Over at the other place, we do a collaborative Top 30 for baseball every week. I submitted my rankings and snarky comments, but I don’t know how the rankings will average out and if any of my comments will even make the cut. So I’m posting it here just in case. Because they amused me.
1st place: Cardinals and Brewers. Best records in baseball at 5-1. This is clearly the NL Comedy Central’s year to make a dramatic comeback. Half the NL All-Star starters will be Redbirds and Beer Makers, we will win home field advantage and then the Cards will beat the Brew Crew in a dramatic game 7 of the NLCS on a Pujols bomb that knocks Bernie Brewer unconscious and causes Derrick Turnbow to collapse in a pile of tears. Yep. That’s exactly what will happen.
3rd place: Orioles. The Orioles are 4-1 and sit alone atop the AL East standings. There is also fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling! Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes! The dead rising from the grave! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria!
4th place: Royals, Blue Jays, Reds, Dodgers, Diamondbacks, White Sox at 4-2. In order: awesome, awesome, stupid Reds, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care.
10th place: Rays at 3-2. So the top 3 places in the AL East are the Orioles, Blue Jays and Rays. Bwahahaha.
12th place: Angels, Padres at 4-3. Meh.
13th place: Pirates, Braves, Marlins, Indians, Yankees, Rangers, 3-3. In order: enjoy it while it lasts, the average age of your team is 52, don’t care, don’t care, HAHAHAHA, and don’t care.
19th place: Cubs at 3-3. Why are they not tied for 13th like all the other .500 teams? Because I hate the effing Cubs.
20th place: Twins, A’s, Nationals, Red Sox at 3-4. In order: hey, you’re doing better than the Mets!, don’t care, that shiny new ballpark was good to you…til you came to St. Louis, and HAHAHAHA!
24th place: Mets at 2-3. Johan Santana just lost to a 42 year-old man.
25th place: Mariners and Phillies at 2-4. Meh.
27th place: Astros at 2-5. “Welcome to St. Louis,” said the spider to the fly…
28th place: Giants and Rockies at 1-5. The poor Giants and their ridiculously expensive pitcher who looks like the janitor from “The Breakfast Club.” And Rockies? That’s what you get for the damn rainout ruining Adam Wainwright’s debut as our ace. Take that!
30th place: Tigers at 0-6. Wow. Just wow. In the off season, did they turn into a rich asshole who throws a lot of money at a problem and hope it goes away?