The Dame’s Football Tour o’ Sex: The EPL – Pt. III

Much moronic behaviour churned out in the EPL this weekend by players looking to lose the league for their teams. Manchester United’s Nani, or as I like to refer to him – Cristiano’s friend with benefits (BFFs some might call it, the two once attended an Enrique Iglesias concert together and got to meet the sultry latin crooner backstage – nope, not gay at all), decided it would be a good idea to head-butt West Ham skipper, Lucas Neill, during a must-win match.

Nani, the weasel of a footballer that he is (bandwagon time! weee!), then proceeded to take one of the pussiest dives I’ve ever seen.

The most hilarious part of the whole thing was watching West Ham’s keeper Robert Green come over and try to pull him up off the grass all ‘I cannot believe you’re doing this! You’re a mess, you moron!’

Instant classic.

Dumbass. Lucas, you sir, are still a hottie however.

Hotties and more of the league’s weekend ridiculosity after the jump…

On the other side of things, you’ve got Brian McBride who lifted the red, white and…er…white over at Fulham, boosting the Cottagers’ let’s-try-not-to-get-relegated campaign. Gosh, McBride’s brilliant, isn’t he? Slap a cape on him, already. Fulham’s owner, madman Mohamed Fayed, has (illegally, mind) offered a £5,000 hamper of caviar and smoked salmon to every player should they successfully manage to avoid relegation this season. Brian’s thoughts: ‘He told us about it before the game and a few of the guys were going, ‘What’s a hamper?’ Oh, dear.

Elsewhere, that sex-beast of a keeper, Jens Lehmann, played his final match for Arsenal. He played the final 20 minutes or so and I weeped like a little girl for a good chunk of it.

[Dame’s note: It’s impossible for me to put into words how great Jens has been for Arsenal. It’s such a shame that his career at the club has ended under the shadow of the Lehmann/Almunia/Wenger conflict. At the end of it, I still don’t think Jens was given a fair shake this season.]

Anyways, enough with what happened this weekend. Who cares, really? It’s the end of the season and none of it really matters to anyone except asshole United fans and asshole Chelsea fans.

[Dame’s note: I hate you both.]

It’s time to get on with what unites as all: hot ballers – sexalicious hunks o’ sex to take the edge off the Monday grind.

The Bad Boy

Alan Smith a.k.a. Smudger
Team: Newcastle/England
Position: Striker

Smudge is the kind of guy who, if you dated, your girlfriends would be constantly hating on. They’d be all up in your ear whispering all sorts: you’re too good for him, he’s a bad influence, I think I saw him with that next girl in the mall last week. It’d be calamity. But just look at him. Wouldn’t it be worth it? From your annoying goodie-good songbirds to your run of the mill slutty soap stars to random club-hoochies in nightclub restrooms, it doesn’t seem like anyone can resist this dude.

[Dame’s note: Actually that one slutty soap star I’m talking about hooked up with him while she was dating his then teammate Cristiano Ronaldo. Not a good friend either, I guess. Bad to the bone.]

The Leper

Nicklas Bendtner a.k.a. Nicky
Team: Arsenal/Denmark
Position: Striker

Considered by many to be a bit of an arrogant ass, young Nicklas Bendtner, has a really hard time getting along with his Arsenal teammates. I mean, I’ve seen some moronic stuff in my day but the Nicky v everyone else situ takes the cake for ‘dumbest shit I’ve seen in the league this season.’ In January, Nicky was actually head-butted (‘sup Zidane) by one of his own guys in the middle of a match. Can you believe that? And just to make it worse, his captain then scooted over to the scene, yelled at him for a bit and, according to some accounts, spat in his face. In the words of Stephanie off Full House (yes, more 90s sitcoms this week, ‘scuse me): How ruuuuude!

[Dame’s note: None of his teammates ever feel up to congratulating him when he scores a goal either. It’s truly immature and ridiculous. When his teammates do come over to give him a hug they never appear to be overly excited to be doing so.]

The Good Thing in a Small Package

Tim Cahill a.k.a. Tiny Timmy
Team: Everton/Australia
Position: Midfield

Ah, Timmy: one of my personal favourites. Wikipedia tells me that Timmy’s 5’10 but I think that’s an outright lie. He and his small man syndrome have obviously been on there fidgeting with the numbers because the boy is 5’8 at the absolute tallest. It’s okay though because, while I usually go for the taller guys, Timmy is just so cute that he transcends the leprechaun-ness of it all.

[Dame’s note: I’ve often thought about how fun it would be to keep Cahill as some sort of pet or something. You know, carry him around in a little bag like people do those annoying little toy dogs? It would be so cute, don’t you think? No? I don’t know why I tell you people these things, honestly.]

The Disputable

Philippe Senderos a.k.a. Big Phil
Team: Arsenal/Switzerland
Position: Defender

People have issues with Philippe. Issues that they really need to get over. Various moronic grievances I’ve heard from various moronic sources: he’s a crap defender (Well, you weren’t saying that when Kolo was off in Africa were you? Yes, that’s because he was brilliant), he’s too pale (he’s beautiful, sit the f*** down, please), he’s constantly rocking the ‘Oh noes!!’ look on the pitch and off (yes, and you love it, stop denying it), he’s weird (you’re weird). Basically it’s like this – you either really like the guy or you think he’s not fit to wear the shirt. There’s not much grey area. I fall into the former category, of course, and will not budge no matter what you say.

[Dame’s note: Exhibit A: blood. Exhibit B: shirt-biting. Hotness.]

The Used-To-Be Canadian

Owen Hargreaves a.k.a. Curly
Team: Manchester United/England
Position: Midfield

Born and raised in Calgary, Alberta, Owen left our barren nation for the greener pitches of Germany at the young age of 16, the filthy backstabber. He skipped off to Germany, joined up with Bayern Munich and picked up a really weird accent. Now, whenever he opens his mouth instead of letting out a barrage of oats, eh’s and aboats, which on their own are hilarious enough, he talks in some sort of jumbled up German-Canadian-British accent that is downright ridiculous. But would you look at those abs!

The Nerd

Moritz Volz a.k.a. Volzy
Team: Fulham/Germany (used to play for their U21 side but hasn’t played for the full national team)
Position: Defender

Volzy, unlike any other footballer I’ve seen, has successfully combined all things dorky and nerdy into one adorable, sexy little package. I mean what other footballer do you know looks this good in a lab coat? That’s right – no one. Also, do check out his website. It’s enough to win you over for life and explains why he’s dressed in that funny little Hasselhoff get-up.

[Dame’s note: I should also mention that Moritz used to play for Arsenal, which, for me, was the beginning of my little infatuation him. He never really quite broke into the squad but, no matter what sort of crap team he now plays for (face it, Fulham), he’ll always be, at his core, an Arsenal man to me.]

The Dark Horse

Roque Santa Cruz a.k.a. Needs to call me immediately
Team: Blackburn/Paraguay
Position: Striker

Well, not a dark horse as such. Roque is actually hotter than a lot of guys on this list and was subject to much perving when he played over in Germany with Bayern Munich. It’s largely because he plays for an irrelevant club like Blackburn that he hasn’t seen as much fangirling action since his move to England. With the way he’s played this season though (bargain of the season, anyone?), I don’t expect him to last at Blackburn much longer. Once he hits a bigger club he’ll be the apple of every bandwagon-jumper’s eye, just you wait.