Bringing the Heat – Pittsburgh Pirates

Yesterday I got in touch with an old college boyfriend. I’d seen his name around the Fanhouse last football season and he’s working at some fantasy sports site on the side in addition his normal broadcast duties, yadda yadda yadda.

He’s out there in sports land, (albeit on a professional level), and I get to be apart of this rockin’ little sports blog, so I thought I’d drop him a line just to say “hi”.

One of the first things he says to me?

You realize the Pirates haven’t had a winning season since we last spoke. Coincidence?

Unfortunately, there is no comeback to that line. I said something about the Steelers, Super Bowls, and the young Penguins, but really, that phrase could hang in the air for weeks and still sting just as much. It is with that in my head, that I had to start working on this post.

I know the “Bringing the Heat” pieces are supposed to be upbeat celebrations of the hotties, and I am going to try my damnedest to do provide just that, despite how depressing I find it to be a Pirates fan.

So now that the lobotomy is over, on to the hotties!

 

Well hello, Mr. Nady. I know I might have mentioned this before, but do you know that you and I share the same birthday? No? Well, two Scorpios together would mean it was Fireworks Night every night. Less than 24 hours to do before the traded deadline, so I hope you’re still a Pirate when this post goes up. Wait! Positive! Must stay positive!

Ian, you are the one of the brightest spots on the roster this season. It was shamockery that you were not named to the All-Star game this season. For some reason, you seem to feel the weight of the entire club on your shoulders. Please do not let it get to you. Come, let me ease your mind, if only for awhile.

Adam LaRoche. I could stare into those eyes for hours. What are you thinking about here? What could have you so deep in thought? No matter. I’ll order us a couple of coffees and you can tell me what is troubling you, other than you should have stayed with the Braves.

Ryan Doumit. You are a journeyman. A man for all positions. If I am not mistaken, you’ve played about three different spots for the Pirates.

Let’s let that last sentence be, because no matter what I add after it, the words will just sound dirty.

Our sole All-Star, Freddy Sanchez.

The Parrot. I don’t care what anyone says, you are the best mascot in the world. Every time you have put my entire head in your beak, I’ve laugh so hard it hurt.

Chester Cheese, Oliver Onion, Sauerkraut Saul, and Jalapeño Hannah. I love you guys. Now bring back Potato Pete!

There are plenty of other hot guys on the team, but a gal has to have standards. Matt Kata? You are really hot, but batting .196. Ronny Paulino? Cute, but you’ve pissed me off all season with your shoddy work behind home plate. Jose Baustisa? Actually, I don’t find you that good looking, so it was an easy pass aside of the fact I’ve watch you blow an assload of plays this season.

The best looking part of the Pirates?

I spent all of 2001 in PNC Park, and looking at this pictures nearly had me in tears I got so home sick.

I wish there was a Pirate that I felt as strongly about as Clare and Texas Gal feel about Chase Utley and Aaron “Bacon Pants” Rowand, or Andie about Pujols and Rolen, or Metschick about David Wright. Oh sure, there was the time I tried to give Marc Wilkins Pop-tarts, but that was going on 10 years ago now.

I need more hotties now. (But will take a .500 season instead.)

(I tried, I really tried to stay positive this whole post. Sorry I failed.)

26 thoughts on “Bringing the Heat – Pittsburgh Pirates

  1. I had the opportunity to go to a game at PNC Park back in October of 2001, back when I lived in Pittsburgh. It’s a beautiful, beautiful park. OF course, the night I was there it was cold and rainy and windy, but it didn’t diminish just how nice that ballpark is. That picture with the rainbow is simply lovely.

    And that parrot PWNS the Phanatic, for real.

  2. My husband and I made the trip from Chicago, just from hearing so many good things about the PNC. We loved it; nothing we had read or heard really did it justice.

    I liked the city, too. I think it’s underappreciated.

  3. My brother moved to Pittsburgh a year ago, and I am dying to go to that ballpark. Sadly, I’ve burned so much vacation time already, it might have to wait until next year.

  4. Im not too familiar with Pittsburgh, but those are great shots of the city. I went to a Devils-Penguins game in 2003. The Mellon Arena is a steaming shit-hole. The Pens really needed a new home.

  5. So, first of all, I am not a Pirates fan. I’m not, like, anti-Pirates, I just don’t really follow them, and only know a few guys on the team. I knew even fewer guys on the team last year.

    This is relevant because, second of all, last year, I had this dream, in which I was internet friends with Ian Snell. And I was, in the dream, having a conversation with my BFF, and was all “yeah, I dunno. Snell’s kind of an anime nerd.” And then I woke up and was like “who the fuck is Ian Snell?” nd had to Google him to figure it out.

    So, that’s why he’s my favorite Pirate. It was fated. I still wish I knew why my subconscious thinks he’s really into anime, though.

  6. Thanks for the great pictures. I’m old enough to remember the Pirates in the 70′s/early 80′s, how sad they’ve come to the point that have now.

    I liked the city, too. I think it’s underappreciated.

    I went to Pittsburgh years ago and I was expecting a horrible, dirty, industrial hellhole of a city.

    Oh how wrong I was. If the Angels ever play there during the interleague rotation, I’d go back in a second.

  7. I liked the city, too. I think it’s underappreciated.

    Couldn’t agree more. I lived in Pittsburgh for five years, and I really grew to love the city. It’s beautiful, cheap to live in, has lots of cultural opportunities, a rabid sports fan base, and a remarkable sense of civic pride. Pittsburghers, to a man, are proud to be Pittsburghers. Philadelphians don’t share this sense of civic pride; Philadelphians feel a lot of angst because of their overbearing neighbors, New York and DC.

    ChasevidWrightley, I like you a lot, but you better RECOGNIZE that the Phanatic is P4WNED by no mascot.

  8. i’ve always felt jalapeno hannah and i were kindred souls sharing the same palindromic moniker

    sadly, i can only wish that my name was really sheena beaston

  9. I get text messages updating me on the pitchers, scoring plays, and end of the inning scores for Cubs games. I love getting the text when the Cubs are playing the Pirates, and Ian Snell is pitching, because the text says:

    Cubs at Pirates. Pitchers: C. Zambrano and I. Snell.

    I Snell!!! Bwah hah! Oh wait. I’m the only one who finds that funny.

  10. tsw: i actually have isa’s first cookbook (vegan with a vengeance), but i’ve been putting off getting the cupcakes book as i love baking and i love eating baked goods, and that plus an amazing cupcake cookbook would just go nowhere good fast. :)

  11. the phanatic pwns because he can stick his tongue out and lick you.
    that definately puts hin a cut above the rest (notthatihaveeverseenanothermascot,butthat’snotimportant)

  12. I didn’t have the opportunity to go to PNC when we visited, but we did eat literally RIGHT OUTSIDE the ballpark on a game day. I think of the four or five fans hanging around, waiting for the gates to open, they seemed VERY enthused about the upcoming season. (This would be when Sean Casey was just added to the roster and posters around Pittsburgh were proclaiming, “We Believe!”)

    In retrospect, that was a really great burger I had.

  13. I like to cheer on the Pittsburgh teams (when we aren’t playing them) as a kind of PA-comradery (I’m a Philadelphian…) type thing, but I have to admit that I’ve been there and I just found the city kind of depressing in general. Lovely park (PNC of course), very clean, nice buildings but…. just a general lack of cheeriness in the air. Was it just me? Maybe it’s the old coal-mining town thing it’s got going on, maybe the Iron City brew… but I feel like it could never be anything BUT depressing to be a Pirates fan, simply because of where they are. I know I know, let the attacks come. I’m ready.

    TSW, at least you have the Parrot to enjoy. He’s pretty cool. (not as cool as the Phanatic- I’m sorry!!! chasevid… shaaammeee)

  14. Phanatic is P4WNED by no mascot.

    *cough*Mr. Met*cough*

    I went last year to Pittsburgh, and I loved it. I loved the town, the bridges, PNC Park, the incline, everything. I want to go back soon.

  15. those are some great shots of PNC Park. way to stay loyal to your team, even when things look bleak. (I’m a Celtics fan, so I appreciate it.)

    on another note: this is my first day reading this blog, and I think it’s awesome! there are those who contend that girls don’t enjoy sports for the “right” reasons, since we’re busy drooling over the players… to them I say, we’re just enjoying sports on multiple levels, some of which elude you. don’t be jealous.

  16. I shall agree about PNC Park — nicest newly-minted stadium in MLB (Kaufman Stadium is still number one… & apparently, to have a nice stadium, your team has to suck) — but the Parrott looks like the Phanatic mated with Foghorn Leghorn. Wait, what?

    Also, I think we need to reconsider the Phillies Girls big two. Make it three. Chutley, Rowand, & Dobbs. (I am secure enough in my masculinity to admit that Dobbs has been undersold by the Ladies…) Maybe even put Dobbs over Rowand.

    Last, it’s a compliment when a straight dude gets a beer brought to him by another dude in Wrigleyville, right? Homosexuals hitting on heterosexuals means that the hetero dude should be drawing even twice as much flirtation from the ladies… (note: lower-case), huh? Not that I’d know anything about this. No way, nuh-uh, didn’t happen last nite.

  17. StarterBoyfriend, the 222 does not serve food, and I would not trust anything else that close to the stadium.

  18. I was in the PGH for the 1st time for about 28 hours Friday / Saturday for a wedding – had bugger all time to see much, but I did drive by PNC stadium – across a river, anyway- en route to the Phipps Conservancy (sp?). Very cool location, I’d go see a team there no matter how lousy, just for the experience.

  19. Greg Dobbs.

    yes.
    yes.
    YES.

    Thank you, Stu. And in terms of your predicament… it means that either A. you’re very attractive in general and yes, you should receive twice as much attention from the ladies… (lower-case noted), or B. you dress/act/present yourself like a homosexual. It’s up to you to decide whether it’s A or B, since I don’t know you. Er… not you. Right. It didn’t happen at all.

  20. MM – I think we ate at Atrias at PNC.

    DC – I used to always dream I’d get married at Phipps when I was little girl. Since I’ve been away, they’ve redone the place, and now I am not so sure.

  21. TSW, the wedding was in a garden to the right of the main entrance. Odd sculpture aside (it looked like giant pop rocks on a stick) it seemed very tasteful. FWIW.

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