Whether or not you are statistically inclined, this equation should make a lot of sense:
Facial hair = hot
At first glance, it seems so true. Yes, facial hair is hot, sometimes devastatingly so. But then…sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes grown men can’t figure out how to look in the mirror and see that the things they’ve grown on their chins are making them exponentially less attractive. These grown men, of course, are Major League Baseball players, whose facial hair offenses range from mildly offensive to vomit-inducing. Let’s take a journey down the path of how not to shave your face.
Oh, John Garland…can’t you see that fungus-esque bit you missed when you last shaved?
More offensive psuedobeards after the jump.
Justin Speier, your soul patch pains me too. Life is better without it – try it!
Here’s another all-too-common mistake: The “Floating Goat”
James Shields, if you’re going to grow a goatee, grow the whole thing!
Same goes for you, Brandon Phillips…but yours is also pointy, which makes you look devilish, but not in a good way at all.
Another offending Cincy player – Fransisco Cordero’s goat might leap out and attack someone.
Dioner Navarro is a special case: He has a combination soul patch, floating goat, AND protruding goat for three times the visual unpleasantness!
Gil Meche, I love you and will always root for you (even when your ERA is still sitting well above six), but that triangle thingie you’ve been sporting this season angers me. Just, ewww. And look what you’ve done; you’ve made triangles happen elsewhere in the League:
Matt Garza copies Gil’s triangular ugliness.
Take heed, fellows: Your soul patch is scoring you negative points with the ladies, and is probably affecting your play on the field as well. Take notes from these gents, who know that all it takes to look better (instead of worse) with facial hair is to not shave for a few days. Behold the mighty scruff:
Yes, David Dellucci, high fives for your scruffiness!
Jonny Gomes. Dirt on the uniform, scruff on the face, for what more could we as ladies ask?
James Loney is scruffy too.
All hail Mark Grudzielanek, King of the Scruff!!
And some bonus Grudz, because I’m a KC homer…