Mickey Mantle Award: Baseball’s Best Asse(t)s, pt. the final

It’s time to crown his ass.
The time to reveal the best butt in all of baseball has arrived.

I’ve got the top 5 asses in baseball for you after the jump (and a rundown of the other 20 we’ve already honored) — just be sure to wear your shades… the reflection of their awesomeness is blinding.

Part One
25. Grady Sizemore– Cleveland Indians, CF
24. Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Atlanta Braves, C
23. Barry Zito – San Francisco Giants, P
22. Ryan Theriot – Chicago Cubs, 2B/SS
21. Brad Ausmus – Houston Astros, C
Part Two
20. Alex Gordon – Kansas City Royals, 3B
19. B.J. Upton – Tampa Bay Devil Rays, 3B
18. Chase Utley – Philadelphia Phillies, 2B
17. Jeff Francoeur – Atlanta Braves, RF
16. Carlos Beltran – New York Mets, CF
Part Three
15. Xavier Nady – Pittsburgh Pirates, RF
14. Jimmy Rollins – Philadelphia Phillies, SS
13. Paul Konerko – Chicago White Sox, 1B
12. David Wright – New York Mets, 3B
11. Albert Pujols – St. Louis Cardinals, 1B
Part Four
10. Eric Chavez – Oakland Athletics, 3B
9. Michael BarrettChicago Cubs San Diego Padres, C
8. Conor Jackson – Arizona Diamondbacks, 1B
7. Javy Lopez – Colorado Rockies, C
6. Aaron Rowand – Philadelphia Phillies, CF

And on with the countdown…

#5: Mark Grudzielanek
Kansas City Royals, 2B

The guy with the funniest name this side of Jarrod Saltalamacchia also has the hottest ass of any second baseman in the league. Frankly, I was shocked to find that not one, but TWO Royals made the list. Goes to show that in baseball you never know where the hottest assets can be found, so a trip to the ballpark will always be worth it.

#4: Joe Mauer
Minnesota Twins, C

If the Oakland A’s are the hottest roster in baseball, the catcher’s position is the Oakland A’s on the sweet asses scale of the baseball diamond. The position is LOADED with outstanding assets, and the competition for #1 is fierce. But Chairman Mauer takes it in a walk. He just keeps getting taller (6’5″ and pushing 6’6″), which does beautiful things for the view from behind. They grow ’em beautiful up in the Twin Cities.

#3: Scott Podsednik
Chicago White Sox, LF

When it comes to Scotty PoPo, I am often rendered speechless. Dude is so indescribably hot, I…. I…. see what I mean? Words fail me. His ass is a work of art, y’all. I mean- WHOA. Just… WHOA. Thank you to the great state of Texas, for putting out talent like this into the world, to the Chicago White Sox, for fielding talent like this in LF, and Scotty, for sharing talent like this with us. Now if only he’d quit overworking his groin muscles, we’d get more shots of him like the above.

#2: Huston Street
Oakland Athletics, P

Speaking of Texas… hello, Huston. More specifically, hello Huston’s gorgeously perfect ass. It’s like two puppy dogs tumbling around under a blanket, two perfect orbs sculpted out of the finest marble, a gift from the heavens sent down for womankind. When a man’s butt drives me to writing this kind of sappy drivel, it’s gotta be something special. That’s an ass MADE to be showcased on a baseball diamond. It’s just a shame we don’t get 9 full innings of its glory every day.

* * * * *

And the hottest ass of all, the cream of the crop, the standard by which all other butts in baseball pants are judged- and the proud owner of the first ever Mickey Mantle Award goes to…

#1: Pat Burrell
Philadelphia Phillies, LF

It had to be Pat. There was no other choice. Pat hones his ass to perfection like other major leaguers work on things like “hitting” and “fielding”. His ass is the sun around which everything else in his life revolves, and to which women are drawn like a moth to the flame. Songs have been written in its honor.

Congratulations, Pat’s ass- you are the champion.

Honorable Mentions: David Dellucci, Ryan Langerhans, Jose Reyes, Scott Rolen, Andruw Jones, Justin Morneau, Cole Hamels, Alex Rodriguez, Carlos Delgado, Jermaine Dye, Chris Capuano, Nick Markakis, Brad Lidge, Jonathan Papelbon, Dan Uggla, Ryan Howard, Scott Proctor, Bobby Crosby, Carlos Quentin, Mark Mulder, Ryan Sweeney.

This entry was posted in baseball ass, Mickey Mantle Award, Texas Gal by Texas Gal. Bookmark the permalink.

About Texas Gal

Pitched four years for the Philadelphia Athletics, and then played shortstop for seven years for the Montreal Expos. Taught Rickey Henderson to steal a base. Taught Nolan Ryan to throw a punch. Taught Mickey Mantle to drink a beer. Threw one seven-hitter and seven no-hitters. Wonderboy was my creation, and first Jobu shrine was in my locker. Often called "the next Dustin Pedroia". Always wear high socks and eyeblack. Prefer to slide headfirst.

36 thoughts on “Mickey Mantle Award: Baseball’s Best Asse(t)s, pt. the final

  1. I went to a Dodgers-Giants game in L.A. around 2002, when Mark Grudzielanek was playing for the Dodgers. After the game, me and couple of buddies were at a bar and Grudzielanek and Tom Goodwin walk into the place, each with a blonde California type girl on their arm. The four of them get drinks and start playing shuffleboard, Grudzielanek and his girl against Goodwin and his girl. I’m watching the whole thing and Grudzielanek is a total dork, being loud and drawing attention to himself. Anyway, they hang out for about an hour and as they are leaving Grudzielanek and Goodwin switch girls, and leave the bar with a different girl than the one they came in with.

    The joys of being a major league players I guess.

  2. Another Phillie?! WOOT WOOT!!! The Phillies are, by far, the hottest team in baseball. A whole feature needs to be done on them.

    Look at it: 1B: Ryan Howard, 2B: Chase Utley, SS: Jimmy Rollins, 3B: Greg Dobbs, LF: Pat Burrell, CF: Aaron Rowand, RF: Shane Victorino, C: Rod Barajas, P: Cole Hamels

    God, I love this town!!!

  3. Clare- I’m just trying to assist the ladies out there. It’s a handy print and save guide.

    Lauren- and don’t forget Ryan Madson and Brian Sanches – both are SMOKING hot.

  4. I’m so pleased with this wonderful information, to think I have been limited to just the Yankees. Thank you for bringing this awareness in to my life. And thanks for the honorable to A-rod, but Jeeter needs some time up there too.

  5. Jaime Moyer also looks pretty good when he’s taking a no-hitter into the 6th. Kendrick’s no slouch either. But any Phillies list should be free of the bullpen in general as punishment for how many hopes and dreams they have crushed.

  6. Cowgal- You don’t know how hard it was for me to even include A-Rod as an honorable mention. Had to fight against the Yankee hate. For an Award named after a Yankee, I should have disclosed my bias.

    Steagles- I totally agree! I think he’s a good looking dude. But I must disagree on the bullpen, for the simple fact that whenever the Phils are in town, Sanches goes running through my neighborhood before the games. Shirtless. And sweaty.

  7. Hello Ryan Madson…Thanks TG, always keeping me informed of additional hot ball players of whom I’ve never heard.

    I’m well versed in the NHL, but I have a lot to learn (err…see) in baseball!

  8. Listen, if we’re going to talk old hot guys, can I at least get a picture of Nolan Ryan?

    Did anyone else have that Nike Ad on their dorm room wall? The one with his arm and all of his stats on the side? Just me?

  9. Podsednik in the high socks! I feel they only accentuate his ass, which is indeed magnificent.

    I enjoy how florid this got. Great baseball asses surely deserve our most romance-novelly prose.

    I feel like Pat’s ass must have its own charisma; it seems like there are quite a few good pictures of it out there that have nothing to do with getting a lucky shot while he was playing. The camera loves his ass!

    Thanks for all of this!

  10. I got to see Nolan pitch back in ’91 or ’92. Unfortunately I was probably a 3rd grader and don’t remember much about it except we had good seats and he looked intimidating as hell because we were so close. Him beating the shit out of Robin Ventura is still one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

  11. Texas Gal- At least we can all get along about the forarms and the eye black right, no matter the team??? We have been blessed in this great nation with hotties all over the MLB.

  12. Texy, this post is so beautiful I’m about to cry.

    And I never knew Nolan Ryan was a hottie back in the day.

    The kids are still saying that right, back in the day?

  13. I love this post so much…but (Ironicly enough it has to do with that) as a southsider where is Joe Crede on the list. Even though he is injured he should have made the list!

  14. He’s got a cute butt, sure enough – just didn’t make it into the top echelon. Now, if he steps up his game (high-cuffed pants always help), he could make the cut next year…

  15. I had no idea of Scotty Po’s assets… I saw the hump day hottie thing, but it’s the picture above that does it. Wow.

    For the record, the Cubs’ Felix Pie has quite the glutes.

  16. Thank you thank you thank you for putting Joe Mauer in the top 5 (and Justin Morneau as an honorable mention). But was Johan Santana even in the mix somewhere??

  17. I have Phillies season tickets in the first row in left field – Pat Burrell’s ass has single-handedly gotten me through some rough games. Great choice!

  18. Pingback: it’s a celebration bitches « the sexy crimes: an unofficial pat burrell fan page

  19. i came across your blog on day and i fell in love with it! i love baseball and i love reading about the players. i am a huge phillies fan and i have season tickets in left field and i think its soo funny that pat burrell got the award for best ass!

  20. Pingback: The All-Hot Team | umpbump.com

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