The Ladies… count two Phillies homers among their ranks, so Texas Gal and I were hoping that our meaty, darling, grinder Aaron “Bacon Pants” Rowand would resign with the Phillies. His face-smashing entusiasm and team-first attitude were part of what made the Phillies so much fun to watch this season. Also, he wears his uniform pants really tight. We liked that.
2007 was a banner year for Bacon Pants, and with the cheapskates in the Phillies front office shying away from long-term contracts, Bacon Pants signed today with the San Francisco Giants. He’ll patrol the outfield for the next five years, taking home a cool $12 million per year.
The fans of the San Francisco Giants have to be happy — there’s somebody fun to watch out in the outfield again.
I, however, am taking this news a little harder. I am — if you will — a sad panda.
Stage 1: Denial
To: Texas Gal
From: Clare
Date: December 12, 2007
Subject: NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
http://www.mlbtraderumors.com/2007/12/giants-sign-aar.html
Stage 2: Anger
How can he do this to me? Doesn’t he know how much I love him? Doesn’t he understand that no other city will love him as much as Philadelphia did? HE SMASHED HIS FACE ON A FENCE FOR US! DOESN’T THAT MEAN ANYTHING TO HIM?! The people in San Francisco won’t understand him! ONLY I DO! And besides, the Giants aren’t going to be in contention until 2009 at least. Good job, dummy, for signing up for five years with the NL West basement-dwellers.
Stage 3: Bargaining
What if the Phillies offer him $70 million over three years with a player option for a fourth? That’ll have to be more than the other clubs are offering him, right? That’ll have to bring him back, right? RIGHT?!
Stage 4: Depression
Fine. Go. Whatever. I don’t care.
I’m going to cry in the fetal position under my desk.
Fuck.
Stage 5: Acceptance
The man is 30 years old, and with the balls-to-the-wall way he plays, that means he’s no spring chicken anymore. He also has two school-age kids, and I imagine he wants them to have a stable environment while they’re in elementary school. Yeah, the 5-at-$60M contract has shades of Latrell Sprewell’s whine that “I need to feed my family,” but Bacon Pants picked a perfect season to have a career year. Get that money. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may. Good luck and Godspeed. But don’t be surprised if there’s two girls at AT&T holding up this sign next season:
– – – –
Texas Gal: Clare is a much braver and stronger woman than me. When I heard the news, I skipped all five steps and went straight to the step where I toss my “ROWAND” shirt on a bbq grill, douse it with a mixture of tears and Maker’s Mark, and then flick a solitary lit match on top. There’s a stage for that, right?
Since I am unable to form a coherent or rational thought on the subject, beyond alternating cries of “Nooooooo!” and “Boooooo!”, I’m going to share a few of the greatest moments in Bacon-ry. It’ll be like our own version of pouring out a bacon-flavored 40 on the Philly soil in his honor. Let’s start off with the greatest of them all: THE FACEPLANT.
Ladies... 
Wait. So if Bacon Pants moves to San Francisco where the diet is a bit more… cosmpolitan, are you going to rename him something more appropriate, like “Proscuitto Trousers”? Or will he simply become, “He Who Shall Not Be Named of Former Pork Product Bottom Wear”?
this made me cry. really. ahhhh i will miss him so muchhhhhh. him and barry zito can have a grand old time. I still have chase utley
i’m kinda sad he didn’t come back to the white sox.
yeah we pretty much have only one good outfielder now.
awesome.
@IJMTU: Wouldn’t it more likely be Smart Bacon trousers?
Buh-bye, Rowand.
No more Bacon Pants in the NL East. It always seemed to me that Bacon Pants was in the middle of everything when the Phillies played the Mets.
Be glad he left before he broke Chase Utley’s neck.
@emily: lucky, there’s no reason to brag.
OMG! I so want to crawl in a hole and die right now! Pat Gillick is the Grinch and he has officially ruined Christmas! I think I will just sit here and sob all night…can’t believe he is gone…and to the Giants???? UGH! They suck! Someone please pour me a stiff drink… :o(
The one bright side is: this probably means he’s not named in the Mitchell Report, right?
Umm why is he called Bacon Pants?
Oh AARON.
*sniff…sniff* I’ve been on the brink of tears since watching the news earlier.
SIGH.
I don’t follow baseball so I really don’t have an opinion but that Smart Bacon makes me said so I will share your pain… sort of.
I work less than a mile away from Pac-SBC-ATT-Whatever, so I’ll open my windows in the office and see if I can catch a smell of bacon in the air this spring.
But really, the Giants just can’t wait to overpay players, can they?
I actually read some of the Giants message boards and a lot of Giants fans are not happy about the signings. You are right…those fans just don’t understand him!!! Darn it!! Any chance of them trading him to back to the Phillies in the future?
I am impressed at the quality of pictures in this post. Mel, do you just have those lying around?
I know I’d be sad to lose any number of Cardinals. I’m sorry, ladies.
I felt like the enraged viking in the Snicker’s commercial below when I found out about Rowand going to the Giants:
I’m sorry, really I am. You may have written rules to live by if Ellsbury makes a similar trip out of Boston. I’ll need to refer to this thread….hell, I never recovered when Carlton Fisk was traded to the White Sox!
Doug-the fuck smart bacon?
Bye bye bacon pants. We’ll always have the fourth to the last picture.
Christina, I call him Bacon Pants because one night while my roommate was frying bacon for dinner, Aaron was at the plate and hit a dinger. From then on, the two meaty, delicious things were inextricably linked. I called him Bacon Pants on DUAN, and the rest is history.
And that’s how internet memes are made.
There’s a silver lining to every cloud guys….. CHEAP ROWAND JERSEYS!!!… It will look nice in my closet next to my Thome Jersey that I got for 20 canadian dollars (back when our dough was worth way less than yours)…. Who am I kidding?….there’s no silver lining…not even close
If you’re going to San Francisco, be sure to wear some flowers in your hair…
If you’re going to San Francisco, you’re gonna meet some gentle people there.
For those who come to San Fran Cisco, summertime will be a love-in there
In the streets of San Fran Cisco, gentle people with flowers in their hair….
…..Single Tear…..
I can’t listen to the rest. It’s just too much to take right now. I hope you’re happy Aaron….. look what you’ve done to me!
I was in San Fran last summer. The city was a little dirty and the people were a bit rude. There are lots of great things to do and see there though. It was fun. It irked me that you can’t make a left turn in a lot of places.
::is still in shock:: and denial.
I was in a restaurant with my whole family, and ESPN was on in the background. When I saw the Bacon Pants headline, I actually exclaimed “Bacon Pants!” out loud, then had to weasel my way out of explaining what the hell I was talking about.
My condolences, Ladies…
Xavier Nady is soo HOTT and he make aaron rowand slam into walls to make amazing catches!
Wouldn’t it more properly be pantalone di prosciutto? There’s some kind of salacious melon-wrapped-in-prosciutto-pants joke in there somewhere.
HOW DID I MISS THIS???!!!!
No no no no no no no no!!! Man, the Phillies better sign the best pitcher in the history of baseball.
Julie, they already HAVE Cole Hamels…
Man, I keep coming back.
*sniffle*
I am still in denial, but I have had to put up with Rowand leaving me twice. First time was with the sox around thanksgiving and now leaving the phillies right before christmas. Why do you keep doing this to me? But now you leave me for the giants…I see how it is Aaron!