross Gload in right field?”)
- Have the starting pitcher take a perfect game into extra innings, then give up one run while the offense plates zero.
- Send the batters up in the wrong order. This may be the only way to make opposing pitchers throw fewer pitches to get outs.
- Keep Tony Pena, Jr.‘s robust .160 average in the everyday lineup… Oh. My bad. He is already.
Any other ideas, ladies and gents? The team really needs you; don’t let them down.