Baseballs. Bats. Berman. Liveblogging the Home Run Derby

What’s more fun than a meaningless Home Run Derby that drags on for 3 hours, broadcast by a Baker-Berman tagteam (and assisted by Kenny Mayne… in a kayak), chockfull of 1,000 player’s kids plus lameass interviews of both Bonds AND ARod? That same Home Run Derby… when liveblogged by the Ladies…!

Ryan Howard doesn’t have time for ballcaps- he’s got HRs to hit!

Each of the Ladies… claimed one of the 8 Derby participants for her very own– and then we all gathered together to revel in the inanity, discuss the intricacies of the hot butts on display, and make fun of ARod. Play along with us after the jump…

Team Clare: Ryan Howard

Team Texas Gal: Justin Morneau

Team Metschick: Alex Rios

Team SA: Magglio Ordonez

Team Lady Andrea: Albert Pujols

Team TheStarterWife: Vladimir Guerrero

Team Holly: Matt Holliday

Team GordonShumway: Prince Fielder

We start off with TheStarterWife, Holly, Texas Gal and Lady Andrea. Metschick and SA jump in for parts. GordonShumway sends a few riotous missives by carrier pigeon. And Clare is conveniently absent from the “fun” because she’s in Las Vegas… that lucky Lady.

TheStarterWife: BOOO I got an Angel
Holly: lolz!!
Texas Gal: HAHAHAHAHA
TheStarterWife: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Texas Gal: and now you HAVE to root for him
TheStarterWife: I wanted Holliday, but that Holly is ninja fast
TheStarterWife: root smoot
Holly: *blows smoke off finger guns*
Texas Gal: I want Holliday too
Texas Gal: but for a different purpose
TheStarterWife: I still haven’t even turned on the TV

Texas Gal: OK – I have never seen this Papi & Urlacher commercial until now
Texas Gal: this is AWESOME
Texas Gal: And it’s Vitamin Water – so they COULD have had DWright, too
Holly: OK, don’t laugh.
Holly: But I find Vitamin Water lemonade to be delicious.
Texas Gal: I’ve actually never tried any of it
Lady Andrea: I like Vitamin water
Lady Andrea: the purple flavor is good
Texas Gal: isn’t there a blue color?
Texas Gal: I bet I’d like that
Texas Gal: blue-colored food products are always tasty
Holly: I will drink anything blue that’s not clearly marked “drano”
Texas Gal: except Drano
Holly: TWINSIES. *crazy eyes*
TheStarterWife: Purple Flavor?
Lady Andrea: yep
TheStarterWife: Is that a crunk juice?
Lady Andrea: whatever “flavor” that is
Lady Andrea: it’s good
Holly: I think “blue” should be a flavor in and of itself.

And we’re live at the Derby in San Francisco- with some random and assorted pregame action. Yes, there is a musical act to kick things off. Who the hell knows why.

Texas Gal: A Rod and Bonds chatting it up
Texas Gal: Think ARod is asking for the nearest strip club? Cause you know Barry knows.
Lady Andrea: I don’t think Barry and ARod have the same types at all
Holly: I bet Barry’s a crier.
Texas Gal: COUNTING CROWS?
Texas Gal: That’s the best they could do?
Texas Gal: Really?
Lady Andrea: ewww, he’s looked better
TheStarterWife: Man, hard to believe there was a time where he plowed through every A-lister
Texas Gal: Courteney Cox, especially
Lady Andrea: I like this song…….*hangs head in shame*
Texas Gal: The song is fine… but- Counting Crows?

Texas Gal: Putz filming the concert with his video camera
Texas Gal: And random small child in a Red Sox jersey
Lady Andrea: little boys in baseball unis are the cutest
Texas Gal: It’s not Beckett’s or Papyboo’s kid…
Texas Gal: THAT WE KNOW OF

Berman announces the eight Derby participants.

Texas Gal: Berman is already annoying me
Texas Gal: this does not bode well
Holly: *rubs eyes in shock*
TheStarterWife: I need a cocktail
Lady Andrea: I’ve got a six pack, I’m ready to rock
Texas Gal: MMMMMMMMMMM Morneau
Texas Gal: He is pretty and tall and broad and hot
Texas Gal: MMMMMMMMM Matt
Holly: WOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! BAYSBAWL
TheStarterWife: BOOOOOOOOOOOO SINCE Holly GOT HIM
Lady Andrea: he’s so pretty
Texas Gal: Holliday has the squarest jaw that ever did square
Holly: You could hammer nails with that thing.
Lady Andrea: I liked Maggs better with shorter hair. That’s wrong, I know….
Texas Gal: Nope, me too – the long curls are not a good look
Texas Gal: Alby Pooholes
Lady Andrea: Pujols! I lurve him
Texas Gal: Those giant chains he’s wearing are going to injure him when they smack him in the face
Lady Andrea: Rios is adorable
Texas Gal: “a nice young outfielder”
Texas Gal: Prince jogging in to the plate is funny
Texas Gal: RYHO
Lady Andrea: Ryan Howard played trombone in high school?
Lady Andrea: that’s awesome!
Texas Gal: It’s TSW’s guy!
Texas Gal: She hearts the Angels
TheStarterWife: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Texas Gal: You can’t boo your own guy
TheStarterWife: wait
TheStarterWife: my guy
TheStarterWife: um
TheStarterWife: Yea!
Holly: Hey, he’s from the Angels! How do you not like Angels?
Holly: They’re ANGELS.
TheStarterWife: DON’T MAKE ME SHOW YOU THE MAP AGAIN
Holly: (pleasedon’thitmyface)
Holly: *skedaddles*

Willy McCovey is introduced, and personally hands to each of the 8 Derby guys a special McCovey bat made for the occasion.

Texas Gal: McCovey Cove mentions: 2
Texas Gal: (so far)
Holly: drink!
Texas Gal: 3
Holly: drink!
TheStarterWife: awww…. the Cove
TheStarterWife: like he summered there

Texas Gal: McCovey looks like he wants to kick Berman in the balls, and then laugh
Lady Andrea: I would pay good money to see that
Holly: I would drive the getaway golf cart.
Texas Gal: The confusion on live TV is awesome
TheStarterWife: ugh
TheStarterWife: act like youve been here before
Holly: Word, TSW.
Texas Gal: This is actually quite charming- handing the special bat to each guy
Holly: I want A-Rod’s to have streamers.
Holly: Like a small girl’s bicycle.
Lady Andrea: ARod got [a bat]?
Texas Gal: No – ARod will just have to do favors for one of the real sluggers later to get one
Lady Andrea: that shouldn’t be a problem
Texas Gal: Vlad is already pissing me off. Just standing there.
Texas Gal: I am rooting against him.
Holly: I wish Vlad was hotter.
Holly: Then I would feel comfortable calling him Vlad the Impaler.

And we are introduced to the stellar ESPN broadcasting team- including Chris Berman and Dusty Baker. And for some inexplicable reason, Kenny Mayne is out on a kayak in McCovey Cove.

Texas Gal: DUSTY FUCKING BAKER
Texas Gal: why does he always ruin everything?
Texas Gal: because he does
Texas Gal: (ruin everything)
Lady Andrea: in a powder blue suit, no less
Texas Gal: I know. It hurts my eyes.
Lady Andrea: for reals

Lady Andrea: oh my god [Kenny Mayne]
Lady Andrea: Dance with the Stars, now this
Texas Gal: Kenny Mayne – from Dancing With the Stars to a stupid blue kayak
Texas Gal: TWINSIES
Holly: KENNY, JUSTIFY MY LOVE. This is NOT HELPING.
Lady Andrea: he’s a handsome man, I’ll say that
Texas Gal: please, please, PLEASE let him fall in the water
TheStarterWife: Texy – you know he used to be a garbage man
TheStarterWife: it could be worse for Kenny
Texas Gal: WHAT?
Holly: ???
Holly: AROO??
Holly: [/scooby doo]
TheStarterWife: he was
TheStarterWife: In Seattle I think?
TheStarterWife: it was a long time ago
Texas Gal: Whoa. So wearing a stupid lifejacket in a stupid blue kayak is a big step up.
Holly: But, like, a lithe, lean garbage man like in some trailer trashharlequin novel, right?
Lady Andrea: Men at Work, really
Texas Gal: Was he Charlie Sheen? Or Emilio?
Lady Andrea: or crazy Louis who says you never steal another man’s fries

Texas Gal: I don’t know if they could put together a shittier group than these 3
Texas Gal: Berman makes me want to rip my ears off, Dusty makes me want to stab my eyes with a fork
Holly: Texy, don’t rip your ears off, you’d just be giving him a delicious snack.
Texas Gal: HAH. And true.
TheStarterWife: ok for reals
TheStarterWife: I need booze for this
Texas Gal: ME TOO
Texas Gal: I’m gonna grab a Shiner – or three
Lady Andrea: I need another beer, too
Holly: I need to NOT BE AT THE DAMN OFFICE

Texas Gal: Ryan Howard has long, beautiful eyelashes
Texas Gal: they curl up so perfectly, I wonder if he uses an eyelash curler
Holly: Would you love him any less if he did?
Texas Gal: No.
Texas Gal: Sadly.

First up to bat, Justin Morneau (Minnesota Twins).

Texas Gal: JUSTIN!!!!!
Texas Gal: So hot and strong and Canadian and tall and muscle-y.
Texas Gal: You know who else wears #33? I’m just saying…
Texas Gal: Morneau was destined to be my dude.
Lady Andrea: Morneau needs to get going
Texas Gal: The gold ball they use for the 10th out – oooooooh
Texas Gal: speshul
Texas Gal: Awwww. Just four HRs?
Texas Gal: That’s not gonna cut it, I don’t think.
Lady Andrea: you can comfort him, Texy
Texas Gal: Yes. This is an excellent plan.

Justin Morneau

TheStarterWife: I really like this year’s jerseys
Lady Andrea: TSW, I do too
Texas Gal: Yeah- they assault the eyes much less than previous
Lady Andrea: “Our Country” commercial time #3
TheStarterWife: Ugh
Holly: Drink! And then punch someone.
Texas Gal: YES
TheStarterWife: that song has been playing for a year
Texas Gal: they amped it up during football, too
Holly: It’s like crabgrass.
<A commercial tells us David Beckham is going to be playing soccer here in the US soon!>
Texas Gal: UGH
Texas Gal: We are NOT GOING TO LIKE BECKHAM
Texas Gal: so quit with the force feeding
Texas Gal: GIVE IT UP
TheStarterWife: an ad that three people cared about
Holly: Get bent, beckham.
Texas Gal: I can’t help but still like Vicky, though
Texas Gal: I don’t know why
Texas Gal: She’s kind of a bitch
Holly: Because praying mantises are adorable?
Texas Gal: And cuddly. Don’t forget cuddly.
Holly: And eat their young.

Next up, Matt Holliday (Colorado Rockies).

Texas Gal: Holliday enters the box.
Texas Gal: Ahem.
Lady Andrea: mmmm, Holliday
Holly: AAAWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Holly: (that was me being hungry like the wolf)
Lady Andrea: juices like wine and all that?
Holly: Would that my BAC was that high, Andie.
Texas Gal: I want it known right now that this guy is an Okie
Texas Gal: And he was supposed to be the QB at OSU, but played baysbawl instead
TheStarterWife: wait
TheStarterWife: did we miss a ball because of the Berman commentary?
Lady Andrea: yeah, we missed an out TSW
TheStarterWife: ok – I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t hearing things

Matt Holliday

Texas Gal: Holliday and his stupidsexy square chin are kicking the tar out of my Mo
Holly: *preen*
Holly: Yes, I am fully prepared to throw my juju behind a guy I had NEVER HEARD OF before this morning.
Lady Andrea: Holliday’s on fire
Texas Gal: I can only blame Holly
Texas Gal: Because HOLLidaY is showing off for HOLLY
Texas Gal: (see what I did there?)
Holly: I SEE THAT.
Texas Gal: OH DO YOU
Holly: I DO
Texas Gal: REALLY
Holly: YOU ARE V. FUNNY.
Texas Gal: NO YOU ARE
Holly: WHY ARE WE SHOUTING
Lady Andrea: *cowers in the corner*
Texas Gal: BECAUSE OUR CAPSLOCK KEYS ARE BROKEN
Holly: Maybe it’s more of the YELLING TO BE HEARD OVER THE CHEERS IN THE BALLPARK

It’s time for Magglio Ordonez (Detroit Tigers) to bat- but we’re “treated” to an interview by Peter Gammons with Barry Bonds while Maggs bats.

Texas Gal: Hey, Bonds- you suck!
Texas Gal: Just in case he didn’t know.
TheStarterWife: He doesn’t have people out there
TheStarterWife: what a lie
Texas Gal: Holliday with 5. Mo with 4. I just have to hope Mo can somehow make the cut.
Lady Andrea: 5 HRs, not off to an auspicious start
Texas Gal: the slow-motion batting replay shot of Matt is awesome
Texas Gal: I wish there were a show on TV with just slow-mo shots of athletes in action
Texas Gal: LOOK AT [MATT’S] THIGHS
Texas Gal: sorry- but that needed to be shouted
Texas Gal: because WOW
TheStarterWife: god he has a nice smile

Magglio Ordonez

Lady Andrea: Maggs is so cute!
TheStarterWife: I do like O
Texas Gal: Maggs’ hair is blowing in the wind. A strong gust might catch it like a sail and carry him away.
Lady Andrea: I don’t even mind the Soul Glo hair
TheStarterWife: I love his hair
TheStarterWife: is not Soul Glo- y / greasy at all
Texas Gal: Not me. He would be 10x hotter with it cut high and tight.
Lady Andrea: I agree, Mel
Texas Gal: Also, Barry: shut up
Lady Andrea: “I’m on so much juice I might pop a tricep before I break the record”
Texas Gal: You did not want to do [the Derby], jerk
Texas Gal: No one believes you
TheStarterWife: he’s not capable of doing it?
TheStarterWife: don’t they make pills for that?
TheStarterWife: (Sorry, one drink and I’ve already gone blue)
Texas Gal: (but it was a good one)
Holly: Our favorite drink flavor!
Texas Gal: Blue drinks make you happy
Lady Andrea: I hate Barry Bonds
Texas Gal: Shut your stupid lying mouth
Holly: It’s about suppression, Barry.
Lady Andrea: oh, whatever! “not on my mind at all”
Texas Gal: Those poor children. What irresponsible parenting- to put your child in a Bonds shirt.
Holly: Prolly trying to get autographs for themselves.
Texas Gal: SHUT UP BARRY
Texas Gal: YOU ARE MORE ANNOYING THAN BERMAN
Lady Andrea: I know, can we watch the effing derby?
Texas Gal: Barry attempts to explain away why Hank Aaron hates his ass
TheStarterWife: Of course “Hank has a life”
Lady Andrea: Barry has a higher voice than I expect him to
Holly: Testicle shrinking!
Texas Gal: “I don’t know what a commissioner does”
Texas Gal: Me, either, Barry
TheStarterWife: No one knows what the commissioner does
Texas Gal: He apparently doesn’t police steroid use
Texas Gal: But by god those players better not wear pins for cancer children on their hats
Holly: Because cancer kids are the real enemy

The cut to commercials features photos of tomorrow’s starting pitchers- Dan Haren and Jake Peavy. And we discuss taking over the world with our broadcasting team.

Texas Gal: Peavy looking hot
Texas Gal: even with that giant lump of dip
Lady Andrea: A Peavy-Haran sandwich?
Lady Andrea: I could think of worse ways to spend my time
Holly: God, would we make a great booth team?
Texas Gal: They really need to pay us
Holly: I just hear Texy drawling “Peavy looking hot” in a matter-of-fact tone as he strolls to the mound.
Texas Gal: It really is fact, though
Holly: Exactly.
Texas Gal: We could be an alternate-track on DirecTV or something.
Texas Gal: And then we get press passes
Texas Gal: and that means… LOCKER ROOM
Lady Andrea: *swoon*
Lady Andrea: locker room
Texas Gal: Just for the interviews, of course
Lady Andrea: speak for yourself

Albert Pujols takes his turn, and once again we get a simultaneous interview with a douche while he bats- the douche this time is Alex Rodriguez.

Lady Andrea: Al-bert, Al-bert, Al-bert
Lady Andrea: time for Albert to get his swing back!
Texas Gal: I see he can watch the ball go across the plate as well as Pat Burrell
Lady Andrea: I love Pujols’s stance
Texas Gal: I love Pujols’ butt
Texas Gal: OH CRAP
Texas Gal: shut up ARod
Lady Andrea: nobody cares about ARod
Texas Gal: “I have dinner in about an hour”
Texas Gal: With who, ARod?
Texas Gal: the wife or the side piece?
Lady Andrea: hah
Texas Gal: His hair looks like shit
Texas Gal: And he’s wearing a suit that looks like it belongs on an 80’s weatherman
Lady Andrea: I like the blue tie, though
Texas Gal: I am required to hate everything about him
Texas Gal: He is a Yankee
GordonShumway: A-Rod, has apparently joined a doo-wop band. Nice outfit. Now I’d like to hear “Under the Boardwalk” please.
Texas Gal: So fascinating, that ARod. I could listen to him talk all day.
Lady Andrea: haha
Texas Gal: time for the special gold ball
Lady Andrea: woo!
Texas Gal: Wait a minute… gold ball…. David Beckham… golden balls. It’s all making sense now.

Albert Pujols

Lady Andrea: cute kids!
Texas Gal: AWWWWW
Texas Gal: cute kid overload
Texas Gal: there were of 10 ’em
Lady Andrea: I love cute kids in uniforms
TheStarterWife: man those kids need some Ritalin or something
Texas Gal: a leash
Lady Andrea: haha
<Kenny Mayne and his kayak are now out of the Cove and up next to the ESPN boat>
Texas Gal: I like how Kenny in his kayak is way the hell out and away from the people who are actually in the Cove
TheStarterWife: KIND OF EMBARASSING, Kenny?
Texas Gal: excellent reporting, guys
Holly: JOURNALISM.
Holly: (to be read in the voice of the THIS IS CNN guy)
TheStarterWife: remember the SNL skit with the one man mobile crew on CNN in the first Gulf war?
TheStarterWife: That is Kenny

Next up to bat: Alex Rios (Toronto Blue Jays)

Texas Gal: Rios is a skinny little thing
Texas Gal: Maybe that’s just because Pujols was just up
Texas Gal: anyone would look skinny next to those monster thighs
Lady Andrea: Rios is a skinny guy, thogh
Texas Gal: Yeah- you didn’t get to analyze Pujols “much”, Berman- because you were ignoring him for ARod
Texas Gal: jackass
Lady Andrea: wow, if this were the Ground Rule Double Derby….
Holly: LOL

ESPN shows Jonathan Papelbon standing with the AL guys

Texas Gal: PAPYBOO
Texas Gal: PAPYBOO
Texas Gal: PAPYBOO
Holly: *swoons dead away*
Texas Gal: I want to lick that neck
Holly: God dammit, my panties are on fire.
Holly: brb
Texas Gal: I wish I could concentrate on Rios’ pretty eyes
Texas Gal: But I can only think of that view of Papyboo from behind
TheStarterWife: wait, did Holly just say her panties are on fire and then BRB us?
TheStarterWife: wow
Texas Gal: she had to take care of, uh, some pressing business
Texas Gal: if I didn’t know Papyboo was in SF and she’s in LA, I’d be worried

“Sideline” interview with Jake Peavy

Lady Andrea: Peavy!
Lady Andrea: oh my god, he’s so cute!
Texas Gal: His blue eyes- sigh
Lady Andrea: whatta grin
Texas Gal: He’s covered in his brood, though
Texas Gal: that’s a turnoff
Lady Andrea: not to me
Lady Andrea: that’s cute
Texas Gal: that one child of his has a baseball glove covering his face and head. there’s something wrong with that one.

Alex Rios

Lady Andrea: Texy, whatta they do about ties?
TheStarterWife: Ties?
TheStarterWife: I am not kissing anyone
Texas Gal: I think they might measure the longest one?
Texas Gal: Not sure.
Lady Andrea: heh
Lady Andrea: size does matter, then
Texas Gal: I volunteer to measure the longest ones
Lady Andrea: there’s room for all of us

Holly: Whew! What’d I miss?
Texas Gal: you missed us measuring all the longest ones of the guys
Texas Gal: And Peavy covered in his children
Holly: At least we know he’s virile.
Texas Gal: Note he was NOT dipping while sitting with all his kids.
Lady Andrea: cause he’s all class
Texas Gal: Klass. With a K.
Texas Gal: GEDDIT
Holly: but that’s not how you spell….OH.

Metschick joins our little gang for awhile.

Texas Gal: METSYYYYYY
Holly: METSAYYY!
Holly: *hic*
Metschick: hey…
Texas Gal: You just missed Rios
Metschick: i was watching
Texas Gal: Good, Metsy. I’d be sad if you missed your boy.
Metschick: and Rios is so adorable. Love his eyes
Lady Andrea: “does whatever a Spider Pig does” makes me laugh
Texas Gal: I am on beer three. And that Spider Pig business gets funnier the more beer you have.
Lady Andrea: I’m on beer three too, Texy
Holly: WTF is a spider pig?
Lady Andrea: does anybody else think this Trolley Race is just so ridiculously weird
Lady Andrea: as they crash into the bay and drown?
Holly: Yeah, mass drownings always leave me a little cold.
Texas Gal: I think it’s ridiculously weird that Andruw Jones was invited on that trolley
Metschick: poor Andruw Jones… (heh, fuck him)
Texas Gal: Not poor Andruw- poor Andruw gets paid entirely too well to suck that bad AND get sympathy
Texas Gal: But he is tasty to look at

Back from commercial, ESPN tells us that Matt Holliday has hit two of the three longest HRs so far.

Texas Gal: Holliday has the two longest balls
Texas Gal: ahem
Lady Andrea: heh
Holly: *coughing fit*
Lady Andrea: ba dump ching!
Texas Gal: (Holly is imagining Holliday’s balls again)
Holly: Yeah, that was the coughing fit.

Next up to bat, Prince Fielder (Milwaukee Brewers).

Texas Gal: And… Prince time
GordonShumway: Prince’s pant legs are bigger than my apartment. Actually, each of his thighs are approximately the size of Prince the singer.
Lady Andrea: who’s got Prince?
Lady Andrea: GordonShumway?
Texas Gal: yup
GordonShumway: The guys in the booth just noticed that Prince is a big boy. “He must’ve been big at birth”. And now, back to the studio for an interview with Mrs. Fielder’s uterus, which is large enough to hold most of Epcot Center.
Lady Andrea: where is that funny lady?
TheStarterWife: You say funny
TheStarterWife: I say sex
TheStarterWife: sexy
Texas Gal: THOME
Metschick: off being funny, and working out her abs
GordonShumway: Prince’s first hit was misplayed by the kid in the outfield. Nice. We’ve just seen my entire baseball career personified. Or, come to think of it, my entire dating history.
GordonShumway: His second pitch is a homer. Hooray! He’s batting…like, um, half of 1.000.

Texas Gal: ARod and Bonds together – add in AJ Peniszynski, and you’ve got the three baseball guys I hate the most
Lady Andrea: hmmmm….. Yeah, those would be right up there
Holly: I’d like Holliday to be right up there. (what?)
Holly: *ducks*

SA also joins us for a bit.

Holly: ESSSAAAAY
TheStarterWife: SA
SA: howdy
SA: i’ve turned it on ESPN and already i’m regretting it
Holly: Welcome to the club, baby. We got jackets.
Holly: (HOLY SHIT WHY DO WE NOT HAVE JACKETS)
Lady Andrea: we should have jackets
Holly: Like the Pink Ladies jackets.

GordonShumway: I hope the kids in the outfield are from the Make-a-Wish foundation. There’s no other excuse for them being such horrid athletes. Unless they were, say, me.
Metschick: I agree, I don’t understand how those kids can’t catch the easiest fly balls…
Texas Gal: are those player’s kids in the OF?
Texas Gal: if so, they need some lessons from dad, stat
GordonShumway: “Doesn’t Prince look a lot like Jerome Bettis”? Thank you, announcers, for that riveting performance of “Let’s Compare One Large Black Man to Another Large Black Man”. I enjoyed it immensely.

Prince Fielder

Texas Gal: Does everyone see the little blonde-curled Holliday kid?
Texas Gal: Curls, y’all.
Metschick: i swoon over MOST of those MLB babies
Metschick: so cute…
Lady Andrea: I know!
Texas Gal: And his papa’s pretty eyes
Metschick: when I was pregnant, I’d show my husband a pic of Pujols’ baby and say “my baby better be this cute!!!”
Texas Gal: Prince’s kid picks his nose, meanwhile
Lady Andrea: the kid on screen right now looks drunk
Texas Gal: He’s probably sedated
Lady Andrea: Sheets’ kid is three sheets to the wind!
Lady Andrea: (see what I did there?)

The Derby is long and boring, but the Wii is not.

TheStarterWife: Man, I would rather be playing Home Run Derby on the Wii
TheStarterWife: this takes too long
Holly: I concur.
Metschick: my shoulder aches after playing home run derby.
TheStarterWife: Mine too
TheStarterWife: but the Wii has helped my game on the field
TheStarterWife: so I will take it
Metschick: I like tapping my foot right before I hit. I have a timing mechanism…
Metschick: I’m such a dork
TheStarterWife: Wanda – I look for the flinch
SA: i don’t have a wii. i feel left out
Metschick: they’re tremendous fun
Holly: Me either, I just mack on my friends’.
Texas Gal: I love mine. When I get a chance to play.
Texas Gal: Baseball and tennis are my favorites.
Texas Gal: Even though I don’t really know how to play tennis.
Lady Andrea: I don’t have a Wii either, SA
Metschick: my favorite wii sport is bowling… I kick ass
Holly: I love Wii golf because it is nothing like Actual Golf, at which I am terrible.

Next up to bat, Vladimir Guerrero (Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim).

Texas Gal: Vlad’s pants are SUPER tight.
Texas Gal: Like, “hello little Vlad” tight.
Holly: Can you see his impaler?
Holly: (I will never tire of this joke)
TheStarterWife: I have the ugliest hottie here
Lady Andrea: yeah, Vlad is a little scary looking
Metschick: vlad scares me
Metschick: he reminds me of Lenny from Of Mice and Men
Holly: mouuusy
Metschick: he looks like he will kill his pets accidentally by petting them
Lady Andrea: yeah, he does Mets
Metschick: I feel bad for his lady friend
Texas Gal: I agree, Metsy
Texas Gal: Impale-her
Metschick: lol

Vlad is having some trouble hitting the ball, and fellow Dominican and AL’er David Ortiz walks over and grabs the bat out of Vlad’s hands and brings out a special bat in a case for him to use instead.

Texas Gal: Papi brings out the special bat for Vlad
Texas Gal: HILARIOUS
TheStarterWife: the funniest
Lady Andrea: Papi’s cute
Metschick: yeah, he’s a sweeetheart too
Metschick: Papi is, I met him in DR a few winters back
Metschick: he was really nice… and has a sweet black Escalade
Texas Gal: Papi has a man crush on Vlad
Metschick: DOMINICANO!!
TheStarterWife: Vlad just won my heart with that
Texas Gal: But I don’t want to see Vlad’s “bat”
Texas Gal: But I am anyway
Texas Gal: Those pants are REALLY tight
TheStarterWife: At least my hottie is all natural

ESPN loves Texas Gal, and shows Aaron Rowand holding his son.

Texas Gal: BACON
Texas Gal: BACON
Texas Gal: BACON
Metschick: BAAAAAACON!
Texas Gal: I love you Bacon Pants
Holly: He certainly is cracklin’.
Texas Gal: Sweet lord, don’t go down that path- I will not recover
Texas Gal: Vlad makes an excellent cold shower
TheStarterWife: You know
TheStarterWife: for a big fat guy
TheStarterWife: [Vlad] has a nice ass
Texas Gal: Please go back to Bacon Pants
Texas Gal: Or Papyboo
Texas Gal: I’m not picky – just no more Vlad

Last, but not least, is Ryan Howard (Philadelphia Phillies)

Metschick: did berman just say ramon hernandez?
Lady Andrea: yes
Metschick: cause the guy throwing the ball to ryho is ramon henderson…
Texas Gal: It’s all the same Ramon to Berman.
Metschick: Ryho looks so cute with the backwards cap, reminds me of Griffey back in the day
Lady Andrea: Back in the Day Griffey was so cute
Texas Gal: Ryan’s hat comes off. he means business, y’all
SA: why is arod in a suit?
Texas Gal: ARod is in a suit because he sucks.
Texas Gal: (that’s my standard reason for everything he does)
SA: he does know it’s a freaking hr derby right? wear the damn uniform
Holly: Word, SA.
Metschick: A-Rod’s a dork
Metschick: that suit is not cute.
Texas Gal: He’s not in the uni- so he can be dressed up to go meet [fill in the name of a muscular-looking woman]

Ryan Howard

Lady Andrea: oh my god, Pujols might advance! This is ridiculous
Texas Gal: Bat off
Texas Gal: we need to see a bat off
Texas Gal: that would rule
Lady Andrea: I agree
Lady Andrea: it’ll be Morneau and Pujols!
Lady Andrea: and maybe Howard
Texas Gal: I don’t know what a Bat Off is, but it sounds awesome
Texas Gal: I’m hoping it means they take turns batting ARod in the head
Holly: It’ll be like West Side Story, but with more blunt force trauma.
Lady Andrea: I just snorted beer up my nose

Matt Holliday, Alex Rios and Vlad Guerrero all have 5 homeruns apiece; Justin Morneau and Albert Pujols each have 4 homeruns apiece. Since only 4 guys advance to the next round, Morneau and Pujols have to battle it out in a Bat Off.

Texas Gal: BAT OFF
Lady Andrea: Holliday, Rios, Vlad
Metschick: RIOS!
Lady Andrea: with Pujols and Morneau tied at 4 each
Texas Gal: Mo in the BAT OFF
Metschick: CHA-LLENGE
Metschick: EVERYTHING I SAY IS IMPORTANT
Metschick: (sorry, force of habit when I use caps)
Texas Gal: Yes, Metsy, it’s true
Holly: It shouldn’t even say caps lock on the key
Holly: It should just say S.A.S.
Metschick: i would buy that keyboard
Metschick: and pay for it with several bags of delicious cheez doodlez
Lady Andrea: two men enter, one man leaves
Texas Gal: Let’s go Mo
Texas Gal: Turn on that power Canadians are known for… or something
Holly: They should settle this in the octagon.
Texas Gal: They should settle this in my pants
Metschick: Will Kobe let anyone else into the octagon?
Lady Andrea: a Gene Krupa reference?
Texas Gal: God, SHUT UP BERMAN
Lady Andrea: a swing-off! It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that swing!
Texas Gal: MO MO MO MO
Lady Andrea: Pu-jols! Pu-jols!
Holly: While we’re on the subject of “-offs”…Who would not pay to see them do a Zoolander style?
Lady Andrea: Pujols can bring the Blue Steel, I’m sure of it
Texas Gal: Blue Steel it out, Mo
Holly: Vlad throws Blue Steel, and the camera lens just shatters.

Justin Morneau bats first in the Bat Off, and gets exactly one HR.

Metschick: so, how does this bat-off work?
Texas Gal: most HRs out of 5 swings moves on
Texas Gal: DAMNIT MO
Texas Gal: never trust Canadians
Lady Andrea: blame Canada
Texas Gal: I do

Pujols quickly pops out two HRs, and advances to the next round.

Lady Andrea: WOO!
Texas Gal: Well hell
Texas Gal: So TSW’s boy, LA’s boy, Metsy’s boy and Holly’s boy
Lady Andrea: yay
Texas Gal: “don’t wait til the horse is out of the barn” — what does that even mean?
Lady Andrea: nobody knows what Berman ever means
Holly: No use crying over a rolling stone, Berman.
Texas Gal: Torii and Johan comfort Justin by hitting him
Texas Gal: Justin, come here, darlin’ – I’ll make it all better
TheStarterWife: Ugh
TheStarterWife: This is still going?
Texas Gal: We only have 8 hours left to go!
Lady Andrea: I like the derby
TheStarterWife: Is it Wednesday yet? ;-)
Holly: Is it August yet?
Texas Gal: No, woman. We’re still in Baseball Time. Hold your horses, and enjoy the (Holliday) scenery.

Kenny Mayne has now officially relinquished his spot in the kayak, and is on the ESPN boat.

Texas Gal: Brilliant idea, ESPN. Put Kenny in a kayak, and he lasts out there for all of 3 minutes.
Holly: They should put him in a pool of sharks.
Texas Gal: Now that would be a brilliant idea.
Lady Andrea: HR Derby with Sharks
Texas Gal: Tell the ESPN Ombudsman.
Holly: ombudsladyperson
Texas Gal: You can’t tell me that wouldn’t be more exciting.
Lady Andrea: with laser beams on their heads
Texas Gal: Would the children be out there, too?
Lady Andrea: to feed to the sharks!
Holly: Sharks gotta eat.
Lady Andrea: children are tasty
Texas Gal: Holliday is tasty.
Holly: and how.
Texas Gal: You know what’s tasty-est? Bacon. I need some.
Texas Gal: Of the Pants variety.

Second round, Matt Holliday up first.

Texas Gal: Holliday has the cutest little kick step out of his stance.
Lady Andrea: Holliday is EN FUEGO
Texas Gal: Yes
Texas Gal: Yes he is
Texas Gal: And he’s hitting well, too
Lady Andrea: “My Mother the Car” *shakes head*
TheStarterWife: MY MOTHER THE CAR
TheStarterWife: IS BERMAN MY DAD
Texas Gal: For your sake, I hope to god not
Lady Andrea: does your dad like Gene Krupa?
Gordon Shumway: Dear Lord, please let Chris Berman be eaten by a scorpion, from front to back-back-back-back.
Texas Gal: Those kids in the OF look worse than the Reds.
Texas Gal: That giant coke bottle offends me. It’s monstrous and distracting.
Lady Andrea: at least it’s Coke and not Pepsi

ESPN really loves Texas Gal, and shows him again- this time for much longer, as he lounges in a recliner. On the field. Yeah, we don’t get it, either.

Texas Gal: BACON
Texas Gal: BACON
Metschick: wowie zowie
Texas Gal: BACON
Texas Gal: BACON
Texas Gal: BACON
Texas Gal: BACON
Texas Gal: BACON
Texas Gal: sorry
Texas Gal: I get carried away
Metschick: when I see that I remember Monica’s “7, 7, 7, 7!” speech
Lady Andrea: me too, METS!
Texas Gal: HAH, Metsy
Texas Gal: And very close to the truth
Lady Andrea: 1, a-1-2
Lady Andrea: a-1-2-3
Lady Andrea: a-4
Lady Andrea: (i’ll stop)
Lady Andrea: Texy, am I totally sick for thinking the pic of Bacon from the All Stars post is hot?
Texas Gal: NO
Lady Andrea: b/c the black eye? really does it for me
Texas Gal: It’s because he’s a frickin’ grinder and cares not about what he looks like, only about the game
Texas Gal: which is HOT
Lady Andrea: it IS hot

Vlad Guerrero

Next up in the second round, Alex Rios and then Vlad Guerrero.

Metschick: I like that the song that they’re playing for Rios translates to “give her balls”
Lady Andrea: Rios is doing well, too
Lady Andrea: Rios takes the lead!
Metschick: RIOS
Metschick: WOO!!
Texas Gal: Put those tight pants away, Vlad
Texas Gal: For serious
Lady Andrea: “the joint was jumpin'”
Lady Andrea: Berman needs to lay off the “Swing Kids” viewings
Texas Gal: he needs to lay off, period
TheStarterWife: THAT WAS A HOMER
Texas Gal: The cameraman is drunk
Texas Gal: Me, too, cameraman
TheStarterWife: me for real
Lady Andrea: Albert’s gonna have to bring it
Lady Andrea: and I’m drunk too
Lady Andrea: oh my god, he got [the HR]!
Gordon Shumway: Those kayakers are having fun fighting for a baseball…which makes it the first time “kayak” and “fun” were ever used in the same sentence.
Lady Andrea: lots of money for charity tonight, too!
TheStarterWife: IN THE GLOVE
Texas Gal: DAMN
Lady Andrea: wow, Holliday is out
Texas Gal: Bye, bye pretty Holliday
Lady Andrea: Vlad was on fire!
Lady Andrea: this is crazy
Lady Andrea: Vlad had 5 outs when he started hitting HRs
TheStarterWife: GO NATURAL BATS BLESSED BY BIG PAPI
Texas Gal: Dusty totally has hooch in that “coffee cup”
Lady Andrea: you would too, sitting next to Berman all night
Holly: Can they HURRY THIS UP. I need to leave in 20 minutes!
Texas Gal: This thing takes longer than the Oscars

We rejoin Kenny Mayne, again – this time in the stands inside the park.

Lady Andrea: Kenny’s now in the bleachers
Texas Gal: He’s still wearing the lifejacket
Lady Andrea: he’s Marty McFly
Lady Andrea: wearing his life preserver
Holly: I’m just taking that as an invitation to try and drown him.
TheStarterWife: poor, poor Kenny
Texas Gal: Think McFly, Think
Lady Andrea: lol
Lady Andrea: “What’d’ya do, jump ship?”
GordonShumway: Did Berman just call him “Winnie the Pujols”? That sounds like a movie I saw on Cinemax once.
Texas Gal: STOP WITH THE WINNIE THE POOHOLES JOKE, BERMAN
Texas Gal: it was never funny
Texas Gal: it’s not funny after you say it 8 times
Holly: Berman + Hunny EVA
Texas Gal: Difference is- people actually want to rub Pooh’s tummy.
Holly: EWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWWEW
Texas Gal: Wait- didn’t at least one Lady… say she’d sleep with Berman?
Texas Gal: That’s a lot more than tummy rubbing
Lady Andrea: ewww, not me
Holly: ……I remember who.
TheStarterWife: Please
TheStarterWife: IF YOUR BACK WAS AGAINST THE WALL AND WE COULD FOR THE SITE WE WOULD
Lady Andrea: haha
TheStarterWife: I would
Holly: shit, she’s getting out the map again.
Holly: (this is my new thing now. Do not attempt to deter me.)
Texas Gal: If she does, Vlad will Impale-her
Texas Gal: (that’s my Winnie the Pooh joke)
Holly: Yeah, sorry about that.
Texas Gal: No, I like your map thing. It’s my Impale-her joke that’s tired.
TheStarterWife: THINK OF THE CHILDREN
Holly: I WOULD IF I KNEW WHAT THAT MEANT
TheStarterWife: they were talking about the kids in the outfield not being big enough

Final guy to bat in the second round is Albert Pujols.

Lady Andrea: crushes it!
Texas Gal: Aww! The fist bump from his progeny
Lady Andrea: I love Albert’s smile!
Lady Andrea: eeeeee
Texas Gal: You’re having a Bacon moment
Lady Andrea: yes
Lady Andrea: I am
Texas Gal: Aren’t they lovely? I have way more Bacon moments than are decent for a girl to have.
Lady Andrea: is he going to do it?????
Lady Andrea: on the tension!
Lady Andrea: rats
Texas Gal: Alby, you fought the good fight
Lady Andrea: alright, I gotta hit the hay ladies
Lady Andrea: go Alex Rios!

Alex Rios and Vlad Guerrero advance to the third and final (thank god) round.

Texas Gal: PLACE YOUR BETS
Texas Gal: Vlad?
Texas Gal: Rios?
Texas Gal: TSW?
Texas Gal: Metsy?
Holly: McCloud?
Texas Gal: Difficult choice
Texas Gal: It’s just you and me in here, Holly… we HAVE THE RUN OF THE PLACE
TheStarterWife: I’m here
Texas Gal: I was going to ask what hijinks we could get up to
Texas Gal: Unless you want to join in
Holly: TICKLE FIGHT!
TheStarterWife: I am all about the hijinks
Texas Gal: DROPKICK MURPHYS
Texas Gal: WHEEEEEEEEEEE
Texas Gal: SHIPPING UP TO BOSTON
Texas Gal: THAT’S PAPYBOO’S SONG
Texas Gal: ahem.

Alex Rios bats first in the finals.

Texas Gal: Much like the Home Run Derby itself, we are losing steam
Holly: END END END END END
Texas Gal: It would help if they’d show more Bacon Pants
Texas Gal: Well, it would help me
TheStarterWife: it would help
TheStarterWife: if there were not 50 ad buys
Texas Gal: I’m glad we get those “the Bronx is Burning” ads – because if there’s one thing I wish there was more of, it’s more of the Yankees on ESPN
TheStarterWife: I AM DYING HERE
Texas Gal: Harold Reynolds would be a welcome relief
Texas Gal: Too bad he enjoys the occasional Boston Market outing
TheStarterWife: too salty that Boston Market
Holly: *jauntily whistles, stabs self repeatedly with headphone jack*

Vlad Guerrero closes out the finals.

TheStarterWife: C’MON VLAD
Texas Gal: oh now you like him
Texas Gal: LOS ANGELES ANGELS OF ANAHEIM
TheStarterWife: Its weird for me to sense “winning” and “baseball” together
Holly: lol.
Texas Gal: only one more HR to go
Texas Gal: then our pain is over
TheStarterWife: lets finish this
TheStarterWife: I’m dying here
Holly: This is our Alamo.
Texas Gal: Berman is Santa Anna
Holly: I DEMAND TO BE DAVY CROCKETT.

Mr. Impaler is victorious, and wins the HR Derby.

Texas Gal: AND OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER
Texas Gal: we have a winner
TheStarterWife: Thank god
Holly: And yet, we all lose.
Texas Gal: Every single one of us.
TheStarterWife: wooooooooooooooo
Texas Gal: Yeah, I know, I know – he’s your BOY y’all are TIGHT you LOVE him
Texas Gal: And his tight pants
Texas Gal: And his Impaler

Texas Gal: So what have we learned tonight?
Texas Gal: The HR Derby is always way too long.
TheStarterWife: even people at ESPN drink on the job
Texas Gal: Kenny Mayne can’t paddle
Texas Gal: ARod can’t dress
Texas Gal: Berman can’t shut up
TheStarterWife: and Bonds can explain away anything
Texas Gal: Keep these lessons in your hearts, children- and never forget them.
TheStarterWife: Affirmed