Bringing the Heat: The Washington Nationals

Our nation’s capital, home to the President, several of Deadspin’s finest, and the Nationals.

I love D.C. Who doesn’t? It’s an amazing city, steeped in history, flush with great restaurants and bars, and has an awesome sports scene. What it does not have is a good looking baseball team.

The Starting Pitcher:

Your starting pitcher is supposed to intimidate and set the tone. No other structure in D.C. sets the tone quite like the Washington Monument. When engaged in a game of “Whose is Bigger?”, very few can stack up to this phallic masterpiece.

Your Lead-Off Man:

The Reflecting Pool may not look like much, but you’ll be surprised at how well it gets your “game” started. It does it all: provides a convenient meeting place, gives the ducks somewhere to swim, and even reflects the big dogs that flank it.

Your Clean Up Hitter:

The Lincoln Memorial provides much of the power in this lineup. Beautiful by day, and simply glorious at night, it can knock it out of the park for you.

Your Catcher:

It may be overshadowed by the Washington Monument the Lincoln Memorial, but the World War II Memorial shines on its own merits. It’s an excellent receiver to the Monument, but it also provides some pop of its own.

The Power Bat off the Bench:

Not one of the regulars, but definitely good enough to go to, the FDR Memorial brings it when his team needs it the most. He never tries to do too much at the plate, preferring to get the key hit that’ll win the game. But in a pinch, he can definitely knock one out.

The Closer:

Just as imposing as the starting pitcher, the Jefferson Memorial will rock your face off. Its grandeur is matched by few in the game, and he’s brought in to the shut the door on the other team. And he absolutely will. (Fun fact: one of the Ladies… may have lost her virginity at the feet of this memorial.)

Okay, okay, so the Nats have a few cuties (Shawn Hill, Ryan Church, Austin Kearns, Jesus Colome Flores, Ryan Zimmerman, Felipe Lopez, and Chris Schroder). But they play for the Nats! Try finding pics on these guys. All I find are pics from when these guys were on other teams. And they’re not very good ones either.

And besides, who’s gonna tell me that a team comprised of the monuments and memorials wouldn’t kick anyone’s ass? So they’re a little slow on the bases. I’d still put them up against the best any country has to offer.