Michael Cera in Superbad. Justin Long in Dodgeball. Seth Rogen in Knocked Up. We pull for these guys to get the girls, because who doesn’t love a little pluck and moxie in a man? After the jump, find out why Holly and J-Money have given their hearts to New York and San Diego for the duration of the playoffs.
Holly: The Case for the Giants:
38-35. I don’t care if the Pats were toying with them; I don’t care if it was a fluke. The Giants’ loss to New England on December 29th may have been more painful to watch than the Colts last week (almost). Football Jesus (there’s a separate one for football) needs to get right with this team, and here’s His chance.
Do it for Peyton. Eli’s big brother was robbed (ROBBED) of the Heisman in ’97 by a Michigan douchebag with eight interceptions on the year. That douchebag is Charles Woodson, and he currently resides with the Green Bay Packers. Avenge him, Eli. Avenge the Laser Rocket Arm.
Do it for Shockey. I love the guy to distraction, and him being sidelined with a broken leg is taking all the fun out of this playoff run for me. Yes, he’s an utter bastard and a terrible human being; I don’t know what it is about him, but I’m just drawn to…
Do it for the talking heads. They’ve got to be at least as sick of coming up with new ways to call Brett Favre a GUNSLINGER!!!1 as we are of hearing them, right? ….right? Let’s spare America another three weeks of “gritty”, “gutsy” (or worse, “gutty”, a word whose very existence I protest on principle), and “grizzled”, shall we?
Say what you will about him, but Eli Manning called Tiki Barber a bitch on television. Signed, sealed, delivered, I’m yours, kiddo. Seriously, call me.
J-Money: The Case for the Chargers:
LaDainian Tomlinson. LT. This could actually be a one item list, like “words that rhyme with orange” (borange) or “dates I’ve had since 2005” (that time at Macaroni Grill). What’s not to like about him, on or off the field? Because who else can both rock a Robocop-style helmet and tell me where to buy an affordable HD TV?
Philip. Fucking. Rivers. Finally, a quarterback that combines poor mechanics AND a poor attitude. He’s like Mark Wahlberg in “Invincible” plus Mark Wahlberg in “Fear”. SO LET ME IN THE FUCKING HOUSE.
Their logo is the best. That lightning bolt beats the shit out of the other 3 playoff teams. Letters are stupid logos, Green Bay and New York, unless you’re an episode of Sesame Street or a trolley car. And what the fuck, New England? You’ve adorned your domes with a drawing of Luke Perry wearing a windsock hat.
Because they sell this on their website.
See, high schoolers? Just because you may never PLAY for the Chargers doesn’t mean that you can’t WASH like the Chargers…locker room staff. Thank you, San Diego! Thank you for helping me manage my expectations.
Because this year’s AFC Championship is basically the movie Starship Troopers. Hear me out… the Patriots are the Bugs and the Chargers are Johnny Rico as played by Casper Van Dien. Tom Brady is, obviously, the big fat smart bug.
Who among us can’t hear Norv Turner saying “These bugs are just like us. Just as smart as we are. They want to study us. They want to know what makes us tick. They want to know our likes and dislikes. In short: they want to know about us… so they can KILL US!” Not just about the Pats, really, but perhaps about actual bugs.
And Shawne Merriman throwing out a rousing version of “Everybody fights, nobody quits. If you don’t do your job I’ll kill you myself”. Again, not just on Game Day. Also at rec centers, block parties, and church services.
I don’t know about you, but I’m pulling for Earth.