The Dame’s Football Tour o’ Sex: Winners

A whole weekend of inconsequential football:

Lyon wins Ligue 1 – Fine. Now give us your youthful Frenchies.

Inter wins Serie A – Didn’t watch. I’m sure Ibra sexed it up in that douchy way he always does.

Real Madrid wins La Liga – Played Levante on Sunday as a mere formality. Every time I see someone lift that cup I’m always appalled by how massive the thing is. Robinho’s pretty arms looked like they were having a bit of trouble lifting the damn thing. I also spotted some budding pretty-ness in Levante’s other keeper, Jordi Codina. Casillas is still hotter, of course.

It’s SOOO big!

More things Arsenal didn’t win along with your Victorious Victoria Day hotties…

Bayern Munich wins the Bundesliga – Bye-bye, Kahn. I’ll miss your flame-haired, madman (not as mad as Jens) ways. Nice to have known you, sir.

Portsmouth wins the FA Cup – Save for the first half hour this thing was a bit of a snore. Kanu’s miss of the century coupled with his eventual winning goal were about all you needed to see. Distin’s run in the second half would’ve been worth talking about had it actually produced something. Instead we’ll just have to leer at his rockin’ bod. Alas.

He wants you to touch him.

On my side of the pond, Columbus’s Schelotto caught a case of dive-like-Drogba circa ’07 at the BMO. None of his antics worked though because my boys leveled with Columbus extending Toronto’s glorious unbeaten streak to five matches.

Today’s also Victoria Day for your girl up north. Also known as May Two-Four: a reference to the copious amounts of beer Canadians will collectively consume on this long weekend. It also means we’ve got an extra good excuse to sit around and drink away the pain of our boys losing out on the (rightfully ours) World Ice Hockey Championship yesterday.

In fact, this post is only getting in the way of my own reckless alcohol consumption.

Victorious Victoria Day Hotties:

The Thinks He’s Better Than You, Knows He’s Better Than You

Zlatan Ibrahimovic a.k.a. Ibra
Team: Inter Milan/Sweden
Position: Striker

Baby-Daddy to a woman who appears to be his granny, Zlatan is a case study in arrogance made sexy. As Nigella Lawson (an underground Chelsea fanatic, apparently – who knew?) once said: ‘it’s very unattractive when men fancy themselves, but I don’t think it counts when they’re foreign.’ So true, girl. Zlatan winds reporters up and that only makes him hotter. Zlatan gloats and it only makes him hotter. Zlatan speaks of himself in third person and it only makes him hotter. Everything that would make a regular dude seem like a douchie only makes Zlatan hotter. He’s superhuman.

[Dame’s note: I suppose I should’ve stuck a photo of Ibra all smiley and high off winning the title here to coincide with the ‘winning’ theme. Meh. Nekkie ballers are better than clothed ballers, I say.]

The I-Don’t-See-It

Sergio Ramos a.k.a. Time to get a haircut
Team: Real Madrid/Spain
Position: Defender

I think I’ve got an issue with long hair in general. Its clouded my judgment so much that I can no longer appreciate any baller with longish hair. This one has a bit of a horseface actually but loads of girls seem to dig him. Where’s the attraction, people? I mean, I can appreciate the bod – very much – but that’s where it stops.

[Dame’s note: Torsten Frings may be the only footballer with hair past his ears that I can hack. Yeah, he’s a bit weird and has sideburns but I don’t care. And Timo Hildebrand. In fact, I think I better officially call dibs on all Germans and Frenchies right now. And Spanish boy-toys. Including Torres. You know, just in case he opts for a haircut between now and Euro. And yes, I do realize this note is longer than the actual entry. I don’t care. It’s May 2-4 and I may or may not be a teensy bit drunk.]

The ‘ME?! Surely, not!’

Luca Toni a.k.a. Italian therefore he whinges
Team: Bayern Munich/Italy
Position: Striker

Every match Luca plays at least ten photos of him doing the ‘OMGZ!! ME?! But I didn’t even touch HIM! Look what HE did!’ gestures hit the interwebz not even an hour later. Like clockwork. He’s Italian though so I suppose diving and complaining (and winning according to the marketing geniuses over at ESPN) are in his blood. All is excused, however. Because he’s hot.

8 thoughts on “The Dame’s Football Tour o’ Sex: Winners

  1. And now The Dame will have to swallow hard and watch MLS for a couple weeks until Euro 2008. Will it kill her? Stay tuned, true believer.

  2. I think “Luca Toni” sounds like some sort of pasta. In that case, I would like some with tomato sauce (I was going to say cream sauce but I’m not that kind of gal).

  3. The Pompey-Cardiff tilt literally put me to sleep. I was woken up by my dog barking at Sulley Muntari – apparently she doesn’t like Ghanians.

  4. @ Tuffy – It all depends on my boys. If Toronto loses my Monday posts are going to turn into boohoo-logs pretty quickly.

    @ Rusty – Okay, I just got an image of Luca naked and swimming in sauce. A bit gross but I can dig it.

    @ BTO – Sulley Muntari IS a dog – he’s one of the fugliest dudes playing. Maybe she recognized her own kind?

  5. Another awesome post from the Dame! I can’t stand MLS. Sergio is Ok – depends on my mood. I think Ibra is the ugliest thing ever though. Things with swager (ahem, Ronaldo…) piss me off.

  6. Ibra’s hotness is exactly like his playing: some times he’s superhot, other times he’s totally atrocious and no-one can understand why he’s even on the pitch. obviously I am contractually obliged to loathe him, as a roma fan. but he kind of earns his arrogance.

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