(Ed. note – I passed out last night after a post-op Vicodin, leaving open my laptop with the framework of this post up. TheStarterboyfriend, not realizing when I am asleep he’s allowed to clock out from his nursing duties, jumped in with the funny commentary. Thanks TSB! You’re like a magical, 6’3, spinning-gold-from-straw elf!)
‘Tis the time of year for everyone around you to suddenly start caring about football. Where even the casual observer (“Hey! Wasn’t there a Manning in a Superbowl just a couple years ago? What a coincidence!”) becomes a veritable Bob Costas-like conflagration of football idioms and statistics. And somehow, some way you wind up partying with these people, listening to them espouse moronic sports anecdotes, figuring you can suck it up for a few hours because, hey, that 60″ LCD HD TV is totally worth it.
But this year, more so than in the Bowls of yesteryear, we here at Ladies… are telling you now– BEWARE!
When I opened up this month’s issue of Real Simple magazine (I like the recipes!), to my horror I discovered the above glossy photo and accompanying text telling would-be party hosts the “fun” of creating coasters from Astroturf (TM)! Or festooning the living room with cute potted plants and plastic football arrangements! How festive!
After I finished retching, I realized that the Superbowl has suddenly gone “chic”. It appears that Real Simple, in conspiracy with many other websites I discovered, want to take away the grease-soaked, beer-saturated Day of Hedonism we all love. And God help you should your well-meaning, though incredibly misinformed friends, decide to follow any of this advice. So as a possible forewarning to everyone, here are some of the more disturbing things being suggested to do during the Superbowl this year:
Real Simple’s guide to team beers – Colt 45 for Colts fans? St. Pauli Girl for Vikings fans?
From EHow –
Decorate the house in the colors of the team you’re rooting for. If one of the teams playing is “your” team, put on all your paraphernalia.
If you’re going to have guests who are rooting for different teams, establish an imaginary line (or for fun, “draw” one with masking tape) down the center of the room. Decorate each side in one team’s colors.
Since this is a weekend, you may want to set up a kids’ room in the back of the house that’s stocked with treats, games, a TV and VCR.
VCR?! VCR!!! What? Are these kids stuck perpetually in 1985? I dare you to put a VCR in front of a child between the ages of 9-15 and see if they even know how to operate it. Also, here’s an addendum to that idea– draw a line with masking tape down the middle of your room. On one side will be the people who are giggling at the same E-Trade commercials from the 1st quarter and loudly discussing the merits of Tom Brady’s butt. On the other side will be people having fun.
From About.com –
Play football charades.
Divide your guests into teams and give each team five word cards that you’ve prepared in advance. Everyone takes turns trying to get their team to guess the football related word that they’re acting out. The team that guesses the most words wins. Use a timer to keep the game from running into the next quarter. Here are several possible words for your game:
- field goal
- buffalo wings
Bonus points for acting out “Phil Simms is a Douchebag” or “Fuck Da Eagles” or “Tony Saragoosa Eating His Own Weight in Dog Biscuits”.
This one is easy and is played at the start and after the game is over. You pick team colors for balloons and in one set of each team colors, you place a slip of paper in each balloon. (Hint: mix up the teams inside the balloons, so people don’t know which team is in the balloons.) At the end of the game, each person pops a balloon. The person who pops the balloon with the slip of paper that has the total score or winning team gets the good prizes, and the losing one gets to clean the kitchen, or what ever you deem as the booby prize. You write things like “Holding, personal foul, penalty take out the garbage.” Of course the penalty is declined if it is the winning team.
I like this one as it acts as decorations, a game, and helps you clean up.
Nothing spells “Good Times” like “Pop a balloon and clean my kitchen!” Also, when did “Holding” become a personal foul? Unless it’s some kind of Troy Aiken post-coital kind of spooning, I see nothing personally befouling here.
From Doc Sports –
If it’s an adult only party, and make sure you advertise this earlier, but try to have an equal number of men and women at the party and see if you can’t take the rules of strip poker and apply them to the game. “Ooohhh no first down – off they come.” touchdowns will be a true celebration. You might want to suggest a few drinking games before busting this one out.
The very thought of middle-aged swingers using football’s Holiest Day as an excuse to rub each other in baby oil and lay down the rubber sheets is… disturbing. And yes, I realize they don’t mention anything about oil or sex, but you know that’s where it’s going. Don’t look at me that way.
Order pizza without the cheese and ask for extra veggies.
Watch the game while running on your treadmill.
Watch as your guests stream out the door before the National Anthem is finished when they learn all the pizza boxes in the kitchen contain merely warm bread with vegetables.
AskMen.com – no surprise –
Though it seems almost everyone watches the Super Bowl, you simply can’t invite every one. The first way to trim down all the potential guests is to decide what kind of crowd you want: should the dedicated football fans attend, or would you prefer a real party atmosphere and invite the less football-savvy (i.e. women) folk?
We are not aghast or in shock at such an implication. Rather, the Ladies… have decided this year to follow Doc Sports suggestion. But, um, no boys allowed. (Ed. note – Nice move Starterboyfriend. One guy, eight women?)
From TheFunTimesGuide (Located at, guess where? The corner of Good News & Fun Times.)
Make your own yellow penalty flags to throw when a brazen penalty occurs, the ref misses a penalty call, the ref makes a bad call, or for any reason at all! Can you imagine all those yellow flags flying around your party?
I also suggest bringing your own red challenge flag. Throw it liberally and then act irate when people won’t respond to your drunken requests for a replay of the offending penalty. Tip over the punchbowl. Leave for the closest bar with buffalo wings. Repeat as necessary.
Thus, you have been warned. At the slightest suggestion of charades, run like the wind. Popping balloons as halftime hilarity? Sneak out and never look back. Just the mere thought of spending time hanging decorations or preparing anything more taxing than 9-layer dip is driving me to drink.