It’s time to crown his ass.
The time to reveal the best butt in all of baseball has arrived.
I’ve got the top 5 asses in baseball for you after the jump (and a rundown of the other 20 we’ve already honored) — just be sure to wear your shades… the reflection of their awesomeness is blinding.
25. Grady Sizemore– Cleveland Indians, CF
24. Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Atlanta Braves, C
23. Barry Zito – San Francisco Giants, P
22. Ryan Theriot – Chicago Cubs, 2B/SS
21. Brad Ausmus – Houston Astros, C
20. Alex Gordon – Kansas City Royals, 3B
19. B.J. Upton – Tampa Bay Devil Rays, 3B
18. Chase Utley – Philadelphia Phillies, 2B
17. Jeff Francoeur – Atlanta Braves, RF
16. Carlos Beltran – New York Mets, CF
15. Xavier Nady – Pittsburgh Pirates, RF
14. Jimmy Rollins – Philadelphia Phillies, SS
13. Paul Konerko – Chicago White Sox, 1B
12. David Wright – New York Mets, 3B
11. Albert Pujols – St. Louis Cardinals, 1B
10. Eric Chavez – Oakland Athletics, 3B
9. Michael Barrett –
Chicago Cubs San Diego Padres, C
8. Conor Jackson – Arizona Diamondbacks, 1B
7. Javy Lopez – Colorado Rockies, C
6. Aaron Rowand – Philadelphia Phillies, CF
And on with the countdown…
#5: Mark Grudzielanek
Kansas City Royals, 2B
The guy with the funniest name this side of Jarrod Saltalamacchia also has the hottest ass of any second baseman in the league. Frankly, I was shocked to find that not one, but TWO Royals made the list. Goes to show that in baseball you never know where the hottest assets can be found, so a trip to the ballpark will always be worth it.
#4: Joe Mauer
Minnesota Twins, C
If the Oakland A’s are the hottest roster in baseball, the catcher’s position is the Oakland A’s on the sweet asses scale of the baseball diamond. The position is LOADED with outstanding assets, and the competition for #1 is fierce. But Chairman Mauer takes it in a walk. He just keeps getting taller (6’5″ and pushing 6’6″), which does beautiful things for the view from behind. They grow ’em beautiful up in the Twin Cities.
#3: Scott Podsednik
Chicago White Sox, LF
When it comes to Scotty PoPo, I am often rendered speechless. Dude is so indescribably hot, I…. I…. see what I mean? Words fail me. His ass is a work of art, y’all. I mean- WHOA. Just… WHOA. Thank you to the great state of Texas, for putting out talent like this into the world, to the Chicago White Sox, for fielding talent like this in LF, and Scotty, for sharing talent like this with us. Now if only he’d quit overworking his groin muscles, we’d get more shots of him like the above.
#2: Huston Street
Oakland Athletics, P
Speaking of Texas… hello, Huston. More specifically, hello Huston’s gorgeously perfect ass. It’s like two puppy dogs tumbling around under a blanket, two perfect orbs sculpted out of the finest marble, a gift from the heavens sent down for womankind. When a man’s butt drives me to writing this kind of sappy drivel, it’s gotta be something special. That’s an ass MADE to be showcased on a baseball diamond. It’s just a shame we don’t get 9 full innings of its glory every day.
* * * * *
And the hottest ass of all, the cream of the crop, the standard by which all other butts in baseball pants are judged- and the proud owner of the first ever Mickey Mantle Award goes to…
#1: Pat Burrell
Philadelphia Phillies, LF
It had to be Pat. There was no other choice. Pat hones his ass to perfection like other major leaguers work on things like “hitting” and “fielding”. His ass is the sun around which everything else in his life revolves, and to which women are drawn like a moth to the flame. Songs have been written in its honor.
Congratulations, Pat’s ass- you are the champion.
Honorable Mentions: David Dellucci, Ryan Langerhans, Jose Reyes, Scott Rolen, Andruw Jones, Justin Morneau, Cole Hamels, Alex Rodriguez, Carlos Delgado, Jermaine Dye, Chris Capuano, Nick Markakis, Brad Lidge, Jonathan Papelbon, Dan Uggla, Ryan Howard, Scott Proctor, Bobby Crosby, Carlos Quentin, Mark Mulder, Ryan Sweeney.