The Dame’s Football Tour o’ Sex: MLS – Pt. I

So, there you have it – another season in the books. Was it good for you, darlings?

Not so hot on my end, I’ve got to say. I mean, I’ve had better. Dragging myself out of my comfy bed for the final weekend of matches was annoying, sad and felt completely and utterly pointless.

[Dame’s note: If you caught me on any other weekend after February that’d also be the case then so it should hardly come as a shock. After Gallas’s little sit-in at Birmingham the end was in sight.]

A season’s worth of agony and ecstasy culminated in Giggsy slotting one in for United, defiling the precious champs’ cup by laying his scummy little lips on it and then proceeding to hoist the thing high above his head while all his teammates giggled and hopped up and down on the stage thingee behind him.

What a wretched sight.

Aw, crapppppp! Where’s the anti-bacterial spray?

Meanwhile, over at the Bridge, JT broke himself yet again while the lads were only able to squeeze a draw out of Bolton. It’s okay though because JT managed to rush back from the hospital in time to wave a proper goodbye to the fans. How valiant.

Fulham wriggled out of relegation once more guaranteeing that gorgeous Bocanegra will live to be perved on another day while Reading, despite their win, will slink down to the watchamacallit, which means that I have to bid farewell to sexy keeper Marcus Hahnemann. I’ll miss the big fellow.

But let’s not wallow, people. Let’s ignore the fact that Arsenal won nothing and got their bum-bums handed to them by Tottenham once along the way. And nevermind that sucky Chelsea are still in the Champions League and still stand to win something while many – more deserving – others do not. If we don’t talk about it, it’ll go away, I promise.

That’s what MLS is for, after all. We get to hitch onto another team’s wagon o’ glory in a league no one cares about and ride it all the way to comfort and consolation!

So, behold your consolation MLS hotties:

The One, the Only

David Beckham a.k.a. The Sex
Team: LA Galaxy/England
Position: Midfield

Does the second coming of Christ need an introduction? Surely, not. Even if you have been living in a bomb shelter for the past year just look at him. The man exudes pure sex at all times. During his debut season in the league last year, people flocked to see him even though he was sat on the bench the entire time. But – oh, lord – did he sit, smile and wave in the hottest way possible or what?

[Dame’s note: Beckham’s been great for the league’s profile. Barf.]

The All American Boy

Taylor Twellman a.k.a. The Prince of Fineness
Team: New England Revolution/USA
Position: Striker

After kicking up a bit of a fuss over the Revs blocking his dream transfer to Preston North End (for reals? Preston?) this summer, it’s been rough going for Tay-Tay so far this season. He hasn’t actually seen much action because he’s got a busted ankle and I’m experiencing severe Taylor withdrawal symptoms because of it. It’s been super rough but I’m getting through it. I mean, how can you not love this man?

[Dame’s note: Blond, blue-eyed, perfect smile. Christ, if he didn’t play a foreigner’s sport he’d be Tommy Hilfiger’s wet dream.]

The Dot-Com

Bobby Boswell a.k.a. Cam Whore
Team: Houston Dynamo/USA
Position: Defender

I’m quite fickle with my ballers. Save for Becks and Titi, it’s a here today gone tomorrow sort of thing and Bobby, perhaps more than any other baller in this batch, encapsulates my sensibilities. He’s clearly a hottie but the boy simply doesn’t know when to stop. The videos, the photos, the – sigh – everything – homeboy’s gone and played himself out. It’s possible he just stuck around with the web’s most obnoxious MLS team for too long, I don’t know. I certainly wouldn’t kick him out of bed though.

[Dame’s note: Yes, they are indeed obnoxious. However, for a girl who’s developed such a hate on for DC, I sure do visit Behind the Badge a heck of a lot. I’m also crushing on like half their team. Why do they have to be so goddamn pretty? The classic dilemma of a lady fan, I suppose.]

The Replacement

Devon McTavish a.k.a. Fuzzy
Team: DC United/USA (although I don’t believe he’s ever been called up)
Position: Defender

I hadn’t actually given Devon much thought until Amanda pointed him out to me back when Bobby and I were breaking up. Devon’s hotness and pretty, touchable hair got me through such a difficult time in my life. If he starts up with the self-obsessed web-pimping though I can’t guarantee my love and devotion will last very long.

The Uni-brow

Juan Pablo Angel a.k.a. Uni
Team: NY Red Bulls/Columbia
Position: Striker

Juan has actually achieved the impossible. He’s made the uni-brow look hot which is quite a feat, I think. And if you’re going to talk about ballers coming over from England and actually doing something (looking at you, Becks) you can’t really not talk about Juan, can you?

6 thoughts on “The Dame’s Football Tour o’ Sex: MLS – Pt. I

  1. The worst part about this weekend? I couldn’t even find the Arsenal-Sunderland match online anywhere – apparently the game was so meaningless that no one was even streaming it. I was forced to ManUre online and Chelsea on FSC. Double Barf.

  2. Ha, I doubt Devon’s gonna blog. Though he did guest post at Behind the Badge. Where he said something like “good gosh!” The kid’s a Boy Scout, I swear.

  3. BTO – I know, couldn’t find the damn thing anywhere either. Walcott scored one for heaven’s sake!

    Amanda – Yeah, I saw that. His ‘chores’ and the ‘good gosh’ – he may very well be a boy scout. I think we need to investigate.

    Cinna – Don’t worry, Euro’s starting up in a few weeks. It’s a shame these damn MLSers don’t take off their shirts more though.

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