Holly and I are going to attempt to live-blog the Pro Bowl from a local watering hole this afternoon. You have the next five hours to plan accordingly; prepare snacks, finish the laundry, secure bail money.
I assume we’re totally going to gossip about Brady and Favre since they’re not going to be there.
And away we go:
4:48 We have nothing to live for until August. It’s just sinking in. Everyone is forlorn. Thanks for tuning in…time to drown our withdrawal onset in some more of these v&t pints and live news feeds of a car chase in South LA. Salut!4:44 Holy shit, there are about thirty people left in the stadium. Adrian Peterson accepts the MVP award, in a resounding victory for direct-to-video cartoon dinosaurs everywhere.4:42 Derek is intercepted in the endzone. Holly is validated. And that’ll just about do it with twenty seconds to go. TSB avows this is the greatest upset in Pro Bowl history.
4:40 42 Seconds left and Holly is calling for the AFC to put Peyton back in. (Aside – McBias, please stop worrying about my hands. -TSW) The Laker fans are upset over the horrific Anderson play.
4:35 Derek Anderson drops the football without provocation (OF COURSE HE DOES), but Jeff Saturday redeems his earlier mistake by scooping it up and lumbering for a gain.
4:30 Things that have come out of the last five minutes of discussion; Adrian Peterson looks like a dinosaur (Holly: “I will accept an NFC victory only on the grounds that AP looks like a Land Before Time character”), TSW took Littlefoot’s virginity, and that the NFC should be able to take a knee with ten minutes left to play.
4:26 TSW: “This is where FOX should step in and allow the public to vote to ban players from the Pro Bowl. For life.” We’re looking at you, DEREK. Does Peyton/Ben have to do everything?
4:23 How often does the NFC win this thing? We’ve lost too much interest to look it up.
4:15 Roethlisberger is on the sideline belly laughing at you, Derek Anderson, and we can’t say you don’t deserve it. Your Nextel cannot save you.
4:07 Confidential to The Ladies: TSW has just performed that cheer we were discussing the other day. It’s far more complicated than it appears.
4:04 One of the televisions is now displaying The Wine Country Show. They’re making truffles!
3:57 Some of the Laker fans are actually resting their heads on the bar at this point. We cannot advise this, but nor can we sympathize with people shooting Jager at 4:00 on a Sunday.3:55 It would appear Derek Anderson is more adept at operating a two-way radio than an offense, as his overthrowing ass leads to the first punt of the game.
3:51 SOMEONE ELSE IN THIS BAR IS EXCITED! From the corner, verbatim: “DO IT! DO IT, JEFF GARCIA!” Hand to god.
3:38 DEREK ANDERSON, IN THE HOUSE! As if on cue, the jukebox fires up “cherry pie” again.
3:34 Touchdown, NFC. Shortly after hearing the Lakers fans hollering louder for golf, then hearing them yell in encouragement at Matt Hasselbeck, we realize they’re just cheering indiscriminately at anything that moves. Holly engages in a one-woman open sneering campaign.3:33 Pizza Fries inferior in most respects to Heart Attack Fries.
3:30 Second half snackies: Pizza fries! (We have switched from beer to Coke/Diet Coke in fear of our arteries. Um, and tequila.)
3:27 First white jeans sighting of the day!
3:26 All right, are they kicking to Devin Hester just because he’s good television? That’s possible, right? Discuss.
3:18 CAMERA UNDER THE TRAMPOLINE. (THERE’S A TRAMPOLLINE!) Oh, this is picking up.
3:15 MODERN DANCERS IN CUTOFF ONE-SHOULDER JERSEYS. MODERN DANCERS IN CUTOFF ONE-SHOULDER JERSEYS. MODERN DANCERS IN CUTOFF ONE-SHOULDER JERSEYS. A correct identification of the halftime band (Lifehouse!) does nothing for our flagging spirits.
3:12 For the first time, I happen to glance at the floor of the bar. And I wish I’d bought antiseptic wipes for my laptop power cord.
3:10 Halftime interviews! Bevmo is a diMINuitive motherfucker. And apparently Peyton Manning had a personal connection to this year’s Super Bowl!
3:07 First shot of Sean Taylor commemorative art in the stands. We’d pour one out for him, but no one’s seen our waitress in half an hour.3:06 And the NFC makes it a ballgame. Bummer. 27-21.
3:01 More unnerving than Norv Turner at the Pro Bowl: The American flags on the Hawaiian shirts of the coaches. Hooray, colonialism!
3:00 Holly to AFC defenders, in genuine scorn: “YOU’RE NOT EVEN TRYING.” She is roundly mocked.
2:57 Fresh-baked cookies to the first person to screencap and send a shot of a kick where any defender’s feet actually leave the ground.
2:56 Blatant non-call of defensive offsides on the NFC is rendered a jailable offense by the presence onfield of Roethlisberger. This will not stand.
2:53 Houshmanzadeh is going gangbusters here. Look what Big Ben can accomplish with a tall receiver.
2:52 Big Ben scrambles for the first down and way more! The guy in the Shanahan jersey screaming at the Red Wings game is not amused.
2:48 Bar menu excerpt:
2:44 T.O. catches one in the endzone and cuts the rug for a minute. T.O. is a warrior, son. We now suspect that Romo was deliberately winging poor passes until he could hit his favorite toy.
2:41 TSW asks us to stop making fun of the mascots, and to feel happy that they get a few days in Hawaii before returning to their offseason gigs at CopyMat.
2:40 Romo is apparently not leaving the field until he scores, dammit. We joke that they should go for it on 4th and 8…which is, in fact, the case. Now it’s 4th and 13. OK, that next play clearly should not count. We refuse to acknowledge this completed pass.
2:38 FOX Sports is really skimping on the leis for their on-air talent. Those piddly little strands make your heads look HYUUGE, fellas, and that’s not a direction in which most of you want to venture anyway.
2:34 Look, we’re not terrible people, but are we alone in not-so-secretly rooting for the AFC to run up the score in obscene fashion? We suspect not.
2:32 And we have Roethlisberger. Ladies and gentlemen, we have Roethlisberger, and he’s working it down to the goal line. Touchdown on a pretty little pass to Houshmanzadeh.
2:30 Nicknames discussed for Romo, displaying an admirable consistency in his desire to be completely fucking terrible (and who was intercepted at the end of this sentence). SloMo? SuckMo? NoGo? BEVMO! BevMo. Occasionally great value, but not worth the hassle unless you’re desperate.
2:25 We get our first good look at the guys rocking #21. They look….about the same, actually.
2:23 Roethlisberger, warming up! No sign of Derek Anderson.
2:22 With no defense in the Pro Bowl, should field goals ever be required? No. This is probably why they invited Rob Bironas. Fortunately, no one bothes to jump up to block the kick either. 17-7 AFC.
2:17: TSW: “This game is gonna come down to offense versus defense.” Holly: “But which team is giving 110%?”
2:15 Bar note: warrant’s “Cherry Pie” being played at louder volume than gameKICKOFF FUMBLE LOL!! Even the Lakers fans turned around in their seats for that one.
2:12: While we are all for spotlighting the hottest women in the crowd, when said women consist of 47-year-old hausfraus with skin like Coach satchels crammed into Forever 21 tops? Refrain, FOX. For all of our sakes.
2:10 Touchdown, Manning to Houshmanzadeh. We fully credit this play to Derek Anderson’s sideline walkie-talkie gameplanning antics.
2:08 Incompletion. Derek Anderson is DYING on the sideline. He’s literally jumping up and down next to Norv. Wait, now he’s actually ON THE FIELD.
2:00 Heart Attack Fries and Wings, ahoy:
1:56 We need to note at this point that our internet connection is TERRIBLE. So if this post comes to an abrupt end, don’t start calling bail bondsmen fearing we’ve scuffled with Laker fans.
1:52 For the first time, Holly notices her beer glass sports a Ravens logo. Ray Lewis is sitting out, right? Still, she’s watching her back for shivs.
1:51 First jersey sighting in the bar! Patriots, #9, “Sherman”. Who?
1:50 Jesus effing tater tots, WHAT PART OF “DON’T KICK IT TO DEVIN HESTER” are we still having trouble digesting?
1:49 The FOX Sports robot is wearing a hula skirt. A survey of the the table reveals that non one is aroused.
1:46 Bored Laker fans (halftime) find themselves cheering for the AFC. Also, we fear Luke Walton’s teeth.
1:42 TSW has actually poured out her actual drink for Alan Faneca’s last appearance as a Steeler.
1:41 I (Holly) have somehow missed kickoff, but am soothed by PEYTON galumphing onto the field. Jeff Saturday promptly botches the snap for a double-digit loss, but they get it all back in the air on the next play. And a score, before I’ve even finished typing.
1:40 With the stands still empty moments away from kickoff, we are lamenting our failure to score cheap tickets to Hawaii and just wander into the stadium.
1:39 The official in charge of the coin toss is a little….overt…in his efforts to be filmed shaking hands with Peyton.
1:35 National Anthem montage. Cameramen: Don’t swoop quite so close to Peyton’s face, will you? He’s goofy looking enough without the fisheye effect.
1:34 The merits of the bar’s Heart Attack fries are debated. Ingredients: fries, Alfredo sauce, bacon. Also available in tater tot form!
1:33 Apparently football is “a game of collision.” FOX Sports: We report, you choke scornfully on your vodka tonic.
1:32 The stadium is approximately 2/3 full. Perhaps Hawaiians are as engrossed in the Lakers game as the rest of this bar. (Seriously: It’s us, and three other guys.)
1:28 A gentleman in a Beastie Boys t-shirt turns the two nearest televisions (and more importantly, their volumes) to Pro Bowl coverage. We will now proceed to put shame in the game of all Laker fans.
1:25 What we are interested in is TheStarterBoyfriend’s return from the make-your-own-Bloody-Mary bar. Ingredients include A1, Worcestershire, olives, fresh garlic, jalapenos, chipotle peppers, barbecue sauce, and Old Bay.
1:24 Oh, and one screen of NASCAR. There is 100% more coverage of pudgy white dudes turning left and hugging than the Pro Bowl. No one at the bar has noticed.
1:17 There are twenty-three televisions in our line of sight. There are four screens showing hockey, two showing golf, two showing sailing, and none turned to the Pro Bowl. NFL FEVER!!!1
1:15 To celebrate TSW’s recent escape from the hospital, the Ladies…have presented her with a gift basket containing approximately nineteen pounds of vodka. She is most pleased.