Yesterday I got in touch with an old college boyfriend. I’d seen his name around the Fanhouse last football season and he’s working at some fantasy sports site on the side in addition his normal broadcast duties, yadda yadda yadda.
He’s out there in sports land, (albeit on a professional level), and I get to be apart of this rockin’ little sports blog, so I thought I’d drop him a line just to say “hi”.
One of the first things he says to me?
You realize the Pirates haven’t had a winning season since we last spoke. Coincidence?
Unfortunately, there is no comeback to that line. I said something about the Steelers, Super Bowls, and the young Penguins, but really, that phrase could hang in the air for weeks and still sting just as much. It is with that in my head, that I had to start working on this post.
I know the “Bringing the Heat” pieces are supposed to be upbeat celebrations of the hotties, and I am going to try my damnedest to do provide just that, despite how depressing I find it to be a Pirates fan.
So now that the lobotomy is over, on to the hotties!
Well hello, Mr. Nady. I know I might have mentioned this before, but do you know that you and I share the same birthday? No? Well, two Scorpios together would mean it was Fireworks Night every night. Less than 24 hours to do before the traded deadline, so I hope you’re still a Pirate when this post goes up. Wait! Positive! Must stay positive!
Ian, you are the one of the brightest spots on the roster this season. It was shamockery that you were not named to the All-Star game this season. For some reason, you seem to feel the weight of the entire club on your shoulders. Please do not let it get to you. Come, let me ease your mind, if only for awhile.
Adam LaRoche. I could stare into those eyes for hours. What are you thinking about here? What could have you so deep in thought? No matter. I’ll order us a couple of coffees and you can tell me what is troubling you, other than you should have stayed with the Braves.
Ryan Doumit. You are a journeyman. A man for all positions. If I am not mistaken, you’ve played about three different spots for the Pirates.
Let’s let that last sentence be, because no matter what I add after it, the words will just sound dirty.
Our sole All-Star, Freddy Sanchez.
The Parrot. I don’t care what anyone says, you are the best mascot in the world. Every time you have put my entire head in your beak, I’ve laugh so hard it hurt.
Chester Cheese, Oliver Onion, Sauerkraut Saul, and Jalapeño Hannah. I love you guys. Now bring back Potato Pete!
There are plenty of other hot guys on the team, but a gal has to have standards. Matt Kata? You are really hot, but batting .196. Ronny Paulino? Cute, but you’ve pissed me off all season with your shoddy work behind home plate. Jose Baustisa? Actually, I don’t find you that good looking, so it was an easy pass aside of the fact I’ve watch you blow an assload of plays this season.
The best looking part of the Pirates?
I spent all of 2001 in PNC Park, and looking at this pictures nearly had me in tears I got so home sick.
I wish there was a Pirate that I felt as strongly about as Clare and Texas Gal feel about Chase Utley and Aaron “Bacon Pants” Rowand, or Andie about Pujols and Rolen, or Metschick about David Wright. Oh sure, there was the time I tried to give Marc Wilkins Pop-tarts, but that was going on 10 years ago now.
I need more hotties now. (But will take a .500 season instead.)
(I tried, I really tried to stay positive this whole post. Sorry I failed.)