I’d Buy That For A Dollar: Trade Deadline Hotties

As the trade deadline nears, the Ladies… are forced to contemplate that tough question that crops up this time each year: what will happen to all the hotties?

So we’re stepping into the shoes of Theo Epstein for the day (naturally, since he’s the hottest GM in the major leagues), and assigning a market value to the hottest ballplayers rumored to be up on the block– based solely on just how smokin’ they are. A cadre of the Ladies… (five to be exact, enough to fill a front office for an All-Hot Team) put the candidates through a rigorous evaluation process, and submitted their valuations- in dollar signs- of the hottest possibilities. After some difficult and lengthy calculations, we’re sharing our scouting report ranking their hottie value.

It’s a hot, hot market out there, and we’re not afraid to spend a pretty penny on a pretty boy. But just how much are each of these ballplayers worth?

*You will find no mention of Aaron Rowand anywhere on this list… because Bacon Pants is not going to be traded. I refuse to contemplate the possibility.

The Solid Investments

Michael Bourn (Phillies): $
Jason Jennings (Astros): $
Russ Springer (Cardinals): $
Jason Lane (Astros): $$
Octavio Dotel (Royals): $$$
Adam Dunn (Reds): $$$
Jason Isringhausen (Cardinals): $$$
Casey Kotchman (Angels): $$$
Andy LaRoche (Dodgers): $$$
Jermaine Dye (White Sox): $$$$

The Prime Property

Kyle Farnsworth (Yankees): $$$$$
Eric Gagne (Rangers): $$$$$
Mark Loretta (Astros): $$$$$
Wily Mo Pena (Red Sox): $$$$$$
Dontrelle Willis (Marlins): $$$$$$
Morgan Ensberg (Astros): $$$$$$$
Matt Morris (Giants): $$$$$$$
Derrick Turnbow (Brewers): $$$$$$$

And, finally… The Top-Dollar Transactions:

t9. Jon Garland: $$$$$$$$ [8]
Tall, dark and devastatingly handsome. Heat from the South Side.

t9. Mark Teixeira: $$$$$$$$ [8]
The most talked-about player on the market also ranked high here.

8. Xavier Nady: $$$$$$$$$ [9]
He looks pretty in any uni- maybe it’s time for a new one.

t6. Mark Grudzielanek: $$$$$$$$$$ [10]
If Grudz gets traded, maybe we’d have a chance to see him in the offseason.

t6. Brad Lidge: $$$$$$$$$$ [10]
We’d go lights out with Lights-Out Lidge any time.

5. Scott Proctor $$$$$$$$$$$ [11]
I thought I was the only one- but several of the Ladies… valued him high.

4. Paul Konerko: $$$$$$$$$$$$ [12]
High value for the Grinder from the South Side. The scruff works.

3. Pat Burrell: $$$$$$$$$$$$$$ [14]
Ladies love The Bat. Philly already called and offered us a trade.

2. Noah Lowry: $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ [15]
Surefire way to heat up a flagging pitching staff. Or a Lady…

And the hottest of the hot, the fella who’d command tip-top dollar in the hottie market, the ballplayer all the Ladies… want on their team:

1. Jarrod Saltalamacchia: $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ [18] + “Fort fucking Knox”
Seriously. Just look at him.

And who were the lowest-valued guys out of the bunch? Two in particular drew visceral reactions from members of the Ladies… Front Office:

Ian Snell – valued at 1¢
Scott Olsen – “I’ll give you money to take him off my hands”