Two of the things I miss the most about living in the South are Volunteer football and my hetero lifemate Livia. This weekend also happens to be University of Tennessee Homecoming, so I’m here with a little of both–her recipe for cheese straws, and the family formula for apple joujous, staple of the finest tailgates.
Things You Will Need:
4 cups Sharp Cheddar Cheese (shredded); you can get away with as little as 2 cups, but let’s be real.
1 1/2 cups All-Purpose Flour
1 stick butter
1 tsp Salt
1/3 tsp Red Pepper (that’s the amount called for in the recipe; I used somewhere between 1/3 tsp and whatever’s in that bowl above)
Hot Sauce (I have a genetic weakness for the substance pictured above, but you can use whatever rocks you back.)
*This will be a lot easier if you let the cheese and butter sit out until they’re room temperature.
One more shot of that cheese pile (know your audience!):
Things You Must Do:
Set the oven to 300. Get out your handy food processor (or Magic Bullet, if available–and if not, WHAT ARE YOU DOING LIVING WITHOUT THE MAGIC BULLET WERE YOU BORN IN A BARN).
Mix your dry stuff together, just like Momma always harped. (That’s your flour, salt, and pepper.)
Toss in the butter, cheese and flour. Depending on how fast your FP operates, it should take between 5 and 10 minutes to form a smooth, thoroughly mixed dough.
While it’s whirring away, go ahead and flour your cutting board.
Check out your dough. (Resist the temptation to make a cheese snowman.) Taste a little piece to make sure the flour has incorporated well; you can also add a little more cayenne here, if that’s to your taste (I like mine hotter than Appalachian State).
To review: That is FOUR CUPS OF CHEESE. Roll it out to the desired thickness (usually about an inch).
Do you have a cookie press? If that’s the case, cut out your straws. If not, get a pizza cutter (by far more effective than a knife when working with cheese dough) and slice into desired size.
Traditionally, these are a lot skinnier than what we usually make, but we are of the firm opinion that when it comes to cheese, it’s perfectly acceptable to be a size queen.
Sprinkle on your hot sauce. Again, important to know your audience–the considerate hostess gauges whether her guests can handle the kick. (Then add a little more.)
Dependent on size, bake for 10-15 minutes; when the bottom is lightly browned and they look biscuit-y, they’re done.
To the cocktails!
Things You Will Need*:
2 oz. Apple Schnapps (not not NOT sour apple; that Pucker substance is an abomination)
2 oz. Southern Comfort
1/2 c. Lemonade
*IMPORTANT PROGRAMMING NOTE: Make sure you’re not already a cool 97 sheets to the wind when mixing drinks for posterity purposes. You will forget to photograph the bottles; your guests will spirit them away (see what I did there?) for recycling, and you will be left to Photoshop your ingredients together.That said, these are the Actual Drinks, Actually (usually garnished with an orange curl, but tailgating is war, son…when you’re making a punchbowl full, no time for fripperies). Combine over ice and you’re off to the races. They should look like pale cider once they’re done; opacity will depend on your brand of schnapps:
Reasons to love Apple Joujous:
- The similarity of “joujou” to “juju”, a concept intimately familiar to talisman-obsessed football fans. (We have been known to refer to these drinks as Apple Jujus with the game on the line.)
- Acceptable drink for fall tailgating OR spring/summer picknicking
- Packs a serious punch to your BAC.
New Snack! 3 Musketeers Mint Minis
Consensus: Delectable! Low in fat (for a candy bar); tastes like a fluffy peppermint patty but maybe won’t kill you quiiiiiiite as fast.
A word of caution: These suckers go fast. Utilize your trusty velociraptor robot to guard your stash.
And that’ll do it for me this week. Tune in next Friday for the comedic and culinary stylings of Cousin J-Money.
Why people choose Tabasco over Texas Pete maddens me. There is only one hot sauce, and that is the Pete.
THANK you. This is a neverending argument, and while there are many OTHER fine hot sauces, Tabasco’s just…common. I make my parents smuggle Pete out to me in their carryon luggage when they come to visit, hence the tiny bottles.
Cheese! You done me proud kiddo! Those look excellent.
How do you know I am a Northerner? I’ve been dragging around the same bottle of SoCo in my bar for years. No other bottle of booze makes it more than a six months in my house. (Except maybe the bottle of Malibu someone brought over to my place once – yick – and an ill-advised Dooley’s purchase.)
mmmmmm hot and cheesy, just like me :)
Damn, those things look good.
Holly, I must try these. The cheese straws look like a spicy version of the Red Lobster Garlic Cheddar biscuits (for which I also have a recipe). Maybe a “poufy cheese snack biscuit” taste-off is in order this weekend.
You lost me with the So Co, though. Clare + So Co = barf.
Cheese straws are a foodstuff that we Northerners don’t know about at all. They’re not quite biscuits, they’re not quite crackers, they’re a completely different animal. I’ve had these in Mississippi but I’ve never found them north of anything Sherman burned to the ground. I’ve also never seen a recipe for homemade cheese straws. I tend to shy away from recipes involving dough and baking, but I may have to give these a shot.
I think smuggling Texas Pete across state lines can get your car confiscated in Tennessee and Kentucky now.
“Behold the power of Cheese.”
Sour Apple pucker is offensive stuff. Most of the pucker varieties treat me about as badly as So Co does.
I don’t see how much butter to use. Which is gonna be important come this Sunday, when this is all we will eat. Can someone help me out?
Dammit. I left that out. One stick. Let’s see if I can edit this post without losing all the pictures (AGAIN).
BTW – This recipe makes Rob I’s comment from last week even more appropriate.
How is that not already a tag? I’d edit the post to add it, but I fear WordPress to-day.
So Co is no good by itself, but absolutely rocks when mixed. Esp. to make Hurricanes or Scarlett O’Haras.
I can’t believe we haven’t used the robot dinosaur tag yet.
That is Princess Grace of the Cretaceous. She’s not to be crossed.
I heart the magic bullet. (The kitchen appliance, not the vibrator…)
The Magic Bullet infomercial is the best one I’ve ever seen.
Have you ever had Dave’s Insanity Sauce? Best. Hot. Sauce. Ever. It will light your mouth on fire.
The 3 Musketeers is a highly underrated candy bar.
I just discovered Trader Joe’s French Market Style Lemonade (or whatever it’s called) this past week. That stuff is awesome; it tastes just like ordering a lemonade in France where you have to make it yourself. I have a feeling it might work well with your JousJous if you want a bit of a sweet, bubbly kick.
Fantastic, fantastic. Thank you so much, Holly!
Yeah, I gotta jump on the Texas Pete bandwagon here. When I told my mother the type of hot sauce I was using for the Chicken Dip, she looked at me like I was crazy and said, “There’s only ONE hot sauce. Remember that.” I’m thinking about making it with Texas Pete to see how it turns out.
The cheese straws look great. And I’ve been putting off getting a Magic Bullet, but I think I will now.
The personal versatile countertop magician! You cannot go wrong there.
SA just take one of those 9 million Bed Bath and Beyond 20% off coupons that you get in the mail every week and go get that Bullet!
Doug, I just had Dave’s Insanity Sauce this past weekend at CalTor. HOLY SHIT. I think actual steam came spurting out my ears while my nose whistled like a teakettle.
OMG!!! I have the SAME cutting board! LOL!!!
ME WANT CHEESE!
“Ooo, look Grommit! Cheese! I’m feeling a bit peckish, you know.”
I ordered the wrong Magic Bullet. Imagine my embarrassment.
What kind of cheddar is best? Mild, Medium, Sharp, or Extra-Sharp? Have you experimented with other kinds of cheeses?
I would go with Sharp, like it says under “Things You Will Need”. In bold. Mild cheddar is some bullshit, man.
Sorry, I can’t read. Especially things in bold. They need to flash for me to be perceptive. And yes, mild cheddar is like eating solidified milk.
Bit unrelated to this thread, but have you Ladies… seen the Under Armour baseball comercial? I just saw it for the first time and OMG, WANT!!!
Where the hell was this comercial all season?! I would have made the Red’s craptacular season soooooo much more bearable.
Thistlewarrior: Click. Clack. I love that commercial too.
Note to self: do not eat the entire Friday Football Foodies by yourself again. That was a bad idea and I’m still paying the price.
Doug – four cups of cheese and some butter?
May I recommend nothing but fruit and raw veggies tomorrow? For both your heart and your colon?
yep, that sounds about right
our kitchen appliances are mostly made by Panasonic and Electrolux, my mom always trust these brands “
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