Bringing the Heat: The Boston Red Sox

SoxxxEven though he broke my heart, broke my crock pot, and eventually left me for a woman who wears slouch socks, my last boyfriend gave me something that I’ll cherish forever: bitterness. Bitterness and the opportunity to see my beloved Red Sox win the 2004 World Series.

On the night that the Sox beat the Yankees in the ALCS, completing their historic comeback and putting them in the Fall Classic for the first time since watching new episodes of 227 and Amen made for a sweet Saturday night, we had the following conversation:

Him: So tonight was pretty important?
Me: Hells yeah! The Sox won the ALCS!
Him: Isn’t that what Lou Gehrig had?
Me: No, that was Lou Gehrig’s disease.
Him: Nevermind.

(Ok, so I don’t think I really said “Hells yeah” but my actual comment was most likely littered with profanity and there’s a good chance that I repeatedly called him ‘Dude’, but the rest of it actually happened.)

BUT the important part was when he said that he was going to give me my Christmas gift early–in the form of World Series tickets–because he knew that seeing the Sox win would be the happiest day of my life. And then he paused and waited for me to disagree with him.

I still have no idea how he snagged the tickets, but on October 27, 2004 I was in Busch Stadium, wearing my “UnFoulke-in’ Believeable” shirt and UGG boots (Don’t you dare judge me…) watching as the players celebrated their sweep and realizing that they did it, holy shit, they did it! The Sox won!

My smile only got bigger when I realized that those effing ‘curse’ comments Sox fans had endured for years were now rendered meaningless. And “1918” had finally been stripped of any importance. I mean, other than that whole “end of World War I” thing, but Yankees fans rarely punctuated any games with chants of “Kaiser Wilhelm Sucks!”.

Tears fell on my UGGs when the scoreboard flashed “Congratulations Boston Red Sox” and as I felt the limitless joy of finally–FINALLY!–having my faith rewarded, I realized that he was right. It was the happiest day of my life.

Now about those hotties…

I considered just putting a picture of the 2004 team, because there’s no way that could be any sexier. Unless maybe former relief pitcher Mike Myers was replaced with Hugh Laurie.

But have you seen the 2007 Sox? They are so smokin’, they cannot be sold to anyone under 18. They may cause birth defects. They make RJ Reynolds blush.

Josh Beckett, Pitcher

Josh Beckett

Clay Buchholz, Pitcher

Clay Buchholz
Image credit: Kelly O’Connor,

Jon Lester, Pitcher

Jon Lester

Jonathan Papelbon, Flamethrower

Image credit: Kelly O’Connor,

Doug Mirabelli, Novelty Catcher

Doug Mirabelli

Jason Varitek, Captain


Coco Crisp, Webgem

Coco Crisp

Dustin Pedroia, (I’d Like to Get to) Second Base (With Him)

Image credit: Kelly O’Connor,

David Ortiz, Designated Papi

David Ortiz

And finally, finally, sweet Baby Jesus, finally…

Jacoby Ellsbury



Image credit: Kelly O’Connor,

Another Jacoby

And what does it say about me that when I look at this picture…


All I can think about is this…

My Monitor Just Melted

Note: This is an artist’s interpretation (read: my own dirty little thought) and does not represent any time that Jacoby Ellsbury actually spent wrapped up in my sheets. Although I sure as hell wouldn’t kick him out for eating Cakesters in my bed, if you know what I’m saying. Actually, I wouldn’t kick him out if he was eating a human baby.

You’re welcome.


35 thoughts on “Bringing the Heat: The Boston Red Sox

  1. BRILLIANCE, JMoney, as always.

    And let me be the first to say: YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES & YES.

    (and I also nominate Brandon Moss, Kevin Cash, Eric Hinske, J.D. Drew and the muy sexy Mike Lowell… and Tim Wakefield, Manny Delcarmen, Mike Timlin and Hideki Okajima…. so, yeah, basically the whole roster)

  2. They are a handsome, handsome bunch. And I can’t be the only one who thinks Wake and Timlin are hot… that bowhunting camoflage really gets me going.

    Oh, Tek- you are so yummy.

  3. Why must I always mention Hugh Laurie?

    Because he makes the world go round? Because if he somehow developed the ability to play baseball and signed with the Sox I would be the first one to buy his jersey? Because he makes females half his age who could be his daughter want to bang him? Because that accent…

    Uhh, I think I got a little carried away. Back to the post. God DAMN are the Red Sox loaded with hotties. Question-hotter team: A’s, Tigers, or Red Sox?

  4. Fabulous post. Love the photo of my #1 binkie – Josh, but Jacoby has certainly wriggled his way up to my #2 spot, though, if he keeps up stuff like you have in the photos and gets some “experience”, he may give Josh a run for his money. And Tek is so cute with the tongue hanging out!

    I for one think Coco is adorable. I’m especially like the way he wears his hair nowadays – all Afro-puffed out with the headband. Too cute!

    BTW, having seen glimpses on TV of Jacoby running around the clubhouse without his shirt on, I don’t think you’re TOO far off on your artist rendition of his body. Yummy!

  5. ah, my boys, yum, yum… thanks for the ellsbury pics…note the thousand yard stare from cincho ocho’s sports illustrated cover picture…if you go to red sox monster, every week they have the fsn friendly’s scoop w/ papelbon and each week he’s been polling who is the sexiest redsox player. mike lowell is top choice so far…of course they haven’t asked any of us women..but last week papelbon said he would pose in playgirl mag…he gets to the top of my list just for that …

  6. Though, if J. Ellsbury is, in fact, an Original Person (can one make the ethno-nominative singular, or is it strictly a group, Original Peoples?), I think licking his face, etc., would have hallucinogenic affect. (Effect?) But maybe you should be into that sort of thing.

  7. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: NESN *must* ask Jacoby to sing a Navajo song on camera. His mom said he’d do it, and I consider it a crime against humanity we have not been able to see that awesomeness already.

    Jacoby singing in his family’s native Navajo tongue? Guh.

  8. I absolutely love Jacoby Ellsbury. I have been staring at that “artist’s interpretation” for a shamefully long time. He is so amazing. AND he has younger brothers. How many times must I think that before I stop obsessing about a guy several years older than I am?

    Papelbon. In. A. Skin. Tight. Shirt. And. Spandex. That just made me go all GUHHHH, watching him dance around like that. The jockstrap was a nice touch, too, but there wasn’t much of it.

  9. I have been at Fenway all weekend, and was completely sad to be home this morning, away from baseball’s hottest offerings, until I just saw this. You girls make this Red Sox fax proud (and, quite honetly, excited). Oh, and that picture of Varitek just solidified his spot as my future ex-husband.

  10. Nice pics of Jacoby. I’m old enough to be his mama, but he’s too amazing looking to not notice!

    And that’s probably the best picture I’ve ever seen of Papi. What a warm smile — he looks like a big teddy bear.

  11. I don’t know how many times I have said this while watching Sox games, but… JACOBY ELLSBURY IS ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS. and that Papelbon dance was a pretty blissful experience as well…

  12. Another awesome blog! It’s a tough choice – I’m a new fan to baseball (just moved here from Australia) and am SO glad I picked the Sox! I’m about to pick which jersey to buy – and at the moment my order of preference for jersey (which is an order of hotness really) is……

    1. Jacoby Ellsbury – this guy is re-defining hotness!!!
    2. Jacoby Ellsbury – he’s so hot he deserves 2 places :)
    3. Jonathon Papelbon – he’s such a lunatic, nothing’s hotter than that!
    3. Diasuke Matsuzaka – those yoda ears are SOOO cute
    4. Dustin Pedroia – a little short for me but so gutsy
    Jesus that 4th picture of Jacoby with the sleeve down thing – YAOWZERS!

  13. wOw Thats not art it is well…………………….. sorry the drool shorted the computer!!!!! Sweet!!!! Amazing NICE.

  14. I really thought that i was the only girl out there that had such a complete love affair with the Sox. Tek is my number one man, but I wouldn’t kick Pedroia..or anyone of them really…out of bed!

    Rock on!

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