A phenomenon known as “base-ball” has been making headlines around these parts since the inception of the site. The alleged “National League Championship Series” is upon us…time to pick a side or go home. In the red corner: TheStarterWife and Clare, freestylin’ for the Diamondbacks. In the purple corner: Lady Andrea, Metschick, and surprise special guest star tap the Rockies, if you know what I mean. (Don’t feel bad. There is no force in the universe that could have stopped me from making that joke.)
Leading off, the lovely TSW, with her plea for the boys of Arizona:
Why does Stephen Drew smile, other than the fact he is the talented Drew brother? Fucking hit .500 against the Cubbies with two homes and four RBIs, that’s why.
What is that, Brandon Webb? You won the Cy Young Award last year?
Should we mention that one point this season, Webb had pitched a streak of 42 1/3 scoreless innings? That included three complete shutouts? I think we should bring that up along with the fact Webb himself got the W in 7 shutout games in 2007 while the entire Rockies squad only had 6 shutouts all season. (Really, I looked it up.)
I think that deserves another picture.
Why is Jose Valverde screaming at the top of his lungs? Could it be that he lead the NL with 47 saves this year?
Conor Jackson? Not only was he named #8 on Texas Gal’s unimpeachable List of the Hottest Asses in Baseball, but as someone much wiser than I said, “best action hero name on the team”.
And did you know that Chris Young, aside of being able to hit dingers like nobody’s business, is also a model?
Next up, Miss Clare, bringing the heat in the form of a free-association piece:
[SFX: free-form jazz tootles softly in the background]
The talking heads on the WWL often refer to the Diamondbacks as the Baby Backs. That is because the some of players–aside from the beleaguered Randy Johnson, whose AARP membership card should be arriving in his mailbox any day now–are very young.
Think back to when you were 23 or 24. What were you doing with your life? Were you making stupid decisions and acting callously? That’s sort of what the D-Backs are doing: They’re so young, they don’t know that they should be losing. They also think that having a pool and a hot tub in the outfield is cool, when it is actually just a cool way to contract a nasty case of plantar’s warts.
Also, when you call them the Baby Backs, their nickname puts me in the mind of ribs. Mmm, ribs. We should do ribs for a Friday Football Foodie.
I dunno….it’s difficult to argue with meat. Or ribs. (What?) But let’s reserve judgment until we take a trip on the Purple Train.
Metschick, Lady Andrea, and Townie want YOU! to root for the Colorado Rockies. The Rockies are God’s team. Jeff Francis is on the cover of this week’s Sports Illustrated, but that does not matter. GOD IS MORE POWERFUL THAN SPORTS ILLUSTRATED. So c’mon everybody! All aboard the Purple Train! WOO-WOO!
The conductor for your ride will be Metschick, who would like to lead you all in prayer:
Our Father, who art in Colorado
hallowed be thy team.
Thy championship come, thy will be done,
on Coors Field as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily win
And forgive us our errors,
as we forgive those who win against us,
and lead us not into a losing streak
but deliver us from the Desert.
Andrea is knocking back purple shots in the dining car, looking for single Rockies:
Why should you root for the Rockies? Besides the fact that they went on a ridiculous tear at the end of the season to get into a one-game playoff and subsequently won the Wild Card and then went on to mow down the Phillies in a 3-game sweep? (They are 16-1 over the last 17 games). Well, you should root for them because a ridiculous number of them are single. That’s right Ladies. 13 of the 25-man roster are single. Here is just a taste of the nice young men who are looking for that special someone.
Mark Townsend from Bugs & Cranks is lounging in the Parlor Car and says:
You should root for the Rockies because they are the nice, clean cut, all around good guy you’ve been looking for all along, but you just haven’t realize it yet. The guy mom always said you’d marry, but you thought she was nuts. Turns out she was right about one thing after all. On the surface they might seem a little shy, or boring, but once you get to know them, you’ll be more than impressed.
They don’t look at porn… in the clubhouse. They don’t swear… outwardly. They don’t cheat on their wives/girlfriends/other… or at least they don’t get caught. They represent everything that is good and pure about the game. Top to bottom, from ownership down to Dinger (the mascot), the Rockies are full of high character, high moral, and of course, highly skilled men.
You know the saying… nice guys finish last? That doesn’t apply to these Rockies. They are winners, and they are worthy of your support. All they need is a chance to prove it.
Finally, the caboose of the Purple Train is this:
You should root for the Rockies because they have decided to give a playoff share to the pregnant widow and two children of Mike Coolbaugh, a minor league coach that was killed by a foul ball earlier this season. The farther the Rockies go, the more they can help out the Coolbaugh family If you don’t root for the Rockies, you have no heart or soul.
Stake your claims, ladies and gentlemen. And that, as they say, is that. Tune in tomorrow for an equally sultry cage match over something called the “ALCS” .