Whether or not you are statistically inclined, this equation should make a lot of sense:
Facial hair = hot
At first glance, it seems so true. Yes, facial hair is hot, sometimes devastatingly so. But then…sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes grown men can’t figure out how to look in the mirror and see that the things they’ve grown on their chins are making them exponentially less attractive. These grown men, of course, are Major League Baseball players, whose facial hair offenses range from mildly offensive to vomit-inducing. Let’s take a journey down the path of how not to shave your face.
Oh, John Garland…can’t you see that fungus-esque bit you missed when you last shaved?
More offensive psuedobeards after the jump.
Justin Speier, your soul patch pains me too. Life is better without it – try it!
Here’s another all-too-common mistake: The “Floating Goat”
James Shields, if you’re going to grow a goatee, grow the whole thing!
Same goes for you, Brandon Phillips…but yours is also pointy, which makes you look devilish, but not in a good way at all.
Another offending Cincy player – Fransisco Cordero’s goat might leap out and attack someone.
Dioner Navarro is a special case: He has a combination soul patch, floating goat, AND protruding goat for three times the visual unpleasantness!
Gil Meche, I love you and will always root for you (even when your ERA is still sitting well above six), but that triangle thingie you’ve been sporting this season angers me. Just, ewww. And look what you’ve done; you’ve made triangles happen elsewhere in the League:
Matt Garza copies Gil’s triangular ugliness.
Take heed, fellows: Your soul patch is scoring you negative points with the ladies, and is probably affecting your play on the field as well. Take notes from these gents, who know that all it takes to look better (instead of worse) with facial hair is to not shave for a few days. Behold the mighty scruff:
Yes, David Dellucci, high fives for your scruffiness!
Jonny Gomes. Dirt on the uniform, scruff on the face, for what more could we as ladies ask?
James Loney is scruffy too.
All hail Mark Grudzielanek, King of the Scruff!!
And some bonus Grudz, because I’m a KC homer…
Ladies... 
I believe I made a similar point in my MVP post – KG could not win because of his disgusting, pointing, scraggly facial hair. That first picture is the best example, also because I find him the best looking, WHAT IS THAT THING? It really looks like he just missed a piece while shaving. And the fact that its on purpose is the worst. BUT I love scruff. Love it. Hate the face-burn you get after an extended make-out sesh, but its soooo worth it.
We could add Derrek Lee and Todd Walker to this list. I would so put up with the face burn for either of those two.
Any discussion of hair and triangles cannot be good.
James Loney is also a very large man in person. Huge. Big. Large.
+1. thoroughly enjoyable post… i love grossing out over men’s facial hair! baseball players really need to start focusing on growing more mustaches. way better than goatees.
Thanks for the photo of the King of Scruff! Also, it should be noted that famous Royals fan David Cook has sported some nice scruff during American Idol this season.
Kevin Youkilis gets a free pass on the small furry animal growing around his mouth because he’s hitting like crazy.
Also, Jason Varitek scruff = hot. Always.
I am not a fan of the facial hair. Especially when done with purpose. If you take the time to shape/groom it, just shave the whole thing. Grudz is a fine looking man, though and I would be willing to put up with face burn from him.
Kathy – hi mom! Grudz photos are never far away when I’m around.
Liza – good call on Tek. Yummy!
j-no – I agree about the careful grooming. Especially the millimeter-wide “jaw beard” thing (a la David Ortiz). That much time spent grooming = not hot.
Yeah, the triangle beard would anger me too.
so scruff = SO HOTT want to touch the hiney! hehe
also, Navarro, I believe something landed on your chin… you should check that out
Sigh….you dumb whores really ruin it for mankind. Perception is the mother of deception, hookers.
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