The Dame’s Football Tour O’ Sex: The EPL – Pt. I

It is with great fanfare and a truly unnecessary sprinkle of glitter that I announce to you that hot footballers have officially landed at Ladies… and that I, the Dame Commander of Extra Time (yes, you shall all be made to curtsy in my presence), expert football perv-ette, have been set with the task of guiding you through the copious amounts of quality man-flesh on offer in the world of soccer.

In the words of Oprah, this may just be ‘the most exciting thing I’ve ever done.’

Like ever.

Or not.

Christ, it’s topless hotties after the jump, okay? What more do you people want from me? Sheesh!

[Dame’s note: By the way, I read that stupid ‘New Earth’ book Oprah was talking about and it’s a bit crap.]

We begin our tour o’ perving with the English Premier League.

Often called ‘the greatest league in the world’ by idiot football pundits who think they’re clever but are actually idiots (more on this in another post), the EPL is the world’s richest and the first one I started watching as a young principessa purely by default – it was the only football ever shown on Canadian TV.

Here are your inaugural six EPL hotties:

The Pretty Boy

Cristiano Ronaldo a.k.a. Xtina
Team: Manchester United/Portugal
Position: Striker

Known for his penchant for man-bags and hair gel, Cristiano Ronaldo, is the toast of pretty-boy lovers everywhere. Often the recipient of snide gay jokes (Xtina, tee-hee), Cristiano chooses to exert his heterosexuality by hooking up with ‘working girls’ (5 at a time actually) and by dating really, really past-it looking broads like his current girlfriend, Nerieda Gallardo, a ‘model’ from Spain and before that, Merche Romero, a gold-digging Portuguese TV presenter eight years his senior. Anyways, whether you like him or not (if your team’s not Man U chances are you think he’s a bit of a douchie), Cristiano’s inherent hotness is indisputable: he’s got a pretty face, a hot bod and – dear god – some of the prettiest thighs you ever did see.

The Hard Man

John Terry a.k.a. JT
Team: Chelsea/England
Position: Centre Back

Even though I’m a devoted Chelsea hater, JT, for me, carries some sort of appeal. He just seems like a stand up guy. Or at least that’s the illusion. Let’s take a look at the record shall we? He cheats on the wifie, feels the need to crawl on a refs back for even the slightest bad call, might have been the reason Jose ‘sex in an overcoat’ Mourinho got fired from Chelsea and lead England to…well…nothing at all. Oops, turns out I don’t like him very much at all. He did captain Chels to back-to-back league titles in 2004 and 2005 though and that last second clearance he made against Trinidad back in WC ’06 still gives me shivers every time I see it.

The Nutter

Jens Lehmann a.k.a. Mad Jens
Team: Arsenal/Germany
Position: Goalkeeper

I once read somewhere that when Jens was still playing back in Germany, he jumped into the stands, in the middle of a match, and got into it with a fan because he was yelling obscenities about his family. Clearly, the man is hardcore. The EPL saw Jens graduate to a whole ‘notha level of crazy though which included verbally (and sometimes physically) attacking his own teammates and coach (see: Lehmann v Almunia), punching and kicking the paparazzi and debuting his rather special diving skill set. Ladies who crush on Jens are kind of like hardcore Britney fans: unlike normal people they can see the hottie underneath this train-wreck of a baller.

The Fragile

Robin van Persie a.k.a. Robin van Porcelain
Team: Arsenal/The Netherlands
Position: Striker

No one can really remember the last time van Porcelain played a full season’s worth of football – some part of his body is always busted. However, the man does still like to pop by the Emirates for a guest appearance every now and again so I guess he still counts. Also, Robin’s bum-bum has been scientifically proven to be one of the hottest in the league. By scientifically I, of course, mean the conclusion my expert eye has come to after zillions of hours of intensively watching – er, perving over – that gorgeous little booty.

The Hated

Frank Lampard a.k.a. Fat Frank
Team: Chelsea/England
Position: Midfield

If you’re a Chelsea fan you probably think Fattie Frank is the hottest dude ever. You would probably sell your babies to Hitler for one night of passion with the man’s things o’ glory. For the rest of us, it’s bit hard to look at Frank and not see the personification of intense Chelsea douchebaggery. Sure, he’s a bit pretty but then you remember he’s one of the most ridiculously overrated players in the league and consistently manages to mess up one tournament after another for his country. And then there’s that pesky getting photographed cheating on his wife thing.

[Dame’s Note: I don’t actually think Fattie Frank is fat. People who think that are either blind or stupid. I also cannot guarantee that if Hitler came along with a specific offer that involved Lampsy’s thighs I wouldn’t be an easy sell. Don’t look at me like that. Hot thighs are hot thighs, okay.]

The Standard

Freddie Ljungberg a.k.a. SwedeSex
Team: West Ham/Sweden
Position: Midfield

Since Becks left the league back in ’03, Freddie has pretty much become the measure by which all hot ballers are judged. A connoisseur of funky haircuts, fashion, more fashion and ‘vintage’ jeans, the man’s sexuality has also seen much debating over. But I say whatevs if the man might likes dudes a little – he’s taken his kit off for enough underwear ads to make me forget all about it. Actually, it’s more ‘pretend he’s my secret boyfriend’ than it is ‘forget all about it.’

[Dame’s note: Freddie used to play for Arsenal and only joined up with Crap Ham this season. He along with Thierry Henry (the Sex God) were among my first football crushes – dis him and be prepared for the Dame’s inner psycho-fangirl to be unleashed upon you!]